Parentified, Spousified, Infantilized?

[newfreedom]

Were you any of these?  Parentified, Spousified, Infantilized

I am trying to sort it all out with all the new awareness I have acquired here.   

I was the youngest of six, the baby, the mascot, my role was to delight everyone. 

Mother and older siblings did everything for me.   I was infantilized.   I was  bathed, had my hair washed until I was about 12 years old.    If I sneezed, it was a big deal.   All of the older siblings cleaned house, did all the chores.   Nothing was expected or allowed of me.   My bread was buttered,  I was rewarded for having lots of needs.     Mother and siblings fed off of my needs.   I was sick a lot, at the doctors frequently.   I got a lot of attention when I was needy or sick.    I always felt guilty about not pitching in the way my older sisters did.    But I was not allowed to, it was an unspoken rule, really.    I was always taking, receiving help with something.    I was always self sufficient though as an adult, went to college, always worked hard, owned my own home, paid my own bills, never got in any kind of trouble, never had to be bailed out of anything..    The dramas that I created in the foo always had to do with my being with some guy that mother disapproved of.    I was always on the receiving end of negative attention. 

When I started school I began to feel some self esteem, some personal power because I excelled.    Teachers and peers saw me as competent, smart, and creative.   I really don’t know what motivated me to do well there.   Any feeling of self worth that I ever had was earned outside of foo.    No one took me seriously at home.  They told me that I was a spoiled brat and would never have friends.   Well, to my surprise I made a lot of good friends.   At home, my physical attributes were always praised,  they would praise my hair, tell me I was pretty a lot.   My role was to be pretty, have needs that others fed off of, and stay home with mother.    FOREVER.     When I reached puberty, mother went from infanilizing me to spousifying me.    I was never parentified,  my older sisters had that role.   But the energy between us felt like she had made me her spouse.   When I developed my first love interest, she was crazy jealous and stayed that way until the day she died.    In each relationship, (many boyfriends, two husbands), I felt like I was cheating on mother.   Sisters also made me feel guilty for being with anyone but her.      It is difficult for me to write that I think she was sexually turned on by me.   She slept with me up until the time I was 28, when I got married.   (Three of those years I lived on my own but returned when she tried to kill me).  I was always made to feel like an attention getting pain in the ass.   And made to feel guilty for getting the scraps of the sick attention I got.   

I think this post is all over the place but it is helping me to sort it out.    I always felt guilty for being infantilized, spousified instead of parentified.     She called on my sisters to be there for her emotionally, to listen to her hit_ about F, brother, or me.   They were parentified.     I was never expected to listen and exert power over others to do what she wanted.    Although for the last ten years of her life, I did all of her bills, paperwork.     

I always felt guilty that I wasn’t mature enough to be parentified…..    That doesn’t make sense, but I need to get it out.   

Would be interested to hear of your experiences with these roles.   

[livingw/ochaos]

I just wanted to let you know that I see many similarities in your story to one of my SILs.  This SIL was the 6th child and first daughter of BPD/NPD MIL and NPD FIL.  She seemed to be born into the role of "darling, spoiled brat".  MIL completely overtook her (even managing to put an end to her very, very short lived (6 month) marriage).

Interestly, a second daughter (the 7th and last child) born 2 years after SIL #1 was not cast into any obvious roles.  

To me it absolutely smacks of MIL needing a "heir and a spare".

I feel for you.  I really do.  You were treated very unfairly.  It sounds like you have (understandably) complex emotions about your role.  Of course you would.  Anyone in your situation would.

((hugs))

[BMama]

Yep.

Interesting you started this thread.  I did a double take.  I mentioned on my Reacting vs. Responding thread that my T gave me this as an assignment for the week between appointments.

Staying my own adult woman, wife, mother...when dealing with my mother instead of allowing her to push me around between being her parent, being her child (as in not adult, grown, or capable of my own thoughts, feelings, opinions), and being her "friend" in that she shares way too much personal crap with me.

I am the role that suits her at the moment, instead of staying true to myself.  The confusion is, who IS myself?

[Cordelia]

I was definitely parentified.  My mom was extremely permissive and irresponsible, so I basically did whatever I wanted to and made all the decisions for myself.  She would have temper tantrums and I would yell at her to stop it.  I would tell her what to do - with very mixed success, naturally.  To this day, she acts like my child, telling me of some little triumph (she managed to send out a job application, for example) and asking me if I'm proud of her.  She would also "rebel" against my "decisions" when I was a child, losing her temper with me and telling me I was mean, terrible, tyrannical, etc.  There was a total reversal of the normal order of things.  I had no respect for her, naturally, and a lot of resentment and anger.  Still do. 

My dad thinks I was spousified after my mom ditched us, that he turned to me to help run the family.  I don't really remember it like that, I think I was trying to just survive on my own during that time, which was very difficult, as my dad became very distant and retreated into alcoholism when my mom left, basically leaving me and my sister to finish high school by ourselves.  I couldn't wait to leave - I was counting the minutes.  I tried really hard to get attention from dad, which I did primarily through starting fights.  It was a rough time.  But I don't really think it was being spousified, and in any case it would have been nondad rather than uBPDmom as the pseudo-spouse. 

Was never really infantilized, although many people speak about the experience of being in grad school as a kind of infantilization, since grad students are often treated much like undergrads, given extensions if their boyfriend breaks up with them and so on, despite being at an age when most people are working in jobs where they are held responsible for getting results regardless of their personal troubles.  I liked the freedom of it...maybe it gave me space to experience young adulthood a bit longer. 

[CrazyNoMore]

I'm not sure.  Is there such a thing as "Staff-ified?"   ?

Because I never really felt like I ever really a part of my FOO.  My worth was based on my "usefulness".  "Make yourself useful!" was the refrain of my childhood. 

I wasn't parentified -- Mother wasn't about to have anyone "over" her.

I wasn't spousified -- Relationship-wise, I don't think she wanted much from me.

I was probably infantilized more than anything -- constantly being told I couldn't take care of myself.  (Having a chronic health condition didnt' help.)  I wasn't allowed to apply to any colleges which would require me to live on campus.  Thank God I lived in a major East Coast city with plenty of choices!  I was NOT TO LEAVE. 

This is what confused me the most -- she didn't really WANT me around much, but she couldn't STAND the thought of me not being at her beck and call.  Which is why I came up with "Staff-ified".  As if I were her butler or lady's maid.  Be available at all times, jump when I call, but don't expect any kind of actual relationship.

Still need to think about this...

[newfreedom]

I just wanted to let you know that I see many similarities in your story to one of my SILs.  This SIL was the 6th child and first daughter of BPD/NPD MIL and NPD FIL.  She seemed to be born into the role of "darling, spoiled brat".  MIL completely overtook her (even managing to put an end to her very, very short lived (6 month) marriage).

Interestly, a second daughter (the 7th and last child) born 2 years after SIL #1 was not cast into any obvious roles.  

To me it absolutely smacks of MIL needing a "heir and a spare".

I feel for you.  I really do.  You were treated very unfairly.  It sounds like you have (understandably) complex emotions about your role.  Of course you would.  Anyone in your situation would.

((hugs))

Dear Living,

Thank you so much for your post.    Just hearing that there are others who went through what I went through is more helpful than I can say.    I guess it helps me to know that I wasn’t the one to blame.    My first marriage  was a train wreck.    Mother used the sister who was totally ignored as the puppet to get me to leave him.   I did just that after three weeks!    This sister incidently was married to someone that mother told her would have married ME if he had met me first!      And I returned to mother’s home and lived there with her until I re-united with hubby almost a year later.    I was 28 years old at the time.   I planned my escape for a day when I knew she would be out for an extended period of time.    She had gone to a wedding shower.     So H came with friends who moved my bedroom furniture and clothing out while she was gone.    I can still feel the terror I felt as we were loading the truck.    During the months that I was living there with the mother, I went to work everyday.     She would pack a lunch for me, have dinner ready when I came home.     All my favorite food.    She purred like a kitten and eagerly anticipated my every need.      She acted like a servant.   Even gave me foot massages.

As I write this, it is clear how spousified I was.    She was like the wife who eagerly waited for me to arrive home each day..

Luckily by this time she and endad had moved to a house with three bedrooms, she would not sleep with endad, but at least I had my own bedroom and wasn’t expected to share my bed with her.   Sister number two was the influencing factor behind her buying a house with three bedrooms.    She told her that she was certain that I would come back to her if I could have my own bedroom.    Yes, it was like I was her spouse, not her daughter.   The only thing that was missing was actual sexual, physical contact.   She may have been getting off on the foot massages.     To me, those were the tenderest of times.  She was so sweet and kind when she did that.    I would put my foot up on her lap while sitting in the kitchen, just her and me.     I always felt anxious around her, on guard, but in those moments, she would become a different person.    I think the physical touch with me calmed her down.     All of the siblings colluded in making me queen of the family, also colluded in breaking up my first marriage and  a few other serious relationships,  but were at the same time insanely jealous and resentful of mother’s attention to me.   

Complex emotions as you state above is an understatement.   It felt so validating to read your words though.    Even on this board I don’t read much about others in my role so I feel different here too.    How I wish I had had clear cut abuse, been ignored, kicked, no attention, (with all due respect to those of you who had to endure that brand of abuse).    I sometimes feel like, what am I complaining about?   I had all that love, attention, and was given so much importance.

I even had a therapist tell me that one time.     

[newfreedom]

I am the role that suits her at the moment, instead of staying true to myself.  The confusion is, who IS myself?

BMama, thanks so much for your words.   It helps so much to hear that I 'm not alone.

This journey to "who IS myself?" is definitely "the road less traveled" , isn't it?                I sometimes wonder why I didn't keep drinking (been sober for over 18 years), numb out,  and forget the whole thing.   It has been so hard, long, and lonely at times.   Just knowing there are others trudging along with me keeps me doing it one day at a time.    There is no turning back now.

I often think of my five siblings and what their lives must be like.   They are all near or over 70 years old, alcoholic and/or presciption drug addicted.    Seeing them like that is a grim reminder of the alternative to the path I have chosen.    The sad thing is that EVERY

one of my nieces and nephews, so far, are headed there too.

I so much admire your courage.   Every time you stand up to her, you are claiming another piece of yourself, even if it doesn't feel like it.   

[newfreedom]

I was definitely parentified.  My mom was extremely permissive and irresponsible, so I basically did whatever I wanted to and made all the decisions for myself.  She would have temper tantrums and I would yell at her to stop it.  I would tell her what to do - with very mixed success, naturally.  To this day, she acts like my child, telling me of some little triumph (she managed to send out a job application, for example) and asking me if I'm proud of her.  She would also "rebel" against my "decisions" when I was a child, losing her temper with me and telling me I was mean, terrible, tyrannical, etc.  There was a total reversal of the normal order of things.  I had no respect for her, naturally, and a lot of resentment and anger.  Still do. 

My dad thinks I was spousified after my mom ditched us, that he turned to me to help run the family.  I don't really remember it like that, I think I was trying to just survive on my own during that time, which was very difficult, as my dad became very distant and retreated into alcoholism when my mom left, basically leaving me and my sister to finish high school by ourselves.  I couldn't wait to leave - I was counting the minutes.  I tried really hard to get attention from dad, which I did primarily through starting fights.  It was a rough time.  But I don't really think it was being spousified, and in any case it would have been nondad rather than uBPDmom as the pseudo-spouse. 

Salome,

Thank you so much for sharing your history.     How hard for a little girl to not only not have a mommy but also have to BE mommy...grrrrrrrrrr.   

It sounds like you dad has tried to make amends to you?   That's validating.   Or was it too little too late?

[newfreedom]

I'm not sure.  Is there such a thing as "Staff-ified?"   ?

Because I never really felt like I ever really a part of my FOO.  My worth was based on my "usefulness".  "Make yourself useful!" was the refrain of my childhood. 

I was probably infantilized more than anything -- constantly being told I couldn't take care of myself.  (Having a chronic health condition didnt' help.)  I wasn't allowed to apply to any colleges which would require me to live on campus.  Thank God I lived in a major East Coast city with plenty of choices!  I was NOT TO LEAVE. 

This is what confused me the most -- she didn't really WANT me around much, but she couldn't STAND the thought of me not being at her beck and call.  Which is why I came up with "Staff-ified".  As if I were her butler or lady's maid.  Be available at all times, jump when I call, but don't expect any kind of actual relationship.

Dear Crazynomore,

Thanks so much for your post.   That sounds so painful.    It reminds me of the role of one of my sisters, who was "the lost child" in our foo.    I'm not sure if that fits you, but it sounds like it could.    I like your term "staff-ified", who knows maybe you have just coined a new term?

[BMama]

NF,

Congratulations on your sobriety. 

And for the courage to see that you can come out on the other side in positive ways.

[random]

Healinghome, I've been all three when I was a child - mom would rotate between these roles based on what she needed at the moment.

Somehow, being infantilized sickens me the most, even more than being spousified! Being a "friend/spouse" or a parent allowed me to exercise some competence, whereas being a child has this built-in humiliation and debility that makes me want to puke. I so feel for you that on one hand it looked like love and care, and on the other they made you play such a sick role.

In the last 3 years that I was re-enmeshed with mother, I was pretty much infantilized full-time. It's worth noting that infantilizing is considered a form of emotional abuse.

It has been so hard, long, and lonely at times.   Just knowing there are others trudging along with me keeps me doing it one day at a time.    There is no turning back now.

Same here! It's so comforting to know that others are in the same boat.  x

I'm not sure.  Is there such a thing as "Staff-ified?"   huh

Because I never really felt like I ever really a part of my FOO.  My worth was based on my "usefulness".  "Make yourself useful!" was the refrain of my childhood.

Sounds like being parentified to me - a full-time caretaker/servant is a kind of parent role.

[BMama]

Somehow, being infantilized sickens me the most, even more than being spousified! Being a "friend/spouse" or a parent allowed me to exercise some competence, whereas being a child has this built-in humiliation and debility that makes me want to puke.

I agree.  I go from smart, knowledgeable, trustworthy, and relied upon to dumb as a doornail in one foul swoop.  Like 30 years of my life, gone in 60 seconds!  

I worked on this last night.  I rarely had any time where I felt equal to my parents in that I am my own adult.  Usually those "equal" moments were more best friend or spous-ish...and teetered on the brink at any time between parent and child roles.  I made three columns, and had one heck of a time coming up with anything that went strictly in the middle.

The best way to be "there" was to be indifferent to whatever was being discussed or whatever the issue was.  As long as it didn't affect me directly now or in the future, the only way to stay where I belong was to stay neutral.  I'm not sure that was really being "real" though, because there are a lot of times I had thoughts and opinions, but I squashed them if I thought they woulnd't really be helpful to the current situation.

[random]

The best way to be "there" was to be indifferent to whatever was being discussed or whatever the issue was.

During the infantilized phase, totally! God forbid anyone other than mother has a take on something or is expert on something.

During the parentified phase, though, mother the authority would magically disappear and I'd be advising her on how to handle office politics at a regional radio station, with me being 10 at the time.

[Cordelia]

It sounds like you dad has tried to make amends to you?   That's validating. 

He did...he and I were always close, as that's how mom drew the battle lines in our family - me and dad against her and sister.  It has been extremely validating that both he and sister are still wrestling with the legacy of our involvement with mom, just like me...sometimes I don't agree with their particular conclusions and sometimes they are less than considerate when we talk about these things...but at least we all agree that it was a difficult experience that left us with mixed feelings of anger, guilt, and shame. 

Thank you for this thread and for talking about your experience...it helps me understand better how things were for my sister.  I always had the sense that it wasn't such a great benefit being mom's favorite, but your insights really help me see how it worked. 

   and     on all the self-knowledge you have achieved. 

[newfreedom]

Somehow, being infantilized sickens me the most, even more than being spousified! Being a "friend/spouse" or a parent allowed me to exercise some competence, whereas being a child has this built-in humiliation and debility that makes me want to puke. I so feel for you that on one hand it looked like love and care, and on the other they made you play such a sick role.

In the last 3 years that I was re-enmeshed with mother, I was pretty much infantilized full-time. It's worth noting that infantilizing is considered a form of emotional abuse.

Dear Random,

Thanks so much for the validation...it was beyond humiliation.   I have a blurred memory of her bathing me in front of a roomful of people when I was around 7 or 8.  We had a basement where we lived for the most part.     There was a large kitchen sink there.   She would put me in it in no matter who was there and bath me for everyone to

observe.   We always had a house full because of older siblings and their friends and also cousins who came to visit.     It felt like I had no right to my body.   It was all hers.            

[BMama]

NF, that's awful.  I can imagine the shame and humiliation.  No wonder you have blocked it.  Hugs to you for working through these horrible things.

x

I always had the sense that it wasn't such a great benefit being mom's favorite...

No, I'm here to tell you it is not.  I'm the favorite golden child when I'm doing the bidding...either telling her what she wants to hear, or being the quiet respectful child, or giving her advice to help her out of her problems (still when it is what she wants to hear).

Fear being put ON a pedestal, because they are the first to knock it down with you sitting up so high...and it really, really hurts.

Random, you are right...that silencing myself...that's being a baby...having no words like an infant.  I couldn't figure out where to put it.  That's what I said, on first glance, some things seemed "equal" but then when I think about it...not so.