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Author Topic: Should I respond?  (Read 576 times)
citygirl

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« on: March 21, 2010, 11:54:58 PM »

I’m not sure if I'm posting this to the right board.  I’ve been NC with my xuBPDbf since December. 

Brief history – together on and off for 4 years.  I found out I was pregnant after our final split in the summer of 2008.  We had a lot of drama during my pregnancy (including him physically attacking me) and during his 3 one-week visits after the baby was born (he lives 1400 miles away).  He isn’t interested in raising the baby, just visiting when it’s convenient for him and when he wants to play daddy.  I finally went NC after the last drama during which he said I had no right to question him if he did drugs and “punished” me for doing so by stopping payment on a check he had given me for 3 months of health insurance premiums and half of daycare.

Since then, he’s sent me 2 emails, a couple of hate IMs (until I blocked him), and called maybe 15 times, including almost every day for the last week.  He finally left a message saying that he wants to see the baby for his 1st birthday at the end of March…he’ll fly us somewhere if that’s what it takes, quit his job if he can’t get time off, give me money, etc. etc. 

My question is, should I respond?  At first, I typed up an email basically saying to stop calling and that I’d let him know when I thought my son should spend time with an abusive, alcoholic criminal.  Then I thought I just wouldn’t respond at all.  What I want is for him to be gone from our lives.  He isn’t on the birth certificate, and we don’t have any kind of court order about paternity/custody/child support.  He causes damage and destruction wherever he goes, as BPDs do.  I think eventually he’ll leave us alone (he has a 10 year old son who he hasn’t spent time with since he was 3).  I’m just not sure what is the best thing for me to do right now.  NC has been great, but for some reason, now I'm feeling like I need to respond.

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JoannaK
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Relationship status: Married to long-term 9-year partner (also a non)
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2010, 05:03:02 AM »

First of all, it is better if your son has no contact with him than having a dad who zooms in and out whenever he feels like it.  I see absolute pain in store for your son:  Your little boy will look forward to a visit from dad, and dad will disappoint him over and over again.   So for your son's sake, cut off contact.

Now, if he really wants a relationship with this child, he needs to go to court and get a paternity order.  That's the first step, and he's got to be the one to do that. 

As you don't have any court orders between you, I would not write him anything negative or abusive.  You don't want him taking you to court for being an alienating mother.  Simply write and tell him that he needs establish paternity legally and you do not agree to occasional visits with his son.  Your son needs regular interaction with him or none at all.

Do not allow him to come in and out if you can at all avoid it... .This will be so, so harmful to your child.  And, if he is going to be around your child, you do have a right to question him about drugs and/or drinking.  Also, if he wants to visit your child, he should stay elsewhere... none of this "happy family" stuff.     
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2010, 06:13:37 AM »

Excerpt
What I want is for him to be gone from our lives.

Follow Joanna's advice.

Excerpt
he wants to see the baby for his 1st birthday at the end of March…he’ll fly us somewhere if that’s what it takes

If I could add anything it is to NOT get on a plane and fly to where he is. Being in a strange city without a support network with someone who has physically attacked you (while you were pregnant) is an error in judgment. Please dont do it.  Your Boy needs a smart Mommy- and one who's protective of his best interest. Do the right thing and use the three strikes rule against this Man. It's a rule that's fair enough for criminals on the streets and it's fair enough for your Son's Father too.

Eventually you will meet a good man- and at that time he may step up to the plate and mentor your child. You cant discover him with an abuser taking up most of your attention. Choose your battles wisely- sometimes the way to win is by choosing not to fight.
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