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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Found out ex has a boyfriend  (Read 5756 times)
Fruit Loop
formerly sdt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 185


« Reply #30 on: February 27, 2010, 09:38:20 PM »

Just found out the BPDex's new boyfriend is a lineman.  They were installing new power lines on the road in front of where we lived over the summer.  She told me she asked one of the guys for some of the old poles.  I wondered why some many were delivered.  Probably going on for a while.
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kly
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced. Briefly dated a pwBPD who turned into a stalker.
Posts: 1061


« Reply #31 on: February 28, 2010, 11:37:28 AM »

Sorry sdt.  That sucks.
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Fruit Loop
formerly sdt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 185


« Reply #32 on: February 28, 2010, 02:02:02 PM »

I'm at a new low today.  I knew my BPDexgf had a new boyfriend, but I thought it was one of the doctors she hung out with.  Where the hell did this guy come from?  My mind is racing.  She had this one hidden well.  I wonder how old is he?  How long ago did they meet?  I really want to send her an email or text.  I probably won't like what I hear.
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kly
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced. Briefly dated a pwBPD who turned into a stalker.
Posts: 1061


« Reply #33 on: February 28, 2010, 03:22:46 PM »

 xsdt x

For your sake you need to let go.  It's so hard, I know!  It's hard to let go of what you thought you had.  For a while you were treated like you were the most amazing guy in the world.  And for that while, she may have really believed it.

The thing about BPD is that the person who has it is NEEDS you, that's different than real love.  It's about you filling a gap in her heart and giving her the validation and sense of worth that she does not have for herself.  You have to give and give and give--it's endless.  There is not enough money in the world or hours in the day to fill that gaping need, you're pouring everything you have into a leaking vessel.

Until she has put in the effort and time to healing and becoming whole--a person with integrity in every sense--she will always burn out her saviors and move onto another. 

You may genuinely love her.  But, if you squeezed very hard, she'd crumple.  She told you as much herself.  This fragile shell of a person has nothing to give but promises. 

I'm so, so sorry.  Everyone here has been through heartbreak.  I've slept curled up in the fetal position crying into a pillow   -- but, it does get better.  Go ahead and feel lousy and eat chips straight out of the bag and ice cream from the carton. 
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turtlesoup
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1045


« Reply #34 on: February 28, 2010, 04:56:12 PM »

You know when me and my exBPD ended it, even after saying how much she loved me for two years she very quickly, after I left her, was telling me how she NEEDS someone with muscles to help her. I hate to admit this and its been said before but I think they experience love as need and the new boyfriend will only be fulfilling some need. Its not even sexual or romantic needs like we have, many times its monetary needs, a need to feel normal and accepted, a need to help move heavy objects! A need to not be self reliant mostly.

Just pity it, the poor geezer is gonna get his heart broken and be used. Really these people should come with big red letters on their foreheads, its simply a case of not being a good Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  reader on our parts. They should teach us about PD at school, I really really believe this, it must have a cost to society, just on a personal level all the useful and creative hours of my life wasted on worry about this, getting ill from this, it must have an economic factor to it as well. Not even considering the BPD themselves. We should be taught what bipolar, BPD, NPD, etc looks like at school.
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Koro
Law School Student
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: L-5
Posts: 218


« Reply #35 on: February 28, 2010, 11:59:02 PM »

In the end, these relationships can never work out without recognition of a problem. Rest well in the fact that there was nothing you could do to save her, without her, in turn, wanting to save herself first. Mourn the loss more so of your wants to be everything for her. Try to understand why you feel you need to be everything to someone to feel complete. You have a new lease on your life, all be it a painful one. Pain is the first sign of a strengthening change, or it is the sign of a looming future. The good thing here is, you can make the choice of which outcome you are destined for. I know it hurts, and at times it is crippling. My heart goes out to you for that. I know, and remember quite vividly the pain you are going through. Time, knowledge, understanding, and acceptance are your friends. Embrace them.

What she is doing is not a reflection on you Sdt. She doesn't have another because she never loved you. She doesn't have another because you weren't enough, or you are not a lovable person. She has another because she believes that if she doesn't get another person to do what she needs, she will die. Think of a starving person returning to their hometown. This person is so hungry, that it is crucial to get nourishment immediately, or else they will die. This person eats at the first place that will feed them. Now think of you being that persons once favorite restaurant down the street. Can you be upset that this person didn't come to you first? Or can you understand that any food was more important than YOUR food. That is what she is dealing with here. It isn't pretty, and it's hard to wrap your mind around, but it is what it is, and it is the disorder that we know as BPD.

Wow. these post was awesome.  My problem is, precisely, that she recognize it. Sighs
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goldenblunder
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, working on the divorce
Posts: 639


« Reply #36 on: March 01, 2010, 02:18:42 PM »

I'm at a new low today.  I knew my BPDexgf had a new boyfriend, but I thought it was one of the doctors she hung out with.  Where the hell did this guy come from?  My mind is racing.  She had this one hidden well.  I wonder how old is he?  How long ago did they meet?  I really want to send her an email or text.  I probably won't like what I hear.

Do yourself a favor and don't try to find any details.  You don't want to know.
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