Trying to Let Go of Anger and Forgive

[SoundMind]

I have spent a lot of time lately being very angry at my dBPDstbx and his past behaviours. There is over a decade of BPD crap that I've put up with, and it is taking me a long time to process it, never mind forgive it.

But last night I realized he's actually been mostly ok for nearly 2 weeks now. Not that it changes the outcome of our marriage... .I said once that BPD killed whatever love I had for him, and I know that's true. Even if he were to wake up tomorrow morning and be totally cured, I still wouldn't be able to carry on with the marriage, because I simply do not want to be with him and don't love him.

But it's just not that simple. There are just so many terrible things he's done and said. He's torn me down and destroyed me. I was a secure, strong, smart and successful young woman before him. I had a wonderfully happy childhood. I lived a charmed life. Until he entered it. Now I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. Now I am on antidepressants and can't sleep without meds. Now I can't remember what used to give me pleasure in life anymore. I sometimes feel like he's a 'psychic vampire' and that he's sucked out everything that was good and strong about my personality for himself.

But I think the time has possibly come for me to let go of the anger and forgive. He is diagnosed and is in DBT. I may not have to stay married to him, but we have kids and he'll always be a part of my future, just as he will always be a part of my past. I think I have to purge my own negative emotions about him in order to find my joy again, my peaceful place, my self.

But how? Has anyone here been successful at letting all the  s go? I guess I won't ever get the carefree girl I was back, but I would like to feel that life is good again.

[OnceConfused]

Letting Go is one of the most powerful tool for us to attain ENLIGHTENMENT. By letting go of your attachment, your suffering will cease. YOur mind will be free of the pain of the past. You will not be dependent on others for your happiness and better yet, they have no control over you. By letting go of your anger, you will be able to heal and to grow. By knowing how to let go, you will enjoy much more in your next relationship and you will love more and be loved.

Letting go means you can accept your H as who he is. You will feel a sense of compassionate toward his illness. You will wish him well in his search for his own recovery. But you will be able to walk away.

You can regain your beautiful self again by finding the little successes. Pick an area or two to improve yourself, then another then another.

As yogi, we speak about using our breath as the anchor for us to stay in the moment. So when you feel anxious and such, focus on breathing slowly and steady. If you have time, then you might want to join a yoga class. You will learn so much while getting some good exercices. Yoga has helped me so much in staying centered when I had to face adversities like the death of my 1st wife and the craziness of xBPDgf.

Good luck

[2010]

Hi Soundmind,

You don't have to forgive. You can let go... .yes. There is a difference.

You might find Alice Miller's work to be interesting. She writes about forgiveness as a part of poisonous pedagogy. Her feelings are-that while the theory of forgiveness is morally just, the actuality of it erases or minimizes the trauma that is kept in the body. Without the help of an enlightened witness, the repressed pain stays locked up and doesn't resolve itself.

She brings an example of a patient in therapy telling the therapist, "my Parents did the best they could, I forgave them" as an example of forgiveness reinforcing denial of childhood abuse, rather than leading to honest confrontations with one's authentic emotions.

And forgiveness, Miller reminds us, has never had a healing effect in the body. The pain remains repressed and surfaces elsewhere in other ailments; i.e. stomach upset, headaches, depression etc.

Techniques of converting "negative" emotions into "positive" emotions will fail. Why? Because these manipulations reinforce denial, rather than leading to honest confrontations with one's authentic emotions.

Miller claims that preaching forgiveness is hypocritical, futile, and actively harmful. Harmful because the body doesn't understand moral precepts. She does add that one may rightly forgive someone else if that person realizes what they've done, though, and they apologize for the pain they've caused.

According to Miller:

I have asked many therapists why it is that they believe their patients must forgive if they are to become well, but I have never received a halfway acceptable answer. Clearly, they had never questioned their assertion.

What ultimately emerges is the continuation of the blindness inherited in childhood, the blindness that a real therapy could relieve. What is constantly repeated to patients -until they believe it, and the therapist is mollified - is: "Your hate is making you ill. You must forgive and forget. Then you will be well." But it was not hatred that drove patients to mute desperation in their childhood, by alienating them from their feelings and their needs. It was such morality with which they were constantly pressured.

It was my experience that it was precisely the opposite of forgiveness - namely, rebellion against mistreatment suffered, the recognition and condemnation of my parents' misleading opinions and actions, and the articulation of my own needs - that ultimately freed me from the past. In my childhood, these things had been ignored in the name of "a good upbringing," and I myself learned to ignore them for decades in order to be the "good" and "tolerant" child my parents wished me to be. But today I know: I always needed to expose and fight against opinions and attitudes that I considered destructive of life wherever I encountered them, and not to tolerate them.

Survivors of mistreatment need to discover their own truth if they are to free themselves of its consequences. Moralizing leads them away from this truth. ~Alice Miller

[VanessaG]

SoundMind, what a rough time you've had.

I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do with regard to your marriage.  I don't have kids, and I don't have that sort of history with my exBPD.  And I've been here only a relatively short time.

But I would suggest that you invest some time and energy in YOU, so that you can be the best you that you can be, the best mom to your kids and so that you can interact as healthfully as possible with your stbx, regardless of the status of your relationship.  Are you seeing a T presently?  You've got a whole lot of healing to do.

I find that the days I am feeling the healthiest, the most magnanimous and forgiving and able to step back from all of it and see it all with sort of soft edges and a "big picture" awareness, are days where I have done things for me, things that have made me feel good ABOUT me.  Days where I have a game plan with the help of my T, and where I've spent time laughing and loving with the (healthiest) people closest to me, and usually where I've spent a good chunk of the day outside and simply being grateful for all that I DO have.

I hope the coming days bring you peace.  Be kind to yourself.  You deserve at least that, especially from you.

x

VanessaG

[SoundMind]

Thanks Onceconfused - actually I have been practicing Yoga for several years now, and I often say it's the only thing that's kept me going. I have been skipping class the last few weeks because I've been feeling so down, but it's obviously time to get back at it! And yes, letting go of attachment. It's so hard but it IS the only path to enlightenment. Must remember the Dalai Lama's words about compassion - I saw him speak a few months ago and it was inspirational.

2010, thanks for the Alice Miller suggestion. Actually I have read some of her books, but mostly after they were referred to stbx for HIM to read to help with the abuse he suffered in childhood. I never thought to apply her writings to my situation, since I had a very happy childhood and she seems to deal mostly with childhood trauma. I'll go back and look at them from a new point of view now. However, it's a very important distinction (between forgiveness and letting go), and I have struggled with that myself - does forgiving him mean denying the pain I suffered? I just can't do that anymore. (Lived in denial for 13 years already... .I'm done with that, thanks!). I'm beginning to work that one out now... .finding a way to let go of the pain without denying it.

VanessaG, thanks for your support. I do have a T but it's been a while since I've been to see her. And it's also been a while since I've done something just for me, so I'm going out for coffee with a friend this afternoon. I've made a lot of changes in my life recently in order to prepare myself to be a single mom, and I think I have to look on those with more pride and less dread. I am going back to work - I'm a teacher and I absolutely love my profession. I should feel proud that I was hired by the school board because competition is tight right now! I have also passed the oral exam to teach French as a Second Language, and that's not easy either. I worked hard for many years studying French and I love meeting with my French conversation group... .I am fluently bilingual and THAT'S something to be proud of, too I leased a new car (to drive to work) all by myself with my OWN credit rating (totally without stbx) and THAT is something to be proud of, not just a financial burden.

Gee, when I look at it that way, I guess I have already started on a more positive path.

Thanks everyone for your support. I love this community... .I do believe that it has helped save my sanity. 

[VanessaG]

SoundMind, good on you.  Really does sound like you have your act together.  Stay the course.  Pour yourself in staying on your healthy journey, look back and celebrate how far you've come and then look forward again.  I teach as well and there's nothing better than the joy in teaching.  Relish it.

More  x

VanessaG

[Discarded]

there is no forgiveness where there is no sin.

[SoundMind]

there is no forgiveness where there is no sin.

Sorry, I'm not quite sure what this means? ?

Are you willing to clarify further? Thanks.

[Discarded]

there is no forgiveness where there is no sin.

Sorry, I'm not quite sure what this means? ?

Are you willing to clarify further? Thanks.

it's just a way of saying that the darkness allows the light to be seen

[SoundMind]

there is no forgiveness where there is no sin.

Sorry, I'm not quite sure what this means? ?

Are you willing to clarify further? Thanks.

it's just a way of saying that the darkness allows the light to be seen

Thanks Discarded; makes sense when you put it that way