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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: 6+ months NC... I finally got a re-engagement  (Read 3364 times)
NewStart
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« on: March 04, 2010, 05:47:37 PM »

Nah, just kiddin'
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Healingheart.
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« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2010, 06:07:03 PM »

I don't know why but i found this extremely funny, thank you for the laugh.
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NewStart
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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2010, 06:08:16 PM »

I was lmao when I wrote it so glad I could provide a laugh for you too!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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KMTTP
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2010, 06:45:31 PM »

LMAOO!
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2010, 09:22:48 PM »

Not Funny... .I was thinking awesome, maybe I'll get a re-engagement from my ex.  I feel I need to contact her.  What's the worse that can happen.  I haven't slept for 2 months as it is.  I'm sending her an email tonight. 
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NewStart
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« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2010, 10:22:27 PM »

sdt - Sorry man, I feel your pain too... .guess maybe a some ways my post was a way to put a band-aid on that feeling that I just wish my BPDexgf would contact me... .

I get the same feeling too, some nights I just want to reach out... .but I won't... .

Her and I are done and I know that no matter what it would never work between us, to much trust lost too much weird weird water under the bridge... .

Be strong sdt


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Healingheart.
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« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2010, 11:03:28 PM »

I am sorry to hear that SDT when I first read this thread I thought, oh boy another lucky person who was re-engaged but what I got was a sense laughter when I say the  Nah just kidding. I was feeling weak but knowing that people can laugh even when feeling this low, made my day.
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2010, 11:10:36 PM »

I sent her an email.  I guess I gotta start my NC counter over again. 
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cali girl
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« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2010, 11:19:27 PM »

I can't wait to post 6 months NC  3
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atwittsend
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« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2010, 11:30:52 PM »

dude I was thinking what are the odds. 

Sdt... .its gonna be alright brother.  we falter.  even the strongest among us.  we are here for you
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NewStart
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« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2010, 11:35:39 PM »

sdt - I struggle with that feeling of wanting to reach out too... .so many things left unsaid... .

Don't know your story but maybe in some way reaching out will help you to answer some questions... .to gain some closure... .to help move forward.

Be strong and remember it's a slippery slope with BPD and it IS always at the core about them and never really about us... .
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atwittsend
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« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2010, 11:38:45 PM »

it IS always at the core about them and never really about us... .

it is imperative we keep this in mind at all times... .
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2010
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« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2010, 02:45:59 AM »

Here's the deal.   Any drug is harder to quit when the dealer keeps knocking at your door. 

For those of you that wish you had a re-engagement so you could prove to yourself or to your ex-partner how much you've changed or how far you've come- it aint gonna happen until you reach indifference. At indifference you really can walk away without re-hashing the relationship in a tedious blow by blow post-mortem.

In the long run, it is infinitely easier to let go of someone who lets go of you first.  The sadness is far more palatable than the stress of battle.
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2010, 03:26:55 AM »

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Newstart you are hilarious... .you crack me up... .you gave me a good laugh Smiling (click to insert in post)


I have to agree with 2010 though to all of you out there don't wish for a re-engagement!

Butterfly
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2010, 07:37:32 AM »

My email basically said hi and let her know that I know I've been replaced. 
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PDQuick
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« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2010, 07:53:21 AM »

SDT, what do you hope to accomplish by contacting her? Play it through your brain, what it is that you hope to happen?
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2010, 08:13:14 AM »

PDQuick,  Maybe small talk first. Just let her know the door is open.
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PDQuick
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« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2010, 08:15:44 AM »

Based on your experience with her, tell me what will happen.
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2010, 08:45:43 AM »

PDQuick,  When she left and didn't want to discuss it, she did mention a couple things that gave me hope, like she was reaching out.  She told me she didn't want to find herself with a married man still a year from now.  I told her I understood.  She asked me if I had a lawyer and I said no. I think she wanted to stay with me. She just needed something to hold onto.  The last time I saw her she said "give me a call when you get your life straightened out".  I think she may be dealing with something similar to me.  I'm dealing with someone with BPD. She is dealing with someone who is married and was not persuing his divorce as promised.  I'm sure the advice she got was to just break it off with NC.  That's could be why we couldn't talk and why she couldn't  be home when I picked up my stuff, so she didn't change her mind.  I've looked at websites relating to dating married men.  And they say "get out now" NC.  Just like the BPD websites.  I have contacted a lawyer and I hoping to get divorced quickly.  I'm feeling incredible guilty.  I want to do my part.
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PDQuick
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« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2010, 08:51:09 AM »

Im glad to see that you are taking your rightful responsibility in this. It would be helpful to your situation, if you were free from your past, and poised to accept your future. Things like that are a speed bumps in relationships, and keep them from gaining their full momentum, and navigating the roadways with safety and security. Sounds to me like the best thing you can do is to accept her reservations, and prepare yourself to be able to have what it is you want. Things may be different if you were ready, but that is something you will never know until you are.
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NewStart
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« Reply #20 on: March 05, 2010, 09:31:49 AM »

sdt - Ummmm... .she was involved with you and you were married... .she's currently involved with someone who is married... .I hate to break it to you but this shows a complete lack of boundaries, the things that get us into trouble with BPDs in the first place.

If your ex is truly BPD and you are honest with yourself you know deep down that she will only reach back to you to satisfy some need of her own... .just be careful, we all deep down want to get back to that honeymoon phase, to be back on that pedestal... .to feel what we once felt... .but be honest with yourself and imagine what the pain would feel like a second time around.

We were all weak and somehow open to the BPDs inexcusable treatment... .so ask yourself how strong are you in your current state?

What if she puts you back on that pedestal, what if you feel that rush again... .will you ever TRULY trust it?

Be strong and more importantly be careful with yourself sdt

NS-

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atwittsend
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« Reply #21 on: March 05, 2010, 09:52:36 AM »

What if she puts you back on that pedestal, what if you feel that rush again... .will you ever TRULY trust it?

lets explore this further... .

so... .we know what we know.  cant fix em/cant trust them... .where is the disconnect between our rational minds and our emotional hearts?  why are we susceptible to their manipulations when we understand their motives? 
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NewStart
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« Reply #22 on: March 05, 2010, 11:04:19 AM »

awe - Great question... .I think many of us are susceptible to their manipulations because we can't understand that there are people like this out there... .as REASONABLE human beings we believe in our souls that we have the cognitive ability to reach out and reason with others... .especially someone who we feel SO connected to and to someone that APPEARED to be SO connected with us... .to let them know our true feeling... .actually GET THROUGH to them and let them know that we are there for them, that we care, that we support... .etc etc etc.  We have no gauge... .no possible understanding... .no defense mechanism from someone who has no ability to feel remorse or to reason as a normal human being... .

When I think back to my relationship I can remember how extremely foreign and frustrating it was that I could not get through at times... .that no matter what I said or did if my BPDexgf had it in her mind I had done something bad... .well I was going to be punished, or hurt or whatever.  It was so incredibly unhealthy... .

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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #23 on: March 05, 2010, 11:07:13 AM »

NewStart, The new guy she is dating is not married.  As for me, my wife left me for another man 8 years ago and she's with a different guy now.
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JimInSLC
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« Reply #24 on: March 05, 2010, 11:13:53 AM »

What if she puts you back on that pedestal, what if you feel that rush again... .will you ever TRULY trust it?

lets explore this further... .

so... .we know what we know.  cant fix em/cant trust them... .where is the disconnect between our rational minds and our emotional hearts?  why are we susceptible to their manipulations when we understand their motives? 

2.5 years ago, my therapist told me something that scared the crap out of me.  She said that people tend to end up in LONG TERM relationships with people on their same emotional level or emotional "plane." 

BPDs are on latitude X, (Ladder Rung "C", or whatever metaphor you want to use), and we aren't that far above/below them.  Our issues are different (codependency, people pleasing, fixer mentality, whatever), but the disconnect is just that.  WE let our emotions, hopes, fears, thoughts, and feelings outweigh our cognitive reasoning.

I suspect each of us noticed something at some point (month three, week 6 in my case) that would have sent "even keeled" folks a'runnin for the hills.  My soon to be GF/Fiance/Wife/Ex-wife cheated, and she used it to gauge her level of control over me.  She tested me, early on.  The hook was set.
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NewStart
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« Reply #25 on: March 05, 2010, 11:16:54 AM »

sdt - Sorry for the confusion... .guess I'm just hoping you think it through completely as if she is truly BPD it will never be about the TWO of you in a healthy partnership... .it will always be about HER insatiable void and as a result whomever she is with will suffer... .

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atwittsend
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« Reply #26 on: March 05, 2010, 11:22:09 AM »

I like where both of you took this conversation new start and mountains... .

and mountains... .that was my experience also... .six weeks.  to determine how enmeshed I was already. 
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NewStart
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« Reply #27 on: March 05, 2010, 11:47:59 AM »

mountains - Mine was 4 months in and it was a complete and total meltdown because after 4 months of spending EVERY single minute together I told her I was going to go skiing by myself... .wow, her head spun like the exorcist and she 'indirectly' threatened me with punishment for the first time too I think?  She told me that if I went she was getting a baby sitter for her daughter and would 'go to the bar and find someone who would do something with her!'  Well the hook was set... .I consoled her as she lay in a ball crying on her bed... .I cancelled my plans... .and she get the sitter anyway so 'we' could spend the day together... .

That was the starting point and then it just went downhill from there... .test after test after test.  It is completely amazing to me when I look back and the boundaries just stretched to unimaginable levels to the point that frankly she made me into a COMPLETELY pathetic wreck... .

In retrospect that process they use to break us down to nothing is probably what made it easier for them to justify leaving in the end... .

Maybe that power also helps feed the NPD in them too?  Just a thought... .
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« Reply #28 on: March 05, 2010, 11:55:20 AM »

mountains - Mine was 4 months in and it was a complete and total meltdown because after 4 months of spending EVERY single minute together I told her I was going to go skiing by myself... .wow, her head spun like the exorcist and she 'indirectly' threatened me with punishment for the first time too I think?  She told me that if I went she was getting a baby sitter for her daughter and would 'go to the bar and find someone who would do something with her!'  Well the hook was set... .I consoled her as she lay in a ball crying on her bed... .I cancelled my plans... .and she get the sitter anyway so 'we' could spend the day together... .

That was the starting point and then it just went downhill from there... .test after test after test.  It is completely amazing to me when I look back and the boundaries just stretched to unimaginable levels to the point that frankly she made me into a COMPLETELY pathetic wreck... .

In retrospect that process they use to break us down to nothing is probably what made it easier for them to justify leaving in the end... .

Maybe that power also helps feed the NPD in them too?  Just a thought... .

Isn't it amazing how we can look back on these experiences with our new-found perspectives and see them for what they are?  I can’t count how many similar stories are taking up valuable real estate in my mental repertoire.  I am sure I am not unlike most people here in that respect.
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« Reply #29 on: March 05, 2010, 11:56:55 AM »

mountains your avatar is making me thirsty
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