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Author Topic: Help I'm feeling jelous about the new victim and competitive  (Read 5758 times)
shopgirl
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« Reply #30 on: March 26, 2010, 03:02:06 PM »

Poppybb

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. So he also used your words? Yuck doesn't that just make you sick? I agree with you. I feel like they do have some sense about us. It seems like I'll just start to feel zen and boom I'll get an email from him about how much he misses me, or a text from him, a comment on one of my pics on FB. And it will just mess with my head. The thing is, I try not to give my ex the satisfaction of knowing how much it messes with me. Even if it does bring him closer together with her Oh well. It is her problem now not yours. It's hard not to be jealous of the new victim, especially when you think about how they're telling the new victim all these things, and idealizing the new victim to the new as well as their friends and fam. Like others have said this will not last, and really it's not like they're a prize.  

You know what just occured to me? My ex always used to say all these wonderful things about me, even after we broke up. Now he's saying all these great things about the new girl. Plus she has the qualities he wanted me to have but, I didn't (even stupid things like how he'd get annoyed I'm a bit of a picky eater and don't like seafood). The thing is, those wonderful things he said about me still exist. They are still part of me. Whether he still believes them or not. I'm still that "incredilbly sweet, caring, bright spirit". I don't know why I get so caught up on the fact that he might not think that about me. Or might think the new chick is all things and more. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to be with him now or ever. So it really doesn't matter if he thinks those things.


ETA: Poppybb just read your next post. I am glad you are at that point. I have a long way to go but, I do get amused by many things I read. Stuff he writes me, and others where I'm like   he's full of hit_. So I do have faith and it's inspiring to here where you're at

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Interestedparty
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« Reply #31 on: March 26, 2010, 03:07:37 PM »

Thanks KHat for your post, especially the (read definition[/url])  definition. I'd read it when i first joined but, I guess some how I thought it also meant trying to gain your affection/attention whether through direct contact, or indirect things such as fb or ms status changes to get a reaction out of you.

Hmm maybe I better take a look at the project I did on NPD some seem to think he's NPD as opposed to BPD.

It is a 'fact' that pwBPD can be and frequently are 'comorbid'. That means in it's simplest form that the condition can exist with one or more other conditions. By it's very nature, characteristics and roots, BPD often co-exists comfortably with NPD.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Scroll down to the heading: Differential diagnosis: associated and overlapping conditions



and you will see BPD is one of them.

So it isn't a case of it is either BPD or NPD, within BPD can be strong elements of NPD.




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shopgirl
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« Reply #32 on: March 26, 2010, 03:21:02 PM »

Thanks KHat for your post, especially the  definition. I'd read it when i first joined but, I guess some how I thought it also meant trying to gain your affection/attention whether through direct contact, or indirect things such as fb or ms status changes to get a reaction out of you.

Hmm maybe I better take a look at the project I did on NPD some seem to think he's NPD as opposed to BPD.

It is a 'fact' that pwBPD can be and frequently are 'comorbid'. That means in it's simplest form that the condition can exist with one or more other conditions. By it's very nature, characteristics and roots, BPD often co-exists comfortably with NPD.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Scroll down to the heading: Differential diagnosis: associated and overlapping conditions



and you will see BPD is one of them.

So it isn't a case of it is either BPD or NPD, within BPD can be strong elements of NPD.


Good point, personality disorders do tend to be commorbid. I thought about that after my post. I am just shocked NPD didn't really occur to me too much. In Psychopathology we all had to present on disorders. I picked NPD and HPD. All the personality disorders were quite fascinating to me. Even though I was to focus on NPD and HPD I also read up on Anitsocial and Borderline. It just shocks me that I would miss the characteristics , given my familiarity with the NPD. When my ex and I were together I thought he was depressed. He also confided mental issues and depression run in his family. He is actually ex military, one day he showed me a letter where they were offering counselling to him. He ripped it up. I tried to encourage him to go but, he wanted nothing to do with their offer of help. He ranted about how they'd just put him on drugs. I was so focused on thinking he was depressed, I missed other things. As mentioned previously my friend (that I did a psych BA with and now has her master in counselling) actually noticed the signs when I was still in the relationship and blinded by love.
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poppybb
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« Reply #33 on: March 26, 2010, 03:40:27 PM »

Shopgirl ,

Thank you for your support .

It has certainly messed with my head, its made me very distracted again and i have a tendancy to over think and obsess at the best of times .

The attention they give us in that small moment is so intoxicating , its what the inner child in me craves , just i'd prefer it to come from a healthy individual and not him ... .thats the part i want to move onto .

The care he gives isn't the care I need or want ... .and its limited to his time and his emotional capacity... .

I guess i'm starting to recognize what I do want and what I don't want and time will help with me actually practicing this ... .

Thanks again ... .
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KHat
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« Reply #34 on: March 26, 2010, 03:53:33 PM »

Thanks KHat for your post, especially the (read definition[/url])  definition.

You're welcome, but can't take credit for that part. Seems to be automatically inserted anymore ... .
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Interestedparty
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« Reply #35 on: March 26, 2010, 03:56:16 PM »

You will always know that NPD elements exists within BPD because 'everything is all about them'.

They are selfish, self-centred and everything they do is self-serving. Hence, the using of people as objects to satisfy their needs. They have a disconnected 'right of entitlement' attitude in the most bizarre of situations, where they of all people have a right to nothing! It begs belief and actually is so laughable. I used to laugh out loud in my ex's face! And ask him if he was for real or was this his comedy act, or what?

Everything they do when they are interacting with you is about seeking validation for their ego.

Nothing at all is for you or about you. It is about them. From beginning to end.

I knew my ex was BPD/NPD loonnng before I knew what NPD was. I just called it a big ego. The characteristic was so endemic and obvious later but I thought initially he was a little insecure and so was trying to impress me by presenting this exaggerated form of the worst stereotype of the alpha male! I initially just thought it was swagger!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)



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KHat
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« Reply #36 on: March 26, 2010, 05:35:35 PM »

Congratulations for having decided to do your last spy!  Maybe the next time, you can say to yourself, "what's the worst I could read?" and then just assume you did, and move on.  Not sure that would help you or hurt you.  For me, I can anticipate the pain, feel it, go numb to it, and heal from it.  But I know people work differently.

The internet is such a problem with these things nowadays.  I had break-ups where I'd keep checking stuff on the web, like social networking sites, or my favorite, the state judicial database for pending cases (one exbf is having a house repossessed, another married a woman who soon after got an assault charge).  In some ways it's curiosity.  If a friend told me about someone with issues they knew I'd look them up too, kind of like staring at the trainwreck.  Or just because I could.  Anyway, in the break-up that puzzled me the most, I knew the guy moved from the house where he'd lived when I dated him to one less than a mile from my office.  NOT ONCE could I be bothered to drive by, but I'd still look at Facebook photos and stuff. 

I'm happy in my new relationship, I wouldn't want anything to do with the old ones, but there's something in me that's still curious about how these people I was once intimate with, physically and emotionally, "turned out".  When the internet can bring you the answers so quickly, it's hard not to look sometimes, even if it's just once every few months when really bored or something makes you think of it.  I'd like to say that the trick is only to do it when it doesn't change how you feel, but I could just be making excuses for myself.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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C12P21
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« Reply #37 on: March 26, 2010, 06:01:05 PM »

This link might help you understand the underlying addiction response in the brain to these relationships.

www.buzzle.com/articles/how-to-end-relationship-with-a-narcissist.html

Thanks for your posts and keep posting.

C
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poppybb
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« Reply #38 on: March 26, 2010, 06:29:51 PM »

This link might help you understand the underlying addiction response in the brain to these relationships.

www.buzzle.com/articles/how-to-end-relationship-with-a-narcissist.html

Thanks for your posts and keep posting.

C

Amazing site , thank you so much ... .Idea
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innerspirit
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« Reply #39 on: March 26, 2010, 10:43:41 PM »

I have a friend who teaches meditation and she gave me some insight yesterday from a book called BUDDHA'S BRAIN.  The thesis of the book is meditation as a means to change the neural "wiring" of habitual emotional response -- sounds like it would be right on target --

Just posted the information on the SPIRITUAL ASPECTS board --

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=116268.msg1144071#msg1144071
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shopgirl
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« Reply #40 on: March 27, 2010, 05:15:39 AM »

Hi guys, I'm going to check out the links thanks. Unfortunately I've had a set back already  . My rationalization (yes I recognize I'm making excuses for my bad behaviour) is that some of the "evidence" I found, I wasn't able to present to close friend of mine that pretty much knows everything. Before I decided to quit again, I was supposed to get together with my friend, I was going to show her the stuff then but, we ended up having to reschedule. So when we were hanging out today, I ended up spying again. I'm disappointed in myself but, I'm not getting too upset. It's a set back but, I'm just going to move forward. It made things even more clear why I have to stop. Since I've been home and left to my own thoughts I've had major urges to snoop. To the point where i was even rationalizing that you guys and my friends never have to know that I snooped. Then I decided NO, I'm not doing it. It's not like you all are going to spank me if I do. I have control over this and it's for my own good. So I'm going to be forthcoming about it. If I slip I'm going to make myself acountable by telling you all. That might help motivate me to stop if I know that I'm going to have to tell people I slipped up and snooped again.
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VanessaG
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« Reply #41 on: March 27, 2010, 05:49:18 AM »

Excerpt
The thing is, those wonderful things he said about me still exist. They are still part of me. Whether he still believes them or not.

This really resonates with me.

Actually, a few things posted in the last 24 hours seem to have been written to wallop me in the head with intent.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

When I first stumbled on this site and realized the exBPDp in my life fit the BPD patterns, I was validated and relieved and also somewhat crushed.  One of the things I realized, suddenly, was that I was not so "beautiful, wonderful, funny and sexy."  That I was not as "special" as the initial idealization made me out to be, or the last several attempts to try to keep me in the picture, even as he had moved on to a new girlfriend.

That really was crushing.  The same low self-esteem that I'd fallen into in the disintegrating relationship with my husband, left me vulnerable to that sort of attention, and just as I started to believe some of it, the positive validation got yanked away from me abruptly.

Ouch.

Then I watch the video Harker posted about neural connections and how repeating addictive behaviors reinforces certain emotions.  Bam!  Message received.

Then InnerSpirit's post about meditation and re-wiring those emotional and thought processes, and bam!  Another message received.

I am the one with the power to actually CHANGE, not only myself, but how I perceive myself, with just the smallest of actions, a shift in attention and attitude, and self-talk.

This, I think, was the little golden nugget that Discarded spoke of, at least for me.

I'm sure I sound all woowoo and new-Agey, but I really need to set out to change the way *I* think about me.

Thanks so much everyone.

VanessaG

PS  Shopgirl, you need to check out the youtube video that Harker posted, on this thread or another.  (I'll go find it.  Here it is:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt0B-dJANdU&feature=related)  There's a six part video -- the first three really talk about the repeated behaviors and how they wire us to keep going back to the heroin (literally and figuratively) -- the last two or three get a little off track (for me) about the Divine, and such.  :)on't beat yourself up.  Just find a way to convince yourself to stop.  For an hour, then a day.  Sister, I am on the same wagon.  We can do it together.
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shopgirl
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« Reply #42 on: March 27, 2010, 11:12:21 AM »

Excerpt
When I first stumbled on this site and realized the exBPDp in my life fit the BPD patterns, I was validated and relieved and also somewhat crushed.  One of the things I realized, suddenly, was that I was not so "beautiful, wonderful, funny and sexy."  That I was not as "special" as the initial idealization made me out to be,



I've felt the same way. Especially when I've seen people post essentially the exact same lines I cherished as being special. Then it occured to me, we are still those "beautiful, wonderful, funny and sexy" people the initial idealization made us out to be. Yeah maybe we aren't perfect but, we are still those people.

I'll give the Harker vid another chance. I clicked on the link. Once I realized it was a clip from "What the Bleep do we Know" I wanted no part of it. I actually walked out of the theatre for this movie. I think that was the only time I've ever done that.
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poppybb
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« Reply #43 on: March 27, 2010, 12:43:03 PM »



.


this is all true and also i do believe that they can mean what they say in the impulsive moment , to the best of their ability . Also when they love and care for us , im sure they think they do but its not the love and care we want or deserve . Its tough I know ... .keep strong ...

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Koro
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« Reply #44 on: March 27, 2010, 01:18:00 PM »

Hi everyone,

  I don't post very often. I mainly lurk. One of the reasons I rarely post is because I feel embarassed. I have a couple confessions to make. 1 is that I'm still in contact with my uexBPD. The longest we've gone is about 36 days (getting close to setting a new record any day now). I also feel some shame because I've contacted him a few times, and I keep responding to his contacts. There's one more biggie. I've done something really bad... .I have access to his email and fb. I spy all the time  Being cool (click to insert in post)(hangs head). I know it's wrong, before  him I was always discouraging my friends from snooping. I don't know what's happened to my morals. Yet I'm so releaved I have the info I do. There have been a few times where he's contacted me with some message about how much he misses me ect. My heart will fill up with happiness (pathetic I know). My head will say (and my friends) wait a minute this probably is more about him feeling lonely than about you. So I'll snoop, and sure enough I'll find out he's also messaged other past victims. And you wanna hear something really sad. I'll actually get some satisfaction from the fact that the messages to me seem the most heartfelt/intimate.

So I got a Valentines contact. It was a pretty intense one, he was talking about how much he missed me, how he thought he could find the same love but it be accesseable (we were ldr), and how that was a mistake, how miserable he is without me. Oh and this gem "I think, you are definitely one of the only worthy of my complete and utter devotion". I was curious to see if he'd messaged others. Sure enough he did. His other contacts have been more general. Hi how've you been kinda things. Then I check to see if he's message anyone else after my response to his message and he did. His latest victim who apparently wasn't paying him enough attention after he acted like she meant nothing to him. His message to her was even more heartfelt than mine. He even brought up in the message how he hasn't felt this way about someone since when him and I first started talking. I was so sad when I read the message. I felt jealous cause, it was more heartfelt than what he wrote me or has ever written me. He even used one of my lines in the subject heading  and said some of the same stuff he used to say about me  . It just really feels like I meant nothing. It's driving me crazy cause, she is everything I'm not. She seems so perfect for him. I can't help it I'm jealous. Plus I feel competitive like, I want thing to progress with the guy I'm seeing before things do with them. Like this sick feeling of competition like, whatever we're going to become a couple before they do. Ughh I know it's messed up. Sorry this is so long... .

I guess you feel jealous because you have one flawed reasoning: you think that the intensity of his words to different kind of woman really estimates the affection he have for them. Provided the intensity of his words for you were major, you felt you were first place.



  • He is juggling with lots women, not just you.


  • Even if it is flattering or makes you feel good, he is a player and WORTHLESS of YOUR devotion, because of the things he does.


  • He have a serious emotional disorder (BPD or not) and you can't just take him seriously. If you do, well, you see what happens.




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innerspirit
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« Reply #45 on: March 27, 2010, 01:30:30 PM »

Well, it's mind-bending to suddenly drop out of the position of Center of Their Universe -- however negative and crazy it was.  Good, bad (almost never indifferent), it's an over-the-top important role that we played.

I wonder if the adrenaline surge is something of a high, however whacko the situation.  It sure pulls us out of the emotional and physical burnout, but perpetuates the cycle.   Idea  hmm, I think I just worked out part of my end of the rollercoaster.  There were unlimited chances to try to right the balance, and the stakes were higher with each time.

Is there something of a jealousy about the new victim's Importance in the Drama, the role we had that was so crucial and earth-shaking before?

No wonder it leaves such a void, and one understood by so few in the "Real World" around us.
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poppybb
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« Reply #46 on: March 27, 2010, 02:34:06 PM »



I guess you feel jealous because you have one flawed reasoning: you think that the intensity of his words to different kind of woman really estimates the affection he have for them. Provided the intensity of his words for you were major, you felt you were first place.



  • He is juggling with lots women, not just you.


  • Even if it is flattering or makes you feel good, he is a player and WORTHLESS of YOUR devotion, because of the things he does.


  • He have a serious emotional disorder (BPD or not) and you can't just take him seriously. If you do, well, you see what happens.




yes , I had this last weekend , the showering of love , cant live without you , etc . i believed some of it but funny it came at a time when i had started to disengage emotionally , he sensed that , their damn clever .


its funny how before i felt the intensity intoxicating and i now find it smothering .

when i look at him now i see a scared weak man ... .guess today im feeling stronger ... .little steps .
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Interestedparty
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« Reply #47 on: March 27, 2010, 02:45:46 PM »

I guess you feel jealous because you have one flawed reasoning: you think that the intensity of his words to different kind of woman really estimates the affection he have for them. Provided the intensity of his words for you were major, you felt you were first place.



  • He is juggling with lots women, not just you.


  • Even if it is flattering or makes you feel good, he is a player and WORTHLESS of YOUR devotion, because of the things he does.


  • He have a serious emotional disorder (BPD or not) and you can't just take him seriously. If you do, well, you see what happens.



Shiro, what you said is so true!
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innerspirit
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« Reply #48 on: March 27, 2010, 05:43:19 PM »

its funny how before i felt the intensity intoxicating and i now find it smothering .

Great point -- I remember going back and forth between feeling it was intoxicating and smothering.  Maybe some of both.
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shopgirl
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« Reply #49 on: March 29, 2010, 05:13:29 PM »

I guess you feel jealous because you have one flawed reasoning: you think that the intensity of his words to different kind of woman really estimates the affection he have for them. Provided the intensity of his words for you were major, you felt you were first place.



  • He is juggling with lots women, not just you.


  • Even if it is flattering or makes you feel good, he is a player and WORTHLESS of YOUR devotion, because of the things he does.


  • He have a serious emotional disorder (BPD or not) and you can't just take him seriously. If you do, well, you see what happens.




yes , I had this last weekend , the showering of love , cant live without you , etc . i believed some of it but funny it came at a time when i had started to disengage emotionally , he sensed that , their damn clever .


its funny how before i felt the intensity intoxicating and i now find it smothering .

when i look at him now i see a scared weak man ... .guess today im feeling stronger ... .little steps .

Good point about being somewhat removed and finding the intensity intoxicating/smothering. I find when I've read the messages to the new victim, I see how disturbed they are. The messages are very over the top, somewhat obsessive in nature. Since I see him for who he is now I   my eyes and think eck does she actually enjoy this. Yet part of me does get sad remembering when I was the receiver of the over the top affection.

I'm doing ok but, It's been hard for me to not spy. Even though we've been broken up since May, this is probably the longest we've gone NC. We have not been in communication for a month now. I have not spied since Friday. I know that isn't very long but, it is long for me. I have a feeling we're going to maintain NC for a very long time. Given that he has a new victim that is the apple of his eye and that I'm determined to do what is best and healthy for me.
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poppybb
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« Reply #50 on: March 29, 2010, 05:26:09 PM »

I guess you feel jealous because you have one flawed reasoning: you think that the intensity of his words to different kind of woman really estimates the affection he have for them. Provided the intensity of his words for you were major, you felt you were first place.



  • He is juggling with lots women, not just you.


  • Even if it is flattering or makes you feel good, he is a player and WORTHLESS of YOUR devotion, because of the things he does.


  • He have a serious emotional disorder (BPD or not) and you can't just take him seriously. If you do, well, you see what happens.




yes , I had this last weekend , the showering of love , cant live without you , etc . i believed some of it but funny it came at a time when i had started to disengage emotionally , he sensed that , their damn clever .


its funny how before i felt the intensity intoxicating and i now find it smothering .

when i look at him now i see a scared weak man ... .guess today im feeling stronger ... .little steps .

Good point about being somewhat removed and finding the intensity intoxicating/smothering. I find when I've read the messages to the new victim, I see how disturbed they are. The messages are very over the top, somewhat obsessive in nature. Since I see him for who he is now I   my eyes and think eck does she actually enjoy this. Yet part of me does get sad remembering when I was the receiver of the over the top affection.

I'm doing ok but, It's been hard for me to not spy. Even though we've been broken up since May, this is probably the longest we've gone NC. We have not been in communication for a month now. I have not spied since Friday. I know that isn't very long but, it is long for me. I have a feeling we're going to maintain NC for a very long time. Given that he has a new victim that is the apple of his eye and that I'm determined to do what is best and healthy for me.

Hi Shopgirl , good to see you here again .

If you haven't been together since May , do you think it might be time to stop looking , do you think it might be holding you back . Spying in itself becomes an obsession , I did it to with an ex and though I learnt alot and don't regret it , there has to be a cut off point . Get the Amo and get the hell out .

Its so self damaging to keep looking , dont you find ?

I remember you telling me how you got the passwords , is there anything you can do to get it changed without him knowing youv'e been snooping .

I did it with an ex and finally had to tell them , look I have the password , please change it and goodbye .

the next BF , he left his gmail open and I had a good read ... .all the evidence I needed , I couldn't stop though and 2 weeks after , my internet went down in my apt and I lost the access , I was relieved in truth as I just knew it was hurting me and feeding my obsession .

Wishing you well .

x
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« Reply #51 on: March 29, 2010, 08:32:25 PM »

Johnny and Poppy the spying did become a major obsession. I was so used to it, it was actually becoming a normal part of my routine. Not only was it an obsession but a habit. Which has made it hard to break. I agree it is time to end this at some point. I tried quite a while ago and yet still got sucked back in. However, I do not want to block FB. I like FB too much as far as keeping in touch with my current friends (planning things is very convinient when you create an fb event page), as well as old friends and family members. I am going to try to kick this without blocking the site or without changing his password. I think I can do this. I'm focusing on my dance troupe I'm part of and need to get myself together, and enjoy my time with my friends and the new guy I'm seeing.
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« Reply #52 on: March 30, 2010, 04:43:20 AM »

OK, since I actually did exactly what you did and since I've stopped I know exactly how this feels Shopgirl. However, once I did stop, and did it kinda a naughty way because I told her "you know what, change yer passwords luv" and for a couple of days I was a bit itchy but actually there was more just sheer relief. The more I cut her off, gmail lights, facebook, emails etc, the more I could focus on me.

I really think that's the only trick here, focusing on yourself so much that actually it feels weird cos you've never been so selfish. Buying myself nice food and clothes, going to the gym, setting goals in weight, setting personal goals (I started to learn to drive) applying for new jobs, and bit by bit the successes of those efforts begin to show and you can start to feel better and better about yourself.

Imagine you have a flashlight, your ability to get over this is really the ability to just turn your arm thru a 180. He is not the keeper of your happiness, what he is doing, finding out whatever you do, is actually only going to make your mind crazy, even if he is sat in all day eating cheetos today, if he goes out on dates and you find out you're gonna feel like crap. And your dates will be nowhere because you spend your days checking up on him.

I had a horrible dream last night about death and other things. We get 70-80 years on this planet, I've already done 30, I've only got 40 left, and they zip past these years, we are wasting our days... .that become weeks... .that become months... .on unproductive and actually hurtful and harmful obsessions. This is your life.
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Interestedparty
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« Reply #53 on: March 30, 2010, 08:38:14 AM »

I really think that's the only trick here, focusing on yourself so much that actually it feels weird cos you've never been so selfish. Buying myself nice food and clothes, going to the gym, setting goals in weight, setting personal goals (I started to learn to drive) applying for new jobs, and bit by bit the successes of those efforts begin to show and you can start to feel better and better about yourself.

Absolutely! That is what I did. When things happen that upset you... .time to pamper yourself in whatever way makes you feel good. It works EVERY time. Guaranteed.

Excerpt
I had a horrible dream last night about death and other things. We get 70-80 years on this planet, I've already done 30, I've only got 40 left, and they zip past these years, we are wasting our days... .that become weeks... .that become months... .on unproductive and actually hurtful and harmful obsessions. This is your life.

NEVER A TRUER WORD SAID TURTLESOUP!
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shopgirl
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« Reply #54 on: March 30, 2010, 10:30:52 AM »

Turtlesoup and Interestedparty thank you that is excellent advice. Despite getting wrapped up in this mess, I can be really intuitive when it comes to him and love interests in general. I have  dreams, feelings, etc, where people will think I'm crazy for them and there will be no basis and then I will come to find out I was spot on. Even with the latest victim, there was no concrete evidence that something had or was going on between them. Nothing overly flirty said, and he was flirting with other people, yet in my gut I knew there was something there. Just the fact he was even contacting her, I knew he had some interest. So now my feelings were correct. I woke up with this gut feeling there's been a new developement with them. My initial thought was to spy. I decided to come here instead. So glad I did come here, to such useful suggestions, and encouraging words. Thank you so much. You all have been a huge help. It's not that I don't have friends/family support, it's that they are so damn fed up with him (and don't get the whole BPD thing other than my counsellor friend).
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #55 on: March 30, 2010, 11:10:44 AM »

Turtlesoup and Interestedparty thank you that is excellent advice. Despite getting wrapped up in this mess, I can be really intuitive when it comes to him and love interests in general. I have  dreams, feelings, etc, where people will think I'm crazy for them and there will be no basis and then I will come to find out I was spot on. Even with the latest victim, there was no concrete evidence that something had or was going on between them. Nothing overly flirty said, and he was flirting with other people, yet in my gut I knew there was something there. Just the fact he was even contacting her, I knew he had some interest. So now my feelings were correct. I woke up with this gut feeling there's been a new developement with them. My initial thought was to spy. I decided to come here instead. So glad I did come here, to such useful suggestions, and encouraging words. Thank you so much. You all have been a huge help. It's not that I don't have friends/family support, it's that they are so damn fed up with him (and don't get the whole BPD thing other than my counsellor friend).

Great, keep it up. If you can just not snoop on your own thats wonderful. For me, at that time, i knew if i didnt tell her I would continue to look, having that ability at that time for me was too strong. I knew if i told her she'd change them and she did so in nano seconds. Mine is actually so crazy that she told me her passwords and then forgot she did, she was quite shocked when she realised. That led to loong period of mutual NC an I dont think its cos she was mad at me, I think its cos she knew she was rumbled, there was a whole lotta dirt in thos mails and facebook messages.

It was wonderful that I had that information in one way, because I know, not read about it somewhere or heard about it from here, but I knew, first hand, what she was up to without suspecting it. But i dont need to know anymore, I know enough!
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poppybb
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« Reply #56 on: March 30, 2010, 11:59:44 AM »

Turtlesoup and Interestedparty thank you that is excellent advice. Despite getting wrapped up in this mess, I can be really intuitive when it comes to him and love interests in general. I have  dreams, feelings, etc, where people will think I'm crazy for them and there will be no basis and then I will come to find out I was spot on. Even with the latest victim, there was no concrete evidence that something had or was going on between them. Nothing overly flirty said, and he was flirting with other people, yet in my gut I knew there was something there. Just the fact he was even contacting her, I knew he had some interest. So now my feelings were correct. I woke up with this gut feeling there's been a new developement with them. My initial thought was to spy. I decided to come here instead. So glad I did come here, to such useful suggestions, and encouraging words. Thank you so much. You all have been a huge help. It's not that I don't have friends/family support, it's that they are so damn fed up with him (and don't get the whole BPD thing other than my counsellor friend).

It was wonderful that I had that information in one way, because I know, not read about it somewhere or heard about it from here, but I knew, first hand, what she was up to without suspecting it. But i dont need to know anymore, I know enough!

I agree , its very helpful to see it written in black and white in front of you.

I am someone who loves denial , so to read emails was the turning point for me, as heart breaking as they were .

This very morning , my ex bf has been stepping up contact and weve been hanging a little bit , hence, ive been super suspicious something has gone down with the other woman , whilst he was in the bathroom , i opened his blackberry and searched for her name and forwarded the last email she had sent him to my address... .i deleted the forward after ...  

having read it now , its exactly as i suspected and all the evidence i need to cut NC again ... .

the woman is going thru what i went thru last year and is confused etc ... .but not my problem ... .

the irony is this time he didn't lie , he told me they were broken up , she was upset , he threw all love etc at me ... .

i need to stay strong as i was doing pretty good before he crept back a week ago... .

to cut contact again im wondering whether to  send a brief email or speak face to face ... .email right ?  ?


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shopgirl
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« Reply #57 on: March 30, 2010, 02:33:31 PM »

Turtle and Poppy icam. I've found it so useful seeing the stuff in black and white. I'm so glad I know the info I do (even if it has been hurtful). So Turtle your ex wasn't mad when she found out  ?. I guess that doesn't really surprise me. I think mine would actually get off on knowing I was snooping. I used to tease him about how he relished in his ex being so "crazy" (she was a cutter and wrote his name in blood). Poppy be careful, take everything he says with a grain of salt. I'm sending staying strong vibes your way. Remember he's only going to show you    on his terms. As soon as you show it back he'll take that    and throw it back in your face.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #58 on: March 30, 2010, 02:39:05 PM »

Turtle and Poppy icam. I've found it so useful seeing the stuff in black and white. I'm so glad I know the info I do (even if it has been hurtful). So Turtle your ex wasn't mad when she found out  ?. I guess that doesn't really surprise me. I think mine would actually get off on knowing I was snooping. I used to tease him about how he relished in his ex being so "crazy" (she was a cutter and wrote his name in blood). Poppy be careful, take everything he says with a grain of salt. I'm sending staying strong vibes your way. Remember he's only going to show you    on his terms. As soon as you show it back he'll take that    and throw it back in your face.

Oh no, she pretended to be mad but quickly as the dawning realisation of what I must have read sunk in she just disappeared instead.
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Lost in Wonderland
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« Reply #59 on: March 30, 2010, 03:48:56 PM »

Hi shopgirl... .This is the 1st time I am posting to this board.  My BPDbf left the house after our last physical fight last Thursday and I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel!

I am soo terrified of the day he may get another "victim"  I dunno... .It's horrible to say especially since he has been so violent towards me... .I still love him.  I am so afraid of the day he completely cuts me off and starts a new life with a new "victim"... .I thought I would feel releaved, but I am not as happy and releved he is gone as I should be.

I still remember when I became the new "victim" ... His ex used to call and say how she wanted to talk to him... he would ignore her... .She came by his house 2 times when I was there... .he didn't answer the door... .He told me I was so much more important than she was. I was the woman she could never be... .made me feel so cherished and loved... .Put me HIGH on that Pedestal... .

Just remember, It's short lived... .Do you remember when YOU were the new "victim"?  How did he act?  He made you feel like you were the most important and perfect woman for him, right?

And sweetie at the time... .(I have learned to accept this) HE DID feel that way... .But he felt that way about others before me... .and I know (if I want to believe it or not)... He WILL feel that way again... .But Deep down I KNOW what and who he will turn into...   :'(

Your ex's infatuation with this new girl will wear off and he will eventually knock her right of the Pedestal he's putting her on... .Then, Where does that leave her?  She will be as stunned and shocked as we all have been ... .Maybe even finding this website for Support  x.  In a way I feel sorry she dosn't know what she is getting herself into.   

So hold on... .take a deep breathe and we can try to remember together the damage they have caused ... .To us, Before us, and the damage they will cause after us.  We are better without them right? Hold strong sweetie... .  x  ~ LIW
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