I wonder if these dissociative memories eventually return to consciousness for them.
The dissociative state is their way of putting themselves on autopilot. Think of it like driving a car. In a dissociative state they aren't really at the controls and driving- they cant ever recall what the highway conditions are like or even pay attention to stop signs or green lights... . Most of us dissociate to a small extent when we drive on the freeway and move along with the rest of traffic- sort of driving and dissociating from the driving at the same time by thinking about groceries or chores, etc. Now think about doing this and driving in side streets, stop and go, intersections, look left, look right- now dissociate yet hold a meaningful conversation. See how hard that is? That's what a BPD is experiencing and it aint easy for them. It's easier to just shut down.
(Shutting down like a sleepwalking zombie prevents stress) They will not remember a word you said.
When this dissociative state is applied to relationships, it is a useful tool to defend against what they perceive to be attacks.
You can point it out to them that you aren't attacking- you're just having a discussion. After all, that's what normal people do when they problem solve- but the defense mechanism is so deeply embedded in them that its like "dry drunk syndrome," a condition of behavior that drunks still perform even if they haven't had a drink. As they say in AA : you can take the rum out of a fruit cake, but you've still got a fruit cake... .
I keep having to tell myself that this is a disorder. The disease it creates occurs in otherwise healthy people who try to help. And any progress made to a recovery needs to be seen in both people's actions, over a period of time- and that means remembering what we say to each other. If one person cant recall and the other knows word for word- then it's time to walk away from each other, because there's no sense in having conversations with the Walls.
