4.10 | Positive Entitlement - Taking The Initiative To Share In Life's Riches

[Intent_to_learn]

I am entitled to owning my own feelings.

I am entitled to the pursuit of happiness and all it entails.

I am entitled to live in my own space.

I am entitled to pursue my own goals in life.

I am entitled to freedom of speech.

I am entitled to my own beliefs.

I am entitled to seek knowledge.

As I live and breathe, I am entitled to life.

[ShieldsUp12]

What's your definition of "positive entitlement"? How might "positive entitlement" relate to your life?

For me, positive entitlement is the right to live as peacefully as possible, without being bullied by others, without being manipulated by others.

I have the right to control my own life. I have the right to stand up for myself. I have the right to try and make a better life for myself rather than get pulled into "the pit".

I think for me it also means that it is perfectly reasonable to do things that other people do on a regular basis without being made to feel guilty about it or withstanding a "blackening" for it: take a vacation, take a break, spend time with others, pursue my own life goals, make important purchases, NOT involve her in every single aspect of my life, have confidence in my own abilities, etc., etc. It's only recently that I've realized how much other people have put up with from me because I've been putting uBPDm's needs above everyone elses. Sometimes you have to give your time to other people, too, right? I've celebrated a lot of ":)ecember Thanksgivings" and "January Christmases" with other people in the family because heaven knows you ALWAYS have to spend major holidays with her and nobody else.   I shudder to think if I had let her completely have her way when my father got sick. It sickens me to think I didn't break free from her a little sooner so I could've spent more time with him in his last days. She once told me "If you go and take care of him it'll be over my dead body". I was a grown woman. What was wrong with me?

I've been so programmed to consider them first, that I have felt guilty about doing almost anything for myself before doing it for them; i.e. hand over large sums of money so they can afford to live a lifestyle beyond their means while I live with a lot less than they do even though I work hard and have earned the money to spend on myself.  I've gotten a lot of mixed messages on this one in particular - I will be encouraged to spend on myself, or do something for myself, but then something always happens and the fact I did it will get thrown back at me. But also if I gave to them rather than to myself, it was never enough. That sort of thing. A no-win.

So "positive entitlement" means taking care of my life first, in a way that I see fit. Sometimes that means I come first, sometimes it means I put someone else's needs ahead of my own, but either way, it's my choice.

[oceanblue]

  Somewhere along the line I learned that being stoic was more important than being happy. 

This is such a great thread - I see so much of myself in these posts.  My wardrobe is still outdated.  I work far too much at the sacrifice of leisure time and hobbies and friendships.  My bedroom furniture is a mish/mosh of stuff accumulated over 15 years - not a room I am proud of.  My D15 told me about six months ago I deserved my own mom cave and she would help me make it.  At the time I sort of blew it off thinking it was worthless indulgence but now I am starting to think it is a good idea.  I am slowly starting to change my view of life - actually mostly after coming across this board. Last week, I allowed myself half an hour of clothes shopping without a goal or purpose and found a nice shirt that fit me well.  I realized that I don't treat myself well.

My exBPDbf felt entitled to everything - free room and board, spending money handed to him, at one point in a rage he demanded I buy him a car.  His sense of entitlement always blew me away - yet he did nothing to earn those things.  I worked my a$$ off to support him and my family and expected nothing - not even leisure time or kind words or gratitude from people I supported.  In fact, he abused me at times and broke my things.  I never arranged my life to be nice to myself - I arranged my life to make everyone else's life nice.  Thanks to everyone for helping me see this.

[blackandwhite]

oceanblue,

I'm glad you discovered this thread and what a wonderful experience you and your D15 could have together. It's good role modeling for her, too. You matter, she matters, putting care and love into the place you spend your time is a reflection of self-worth.

I hope you'll keep us posted. 

B&W

[oceanheart]

It's funny, but turing 40 as a woman has somehow given me permission to feel positive entitlement about being an ok person... .

Now, don't get me wrong, I freaked out when I actually TURNED 40, in May: I had no bf, no close friends, no great job and so I drank too much at a party and hooked up with a way-younger man who had treated me badly in the past 

But once I got the self-pity out of my system, I find I use "40" a lot now. Meaning someone will say something negative about me and I'll just think, "so what? I'm 40, what do I care what you think about me?" 

Even more important than caring what negative people say, I'm so much better now at saying that to the bully in my head! I give myself time and space and compassion to do things not-perfectly! I tell myself, "dang, I'm 40! I survived, and I'm thriving, and I'm doing good! Screw you, negative self-esteem!" As long as I'm continuing to work on growing as a person and achieving health and treating the people around me with love and compassion, then I figure I'm on a good path. I can't wait until 50!

[tcevans78]

What's your definition of "positive entitlement"? How might "positive entitlement" relate to your life?

I am entitled to happiness, in my own right, as I define it for myself.  I am entitled to spend my time and resources in ways that benefit me, and only me.  I am entitled to give to myself as much as, or more than I give to others.  I have the right to control my actions and not have my actions guided by another.  I have the right to purse my dreams and do things I find personally fulfilling. 

I have spent many years seeking the guidance of others, and at age 34 I am, for the first time learning what it means to give myself the gift of positive entitlement.  I am pursuing things that are of interest and importance to me, without the permission of anyone.  I am responsible for my own actions and the consequences.  I am making my own bed - a very comfortable one - so that for the first time I can enjoy lying in it.  It's so gradual but every day feel more like a blessing that a curse.

Thank you bpdfamily.