Hello everyone I need advice please its a long post

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok lets start with I fell in love with a lady I have known for over 20 years well turns out she had BPD and bad real bad way incredibly bad.

Lets start off she found me on face book we talked a couple times online everything cool normal then we talked on the phone and that's when it happened I got hooked on her wow like a drug.

OK so I end up telling her I like her and she dove into a massive love state and fast it was wild but I figured heck she is nice smart and loving why not.

ok so we talk online for a few months and then we finally moved in together no dates nothing I know bad move.

Yes and many many lies from her actually non stop lying its amazing how her little brain creates so many stories at age 33.

OK well at first everything was great wow I am in love life is great she is catering to me left and right and I am catering to her always. and then after a few weeks she started with trying to keep me from doing anything except be with her always I mean I couldn't work nothing !

OK so during the day her day went like this she gets up around 1pm and then does some massive cleaning fast makes me lunch locks her self onto her pc and then around 10 pm or 11 pm she decides its time for dinner. with all her rules always.

so after dinner she gets back online and still like the rest of the day basically talking to me every now and then but just for attention no real conversation just hold me kiss me tell me something nice. No problem but every 5 minutes even when I am with a client hard to do sometimes you know.

Ok well from there I started noting many things she told me in the past were lies. Huge lies and I started confronting her of why and thats when the nasty violent screaming from her came out and then she started belittling me and telling me I am no good and the worst man and all that stuff.

one day the arguing was so bad that she called someone on the phone she wouldn't tell me and started telling them I was the devil and she made a mistake and i was holding her hostage now. Ok turns out it was her x husband I found out from my phone records. Ok so now she tells me that the next day we have to load all her stuff out of the house and take it to a storage because a dear friend is coming 900 miles to get her and take her back to her house where she moved to me from. well the next day we get everything out and when it came time to take her to the hotel she said they are not coming here to get me. I am like what ! ok all day long she was on the phone talking to this person who was supposedly already here well it was a lie.

so now she says we will wait a few days and see if we can fix us and i said ok why not and if we can we bring her stuff back . well wrong everything got real real bad now.

our days started off with me doing my things all day and she did hers and at around 3 am she loves me and wants to make love and hold me and kiss me and be like everything is grand.

well we load her stuff in my truck and trailer drive 900 miles and when we get there she says I love you and I don't wanna stay. so we goto a hotel and talk and we went to dinner and wow it was like the trip bonded us together damn was i wrong at 4 am she wakes me up yelling that i am trying to freeze her out of the room and abandoning her and i am scum

so i try to talk to her and tell her the heat is all the way on high and i love her with all my heart. well we get back to sleep wake up around 10 am and now she wants to stay there and unload her stuff and move3 back into her x's house. so i said what ever do as you wish. so now as I am leaving the further i get the sadder i got. well I stop call the hotel and we talk and she says why dont we do this come back in  a week and get me and we will start over.

well during the week she has now shunned me as the devil bad mouthed me to everyone and blocks me from everything and wont take my calls nothing. so thats when i started researching what the heck is wrong with this lady and well I figured it out she is BPD .

Oh I forgot to mention she has 2 psychologist and she hates them both and loves them both and calls them day and night all the time and chats online with them for hours and they are just grand buddies. 1 is a ladie and the other is a man

ok so now about 2 weeks after she is ignoring me she decides to start emailing me she loves me and misses me and the whole 9 yards.

ok so now she says come back and get me so I said ok I will leave tomorrow and you will confirm in the morning before i go that your sure of returning. well I could see her online but she wouldnt answer any of my messages so I call her sister and her sister says she is scared of you and doenst want you ! I am like what ok so after a few she writes to me everything is fine come on over get me and i say but what is this your sister says and then she starts with the dont come i hate you and your bad and all thats stuff.

ok so another 3 weeks go by and now this moment she is writing and trying to get me to chat with her dr's and all that stuff and frankly I think it is her with 2 msn accounts acting like she is a dr also.

ok so now I am seeing a psychologist and going to therapy. but what sucks is like she is a drug that I need.

WHAT CAN I DO ! HELP ME PLEASE !

I read I hate you don't leave me and it was like i read a book on the few months I was with her.

[bpdgotmegood]

Ok lets start with I fell in love with a lady I have known for over 20 years well turns out she had BPD and bad real bad way incredibly bad.

Lets start off she found me on face book we talked a couple times online everything cool normal then we talked on the phone and that's when it happened I got hooked on her wow like a drug.

OK so I end up telling her I like her and she dove into a massive love state and fast it was wild but I figured heck she is nice smart and loving why not.

ok so we talk online for a few months and then we finally moved in together no dates nothing I know bad move.

Yes and many many lies from her actually non stop lying its amazing how her little brain creates so many stories at age 33.

OK well at first everything was great wow I am in love life is great she is catering to me left and right and I am catering to her always. and then after a few weeks she started with trying to keep me from doing anything except be with her always I mean I couldn't work nothing !

OK so during the day her day went like this she gets up around 1pm and then does some massive cleaning fast makes me lunch locks her self onto her pc and then around 10 pm or 11 pm she decides its time for dinner. with all her rules always.

so after dinner she gets back online and still like the rest of the day basically talking to me every now and then but just for attention no real conversation just hold me kiss me tell me something nice. No problem but every 5 minutes even when I am with a client hard to do sometimes you know.

Ok well from there I started noting many things she told me in the past were lies. Huge lies and I started confronting her of why and thats when the nasty violent screaming from her came out and then she started belittling me and telling me I am no good and the worst man and all that stuff.

one day the arguing was so bad that she called someone on the phone she wouldn't tell me and started telling them I was the devil and she made a mistake and i was holding her hostage now. Ok turns out it was her x husband I found out from my phone records. Ok so now she tells me that the next day we have to load all her stuff out of the house and take it to a storage because a dear friend is coming 900 miles to get her and take her back to her house where she moved to me from. well the next day we get everything out and when it came time to take her to the hotel she said they are not coming here to get me. I am like what ! ok all day long she was on the phone talking to this person who was supposedly already here well it was a lie.

so now she says we will wait a few days and see if we can fix us and i said ok why not and if we can we bring her stuff back . well wrong everything got real real bad now.

our days started off with me doing my things all day and she did hers and at around 3 am she loves me and wants to make love and hold me and kiss me and be like everything is grand.

well we load her stuff in my truck and trailer drive 900 miles and when we get there she says I love you and I don't wanna stay. so we goto a hotel and talk and we went to dinner and wow it was like the trip bonded us together damn was i wrong at 4 am she wakes me up yelling that i am trying to freeze her out of the room and abandoning her and i am scum

so i try to talk to her and tell her the heat is all the way on high and i love her with all my heart. well we get back to sleep wake up around 10 am and now she wants to stay there and unload her stuff and move3 back into her x's house. so i said what ever do as you wish. so now as I am leaving the further i get the sadder i got. well I stop call the hotel and we talk and she says why dont we do this come back in  a week and get me and we will start over.

well during the week she has now shunned me as the devil bad mouthed me to everyone and blocks me from everything and wont take my calls nothing. so thats when i started researching what the heck is wrong with this lady and well I figured it out she is BPD .

Oh I forgot to mention she has 2 psychologist and she hates them both and loves them both and calls them day and night all the time and chats online with them for hours and they are just grand buddies. 1 is a ladie and the other is a man

ok so now about 2 weeks after she is ignoring me she decides to start emailing me she loves me and misses me and the whole 9 yards.

ok so now she says come back and get me so I said ok I will leave tomorrow and you will confirm in the morning before i go that your sure of returning. well I could see her online but she wouldnt answer any of my messages so I call her sister and her sister says she is scared of you and doenst want you ! I am like what ok so after a few she writes to me everything is fine come on over get me and i say but what is this your sister says and then she starts with the dont come i hate you and your bad and all thats stuff.

ok so another 3 weeks go by and now this moment she is writing and trying to get me to chat with her dr's and all that stuff and frankly I think it is her with 2 msn accounts acting like she is a dr also.

ok so now I am seeing a psychologist and going to therapy. but what sucks is like she is a drug that I need.

WHAT CAN I DO ! HELP ME PLEASE !

I read I hate you don't leave me and it was like i read a book on the few months I was with her.

[eeyore]

 

Does she see the two Psychologists as a patient or is she a friend to two people who happen to be psychologists?  Has she been diagnosed?  What are you hoping for?

[centella]

Hi! 

I'm sorry you've been through such a difficult experience  x

After all you've been through, you say that you need her. Let me ask you a few questions, do you really need that amount of pain and instability? Or do you need the rush of the emotional roller coaster she provides to you? I know it's hard, because now you probably feel like there's something worth to be saved in the relationship, and perhaps even hope that all the bad goes away and that there's some way to make all the good return for good. You have to search within you what is the most healthier choice for you on a long term. You need to realize if this drug is worth all the pain, or not. But from all I've heard from substance addiction, the more you stick with the substance, the harder it is to let go.

Measure all that you did for her, and measure all that she did for you. If she haven't done much for you, do you really think she could do someday?

Even if you wish to help her, do you feel like you have enough strength and the necessary tools and knowledge to deal with that kind of relationship without harming yourself? Or do you feel like she really wants to be helped? In either case, when we are too much involved with someone, it's very hard to help them.

These questions will most likely increase the confusion in your mind, but as you find the answers things will look clearer to you.

Perhaps this article might help: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

I hope things get better for you soon. Keep writing and let us know how things go. I am here for you, and there's a lot of amazing people here who listen and understand. You're not alone in this.

x

Centella

[bpdgotmegood]

Does she see the two Psychologists as a patient or is she a friend to two people who happen to be psychologists?  Has she been diagnosed?  What are you hoping for?

Well 1 she sees and the other she did see for many years. I think she may have had sex with the male dr. Just weird how they talk and things he has given her as gifts.  but the female is a dr for the county she lives in. but they talk online and after hours and all the time and even 1 time a week at the office.

[eeyore]

what countries are all the pertinent people including yourself from?

[bpdgotmegood]

Thanks you gave me many things to think about and I just can't answer anything because i am so confused I don't know why I am hooked really. and like she always tells me she doesn't have anything wrong with her its everyone else that has the problem.

Hi! 

I'm sorry you've been through such a difficult experience  x

After all you've been through, you say that you need her. Let me ask you a few questions, do you really need that amount of pain and instability? Or do you need the rush of the emotional roller coaster she provides to you? I know it's hard, because now you probably feel like there's something worth to be saved in the relationship, and perhaps even hope that all the bad goes away and that there's some way to make all the good return for good. You have to search within you what is the most healthier choice for you on a long term. You need to realize if this drug is worth all the pain, or not. But from all I've heard from substance addiction, the more you stick with the substance, the harder it is to let go.

Measure all that you did for her, and measure all that she did for you. If she haven't done much for you, do you really think she could do someday?

Even if you wish to help her, do you feel like you have enough strength and the necessary tools and knowledge to deal with that kind of relationship without harming yourself? Or do you feel like she really wants to be helped? In either case, when we are too much involved with someone, it's very hard to help them.

These questions will most likely increase the confusion in your mind, but as you find the answers things will look clearer to you.

Perhaps this article might help: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

I hope things get better for you soon. Keep writing and let us know how things go. I am here for you, and there's a lot of amazing people here who listen and understand. You're not alone in this.

x

Centella

[bpdgotmegood]

what countries are all the pertinent people including yourself from?

I am from usa , she is argentine living in usa her 1 dr the lady is here in the usa and the other the man is in argentina.

I know you all are gonna call me crazy but There is a side to her that is just wonderful I mean its fantastic. the caring side is so huge. it is her tantrums and lies that bother me.

[centella]

Thanks you gave me many things to think about and I just can't answer anything because i am so confused I don't know why I am hooked really. and like she always tells me she doesn't have anything wrong with her its everyone else that has the problem.

I know it's hard, but try for a moment to focus on you and you alone. If you keep focusing on her, the confusion will increase. Take a break. Some hours, some days, whatever you need. You can get back to her later. Just take care of yourself for now, until the confusion begins to dissipate. This is my best advice to for the moment.

[bpdgotmegood]

Thanks you gave me many things to think about and I just can't answer anything because i am so confused I don't know why I am hooked really. and like she always tells me she doesn't have anything wrong with her its everyone else that has the problem.

I know it's hard, but try for a moment to focus on you and you alone. If you keep focusing on her, the confusion will increase. Take a break. Some hours, some days, whatever you need. You can get back to her later. Just take care of yourself for now, until the confusion begins to dissipate. This is my best advice to for the moment.

I am trying I did start to goto the gym and work out and started taking vitamin b and d3 and that has helped and the biggest help is the whey protein drinks wow they bring me to life and busy and doing stuff and thinking of everything clearly I am trying hard to figure things out.

I am at the point that do I want her? or should I move onto a new life with a new woman. time will tell me the answer I guess.

[lieslieslies]

hi and warmly welcome here,



I honestly advise you to drive the 900 miles once and for all, unload her and stuff, and why I

say this is that you will have this drama on and on as their life is just recycling the cycles of their

abusive actions against you, what comes over the lips of hers is just words with notthing else than

she figures out is good for you to hear. the way you discribe her daily scheme is just how they are,

stay long in bed, get you laid twice a day, pretend they are good to keep house clean by maniac vacuum

10 minutes, hoping you will take over, cheat on you in all kinds of ways from emotionel to physical, then

spending hours on line, and when it comes to comittments like buying a house, marring, and kids, then you

in for the big one as that is triggering them most. I could go on her with the carbon-paper story as I been

in a "relation" thats just a roller-coasterride for the rest of your lif, IF SHE AIN´T GET IN TO REAL THEARAPY LIKE DBT, which you can read in here about and furthermore TO SET BOUNDARIES ON HER ISSUES WITH RAGING  YELLING  CHEATING  LYING AND ALL THE OTHER BAD BEHAVIOUR SHE GIVES YOU.

I try to give you one positive thing that is worth knowing in the start of your knowledgeas for 9 year with my ex. I have gained a lot, but it is not an illness they have asked to have, it was developed far back in their youth and many times by being neglected by their parents and many times they have not receive the real love a child is needing to get for to give and have in their adult lif, i.e. what you never had, you can´t give.

this is todays reminder from me to you about their BPD illness,

YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT

YOU CANT CURE IT,

ONLY SHE CAN IF SHE DO IT,

not we the two mentioned T´s as they are no pro´s on subject, just instruments to have her hanging

on to the real world which she cant manage with an empty soul.

all the best

4L

[Dorian]

what countries are all the pertinent people including yourself from?

I know you all are gonna call me crazy but There is a side to her that is just wonderful I mean its fantastic. the caring side is so huge. it is her tantrums and lies that bother me.

You've found the right place, my friend. You are not crazy. It's the nature of BPD to exhibit this duality where sometimes the BPD person seems so loving and understanding one moment and raging and attacking the next moment. This is part of the BPD's way of coping with their own fears of abandonment and emotional instability.  They hooked you in with the kindness and emotional intensity such that you feel "this is the most magic person I have ever known." The goal is to get you hooked and dependent on them so that they feel needed and validated. But once they have you hooked, you become a target for all of the internal rage that they feel about something that happened to them as a small child.

So this caring and loving facade is about them, not you. It may seem very real but it's a skill that they depend upon to cope with their very intense internal negativity.

I sympathize with you in your situation. I spent 3 years with a BPD woman who could seem like the most magical and caring person much of the time. But she would flip to her dark side and rage at me over the smallest things. I even decided that I could manage and tolerate that behavior. I too felt like she was a drug I needed and so I forgave her and took her back numerous times. In the end she betrayed me and left me broken just when my love for her was at a new high point.  Then I discovered just how much she had lied to me throughout the relationship.  She was a fraud.

You can be sure that she serious problems. It's very much in the BPD pattern for her to claim "I have nothing wrong with me. It's everyone else that has the problem." BPD is a serious mental illness and it's absolutely essential for you to get yourself out of emotional harms way.

well we load her stuff in my truck and trailer drive 900 miles and when we get there she says I love you and I don't wanna stay. so we goto a hotel and talk and we went to dinner and wow it was like the trip bonded us together damn was i wrong at 4 am she wakes me up yelling that i am trying to freeze her out of the room and abandoning her and i am scum

Yep. That sounds pretty similar to a lot of my experiences with my BPD wife. Believe it or not, it can get a lot worse. You need to get out now.

I second the advice give by lieslieslies: drive her and the stuff the 900 miles one last time, drop her off and never look back. Do not sleep with her one last time or let her have a make-up session with you in any way.  If you think the 900 mile drive with her is too difficult emotionally maybe you can pay for a mover to take her and the stuff away. Whatever the cost, it's a bargain compared to the emotional (and eventual $$$) cost of keeping her in your life. 

[lieslieslies]

hi dorian,

I took yhe liberty of reading your early posts and I recall so much, it is like they

are cloned, whereever they live, no matter colour and now the rate has gone from 2 %

to 6 % of population. I have had the opportunity to have a healty marrige for 20 years prior

to meeting ms. drama-queen, so I had it aqll with fine grown children and I thought like

I was to give her one as she at the of 40 when we met, me then 45, but I am so happy I discovered

the red ones early even if I didnt catch them all... .

3L

[bpdgotmegood]

well here is the deal she already is 810 miles away now I took her 1 month ago to her old house her x husband saved incase she returned ! WTH he must be a dandy . well he has since taken her in and supported he and cared for her.

I am just confused because now she wants to return to me. and I am just scared of her pulling crap and running away again on me.

This really sucks ! I hate this feelings.

[lieslieslies]

hi again,

we take it once more:

you did not cause it, can´t cure it, only SHE CAN... .BUT SHE WONT, SO

REPEAT, SAY AFTER ME PLEASE... .

that is the advise you asked for in topic, solved in one day, I am jealous of you man.

or carry on, what you are doing is called co-dependency, have you knowledges of your

own issues as you are letting her abuse you on every level. let go.

3L

[Dorian]

well here is the deal she already is 810 miles away now I took her 1 month ago to her old house her x husband saved incase she returned ! WTH he must be a dandy . well he has since taken her in and supported he and cared for her.

I am just confused because now she wants to return to me. and I am just scared of her pulling crap and running away again on me.

This really sucks ! I hate this feelings.

You know enough now about BPD and you know that she will only continue to abuse you. You've got to get yourself off this drug and stop entertaining thoughts of being with her again! There will be withdrawal for a while but it gets better with time. One day you will be over her and will look back at this as a lesson learned.

She's already moved out and is far away, that's great. Don't relapse!

[bpdgotmegood]

Well last night at 1am I end up at the gym working out to decide stay with her or stay away and basically I have decided the stay away. Now is the hard part to stick with that decision of mine.

Last night I told her over messenger that basically I can't trust her and don't feel she wants changes and her response is I am fine your the one with the problems.

And bang that pushed me away even more. And with that I have basically decided to just stay on my routine and go from there to grow away from her. As many of you men that have been with a very sexy ladie that has BPD know what I am going through and wow it is difficult But I don't want to end up sick either I already have my own set of issues and don't need to get into a worse state of mind.

I appreciate the support and I am so glad I found everyone on this board.

[Im.okay.now]

I know how you feel and staying away and No Contact "IS" the best thing you can do for yourself.

By the way ... .how do you know the guy in Argentina is a psychologist ?

[an0ught]

Welcome to the board  x

Thanks you gave me many things to think about and I just can't answer anything because i am so confused I don't know why I am hooked really. and like she always tells me she doesn't have anything wrong with her its everyone else that has the problem.

why is this happening and why is it so hard to break out are important questions.

Why is one of the most important tools for reasoning... .

... .if there is reason. We believe if only we have the reason we understand and it gets better. But it is exactly the stumbling way we applied reason to something without that turned our minds in mashed peas.

Sometimes - particularly in time of crisis - what to do is the most important question - and then doing it is the most important thing. And the doing starts with you.

What do you do with your time. What do you want to achieve. What are you willing to do and what not.

[bpdgotmegood]

Your so correct on that. I really don';t have a clue. who knows. This BPD stuff sucks massivly !

But honestly the more I chat with her online the more she is pushing me away with all of her moronic comments of me being bad. AT least now I am thinking in me and not her. It hurts but there is nothing I can do for her if she won't help herself out first.

Plus I am now thinking out side of her thinking wow maybe I can move forward in my life. I am sure I can one day find a new lady to be my companion in life.


This sucks big time.

I know how you feel and staying away and No Contact "IS" the best thing you can do for yourself.

By the way ... .how do you know the guy in Argentina is a psychologist ?

[bpdgotmegood]

I can tell you this she is giving me the strength now to stay away. I am digging this she shows me more and more she is a very bad person every second. And now she is furious cut me off and wont talk because I told her I really don't want her back wow that set her off massivly .

but I doubt it worked because in 2 hours she will message me telling me to goto a x or get a hooker or something like that ! but at the same time I love you I need you wa wa wa .

 life is great !

[2010]

Hi BPDGMG, Understand that this *is* an addiction, and like any addictive thing- we chase the initial high but it fails to deliver over time. Over time, the addiction makes us feel worse.  We can keep trying to find the initial high by romanticizing it, and bargain away the lows, fondly remembering the highs, but we are only fooling ourselves. Eventually, the quest to find the highs again- will kill us.

In recovery, they say that you have to hit rock bottom before you give up the romance of the addict. At a certain point you'll look in the mirror and fail to recognize yourself. You'll be drained and despondent- not because of your lack of trying to renew that initial high of the relationship, but because of your failure to see the lows for what they are and were- the *majority* of the relationship. You see, this is a losing battle. You will never return to the way it was in the beginning. That's not how dysfunctional relationships work.  Your partner is not going to wake up one day and realize she's in the wrong on this. Dont expect it from her.

If you've been blamed, hated and castrated, you're now stuck in the web. The harder you try to reason your way out, the more you struggle, and the more you'll get caught.  Your partner is now renting space in your head and holding your heart physically hostage.  You need to stop denying that she's a problem child/waif.  Her return to the ex Husband and the fake persona's she's creating are all being used to triangulate you.  Normal people who love each other don't do this.

The only way out of the web is to be silent. The only way out of the web is to stop responding.  Like a drug addiction, you need to withdraw from your partner and go cold turkey.  Many of us are in this process. It hurts, I know- but it is the only way you will regain your sanity.

For more information on love as an addiction, read here: www.peele.net/lib/laa4.html

[bpdgotmegood]

well I just laid the way I feel to her and she started with all the bs. and it pissed me off and now i am trying my hardest to not even talk to her anymore. Honestly my love is turning into a strong hate now for her. and that is giving me the strength to move on now.

Hi BPDGMG, Understand that this *is* an addiction, and like any addictive thing- we chase the initial high but it fails to deliver over time. Over time, the addiction makes us feel worse.  We can keep trying to find the initial high by romanticizing it, and bargain away the lows, fondly remembering the highs, but we are only fooling ourselves. Eventually, the quest to find the highs again- will kill us.

In recovery, they say that you have to hit rock bottom before you give up the romance of the addict. At a certain point you'll look in the mirror and fail to recognize yourself. You'll be drained and despondent- not because of your lack of trying to renew that initial high of the relationship, but because of your failure to see the lows for what they are and were- the *majority* of the relationship. You see, this is a losing battle. You will never return to the way it was in the beginning. That's not how dysfunctional relationships work.  Your partner is not going to wake up one day and realize she's in the wrong on this. Dont expect it from her.

If you've been blamed, hated and castrated, you're now stuck in the web. The harder you try to reason your way out, the more you struggle, and the more you'll get caught.  Your partner is now renting space in your head and holding your heart physically hostage.  You need to stop denying that she's a problem child/waif.  Her return to the ex Husband and the fake persona's she's creating are all being used to triangulate you.  Normal people who love each other don't do this.


The only way out of the web is to be silent. The only way out of the web is to stop responding.  Like a drug addiction, you need to withdraw from your partner and go cold turkey.  Many of us are in this process. It hurts, I know- but it is the only way you will regain your sanity.

For more information on love as an addiction, read here: www.peele.net/lib/laa4.html

[bpdgotmegood]

well now comes the hard part I have erased her and blocked her. is it just her or do all BPD women have always many things to fix in their lifes? she is a constant pain in my backside. but wow I just can't hear or see her and no way message with her. I am done and going to try my hardest to avoid her at all cost!

god give me the strength to avoid this daemon from hell Satan sent into my life.