Years ago, BPD was considered a mental illness that was hopeless. We have all heard about therapists who wouldnt treat a person with BPD, and the levels of frustration and utter inability to work with those suffering from it.

It has been relatively recently that there IS hope, there IS therapy and there IS reason to feel that those with BPD can be helped and healed.

This happened in my own home.

My H was diagnosed with BPD and was referred to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. He is considered recovered.  For our marriage to heal, tho, we had to separate, I had to get into my own therapy for codependance and we had to have therapy with a DBT trained therapist to get well. Today,  BPD is not in our home at all, and we are happy and functioning. There have been many challenges along the way and many surprises.

What is your story of recovery? What has helped you? Your loved one? Your relationship? What challenges have you experienced along the way? What are your hopes for the future?

 

For me, acceptance and learning to take care of myself were the biggest changes to create more happiness.

Radical acceptance - He is who he is... .a duck... .trying to make that duck bark only frustrates me and pisses off the duck.

I also learned to take a time out - a critical skill. We can't save them - we can't control them - we can't make it all better for them. All of our defenses, all of our explanations just come across as invalidations to them, which only make things worse. Learning when and how to walk away from their dysregulation has prevented further verbal abuse, therefore lessening the painful after effects of the verbal abuse and his own shame when he realized how awful he was.

We are often our own worst enemies. Seeing him as the bad guy kept me trapped in a victim mentality. It kept all the power in his hands to do as he wished and left me feeling weak and defenseless. If he is bad, then I must be good - right? A helpful article, though a long read, is Rethinking "don't blame the victim" - The Psychology of Victimhood .  

Working the tools here and working on myself has reduced the hurt and pain, and brought us closer together. He feels listened to and I don't feel abused. We both feel loved and we both keep working together.

As I worked towards learning about him and his situation, I wound up learning about myself too. The human capacity to heal, our ability to adapt, and how change isn't easy - but it is very possible - if you want it badly enough... .

My SO and I have been together for a bit over eight years, and the work we've both done on ourselves and our relationship over the past year is amazing. We are pretty damn happy these days. The thing that has helped her most is DBT, the thing that has helped me most is radical acceptance, and the thing that has helped our relationship most is de-enmeshing.

We were friends before we were lovers, and already had trust when we got involved. I realized early she had more than the PTSD/childhood sexual abuse and general trauma/PMDD diagnosis she came into the relationship with, and we diagnosed her with BPD early. So I was never much effected by the FOG, never thought the things she said when dysregulated were true, never lost my sense of self.

I don't know if she still fits the BPD criteria anymore--she used to be all nine. She used to self harm, attempt suicide, have agoraphobia and anxiety and panic attacks, dissociated regularly, got lost/lose time, cried almost every day, had psychotic breaks, got really angry really easily, couldn't remember what day it was, couldn't work every day, etc etc. But she was always nice, even defferential to me, except sometimes when she was dysregulated or psychotic, which didn't happen too often. And she was in therapy, on meds, sharing her feelings and thoughts with me, through all o it.

So even when things were their worst, the fact that I always knew what was going on with her, and we were always into the cuddling thing, made life seem okay enough to keep at it. I was totally enabling her to live a life with few responsibilities, spent all my time trying to arrange things so as to help her avoid feeling her pain, and it worked for years, was very nice in fact, 'cause we both have the same idea of a good time. But then she started to get meaner and I started to get angrier and it culminated in her suicide attempt, attempt to choke me, my calling 911, and her time in the psych ward--a rock bottom that we'd avoided due to years of enabling and enmeshment. But there we were, and things have been so much better ever since.

She took an intensive DBT course and learned all kinds of tools for handling her emotions. I worked hard on radical acceptance and we both worked on de-enmeshment and validation. We've been in MC since that time, about 15 months now, and during that period, my SO has engaged in almost literally none of the seriously symptomatic behaviors described above. At times it's seemed like magic, how much calmer and more thoughtful she is in the way she expresses herself and handles her emotions. How much more connected she is to me and to herself. It's just so wonderful there are no words for it. And so much of it is due to my pulling back and focusing on myself, just letting her be and not trying to fix everything. And I am still looking for a therapist for myself.

This board has helped a lot--I started posting here during the time when it was getting bad, a year or so before the rock bottom. Seeing parts of myself and my relationship in others here has helped me see my behaviors and stop engaging in the ones I saw others here should so clearly stop engaging in. Looking at people here and all the mistakes and pain, it became clear to me, what I wanted my relationship to be, the ways I needed to act to make it that way. The tools I learned here were many of the same tools my SO learned at the same time in DBT, so it really timed out well.

I have no question that our future will be wonderful. We've made so much progress, there's no way we could go back. I suppose it's possible that as we both continue to grow, we will grow apart, but I doubt it. We're each other's best friends, we've been through so much together and had so many great times even through the pain, that I can't imagine we won't always be in love.

Peacebaby

Yes, we move out of our "comfort zone" of dysfunction - where normal seems weird and scary. Like something is "off" or "not quite right"... .

Kind of like if you normally shop at Wal-Mart, and then suddenly go into a boutique on Rodeo Drive. You feel intimidated and overwhelmed.

Of if your normal restaurant of choice is McDonalds, and someone suddenly takes you out for real fine dinning. You don't know the social etiquette, so your comfort level drops.

These things are outside of your normal behaviors and experiences, so they feel awkward. Stepping away from the chaos and not engaging in the drama feels   wrong somehow... .we feel bad - for not rushing in to rescue them - to make things better - to stop the fight - to patch things up - to walk on eggshells... .

Yes, when we de-emesh, the real growth and change begins - for both parties 

I'm not sure if I can call my relationship a "success" yet but it definitely feels successful at this point in time.

My BF is not cured and is not going through any type of therapy to lead him there, but great improvements have been made in our relationship. He is what I would describe as high functioning... .he appears strong and stable to the rest of the world; only those close to him see the unstable side, he doesn't self harm, has never been suicidal as far as I know, doesn't drink or use drugs, has never been physically violent towards me, and for the most part is the "leader" in our home.

He does show abandonment issues, is quick to anger, has raged, but has not done it in about 6 months, has very black and white thinking, and bouts of depression... .along with a few other minor traits.

I think the thing that has helped our relationship the most was me educating myself about BPD, the why's behind it, how he must be feeling, and mostly, importantly, what I can do to help him. I have had to learn to take care of myself, realize not to personalize things and understand that most of the time when he gets angry it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. I've learned to accept the way he feels, learned to validate those feelings, which in turn has helped him to work through those feelings on his own. I've learned to not defend myself, no matter how hard it is at times, yet set boundaries regarding how I will be treated.

For those of you who may be reading this and are new, I was skeptical at first... .validate the crazy statements they make? not defend myself? I felt it would just give him permission to keep treating me bad. But it doesn't if it is done in the right manner and you keep your boundaries. The tools on here really do make a difference.

We're still a work in progress. I know he will get dysregulated again... .probably in the next week... .maybe more than once or twice... .but I can now deal with it, keep my peace of mind, and the periods seem to get shorter and shorter. I think more than anything, learning how to better communicate with my BF has built a foundation of trust between he and I. I feel its helped to build a loving and trusting environment when he can feel more secure, which helps him deal with abandonment and anger issues much better.

Good luck to everyone out there!

Hello to all... .I haven't posted in a while, and tonight I was sitting here thinking that I have some really positive things to say about my SO w/BPD... .I thought about the fact that I rarely see positive things said here, so I decided it was time for me to come post something.  First, I would like to say WTG Steph on this thread.  I was pleasantly surprised to see it!   

I have lived with my SO for 15 months now.  There are so many differences in her from when she first told me about BPD and sent me to this site to help me understand to today!  I am not going to sit here and say we haven't had our down times... .but I am very happy to say they are FEW and FAR between now!  Sometimes I think that those who suffer from BPD just needs someone to WANT to understand... .because as we all know... .those of us that do not suffer from this, truly have no REAL grasp of what these individuals deal with on a daily basis.  What I do know is... .I have watched my SO go from every other day mood swings to possibly months in between them.  Now, I would like to clarify one thing... .when I say mood swings, I am not talking bout rages.  We went through a couple of those in the beginning and that was when I got REALLY confused and she sent me here... .to learn... .I can honestly say... .I don't remember the last "rage" she had.  She has had plenty of reasons to do so at times... .which she usually retreats to her room to calm down... .used to when she would retreat she may not come out til the next day.  I have noticed that now, not only does she come out usually in less than an hour... .but she also apoligizes to anyone involved in the mood swing.  Most of the time it is just me, but there is the ocasional time that it also involves my son.  Which let me tell u... .if I didnt know better I would think I have BPD occasionally dealing with the teenager.   ;p   I have watched her become much more patient with him... .and the things teenagers do these days... .she is now a GREAT parent figure in his life and a wonderful influence. 

One thing that bothers me a lot is when these individuals do so much hard work to get to where they are now... .to try to overcome these things that keep them feeling negative and such... .and people do not give the credit where credit is due.  I have had people tell me my SO is doing so much better now and they thank me... .I tell them, it isn't me... .she is doing this... .she is making the correct decisions to overcome that mood swing... .overcome that depression... .and to live life from day to day in a more positive way!  I don't make these decisions for her... .She has and continues to do an awesome job turning the negativity into a positive thing.

Quite right. Some BPD features that meet the criteria resolves themselves with no therapy at all but this may take a while. Certainly, DBT, CBT or pschoanalysis have all helped to not just manage but HEAL the disorder.

We are the happy stories.  By strengthening our self worth and taking care of ourselves we are successful.  Whether we remain with our partners or not... .we understand that it is up to ourselves to define our own value.

We are successful when we choose to stop our part in their dysfunction...

This thread has helped me to see something about myself and why I friended a male uBPD even though I have a stable marriage.  I missed the crisis, the stimulation of all the drama, which is what I grew up with.  Indeed, this was me lapsing back into old scripted patterns without me even realizing it until it had already happened!  And I see now that it was a way for me to avoid some personal issues of my own (moving to a new town and establishing myself with new friends and putting down new roots).  Instead I allowed myself to develop a relationship with uBPD friend.  It was a quick fix and allowed me not to feel the discomfort of living in a new place, but instead had me obsessing over the ups and downs of my uBPD friend.  Clear as a bell now!  One thing is for sure.  There are no short cuts in life, even though the unhealthy part of me sure tried to see if there was one!

I never thought I'd have anything positive to say in terms of success with my BPDh.  He's been doing DBT for about 6 months, every other week of individual therapy only.  He's been on different meds for anxiety disorder, depression and ADHD for about 9 months.  Within the last few weeks he has suddenly been more present in the family, not just spending time but being emotionally present.  He's almost like he used to be 15 years ago before his disorders began taking over his (and our) life.  He has been able to listen to me, staying present emotionally and not walking out.  But here's the biggest success to date:  I told him that when I share my perspective or feelings about a behavior of his, and this doesn't match the "facts" in his head, he dismisses and degrades me.  Then he will do the behavior more.  When I get upset or set a boundary, it still doesn't match his "reality", his anxiety level is ramped up, and he repeats the behavior until he becomes abusive and I have to walk away.  I have tried to tell him this for a LONG time.  THIS time, he responded that he hears my fears and that this is part of his "disability", as he calls it, and he is working on it.  He said he's working at staying present more to hear my feelings, whether or not they match his "reality."  He also said he's willing to keep working on this until he's better, doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage.  It seems that this kind of recognition of his own disorder is really huge!  I've been dealing with his illness for SO long, I'm finding it hard to be excited about this step.  In talking to my H I've been supportive and encouraging.  But the reality is, I sure don't trust this!  If he can maintain this new level of functioning over time, perhaps I'll get there.  Regardless of how our marriage works out or not, I think this is a major success for him.  Who knew?   

Thanks much for this thread! 

When I first became serious with my DH and discovered that his ex wife had BPD, I looked hard for success stories of POST divorce relationships with people diagnosed with BPD.  I knew his ex (not well) before they split up, and she seemed remarkably open to me, though occasionally raging.  I have worked with many mentally ill people, and do not get my buttons pushed as easily as some by crazy stuff, and also have good boundaries.  I had high hopes.  They have not been realized. 

I share the experience of the BPD in my life (my "ex-wife in-law" that sometimes it seems all she needs is someone to WANT to understand her, someone to love her for who she is.  The biggest success stories here seem to be stories in which people were truly great mates for each other, with the exception of the BPD issue... .I know many people stay with a partner for religious reasons, but it seems that many here stayed due to real love and friendship.  This is why my partner and I are together.  We are deep, true friends.  With his ex, that was not the case.  He became involved for the drama, and they got pregnant a few months in, and told him when he tried to break up after a violent spell.  They were never really friends, but he stayed for 7 years "for the kids."  He did love her, but never had the friendship or skills to create boundaries or to use "non-violent communication skills" like Randi Krieger's. 

He is now quite honest about the ways that his reactions to her and his personality contributed to her worst BPD rages.  I think the bottom line, though, was that they really did not have that "partnership/friendship/soulmate" connection so many of you seem to have that makes learning these skills seem worth it. 

I really think the BPD in our life has a lot of potential.  She refuses to accept diagnosis and is alcoholic, on the downside.  On the upside, she always responds positively to my genuine caring about her, even when she is hatefully attacking me.  She will always hug back.  She has a warm, loving side that can really be accessed even in the worst times.  She does not cut or self-harm.  She is able to maintain a few (one or two) good friends.  She has strong social values and works to help the world in lots of good ways.  She loves her kids, though she is very self-absorbed and can be negligent and emotionally abusive and manipulative to the extreme, and is very focused on alienating them from their dad. 

All this said, I wish that there were more examples of successful separation, successful post-divorce relationships.  Not just tolerance, but real care.  Part of the problem here is the terrible devastation of abandonment for the BPD sufferer--even when she leaves first.  Part of the issue is that while the BPD person in my life always responds to loving/understanding/compassionate actions and statements in the moment, she forgets about this feeling right away and it turns into her old story--"everyone hates me, screw them!"  I would have to be telling her she is okay with me, even crazy, every five minutes for that feeling to have any lasting impressoin--and I would not have that kind of energy for even a romantic partner, much less my partner's ex wife! 

But I can see that if my current mate became mentally ill, I would do everything in my power to work through that with him (as I do with issues that have developed in the past 3 years of our relationship), because I love him and because the things I need to do inside me to make it all work are things I want to do anyway, and he supports me in that. 

More power to you all!  I know I am not supposed to post on this board, but sometimes I feel alone in my sense that the BPD person in my life is really a beautiful soul--someone that is VERY hard for me to deal with, someone who may never seek treatment, someone who may mostly hate me and do her best to destroy me due to my role in her and her kids' and ex husband's lives... .but someone who STILL can really hear it when I tell her I love her for who she is, and someone who can genuinely tell me the same. 

I really see her as a success story... .he relationships are mess, her kids are emotionally scrambled... .but here is a woman who was beaten senseless by mom, abandoned at 2 years old by dad, and sexually abused by her mom's BFs until she became a teen... .and she 1) Does not physically abuse her kids; 2) has never officially objected to their dad having 50% custody, though she has tried to alienate the kids from him constantly and tells them she will take them away from daddy, but has never tried; 3) has two kids who really do feel loved by her... .fearful about her leaving or dying or freaking out, yes... .but loved.  This is a woman who took in unimaginable pain and somehow turned it into a lot of love.  Lots of rage, anger, meanness, ugly emotional manipulation, yes... .but also a lot of love, forgiveness, and MUCH better parenting than she was given.  She is a difficult part of my life, and I feel very angry at times about how she treats the kids and my husband; I love them, and see the pain that her untreated BPD causes in their lives. 

But ultimately, she is in some ways a hero.  And whatever pain her choice not to treat her BPD and her parents' choices to hurt her causes me, her kids, or her ex husband, it causes her much more.  I hope she can find a partner who can be there for her in the way you all have been there for yours; and who she feels the kind of love for that makes her be able to risk seeking therapy. 

I won't try to predict our future ... My partner and I have been together for about 3 years ... .the first 2 years where good and then he became very dysregulated ... .shortly after he was dx with BPD ... .

The first six months after the dx were HARD ... .on both of us ... .The actions leading to his dx were very hurtful to both of us individuall and our relationship ... .a lot of trust was destroyed ... .

The last couple of months things have very much improved ... .

Here is why I think they have ... .

1. I don't get all worked  up over his stuff anymore ... .He want's to break up, I just go with it ... .It will change ... .

2. I suck at validation so I go about it differently ... .When I know something is wrong I drag it out of him and we talk about the issue head on

3. We were in couples therapy for about 4 months to start the discussion and he continues to see his individual therapist

4. My SO is aware and accepts his BPD ... .Doesn't mean he likes it ... In fact he hates having it ... .But he doesn't hide from it either ... .Even if the BPD gets the upper hand for a couple of days, when he calms down he analyzes what happens and takes responsibility ... .

5. My SO isn't verbally or physically abusive

So do we have a success story?

I don't know ...

Have things improved? Yes ... .But is it a "perfect" relationship? No and it never will be ... .But then nothing is ... .

Is my SO more self aware? Yes and that, more than anything else has helped things to improve

For myself, personally, in all this the best thing I did was to just leave stuff alone and not get caught up in his craziness ... .


I have no idea what will happen in a year for us ... .But I can see improvements today ... .

I am happy to say much progress has been made since I first arrived here.  Much progress has been made in just the last 9 months.  There has not been any rages in our house for months now.  We are talking constructively and the largest problem for us has been dealt with.   We will most likely always have some problems to be dealt with but at least we can do so much better now.  There has been peace and contentment not from avoidance but from true problem solving and working together.

This is my experience as well.  After my BPDFH's brain cancer was found, and after he stopped chemo (he actually quit, long story... .ugh, noncompliance!), he wanted to be on another "break" from the relationship - this was 3 years in, after many other breaks - and I put my foot down. I said "Fine, but I'm going to see other people too this time."  Having the tables turned really made him see what life was like without me around.  I didn't like being without him either, and we came back together and were much happier after that.

My uPBDfh and I had a really good evening last night!  He just got a new job (car sales) and had a rough day at work, plus he was struggling with his father's distancing and in general he wanted to talk.  He had been telling me about it when I was on my way home from work, but had to go since his dad was calling him.

I told him I had to stop at the library, then I'd be home.  I did, and when I got in I greeted him and the dog, and held the cat for a while, and everything seemed okay.  Then he got out his computer, and I asked if I could tell him more about my trip to the dentists earlier, and he said I could.  So I was talking, and he was quiet.  After I'd finished, he was still quiet for a while, so I kept asking if things were okay, and got a non-committal response from him.

He went to lay down in the bedroom then, in the way that he does when he's upset, and I went and tried to ask him to talk.  He wouldn't.  I got angry, and left the room to take out the trash.  After the trash I felt a bit calmer and decided to try again.  I could tell he was in more distress now, so I asked if I could sit by him on the bed and read.  And once I did, he eventually did open up to me.  Turns out he had wanted to tell me more about my day, but apparently I just "never stop talking" and he didn't know how to get a word in.  So when I didn't ask him about his story, he got upset because I was telling mine, and since I didn't remedy the situation that's when he went into the bedroom.

We discussed this and both agreed to try to express ourselves more openly.  I asked if it would help to have a stick or another object that was the "speaking stick", and if he needed to talk he could hold it up and I'd know he had something to say.  He's considering this idea, though he says his family used to try that when he was a teenager and wouldn't listen (literally would not listen even when his parents had the speaking stick), so I can tell there might be some resistance.

But!  We made progress.  I didn't give in to withdrawal or anger, I waited him out and was patient and he actually talked to me.  There was no blow-up.  We were able to go to dinner with his dad and have a nice time, and then went and got a Wii later in the evening and played it and had a great time!

If every time he has an issue things can go this way, we are on our way to great times.