is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long?

[Depression = 72% of members]

in the state shes in right now, ANYTHING i would say... .anything at all would make her angrier. it was a lose lose situation. ive talked to her nicley when she was like that before and all she did was throw it back in my face cusring me off and sayin the meanest things you can think of. at least if i dont answer when she talks to me that way she has nothing to use against me cus i just saved myself a giant argument.

[unknown]

in the state shes in right now, ANYTHING i would say... .anything at all would make her angrier. it was a lose lose situation. ive talked to her nicley when she was like that before and all she did was throw it back in my face cusring me off and sayin the meanest things you can think of. at least if i dont answer when she talks to me that way she has nothing to use against me cus i just saved myself a giant argument.

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[unknown]

A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check."

how long does it usually stay like that for? im really hoping she'll snap out of it one day and realize how messed up shes treating me and apologize and i can at least have a normal conversation with her again.

[Hop Head]

A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check."

how long does it usually stay like that for? im really hoping she'll snap out of it one day and realize how messed up shes treating me and apologize and i can at least have a normal conversation with her again.

Every person is different, I couldn't say. I will say that she may very well know sometimes how bad she treats you. Borderlines can sometimes be aware of their behaviors after the fact and that's when they get very guilty and feel really bad about themselves for treating loved ones like that; that doesn't mean they come running back to you to apologize... .they're sick remember.

My girl started showing symptoms just about the time I witnessed her and her sister have a very emotional argument, so I guess that was the traumatic event in my situation. It was about 3 or 4 weeks into the relationship. My girl was balling; the sister is a complete lunatic that was just breaking her down to shreds because, well, she's a heartless lunatic. The fact she did it in front of me the first time me and her had ever met just shows you how screwed up her sister is.

My girl never went full on painting me black until last month. Up until then it was just little things, distancing then clingy and back and forth... .and they tended to last only a few days. This recent splitting to black has lasted a month now with no signs of improvement. The only thing I have going for me is the fact she's going to therapy.

[unknown]

she usualyl would call me crying llike 3 days later if she said something horrible to me. this is lasting weeks and shes acting more disrespectful then ever. she never even gave a reasonable explination on why shes so angry at me.  a week after her family relative died, she sent me a text saying look i want to explain things. my relative died and im very unstable at the moment and im sorry im taking it out on you.  and then i said ok.  and she was like  "thats all you have to say?"  and from then on shes been cursing at me like crazy and treating me like sht. i think the only time she will ever tlak to me nice again is if this new guy shes with dumps her which will probally happen not too long from now if i continue to show no jealosy whatsoever that shes with him.

[Hop Head]

a week after her family relative died, she sent me a text saying look i want to explain things. my relative died and im very unstable at the moment and im sorry im taking it out on you.  and then i said ok.  and she was like  "thats all you have to say?"  and from then on shes been cursing at me like crazy and treating me like sht.

If all you said was "ok" then I can see how that might have triggered abandonment issues with her. She was probably coming to you for support, and just saying "ok" isn't really support but just acknowledgment. Maybe ask her if she wants to talk about the death of her relative, explain it's always good to vent frustration and grief. Basically be there for her and talk with her about it.

I could be completely wrong though, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

[Hope in Bondi Beach]

Oh this is hard,  ;p

[Hope in Bondi Beach]

she usualyl would call me crying llike 3 days later if she said something horrible to me. this is lasting weeks and shes acting more disrespectful then ever. she never even gave a reasonable explination on why shes so angry at me.  a week after her family relative died, she sent me a text saying look i want to explain things. my relative died and im very unstable at the moment and im sorry im taking it out on you.  and then i said ok.  and she was like  "thats all you have to say?"  and from then on shes been cursing at me like crazy and treating me like sht. i think the only time she will ever tlak to me nice again is if this new guy shes with dumps her which will probally happen not too long from now if i continue to show no jealosy whatsoever that shes with him.

So she's calling and talking to you even though she's with someone else?

Jesus brother that must be tough

[unknown]

i know right? its so weird. that new kid is getting used so bad i dont even understand how he dosent see it. if i had a girlfriend who was angry at her ex for not adding her on myspace or facebook and she kept calling him i would be pretty pissed off.  and theres no use at all in trying to talk to her to calm her down. ive done all i could i talked to her in the nicest way possible and even though she said the most horrible things to me i kept a calm attitude the whole time and just sent texts saying i know your angry and going through a rough time but i still love you and if you ever need to talk im here for you.  and shed say something along the lines of, NO! BULLSH*T!  SHUT THE FU*K UP.   ugh

[snakey]

Well if she's with someone else then just back away and let them get on with it

Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault.

That said, my exdBPDgf tracked me down again after 13yrs so you never know anyway.

Word of advice though, live a good life cos I've been crucified for anything from the past that she considered foolish (there was a lot I admit but over a decade ago for chrissakes) and nobody knows how to use ammunition like a bp.

I don't know, it's real painful seeing her with this other guy I know but if you want more than friendship with her try pulling the plug for a while.

Good luck geez

Know that there are a lot of people on here in the same situation as you. Take care  x

(I tried to do write this 8hrs ago but my internet went down)

[Hope in Bondi Beach]

Good talking on the phone today snakey, we  all got to hang in there, things will get better.

get to that meeting i was talking about, tell me how it goes, then you get to send that text.

how good would she feel, and maybe feel safe too, bps need to feel safe big time.

Do it geezer! whats on offer is a life beyond your wildest dreams

[an0ught]

Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault.

Not sure it is control that they are after - it is more that they are doing anything to keep their fear in check - it looks like an elaborate strategy but only when we ignorantly play along with it. Their thinking and planning capability shrinks a lot when they experience strong emotions like fear. Control is a primitive knee jerk reaction, their coping behavior not a strategy.

[Hop Head]

Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault.

Not sure it is control that they are after - it is more that they are doing anything to keep their fear in check - it looks like an elaborate strategy but only when we ignorantly play along with it. Their thinking and planning capability shrinks a lot when they experience strong emotions like fear. Control is a primitive knee jerk reaction, their coping behavior not a strategy.

I absolutely agree with this.

In my experience and research, what we see as conscious manipulation is simply them trying to find comfort/happiness/tranquility. Don't personalize the disorder and its symptoms by assuming they are consciously trying to control you; they're just trying to control their bad feelings. How that manifests is purely incidental.

[snakey]

Control is a massive thing in bp's, I'm sure they like to think that they can make you sit in a box whilst they do whatever they feel like before allowing you to return. ALLOWING. Because everything is and will always be your fault.

Not sure it is control that they are after - it is more that they are doing anything to keep their fear in check - it looks like an elaborate strategy but only when we ignorantly play along with it. Their thinking and planning capability shrinks a lot when they experience strong emotions like fear. Control is a primitive knee jerk reaction, their coping behavior not a strategy.

I absolutely agree with this.

In my experience and research, what we see as conscious manipulation is simply them trying to find comfort/happiness/tranquility. Don't personalize the disorder and its symptoms by assuming they are consciously trying to control you; they're just trying to control their bad feelings. How that manifests is purely incidental.

Ok, I get what you're saying. It does feel like a massive exercise in control most of the time, being kicked out the house at 2am with nowhere to go, being made to feel guilty about non-existent stuff that hasn't happened and finally being informed that if I stay in the same city then she will be forced to move out of it and lose all her friends.

Now you're telling me that isn't control (among many other things) OR you're telling me that I should understand that this is a defence mechanism and what? How do you deal with it when the proverbial is hitting the fan and it's 2 in the morning? Not my city, no emergency support closer than 200 miles and no vehicle.

I guess I really have been going about this the wrong way!

Please don't get me wrong, I do take on everything you have said and they're very valid and useful points and mostly at the moment I'm furious with myself for not being able to think in those terms before.

Thanks.

[2fastforU]

they do come back: they are EASY TO GET BACK! they are easily convinced! jusssssst wait.  there relationships dont last because they are asss, think of why it didnt last with you. they dont even admit they have issues. after 9 months I GOT HER BACK-then i was like what the heck, now i remember why i broke up with her. Your mind is playing tricks on you because 1. you probably don't have many other options, or she is your best choice as of now. orrrr 2. THEY ARE ABUSIVE. NPD BPD-they shout insults, yell at you storm away in anger. The shouting can be misunderstood to a person as conviction, since most normal people dont yell unless its important. They  Dont have any remorse- The more research I do on this the more I think I have some kinda issue for putting up with it and wanting her back. It hurts but let the next guy have her-he will find out, there not any different with the next guy

3. my mind is painting her as a supermodel saint- idk why, i think its mostly her looks- somehow the brain will let them get away with bloody murder if shes pretty-usually they are. BUT if you have no other options the brain is in a panic at being alone. be careful- this is where it plays tricks on you-

Im not being a dick- im in the same boat. I want my x back so bad-shes hot, fun to be around... .but a train wreck. I ended up in therapy and on these forums. It took a therapist to tell me it wasnt me and took out the old psychology book, ahh there it is HISTRIONIC, NPD she says... .

dude Run!

or wait 6 months then dangle a string in front of them and watch how fast they come back. Dont do it right away- I sent her a card and had lunch, a month later she said lets date! they have some Disney land fantasy about love-the honeymoon phase is congruent with this and will most likely lock you out for a bit, but it will fall apart.  recognize what type of person they are and how to deal with them. Theres lots of ebooks and posts on how to deal with these people-if you let them they will crush you.

if your game is solid you could pull it off- but with these people your game has to be bulletproof. Lets face it if they are wolves then they chewed us up and spit us out. But I research learned and adapted and now im stronger smarter and more well prepared. If other hot women with hi drama hpd NPD come near me, im well prepared from this experience.

Adaptation is the name of the game.

[34broken]

I love this line : "they have some Disney land fantasy about love"   Boy, do they ever.