I've got her right where she wants me.

[Aspenhigh]

I'm 48 and was married for 22 years, have six kids, wonderful wife died of breast cancer.  Married quickly to a sexy, wonderful woman who was married three times previously (first clue, Sherlock).  Didn't care.  In past three years of marriage, counseling, fighting, raging, abuse, etc... .I have filed for divorce 3 times.  I get re-engaged back and my resolve is at an all time low.

I have seen three counselors, all agree, she's gotta go.  I agree too.  I still have three kids at home, no kids with her.  She can hold it together most of the time... .when the PMS cycle hits, she just can't cope and the BPD raging, abuse, lying, stealing, (no sexual cheating that I know of), etc... .comes out.  It's as if there is a onion skin covering the darkness and when it is removed all hell breaks loose.  It's cost me great friends, family and we are getting isolated by the step-mom.  Everything regarding to first wife/mom is pretty much off limits and is a trigger for an episode.  Twisted, sick and ugly.

I've got to find the 'rocks' to get her out and make it stick... .Soo distasteful. I have 7 businesses, travel and I feel stuck by having her at home.  She does keep the house and kids in good shape.  It's just PMS hell-week... .While our current counselor will not slap her with BPD, he says that she has an 'Axis II' disorder of some flavor and is not/will not get much better.  She's in complete denial of it all and blames everyone but herself for just about everything, will not get help with PMDD/PMS.  She's always on offense and won't take responsibility for her verbal abuse.  I was starting to become a raging, ugly mess too.  I am doing much better at non-engagement and am in control of myself.

I am going to try to file again and go through the ugliness... .I have to make it stick this time.

[cabutterfly]

Sorry to hear you are going thru all this.  Losing a wonderful partner to Breast Cancer, left with 6 kids and married to a BPD is almost more then a human can take in my mind. 

How are your kids handling the home environment?

As for you make sure you have an outlet for your emotions.  It sound like you work alot, how are you handling the stress of all this, are you seeing a therapist yourself.

We are here for you, it helps to vent so please do.

[KateCat]

 

You are not the first widower to post here about his great shock at going from a healthy marriage to an unhealthy one. The difference must be a shock to your kids too, so I have the same questions as cabutterfly. Are your kids able to talk to you about how they feel? And are you getting a counselor's help in sorting out your feelings and determining your next move?

I'll bet the last three years have seemed like a lifetime. But, when it comes to term of divorce (should it do that), it's a short term marriage. No matter how she may view it, you haven't ruined her life, nor are you more responsible for her life than the three husbands who came before you.

Right now it sounds as though your family is stuck living out her pattern: marriage, discord, divorce. I see that you don't want to let this go on for much longer. There are lots of husbands and fathers who post on this forum and they will be able to share good ideas with you as you move forward, in whichever direction.

[Im.okay.now]

Hi Aspenhigh

The only person that make this happen is yourself. You have 2 chpices:

1 . Make the decision to move on and then stick with it. Go through some short term pain and go on to live a happy and healthy life with people that deserve your kindness in the long term.

2. Stay stuck in this worthless, abusive, toxic and pointless relationship and live this this forever.

Take your pick.

I chose #1. It wasn't easy but the long term benefits have proven themselves to far, far out-weight the short term pain a million times over. 

You can do it. Take the step and don't look back.

ION

[VB]

Hi Aspenhigh

The only person that make this happen is yourself. You have 2 chpices:

1 . Make the decision to move on and then stick with it. Go through some short term pain and go on to live a happy and healthy life with people that deserve your kindness in the long term.

2. Stay stuck in this worthless, abusive, toxic and pointless relationship and live this this forever.

Take your pick.

I chose #1. It wasn't easy but the long term benefits have proven themselves to far, far out-weight the short term pain a million times over. 

You can do it. Take the step and don't look back.

ION

Thank you for that post. You have really made me see things in black and white (although not like a BPD- you have to laugh sometimes!)  ;p

[turtlesoup]

How long you been out ION?

[Im.okay.now]

Since her birthday in October 2008.

[turtlesoup]

Since her birthday in October 2008.

And how long did it take you after this to start to feel ok again?

[Im.okay.now]

by the way - you will be amazed at how empowering it is to make a decision and stick with it. There are setbacks along the way ... .like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back but if you keep your focus on your goal (i.e. to keep moving on and to break free) you will feel  the power that comes with having a goal and going for it.

[Im.okay.now]

It was 6 months of hard labour but i never let off on my resolve to keep moving on and then things started to feel better. Another 3 months and then things really started moving along

Today the sky is clear and bright blue.

I was involved for over 2 years with her.

[OnceConfused]

AspenHigh and ION:

Like aspenhigh, I lost my wife of 22 years to a car accident and have 3 children. A year later, I met this beautiful divorce w 1 kid, so I thought she might understand my situation. Well, it turned out she was BPD and I went through 9 months of hell with her. Finally, I left her. Had I stayed I would have lost my children, my friends and my assets to this beatiful raging woman with a bottomless neediness.

ION, you are right. I left the xBPD and i felt great for having the courage to do so, the wisdom to see through the veil of prettiness.

I am now married to a wonderful woman, so guys, by losing BPD I have gained a much more beautiful relationship.

For about 3 weeks before I left BPD, I listened and listened to words of wisdom from Wayne Dyer in his cd 1010 ways to transform yourself and Staying the path. Finally my head was clear and I lowered the gun sight and said good bye.

[canucky]

I am really sorry for hearing your story. When my exBPDgf went into PMS it was almost one of the most unbearable feelings I have every felt. Kinda like being a mouse in a snake cage. Trylu unbearbale so I fell your pain.

Don't let it affect your work, your friends nor family and kids. Getting away or making a plan to move away from it is first step since you aren't just going to step out. When my exgf raged on PMS numerous times I had to just run out the door as she would just sit there and elevate rage without control while I just sat there trying not to provoke an arguement. It was utter insanity.

I have tried everything and I can tell you that even a saint would not be able to properly deal with these types of situations so try to move away from the fog and raging. They won't take responsiblilty for their actions therefore they will never acknowledge that their actions are hurt wrong and cycle will continue.

I was only with my exgf for just under three years and it was easily the most exhusting, toxic to the soul experience I could ever imagine. Being a strong man I thought I would be able to get through anything and she just need love from someone she hadn't experience. In the end I was paying the price for something I couldn't control and affected every aspect of my life. They hold many similarities, they are stunning beautiful, smart witty and sensual. On the flip they are manipulative, lazy, crass, cheaters and liers. I put mine in the 80/20 rule. 80% painful and 20% bliss. Another else I would have dropped them at 50/50

Learn from your mistakes. You were vulnerable when you met her due to a tragic death and being a widower. You had kids (many also good for you) which you wanted a female figure to take care of them and company for yourself. You picked wrong, made a bad investment and must cut your losses as your investment will be going bankrupt and you know it.

I have put more effort and love, patience, money and energy into my exBPDgf than I probably had compared to all other combined. I am just in the beginning stages and it is hard to leave... .almost impossible but you must to conserve what you still retain of yourself unless she can commit to a length, painful road to therapy and recovery from such a horrible issue.

Stay strong my friend,

Canucky

P.S Canada just lost against the US in Oylmpic hockey... .boohoo

[2010]

I have 7 businesses, travel and I feel stuck by having her at home.  She does keep the house and kids in good shape.  It's just PMS hell-week... .While our current counselor will not slap her with BPD, he says that she has an 'Axis II' disorder of some flavor and is not/will not get much better. I have seen three counselors, all agree, she's gotta go.  I agree too.  I still have three kids at home, no kids with her.  She can hold it together most of the time... .when the PMS cycle hits, she just can't cope

Hope I'm not too forward in this, but saying that your wife has an Axis II disorder of some flavor is a give-away in therapy. The majority of us who walk through the door depressed due to life's problems are generally Axis II. Insurance companies really need this label to cover the session. You have it and I have it on our medical records unless something sets us apart in the DSM-IV for a more pervasive, ongoing, intense problem.

I get the impression that you're not sure if your Wife's actions are hormonal and come and go on a monthly so called PMS cycle- or you actually believe that this is a deeply rooted mental disorder. One is hormonal and the other is not. One can be helped with medication and the other cannot. One can be tested with a hormone test on any day of the week and the other cannot. BPD cannot be seen until it is triggered. There is no blood test for BPD. There is for PMS.

You didn't say if these "counselors" are seeing you and her together or just you alone. Most counselors would be able to make a determination after seeing both of you what the dynamics are. Be aware that many counselors confuse BPD with bipolar diagnoses- but you'll be able to figure that out if they suggest medication. They also find a common bond of NPD with BPD in couples that trigger each other's buttons.  All told, it looks like you have some questions to ask the counselor about the differences between PMS and BPD. Good luck to you and take care.

[Aspenhigh]

My double-mindedness and indecision regarding this matter is freaking me out.  I just can't seem to put this thing away.  I don't know if it is the sex or the convenience or the stubborn determination that says 'if I can handle 8 years of cancer, chemo and broken hearts, I can take this'.  I any regard, I took my wedding band of and put it back on eight times yesterday.  I really don't have another area of my life that I have this kind of wishy-washy, on/off attitude.

I have not read the Wayne Dyer book that you mentioned, I will look into it.  I am a Christian.  She is hostile to that.  My faith is in shambles... .Saw a good video on validating.  It made sense to me.  Going crazy.

It really helps to have someone out there who has lost the their first wife and screwed up on the second.  I'm trying.  I cannot afford another cave-in of my will and determination.  Thanks.

[Im.okay.now]

What you are going through is normal in a situation like this and could be rooted in fear of the future, fear of feeling more pain, veiled sense of security and lack of confidence in your abilities to pick up the pieces and move on.

I am here to tell you that you can do it ! Millions have gone before you and millions will follow you.

Try not to fight your feelings. Go with them.

Try to focus on where you want to go and then make decisions that will take you there. You don;t have to go all the way in one shot ... .but you do have to take the first step towrads your objective which is to start to build a MUCH better life for yourself.

You will find the answers to get yourself through this inside yourself ... .Believe in yourself ... .you can do it. Make the decision and go ... .you can do much better for yourself.

I know i did ... .i went through hell and  kept on going ! Sometimes i thought it would never stop but i kept on going. It was hard but today my life is the best i have ever experienced. Had i not beleived that i could do it and keep on gonig i would have denied myself this great experience that my life now is.

Take care

ION