Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 26, 2020, 10:24:20 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Can my 40 yr old undiagnosed ex-wife with BPD actually be better ?  (Read 3198 times)
Colin
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 126


« on: February 21, 2010, 05:42:11 AM »

Been separated for 2 yrs and divorced for one.We have a 3 year old kid. I have learnt a lot from reading up on BPD and have worked out as LC as possible with a little boy and finally getting on top of things. One thing is STILL troubling me- She has new partner, moved in after 2 months, getting married soon and acting like a perfect little family with mine and his 3 kids from his previous marriage. She is clearly in love and actually being fairly nice, only one small outburst all year to me.

I have read so many conflicting stories that uBPD never goes away and others that in the late 30's and 40s that it does. It looks like i might have missed out on the better possible future and had to live with the bad whilst the new guy just gets the better side - doesn't seem fair after all the time, money and turmoil does it - any ideas guys ?
Logged
Im.okay.now
Formerly Whataride
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: In a great relationship with someone who isn't nuts !
Posts: 1792


WWW
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2010, 05:49:37 AM »

If she is BPD she will not magically get better. She is the same person that she was with you and history is doomed to repeat itself for her. The guys she is in love with will soon be joining you in the "lonely hearts club" wondering what the hell was that ?

Logged
2010
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 808


« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2010, 06:21:45 AM »

Excerpt
It looks like i might have missed out on the better possible future and had to live with the bad whilst the new guy just gets the better side

You are correct about one thing- the "looks like" part. I can tell you probably took your fair share of hits in the relationship- just based on this one sentence of faith in her new relationship. The reality is that the happy outcome is a fantasy in your own mind- and probably all that you had hoped for when you were with her and now your projecting a big bowl of happiness onto your ex and her new partner based on the deficient thinking that you expected too much of her and caused her unhappiness in the marriage.

We all went through this. The self-doubt when the ex moves on and appears so happy is normal. What if it was me? It must have been me. It's *incorrect* to assume this, but its normal.

The truth is that most BPD love affairs start off looking like the greatest love of a lifetime. They all do. And in the beginning, the red flags start flying and we choose to ignore them, then the clinging, impulsive, hateful behaviors sprout like weeds and soon things get overgrown and clogged. We just keep pulling weeds here and there but its never enough- the initial infatuation phase gets overgrown with resentment. Those weeds never stop.

BPD really is a systemic problem that's facilitated through the interactions with another person and it's usually the person within closest range.  Now that's him. It used to be you.  Eventually they will show you that history repeats. In the meantime, take a load off and realize it wasn't your fault.

Logged
Colin
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 126


« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2010, 06:34:22 AM »

Thanks for your words 2010 - i know on one level that you're right but seeing the two of them with my little boy doesn't help does it !

She had surprised me lately, before she would over-react to any cough or cold that the boy had and act like she couldn't cope at all. With the new guy, even when our boy had to go to hospital for a few days, she was completely calm, he's obviously a calming influence on her for the time being at least. She has chosen wisely, his family all live abroad and she has him all to herself with no outside influences, all the better to control him i guess. That was the main problem in our relationship, after a while my friends and family started to notice little red flags and mention them to me, she couldn't stand this. A defining part to ending our relationship was when my mother said to me that i was 'even begining to sound like her now' ! That really hit home and made me sit down and realise how much i was trying to change to fit her needs and it wasn't healthy. We all need that and i hope the new guy has someone to look out for him rather than the ex because i wouldn't wish BPD on anyone, not even him and certainly not my young son.
Logged
turtlesoup
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1045


« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2010, 06:36:07 AM »

Even forgetting the probable future, can you find solace in her past?

I have read here that mostly its all the same way. For example my ex is not in contact with any one of her ex's and not for want of trying nor the quarterly re-engages she sends to them all. She broke one of ex partners feet in a rage, she cleaned out another, yet she believes it is all her partners that are in the wrong and each and ever time a new person comes along she claims they are the greatest love of all. And as Whitney has taught us, learning to love yourself... .is the greatest love of all and with BPD she's no chance and there's no chance the new love is all roses whatsoever, really, absolutely none. Look into her past, I'd be very surprised if this is not a case of history repeating and thank your lucky stars, genuinely, thank them, that you are OUT my friend.
Logged
turtlesoup
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1045


« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2010, 06:38:33 AM »

With the new guy, even when our boy had to go to hospital for a few days, she was completely calm, he's obviously a calming influence on her for the time being at least. She has chosen wisely, his family all live abroad and she has him all to herself with no outside influences, all the better to control him i guess.

Mine too. My family live abroad, she had me all to herself, I came in there, foolishly beliving that mental illness didn't truly exist (cos it had never crossed my path) and that people needed to just face up to themselves. So I was perfect for her initially and ripe for the picking. She would say herself how I was good for her and a calming influence, if this man is vulnerable, folks abroad it may be a bed of roses for 6m-1y max, but she can't change who she is, eventually she will be too close to him, the relationship will be unable to progress and it will fall down like a pack of cards.
Logged
Colin
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 126


« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2010, 07:11:45 AM »

Thats interesting Turtlesoup - i really think that having my own family around, especially my mother and sister (i think women are much better at spotting the signals and not falling for the pretty face and act) really saved me a lot more heartache in the future. He's on his own and 9 mths into the relationship spends alot of time with her family, all control i guess. He has 3 kids of his own which he hardly sees either and a very unagreeable ex apparantly (sound familiar), i think he was ripe for the picking.

My favourite post divorce comment from ex wife was that i should be glad i married her and not the new boyfriends wife as 'she really is MAD' !
Logged
turtlesoup
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1045


« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2010, 07:15:09 AM »

Yep, he's gonna be a guy who she can trap under her spell. I can see similar things with my previous overbearing ex's (not BPD) and I can see how she chipped away at once successful, easy going guys and ruined their lives, albeit for while she had her claws in them. Often they go for guys of means who will provide for them with both love and security. Don't worry mate, its not you and it wont work out, but what you can do and what I am trying to do, is make sure that your run in with a BPD means that you dont go for a similarly abusive women again, that you don't do too much in the early days and set yourself up with a princess nor ignore those, now very obvious, Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) 's
Logged
jalk
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1853



« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2010, 07:29:39 AM »

Colin,

I agree with everyone here on the board. 2010... I really liked your weed analogy.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  They do not get better without very intensive therapy that could take upwards to 10-12 years of constant therapy... .then maybe they will get better.

Remember, what it looks like and what it really is are two different things. When I was out in public with my BPD, everyone "thought" we were very happy together. The BPD can play that part well. She is doing the same thing. They do not change. If anything, like my exBPD told me as she walked out the door... ."I'm getting better"... .well, she sure is, better at what she does. And the Grammy goes to... .
Logged
GCD145
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 1087


« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2010, 07:38:33 AM »

Look, assume for the moment that she IS happy with the new guy.  Assume that somehow you triggered or exacerbated her issues, so that you got the bad, while new guy has the magic whatever needed to soothe the savage beast in her.

Well, you aren't the new guy.  You would have had to become somebody different than who you are to live with her. 

I'm not saying that she is truly happy with him.  I agree with everyone above that things look very different from the outside, as you no doubt know.  I just see this question asked repeatedly- "what if he/ she's actually happy with new girl/ guy?".  My answer?  Good luck and god speed.  If someone else can live with the pwBPD and they're both happy, that's fabulous.

GCD145
Logged
Colin
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 126


« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2010, 07:56:08 AM »

Turtlesoup, i am keeping well away from relationships, have had a couple of dates but not ready for more at this stage.

I'm just trying to enjoy a bit of calm and peace because thats the first thing we realise we have without a BPD partner around - we suddenly have time to ourselves. I think i'll just get used to that first and try and enjoy time with my boy and pray for calm in the future !
Logged
VanessaG
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 316


« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2010, 08:10:03 AM »

Excerpt
We all went through this. The self-doubt when the ex moves on and appears so happy is normal. What if it was me? It must have been me. It's *incorrect* to assume this, but its normal.

The truth is that most BPD love affairs start off looking like the greatest love of a lifetime. They all do. And in the beginning, the red flags start flying and we choose to ignore them, then the clinging, impulsive, hateful behaviors sprout like weeds and soon things get overgrown and clogged. We just keep pulling weeds here and there but its never enough- the initial infatuation phase gets overgrown with resentment. Those weeds never stop.

Thank you for saying this.  It so perfecly sums up the relationship I had with the uBPDp in my life.

He's moved on, as in within days of seeing me last and declaring his bell "hopelessly rung" with me, and it appears that they are still together.  No re-engages.  So I think, hmmm, maybe those red flags weren't red flags.  Maybe it was me triggering very normal insecurities in him.

Nope.  I went back and read some old emails a few days back, the rages over ridiculous things, the rampant jealousy, the inability to be reassured, and if he's not BPD he's doing a damned good job playing one on TV.

In the end, when I suggested counseling because I knew something was NQR with the guy, he told me he hoped that the new woman was going to "rescue" him and that he thought she "needed him" as much as he needed her.  He told me repeatedly that he can't shake the feeling in his life that he doesn't mean very much to anyone.

Sigh.  I am > < close to forgiveness.  Just a little more time and healing (for me) I think.  I've been NC for three months.

Thanks, everyone here.

VanessaG
Logged
Colin
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 126


« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2010, 08:29:47 AM »

You're so right VanessaG - my ex said that she knew i loved her but i didn't love her how she 'wanted or needed to be loved' - i guess that they are always trying someone who can... .
Logged
VanessaG
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 316


« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2010, 08:42:10 AM »

Colin, I remind myself of what began to trigger him in our relationship and sent him off the rails -- the mention of an opposite sex business colleague, a "too long" telephone conversation with my financial planner, the fact that I called my chiropractor (who I've known for 20 years and is a dear friend of a dear friend) by his first name ... .   Not being able to call when I was chin deep in work and not able to step away when he "needed" me for some strange reason.

Those are all things that are going to come up at some point with the new woman.  She'll be too friendly with the male bank teller, or she'll mention a work meeting in which she joked with a male colleague, something like that ... .

There is some small tiny piece of me that feels compelled to warn her in some way, but circumstances won't allow, and besides, <thud>, the new woman is a mental health professional.  And oh yeah, he's an alcoholic.  (And yes, he had a binge episode after a long dry period when they were in contact, so unless he completely hid it from her, she KNOWS she's living with an alcoholic.)

So if I were a betting girl, looking at it all from a very long and safe distance, he's BPD or dancing on the fringes of it, and she is classic co-dependent.

Maybe it is the perfect dysfunctional relationship?  In a strange way, I wish them both well and hope to be out of range when it all hits the fan.  I hope that what I said to him in the end has me firmly in the "evil" category in his mind so he won't re-engagement.

I'm curious, I'm getting over the addiction, and I'm finding that focusing on me and simply the passing of time is the best healing elixir.  I find myself re-discovering the joys I used to have before him, activities that make me laugh and sigh with gratitude and bring me true peace, and even better still, physical tiredness so I can sleep without thoughts of him.  Of them.

You have kids, and so much to focus on.  She's gone.  Heck, she was gone before she was gone.

Peaceful days ahead for you, I hope.

VanessaG
Logged
2010
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 808


« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2010, 04:57:04 PM »

Colin and Vanessa, a couple of things caught my eye in your posts and I hope you dont mind if I give my impression of them based on past events in my life.

Excerpt
My favourite post divorce comment from ex wife was that i should be glad i married her and not the new boyfriends wife as 'she really is MAD' !

Colin, there is your proof right there that all is not well in their World. In all likelihood the new relationship started before the ending ( yes, a verb!) of his marriage. Most of the Cluster B disorders, (the dramatic and erratic personalities) fail to establish healthy boundaries by dramatically attaching to, clinging to, and then self-defeatingly detaching from an inexhaustible stream of lovers while they are still involved with others. They do that with the help of the Karpman Drama triangle, appearing persecuted, victimized and in need of rescue. To have the two relationships overlap in this manner, is textbook BPD.  

Often, the triangulated partner *on the outs* is used by the BPD'r as a persecutor.  That way the BPD partner can appear victimized and in need of rescue. The persecutor becomes a scapegoat and an efficient smokescreen to the new partner who comes to the rescue- You see, you and the new boyfriend's ex wife are deflecting many of the red flags that should fall squarely on their relationship.

Excerpt
he told me he hoped that the new woman was going to "rescue" him and that he thought she "needed him" as much as he needed her. There is some small tiny piece of me that feels compelled to warn her in some way, but circumstances won't allow, and besides, <thud>, the new woman is a mental health professional.

Vanessa, Both of these people have pathologies of victim and rescuer. Unfortunately, a third person is always needed as a persecutor, and that's usually the previous rescuer-(you and I both in this triangle game) who now becomes a victim themselves. You see, the rescuer doesn't stay a rescuer for very long.

How self-important that he's found a professional rescuer! I hope you realize that means nothing demeaning to the quality of concern and care you previously gave to him. It wouldn't have mattered if you were Mother Teresa.  Now it's a match made in *dysfunction heaven* as the professional "rescuer" comes to his aid and gets sucked into the game. Dont envy her at all- she's going to be a persecutor in no time. If he can keep you on the triangle as a rescuer- the game of musical chairs will continue with all of you exchanging places ad nauseum.

They say, the only way to win- is to get off the triangle, which it appears you've done. Congratulations.

This is a good example of the triangle- amusingly it's on a martial arts page. I hope you find it as fascinating as I did.

www.martialdevelopment.com/blog/breaking-the-drama-triangle/

Logged
turtlesoup
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1045


« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2010, 05:07:37 PM »

This is absolutely true. My exBPD has been sectioned twice. We can anchor her quite honestly in the "victim" role, she is the victim of police, of the mental health workers, of her family, and especially her exes (whom she re-engages all the time... .which wouldn't make sense if they were real abusers).

My ex came onto me telling me that her previous lover was the devil, that this person got her sectioned through jealousy, she was the absolute enemy when I met my ex. So I was the rescuer and so it went for the best part of 2 years, until then I started to call into question her mental stability and agreed with those around her that she was indeed seriously unwell. Showly but surely my ex started to correspond once more with this "evil tyrant" who was placed as the "devil". You can bet your bottom dollar, though I do not snoop, not never want to know, that now I have left her and we have quarrelled intensely that we have switched roles, I am the devil and she is seeking comfort with this ex-devil. And/or another as this devil is actually pretty wise to her. Wont stop her trying.

And before this devil and myself. The same triangle with different players. My ex was telling the previous partner before me (devil) that the partner before this one was evil and treating her badly.

These people are stuck, and unless they get help, doomed to playing this out indefinately, making enemies and ultimately ending up alone.
Logged
FinPublic
formerly Bay City
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 286


« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2010, 05:24:57 PM »

Hi 2010,

Thanks for the great link to the martial arts page on the Karpman Triangle. I've bookmarked it. Years and years ago, I studied Tae Kwon Do, so the blog speaks to me on several levels.

Thanks!

BC
Logged
Tippy
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 751



« Reply #17 on: February 22, 2010, 09:33:04 AM »

It `looks` like her mask is well and truly up and stuck to her face right now.  I know what you see is bothering you and it would me too after all you have put up with. Now looking back at many posts I have read over the last year one thing stuck out to me and that was the amount of nons whose partners who they didnt know were BPD changed radically when the pen signed the marriage certificate or rental agreement when they moved in.  It happened to my ex BPD, I asked when his relationship started going wrong with his wife as he said the first 7 years with her was fantastic then he married her.  It appears his attitude changed immediately they were married, not the wifes.  I asked again about when his relationship changed with the newbie he has now, he said as soon as she moved in with him (immediately after he left me).  So there you have it, the mask will slip eventually and you should breath a sigh of relief it isnt you anymore.
Logged
jalk
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1853



« Reply #18 on: February 22, 2010, 08:40:16 PM »

No
Logged
Colin
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 126


« Reply #19 on: February 26, 2010, 01:29:19 PM »

Oh i know Tippy you are right and the triangulation (read definition) is a good point - i'd not considered that but its correct we are in whether we like it as we cannot have VC at all with a small kid araound to deal with... .it's just a shame that my boy and probably the new partners kids will be used in this process going forward and that won't be pretty either !
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4817



« Reply #20 on: February 26, 2010, 01:45:05 PM »

I'm not usually on this board but the topic caught my eye, so I'll weigh in from our perspective (my DH's and mine).

DH lived with is then-wife's uNPD/BPD behaviors from the time he met her (she was 17, he was 22) until she finally moved out of their house after 19 years of marriage.  She was perfectly happy to have relationship after relationship and live with other men while making no move to end yhe marriage -- strangely, she has always treated him poorly while keeping him on somewhat of a pedestal, a very paternal figure for her, and she liked the security of always having him there.

When DH and I reconnected (we were crazy about each other as younger teens), they had been separated 14 -- yes, 14! -- YEARS.  She was stunned that he would actually pursue a divorce and remarry.  We dealt with some really severe NPD and BPD behaviors while finalizing the end of a long-dead marriage.

I say all this because you ask if the ex-wife can get better at 40?  Well, The Dark Princess (our name for the ex) was 52 years old and still behaving badly.

Now she's still with the boyfriend that she had when the divorce finally took place.  I know it may be frustrating to look at them and think that all is well (hah!), but we've reached the point we just pray for BF's ongoing health every night -- else, she's on the cellphone to DH.

Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!