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Author Topic: S & M  (Read 2588 times)
sosadandone
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« on: March 01, 2010, 05:32:01 PM »

My ex BPD BF engaged in S&M with him going to the dominatrix

I think this may have been a way for him to self harm or somehow shame himself

when he got caught he said: my whole life is one big masochism so why not go for it

anyone else have this

Im wondering if this is how male BPDs self harm
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atwittsend
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« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2010, 05:35:20 PM »

my thought is this would fall more under "sexually impulsive" then self harming.  what pleasure he derives from being dominated is anyone's guess.  if I had to guess id say its exhausting needing to be in control at all times.  he probably needs a break.  its like self medicating for drug users and alcoholics. 

just my opinion.   
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sosadandone
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« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2010, 05:39:36 PM »

drugs- check

alcohol- check

but S&M took it to new heights or lows (as the case may be)
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atwittsend
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« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2010, 05:47:25 PM »

but instead of getting f'd up its about relinquishing control.  to a BPD control is paramount.  he gets to walk in and surrender and walk out no questions asked.  no accountability. 

my girl actually likes being a prostitute.  sometimes.  as offensive as I find that process of having sex with a stranger for cash to her it wasnt about anything other then getting off.  literally and figuratively.  she likes the money.  she likes the control over men.  she likes having a monetary value and sense of worth.    it wasnt taboo... .or strange or negative.  she doesnt see things like that. 

again these are my opinions... .

you could very likely be right in thinking he does it as an extension of self harm. 
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« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2010, 06:08:29 PM »

According to Alice Miller:

"As the child grows up, he cannot cease living his own truth, and expressing it somewhere, perhaps in complete secrecy. In this way a person can have adapted completely to the demands of his surroundings and can have developed a false self, but in his perversion or his obsessional neurosis he still allows a portion of his true self to survive—in torment.

And so the true self lives on, under the same conditions as the child once did with his disgusted mother, whom in the meantime he has introjected. In his perversion and obsessions he constantly reenacts the same drama: a horrified mother is necessary before drive-satisfaction is possible: orgasm (for instance, with a fetish) can only be achieved in a climate of self-contempt; criticism can only be expressed in (seemingly) absurd, unaccountable (frightening), obsessional fantasies.

Nothing will serve better to acquaint us with the hidden tragedy of certain unconscious mother-child relationships than the analysis of a perversion or an obsessional neurosis. For in such an analysis we witness the destructive power of the compulsion to repeat, and that compulsion's dumb, unconscious communication in the shaping of its drama.

A person who suffers under his perversion bears within himself his mother's rejection, and thus he flaunts his per-version, in order to get others to reject him, too, all the time—so reexternalizing the rejecting mother.

For this reason he feels compelled to do things that his circle and society disapprove of and despise. If society were suddenly to honor his form of perversion (as may happen in certain circles), he would have to change his compulsion, but it would not free him.

What he needs is not permission to use one or another fetish, but the disgusted and horrified eyes of another human. If he comes to analysis he will look for this in his analyst, too, and will have to use all possible means to provoke him to disgust, horror, and aversion. This provocation is of course a part of the transference, and from the incipient counter-transference reactions one can surmise what happened at the beginning of his life.

If the analyst can see through to the goals and compulsions behind this provocation, then the whole decayed building collapses and gives way to true, deep, and defense-less mourning. When finally the narcissistic wound itself can be felt, there is no more necessity for all the distortions."

From the Book "The Drama of the Gifted Child." This book is available and can luckily be read on-line.

www.scribd.com/doc/2318932/The-Drama-of-the-Gifted-Child


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harmony1
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« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2010, 06:18:06 PM »

my uBPDh took a personality test... sadistic and masochistic showed up... .

never in the bedroom tho...

i think (my opinion) it fits a BPD... why?cause they seem to shoot themselves in the foot over and over... to feel something
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Koro
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« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2010, 06:24:21 PM »

Wow. Yesterday me and Dorian started opening this kind of stories up.  I feel bad about reading this.
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« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2010, 06:34:10 PM »

You're on the path to enlightenment. Understanding piece by piece of the puzzle is frustrating, I know- but eventually it will free you from sadness.
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Amdis
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« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2010, 06:57:13 PM »

Me and my BPDex engaged in S&M frequently. She was a switch as I was dom. We had a few sessions, such as candlewax, anal beads and erotic asphyxiation. But she left before things got really interesting. I know our sex was not normal though. I know I am not normal either, I am not sure who would be willing to go down on a girl while they were going to the bathroom while the other hand is on their throat.
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Beast98
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« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2010, 07:09:15 PM »

Wow amdis... .And I thought I was sexually liberated.

But I have to laugh at her leaving BEFORE things got really interesting. 
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holden_caulfield

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« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2010, 07:33:31 PM »

drugs- check

alcohol- check

but S&M took it to new heights or lows (as the case may be)

To me, this illustrates how well you did not know him.  Consider this... .If you do not really know a person, then there is no way to have a real relationship with them.  Real relationships (although hindsight in most cases because many of us ignore the red flags) have a foundation in trust and in authenticity... . that is to say that people who are in a healthy relationhship show the good and the bad and are self aware of their shortcomings; open, upfront and honest.  Maybe experimentation, but highly doubtful, IMHO.  Most people know who they ae at the core... .and have tendencies that manifest themselves throughout their lives, starting at an early age.  

my thought is this would fall more under "sexually impulsive" then self harming.  what pleasure he derives from being dominated is anyone's guess.  if I had to guess id say its exhausting needing to be in control at all times.  he probably needs a break.  its like self medicating for drug users and alcoholics.  

just my opinion.    

Atwittsend is spot on in his assessment about control... .although I would argue that "sexually impulsive" is not self-harming.  It is.

My two cents for what it is worth... .

HC
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sosadandone
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« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2010, 10:21:20 PM »

i think it was all- impulsivity, control, self harm

bet no one has a BPD who was into being dom

btw- sex was very normal between us but once i found out- i was aghast
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atwittsend
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« Reply #12 on: March 01, 2010, 10:52:53 PM »

although I would argue that "sexually impulsive" is not self-harming.  It is.

agreed brother.  interesting handle you have chosen
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« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2010, 03:58:28 AM »

The suffering or humiliation of oneself or one's partner is not sexual liberation; it is what is known as a paraphilia. Romanticism of this has nothing to do with reality. It is a deeply imprinted memory from a traumatic experience in early childhood.

These aren’t opportunities to spice up a love life- they are deep seated compulsions that attempt to fill up a wounded soul.

 

Some people choose to deny their own pain- they deplore weakness, yet seek it out in others.  Some people choose powerlessness with the “help” of another human being in much the same way they might take a drink to take the edge off. 

The conundrum with S/M is that the sado/maso parts are interchangeable- one doesn’t exist without the other. It’s a binary system.   Hence the conundrum: The Sadist needs a Masochist and the Masochist needs a Sadist. But really- they are one and the same- trying to silence the voices of internalized parental objects that form a cruel and punishing superego. There's nothing sexually liberating about it. It is a compulsion for a *feeling.*

And since another human being is needed- a great deal of time is spent looking for and appraising potential sexual partners (objects)according to how well they can fuel the fetish. The preference for a behavior or erotic fantasy in which lust is attached to fantasies that are socially forbidden, disapproved of, ridiculed, or penalized- isn't pretty, it isn't freeing to the Soul- it's the (self) defeat of intimacy and the reaction formations of some very hurt people.

If the Masochist gets a partner that “isn’t into it” then, doesn’t this relationship game go nowhere? And if the romantic partner makes a few attempts at delivering sadism to prove their love, doesn’t this erstwhile amateur sadist actually humiliate themselves and become their own masochist with a sadistic partner in the background?  See, it's a conundrum that confuses even the BDSM community. That's why things stay right on the surface there- because to dig any deeper would undermine the romanticism as well as the business aspect- and BDSM is a huge business- especially for the huge crop of amateur dominatrix that have popped up lately to benefit in an unregulated industry.

Sadomasochistic behavior can be diagnosed as a disorder if a person "has acted on these urges with a non-consenting person" or "the urges, sexual fantasies, or behaviors cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty."

"Interpersonal difficulty" is unlikely to bring most people into therapy because the practice of S/M is deeply ingrained in a false self.

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sosadandone
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« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2010, 06:12:26 AM »

"Interpersonal difficulty" is unlikely to bring most people into therapy because the practice of S/M is deeply ingrained in a false self.

what does the above mean, please explain
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Koro
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« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2010, 06:47:45 AM »

The suffering or humiliation of oneself or one's partner is not sexual liberation; it is what is known as a paraphilia.

Just to say, I don't agree with this statement; practicing S&M is not a paraphilia. I agree with the rest of your post, though.
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sosadandone
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« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2010, 09:23:35 PM »

somebody help me out here

I dont understand several of the posts

and wth is a paraphellia anyway- in plain language please
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Valentine09
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« Reply #17 on: March 04, 2010, 11:05:48 PM »

I wonder how many porn stars are BPD?  Or HPD? 
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TriedSoHard

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« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2010, 12:47:30 PM »

my uBPDexgf is the youngest of 4 sisters... .she's 29 now... .her oldest has a brain injury and lives with the parents (along with the uBPDexgf)... .the second oldest is a "dominatrix" in her spare time... .she blogs about it, about her polyamorous lifestlye, writes "erotic fiction" full of daddy-daughter stories, etc... .the third oldest married a Southern Baptist preacher... .this has left the ex torn between two worlds... .light vs. dark... .she wavers... .she wants to seek the bad, but her upbringing always plays into her seeking the good... .

This was a constant throughout our relationship... .one day, she's an angel, the next, she's the devil... .at times, she wanted rough sex, pain, etc., and then, at times, she seemed so in tune with the emotional aspect of it all... .I never knew what to expect... .

This, now looking back, was emotional abuse... .she kept me on my toes through this, even if she didn't see she was doing it... .and it worked... .because I was constantly trying to figure out what she wanted, what to offer... .and I lost myself in the process.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy rough sex, and I enjoy the sharing of control... .but with her, it was a constant upset. Never knowing what to expect, never knowing where either of us stood... .at times, it was amazing, at times, she shrugged it off... .glad to be done with the crazy making.
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