Public Embarresment?

[turtlesoup]

Hi All

Anyone who has read my posts will know that Im currently NC and really trying to work out how I let this go on for two years. Everyday more and more things come to light to me through surpressed memories, dreams etc and one that I've remembered today and wondered if anyone has any exp of is social situations and deliberate embarresement techniques.

I know there has been a few but right now can only recall the latest which happened at a NYE party. We were in a group of friends and I was at the bar, I came back with a drink for myself and for her and she said, loudly, that she had just held a poll with the people around the table about my worthiness and whether she should keep me or dump me. Now we were with her friends and her family and personally I found this very upsetting especially as we had had such a row that evening before coming out that I it was all I could do to actually get dressed and go she'd be so horrible, yet she begged me to come out, the whole evening she practically ignores me, berates me for "flirting with the cocktail waitress" which I didn't and then socially embarresses me infront of her friends and family (who all think she is nuts and told me very explicitly to try my best to ignore her when she acts out, so at least I did have their support).

Did you BPDers (Im pretty sure mine is also a NPD) ever act this way? And WHY?

[2010]

This is a form of splitting, known in object relations as "transformation of aggression."  Since you had a row the night before, her personal shame became so toxic that she had to cast it off or else implode. Think of it like a net that she casts off onto you of of her own shame and unworthiness. That makes her good and you bad.  You must now wear the net for the evening so she can continue to celebrate NYE.

[turtlesoup]

This is a form of splitting, known in object relations as "transformation of aggression."  Since you had a row the night before, her personal shame became so toxic that she had to cast it off or else implode. Think of it like a net that she casts off onto you of of her own shame and unworthiness. That makes her good and you bad.  You must now wear the net for the evening so she can continue to celebrate NYE.

Hmmm, but how does that work? Everyone around the table thought she was a real tool for saying that. No one actually found this charming, only inappropriate. Maybe I am missing your point?

[2010]

There is a wish to control the bad object in order to avoid persecution or to avoid fear of abandonment. You are a bad object because of the previous fight. In her mind, she knows (expects) that you may abandon her.  She needs to Control this abandonment by attacking first.  The attack can take the form of biting humor, excessive candor, public embarrassment, and rage. The compulsion is intended to facilitate the destruction of the bad object (that's YOU) to make it suffer and to control it.

Tearing you down is also a way to keep you from leaving. It is classic BPD and one of the reasons that the disorder is so heinous. They facilitate their own abandonment.  IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU DID. You are only a trigger to the disorder.

[turtlesoup]

There is a wish to control the bad object in order to avoid persecution or to avoid fear of abandonment. You are a bad object because of the previous fight. In her mind, she knows (expects) that you may abandon her.  She needs to Control this abandonment by attacking first.  The attack can take the form of biting humor, excessive candor, public embarrassment, and rage. The compulsion is intended to facilitate the destruction of the bad object (that's YOU) to make it suffer and to control it.

Tearing you down is also a way to keep you from leaving. It is classic BPD and one of the reasons that the disorder is so heinous. They facilitate their own abandonment.  IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU DID. You are only a trigger to the disorder.

Ok lastly, she was very upset that I didnt stay close to her all night. While on the bus to the event she expressly told me "please, this is a hard time for me, please stay close to me tonight". However, for the first 30 minutes I did, but she didnt even speak to me and I looked like some wally just hanging off her arm, she was laughing joking talking to everyone, throwing her coat around and posing and asking me to get her drinks, so I went to talk to other people who seemed interested in talking to me. Why ask me to stay close? Because she knew she would act so coldly that id eventually wander off and this way she has excuses for the public humiliation? Or just a control tactic... ."oh poor me, I need you there"?

Weird.

[turtlesoup]

"She needs to Control this abandonment by attacking first"


Ahhh so the begging me to stay close to her all night, she really placed an emphasis on this, was her first attempt to control the abandoment bad object, when I wandered off because I was being ignored and disobyed the original request, she took control in this new way.

That would make kinda sense... .in a BPD way.

[bkay]

Yes I experienced this.  If there was the slightest of anything going on between us that was not "intense" or if the r'ship wasn't exactly perfect and his mood was off, he would split me (I didn't know what it was then) and embarrass me by devaluing me, belittling comments, asking my sister or friends odd questions about me, accusing me of flirting with the bartender (I wasn't), or he would outright start a fight with a stranger or myself.

This happened often.  He played hot potatoe with his emotions.  If he felt bad, he was going to make sure I felt bad.  If he was afraid that I was starting to have "enough," then he would deliberately start some non-sensical issue so he was the victim.  I would then be left scratching me head and feeling crazy.  

He then would feel better for a bit since now it was me.  Or if it wasn't me it was the stranger walking by us who would get it.  

[borderdude]

My ex had a frantic effort to keep her facebook status in a relationship, when i made my status single or no info, because i wanted to escape , she did everything in her power to change my mind. IT seemed she wanted a relationship , anything will do, i was just a necsary tool for her to enable her status.