As an afterthought on "nice guys", from the very quotable - tho sometimes annoyingly over-the-top - site,
Heartless hit_es International:
In the book "The Gift of Fear," Gavin DeBecker defines "niceness" as a "strategy of social interaction" and not evidence of innate goodness. So what he is saying is that being "nice" merely means your behavior is not offensive
but does not mean your motives are automatically pure or good. Being a "nice guy" has been discussed
elsewhere so there is no need to go into great detail here, but the bottom line is that trying to "be nice" or to use one’s social charm to achieve one’s social or sexual objectives is just as manipulative as anything else. The details are different, but what is at the core is the same.
Interesting site!
I found this especially insightful (or maybe hitting too close to home
):
The Man With No Spine - A parable for "Nice Guys"I have to admit this triggered some emotion in me. I can take it for its intended humor but I was pretty consistently demonized for being "nice" by my ex. In one of her depressive episodes she looked at me with a look of utter disgust and hatred and said "how can you be so... .GOOD". It was as if I was the scum of the earth. And she said to others "he's nice & he treats me good but nice is so pedestrian and it means nothing". It was as if she hated me for that very thing. It gets pretty tiresome being reprimanded for noticing the good side of a person. When someone snaps at you for saying "he seems like a good guy to me" with a "WHY CANT YOU JUST TAKE MY SIDE?" retort it pretty much sucks. I, for one, found it a losing proposition. If I was nice I was demonized. If I was forceful I was "being an ___hole." When I tried to be supportive of her idiotic move to drop her meds I was wrong. When I told her it was making her worse and was affecting MY life I was belittled and ridiculed to her "friends" for not being considerate of her "medication problems".
While I agree there's a line where it becomes unhealthy theres a difference between being nice and being a pus. Or between being nice and pretending to be nice to take advantage of someone. Being nice means not belittling people for their shortcomings, not taking advantage of people for their kindness. To me it means treating people with kindness and respect. And everyone deserves that until they prove otherwise. Packing all of her belongings after I kicked her out is probably viewed by some too nice. But had I not done that the separation would have dragged on for weeks and months. A visit once a week to pick up 2 shirts and some meaningless knicknacks wasnt getting the move done.
hmmm. guess there are some things I havent quite come to closure on yet.
