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Author Topic: Are you addicted to drama & abuse?  (Read 1914 times)
Randi Kreger
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Author of the 'Essential Family Guide to BPD"


« on: February 26, 2010, 12:01:47 PM »

Someone on one gave me permission to re-post it. I thought you might be interested. Many people have echoed the same sorts of sentiments. The high of a drug like crack may only last a little while, but during that time, people stick with it because it provides them an escape from their dismal reality, feelings of themselves, a chemical drug forms neurological addictions and therefore has physical consequences.I think a non relationship with a BP is a similar emotional addiction.  I know that I didn't trust myself, my choices, and was afraid of the consequences of any choice I made--self confidence, self esteem, and self love issues.  Rather than improving those things, I found someone to escape these feelings who had the same issues. They just so happened to be BP and at a much more severe state than me.  I think this addiction for me is two fold:  A) the abuse supported my feelings of myself.  Reenforced my lack of self confidence, my lack of self esteem, and continued to erode at my self love.  "My habit" supported me. B) She was worse off than me, and therefore provided a way for me to feel better about myself -- this is where the high came in every time I had to rescue her, or save her from herself. It was an escape how bad I felt about myself.  I could say, hey, "I'm not so terrible after all because she needs me and therefore I must have some value." As with any addiction, the addiction to a BP is destructive of the "drug user."Her behaviors would be abusive to me in so many ways and on so many levels that if I did not detach, did not quit rescuing and trying to save her, did not enforce bounderies to protect myself from her, I would in the end lose my life, my soul, my existence.  Just as a junkie has nothing left of themselves but the next fix.  I was very near to living for nothing more than the next drama episode, the next emotional black mail, the next insult, the next self abuse.In some ways, I wonder for me, that just as some recovering alcoholics can never be alcohol ever again or risk being addicted again, I don't know if I as a recovering "non-BP" can continue to be near my wife and form a mutually rewarding relationship, as I'll always be wondering if I'll give in to the "addiction" of trying to rescue her, being used by her, being manipulated by her, re-engaged, or in some way succombing to additional abuse by her.I may have to give her up completely in order to recover myself.  I used to pride myself on the fact that I had no vices in life.  Yet, I chose the most sinister vice of all... .another person.Sorry this is so long, I couldn't think of a way to describe it without giving the detail.  Even this doesn't really describe the feeling behind all of it.
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I had a borderline mother and narcissistic father. Author of stop walking on eggshells, The stop walking on eggshells workbook, the essential family guide to borderline personality disorder, and the upcoming book stop walking on egg shells for partners
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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2010, 03:42:36 AM »

This is so true.   And it hit me one night Idea when I realized that I had been conditioned to take care of others rather than myself.   As a good child of a Borderline Mother, I stepped up to the plate in every happenstance- sacrificing myself to make peace and not allowing her to suffer the consequences of her inappropriate behavior.   It was only natural to replace her with a romantic partner that had the same problems.

In the dynamic, I underemployed my resources towards my own happiness and over employed them with other people’s happiness, completely invalidating myself in the process.

The good child of the Borderline has a fear of success, rather than a fear of failure.  Failure is quite familiar to children of Borderlines while success is riddled with guilt. It didn’t take me long to see that I was more comfortable dealing with the BPD’s failures than looking at my own. That’s where all of my energy went. When it came to my success, the BPD partner really was a drain, a distraction and an eventual bad habit that became an addiction. 

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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2010, 06:24:53 AM »

2010,, I couldn't say that better myself, ,that is how I feel. I am also the child of a BD Mother, it seemed normal to have a partner with it too!
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Interestedparty
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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2010, 09:04:30 AM »

Excerpt
Rather than improving those things, I found someone to escape these feelings who had the same issues. They just so happened to be BP and at a much more severe state than me.

Excerpt
She was worse off than me, and therefore provided a way for me to feel better about myself -- this is where the high came in every time I had to rescue her, or save her from herself. It was an escape how bad I felt about myself.  I could say, hey, "I'm not so terrible after all because she needs me and therefore I must have some value."

It is true and on some level I can relate to that myself. Especially looking back at my choices in the past.

The law of attraction says that you attract what you are within yourself and the situation/person will always be a mirror to show you where you are. I feel that it is absolutely and without doubt true.

We have all seen people who when we saw their partners we silently thought, 'Gosh, what is he/she doing with him/her? What on earth do they see in him/her?' because the partner appeared so mis-matched in a negative way. Especially when you think person no.1 appeared to have so much going on for them in terms of looks, personality and/or success in life.

But the quality or lack of it in their partner and their partners actions told you CLEARLY how person no.1 really felt about themselves. It showed you their low self-esteem and lack of self-love despite outward seemingly positive and successful attributes. Their partner mirrored how negatively they felt about themselves, if they had felt more confident and positive about themselves about themselves they would never have been with such a person in the first place.







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bkay
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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2010, 12:53:36 PM »

The good child of the Borderline has a fear of success, rather than a fear of failure.  Failure is quite familiar to children of Borderlines while success is riddled with guilt. It didn’t take me long to see that I was more comfortable dealing with the BPD’s failures than looking at my own. That’s where all of my energy went. When it came to my success, the BPD partner really was a drain, a distraction and an eventual bad habit that became an addiction. 

This is so true.  I've had FOO issues that I don't believe I ever addressed within myself any my BPD partner brought those issues to the surface.  I had/have issues, but he had issues "extreme."  I found myself hiding more from my own issues while I was with him because the r'ship was all about him and his issues extreme.  It was exhausting being with him and that was more of an excuse to not tackle my own.  But when the BPD person is out of your life, you're now left with no other choice than to figure yourself out.  It's like a nuclear bomb is set off inside of you and all of your issues need to be addressed finally since the drama and abuse is now gone.  You're left with your issues staring at you.

Good thread... .
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juner
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« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2010, 02:23:57 PM »

Great post.

When I wanted to see my BP friend I often told her "I need my (Jane Doe) fix!"

She was a drug and I was addicted to her tales of injustices, road rage, tavern dust-ups, work disputes, and other heartaches. Her stories were always more exciting than mine, like a drug. And I got off, too, on the mirroring. It somehow seemed like validation, even though I regret sharing all my secrets now.

My weak self-esteem got a shot when I was able to keep my temper while she stewed over stupid little things. But she made sure I hurt when it was me who stepped out of line.

It made me feel important that I could offer sympathy. We were like two little kids who refused to grow up, even in our late 40s. But little by little over these past years, I'm making progress. I've dropped all the road rage - hey people make mistakes, it's not personal. It was sad and funny to see her driving not so long ago and cursing/gesturing every 30 seconds. I also quit drinking like I used to, another reason for her to start distancing ... .and I became more settled with childhood issues. I'm not trying to say I'm oh-so-superior, but I am putting myself first for a change.

The devastating personal attacks only came now and then, but they now speak volumes about what I was willing to tolerate, and now it's time to move on and grow up.


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kly
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« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2010, 08:27:59 PM »

Ugh, no the opposite here.  I hated the drama.  The adrenaline wasn't a good feeling, it produced extreme anxiety.  It took a bit to realize that was the norm for him.

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JoannaK
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« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2010, 10:38:03 PM »

We have a Workshop on Addictive Relationships which talks about some of the same issues:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72858.0;all
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cali girl
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« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2010, 12:49:33 AM »

Wow, nice post... .it takes 2 to dance - its always easier to point the finger at the other person.  Non's are also disfunctional, we chose the chaos, this I know.  

I also pride myself on having no vices although I need to kick this habit for good... .
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rosebud
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« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2010, 11:21:08 AM »

Ugh, no the opposite here.  I hated the drama.  The adrenaline wasn't a good feeling, it produced extreme anxiety.  It took a bit to realize that was the norm for him.

Gotta agree.  I hated the drama too, lots of anxiety... .it was awful.  I liked the love, affection and fun and even the serious conversations working through our issues, though now I know that was part of the hook.  When he got all dramatic and toxic, I'd remove myself or try to remove him.  It was too much.
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Koro
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« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2010, 01:00:55 PM »

If I say this is a 100% accurate of my situation, I would be understating it. This post WAS freaking AMAZING; it's like I got out of my body, saw myself and started describing what's wrong with me.

Someone on one of my Welcome to Oz groups posted this and gave me permission to re-post it. I thought you might be interested. Many people have echoed the same sorts of sentiments.


Randi Kreger

Randi @Author, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells



The high of a drug like crack may only last a little while, but during that time, people stick with it because it provides them an escape from their dismal reality, feelings of themselves, a chemical drug forms neurological addictions and therefore has physical consequences.

I think a non relationship with a BP is a similar emotional addiction.  I know that I didn't trust myself, my choices, and was afraid of the consequences of any choice I made--self confidence, self esteem, and self love issues. 

Rather than improving those things, I found someone to escape these feelings who had the same issues. They just so happened to be BP and at a much more severe state than me.  I think this addiction for me is two fold: 

A) the abuse supported my feelings of myself.  Reenforced my lack of self confidence, my lack of self esteem, and continued to erode at my self love.  "My habit" supported me.

B) She was worse off than me, and therefore provided a way for me to feel better about myself -- this is where the high came in every time I had to rescue her, or save her from herself. It was an escape how bad I felt about myself.  I could say, hey, "I'm not so terrible after all because she needs me and therefore I must have some value." As with any addiction, the addiction to a BP is destructive of the "drug user."

Her behaviors would be abusive to me in so many ways and on so many levels that if I did not detach, did not quit rescuing and trying to save her, did not enforce bounderies to protect myself from her, I would in the end lose my life, my soul, my existence.  Just as a junkie has nothing left of themselves but the next fix.  I was very near to living for nothing more than the next drama episode, the next emotional black mail, the next insult, the next self abuse.

In some ways, I wonder for me, that just as some recovering alcoholics can never be alcohol ever again or risk being addicted again, I don't know if I as a recovering "non-BP" can continue to be near my wife and form a mutually rewarding relationship, as I'll always be wondering if I'll give in to the "addiction" of trying to rescue her, being used by her, being manipulated by her, re-engaged, or in some way succombing to additional abuse by her.

I may have to give her up completely in order to recover myself. 

I used to pride myself on the fact that I had no vices in life.  Yet, I chose the most sinister vice of all... .another person.

Sorry this is so long, I couldn't think of a way to describe it without giving the detail.  Even this doesn't really describe the feeling behind all of it.

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