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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Help I'm feeling jelous about the new victim and competitive  (Read 5798 times)
shopgirl
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« on: March 24, 2010, 04:20:11 PM »

Hi everyone,

  I don't post very often. I mainly lurk. One of the reasons I rarely post is because I feel embarassed. I have a couple confessions to make. 1 is that I'm still in contact with my uexBPD. The longest we've gone is about 36 days (getting close to setting a new record any day now). I also feel some shame because I've contacted him a few times, and I keep responding to his contacts. There's one more biggie. I've done something really bad... .I have access to his email and fb. I spy all the time  Being cool (click to insert in post)(hangs head). I know it's wrong, before  him I was always discouraging my friends from snooping. I don't know what's happened to my morals. Yet I'm so releaved I have the info I do. There have been a few times where he's contacted me with some message about how much he misses me ect. My heart will fill up with happiness (pathetic I know). My head will say (and my friends) wait a minute this probably is more about him feeling lonely than about you. So I'll snoop, and sure enough I'll find out he's also messaged other past victims. And you wanna hear something really sad. I'll actually get some satisfaction from the fact that the messages to me seem the most heartfelt/intimate.

So I got a Valentines contact. It was a pretty intense one, he was talking about how much he missed me, how he thought he could find the same love but it be accesseable (we were ldr), and how that was a mistake, how miserable he is without me. Oh and this gem "I think, you are definitely one of the only worthy of my complete and utter devotion". I was curious to see if he'd messaged others. Sure enough he did. His other contacts have been more general. Hi how've you been kinda things. Then I check to see if he's message anyone else after my response to his message and he did. His latest victim who apparently wasn't paying him enough attention after he acted like she meant nothing to him. His message to her was even more heartfelt than mine. He even brought up in the message how he hasn't felt this way about someone since when him and I first started talking. I was so sad when I read the message. I felt jealous cause, it was more heartfelt than what he wrote me or has ever written me. He even used one of my lines in the subject heading  and said some of the same stuff he used to say about me  . It just really feels like I meant nothing. It's driving me crazy cause, she is everything I'm not. She seems so perfect for him. I can't help it I'm jealous. Plus I feel competitive like, I want thing to progress with the guy I'm seeing before things do with them. Like this sick feeling of competition like, whatever we're going to become a couple before they do. Ughh I know it's messed up. Sorry this is so long... .
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innerspirit
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« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2010, 04:40:41 PM »

Hi shopgirl -- THANK YOU for posting this, putting into words the thoughts, if not the deeds, that a lot of us share.

So difficult to break the addiction.  When with the BP (diagnosed or not), it's Major BigTime Drama; when it's over, seemingly regardless of who broke it off,  it's what happened to all the Earth-Shaking Drama?  :)id it just dissipate into thin air?  Seems to be on a lot of our minds lately.

Spring fever perhaps?

And I think it gets down to at least Some Activity is better than none, when we're feeling so empty.  Trying to make things better, trying to figure them out, trying to keep the peace, trying to make things fair all become such energy-sapping preoccupations.  It's MIND-BLOWING when it stops or just goes down to a trickle.

I had scheduled one final Marriage Counseling appt. in hopes that he'd see the light at last.  He didn't.  So I had to announce it was over.  X sobbed on the couch, wiped his tears away and asked the Marriage Counselor when it was legal for him to start dating  -- not when it was moral, ethical, much less healthy.  This from the guy who swore he'd never cheat on me -- perhaps he didn't -- but he sure had someone waiting in the hallway.

When we got home, he confessed that he had lied and hidden stuff from his Psychiatrist.

With those issues "cleared up" for him, his pursuit of me have been minimal.  Yeah there's stuff that I hear thru the grapevine, but over time, that stuff just seems stupid and not worth my time to react to.

I think it helps to have in mind a sense of blinders, like what horses wear to keep them from being distracted by what's happening in the lane next to them.  Find your passions -- especially non-romantic ones! -- the interests that really absorb you, and make it about you.

When you've recovered enough from this relationship, you won't care whose winning the race -- and you'll be more ready for a healthier one.  Easier said than done, I know, but I know you wouldn't want to be used by someone else who needed to quickly prove a point to his X.  The better you feel on your own, the better you'll be down the road for a relationship not based on competition.  That is really a better gift to yourself -- even if he's playing the game, you don't have to.  
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arees

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« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2010, 04:41:25 PM »

Think about it - why would you want to be with this guy? Wouldn't you spend your whole life snooping", because you know he's going to have a backup plan?

He's making you feel grateful for his attention (such as it is) and trying to prove how many people want him.

Then he'll break you down to try and stop you leaving, until he changes his mind and throws you away.

Honey, you must stop. You must remove/block him from your facebook etc etc because there is no possible good outcome to this.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2010, 04:46:34 PM »

They are massive copycats and I know it hurts when you find your words in emails to others.

These people are just really damaged and I try to remember that as much as possible but it doesn't kill the pain of what you once thought was the love of your life now giving you snippets of information while they live their lives away from you like nothing has changed or nothing went before.

I also had access to my exBPD facebook and email, I told her at the end of January I had these and requested she changed her passwords. Never have I seen that woman move so fast. After she knew this she gave up, she knew I knew everything. Her now reasons for us ending of course is that she couldn't trust me, it had nothing to do with her lying and infidelities. Do not beat yourself up over this. I have never done this to a past girlfriend, but then I was never made to feel like I didnt have a clue what ws going on. She would often tell me people at work fancied her, she would then not answer her phone for a few days and of course Id be thinking they were at it. Maybe they were, maybe they werent but it was all a game, it is all a game with these people and the only way for them to be winning seems to be if we are losing. There is no stability or equality.

YOu couldn't be more better off, like I said yesterday, it is THEIR loss.
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shopgirl
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« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2010, 05:00:36 PM »

Thank  you all so much for your responses.

innerspirit I am trying to focus on my passions. I am part of a dance troupe, I've been focusing a lot of my attention on that. I'm also trying to work on some of my issues. I know it shouldn't be a race. I'm glad I've recognised that. The new guy I'm involved with, is someone I've liked for a long time. I actually met him before my uBPDxbf but, he was not single at the time.

arees I know you are right. I have not wanted to be with him since shortly after we broke up. I know it could never work out with us. One of my friends who has her MA in counselling suspected even before we broke up that he is BPD. I did research and I was lucky enough to find this board shortly after we broke up. In my mind I know he is not right and we could never be right. My heart still feels for him in some ways, and i am still weening myself off the addiction to his empty words.



turtlesoup
I've been weirded out by the copycat thing. He even used a nickname on a dating site that was one I basically gave him. My ex always used to tell me about all the women after him at school. So it's interesting to hear yours did the same thing. It's also conforting to know you also did the fb email thing as well.

Also I'm curious,

Has anyone found they are messed up in their new relationships? I feel like my sense of what is normal is all skewed. The new guy I seeing is so nice, he is so calm and laid back. It suprises me when he's so nice. I also find myself frustrated because he isn't all about the declarations of love and compliments, so to me I feel like  Oh I guess he's not that interested. He's not moving fast so it feels like maybe he doesn't like me that much. When in actuality he's probably just healthy.

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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2010, 06:56:57 PM »

Shopgirl, Why are in you a new relationship when you are still so far in the old that it consumes you? At the rate you are going, it may take you two more years to heal from this.

That new relationship that seems so healthy, will eventually turn sour because of your obsession with the old.  It is unwise to overlap relationships when you are consumed in this state. You need time to undo the obsession- and you cant do that with the two simultaneous relationships going on- one physically and the other renting space in your head.

Right now, you need to be alone and sort it all out. Otherwise, you're missing a fantastic opportunity to learn about yourself- AND you will be no different than your ex when it comes to hiding secrets and pretending things are better than they are-with the new guy.

You must overcome your need to check up on, your ex- (who appears btw to be a Narcissist) first- before a new relationship. You must understand him, yourself and then why you overlooked so many hurtful things that this person did to you.  I understand, Narcissists are fascinating people- they move like sharks that never sleep and they seek attention from any source. They are garbage eaters and not discerning. I'm sure you have access to some questionable emails that prove it.

Think of a Narcissist like a fisherman on a boat in the middle of the Ocean, with no intention of landing a fish for good. It's all about the fishing.  Sure, he may land a few fish, but he has no intention of quitting after a catch, even with a pile of fish, gasping, at his feet.

If a fish does boat herself, thinking that she's a catch! and he'd be lucky to have her- she will die there.  A narcissist keeps 20 hooks going at the same time, even when they get tangled up with each other. (It's not about the fish- it's about the act of fishing) (It's not about you or me- it's about the attention we give) And yes, he'll do and say whatever it takes to bait the hook- even stealing words and phrases. These people have no true identity and steal bits and pieces from others.  Whatever it takes. They are pathological.

Hopefully, you can read up on Narcissism. The constant need for attention is due to his feelings of low self-esteem, so he sends out messages (narcissistic impulses) to prove he still has it together. When people respond, even in anger, it is proof to him that he exists and has power. It is also a form of support to his crumbling ego. He needs. You provide the attention. Don't sacrifice yourself to his Need.  Life has better plans for you.

Please understand that the new catch and you are the same fishfry. There is no "better than" unless one fish flops and gasps higher and louder than the other. That is the lesson you come to at the center of the obsession. That cluster B people USE people like objects.  You are disposable. Figuring this out places you at the center, the NEXUS of your obsession. There is no turning back.  You have to move forward with this information and knowledge that you were used.  If it's any consolation, the new girl is being used as well.  There is never a true love story with a Narcissist- he will continue to send out emails even behind her back. You dont want to be with a person like that.

You need time to work on yourself now and the start of this is- to let go of access to his email account. Changing the password will alert him that the account has been compromised. Then you can begin to let go and concentrate on your own healing.  Narcissist's are traumatizing to us- you may have some PTSD for awhile.  If you are afraid of being alone- figure out why. The more you confront your own fears- the less you will think about trying to change the unchangeable, notably someone else's problems... .

It has to be done. x


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innerspirit
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« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2010, 07:19:43 PM »

I read that it's more typical of a Narcissist (NPD) than a borderline to move automatically to another relationship.  I suppose that means the Narcissist has the ego blown-up enough that he readily moves on; the borderline more typically is deflated by the loss.

Doesn't a game of keeping up take us back somewhat to high school?  I'll admit though, since I never liked the girl who had pursued my X for so long (and I HAD met her, rather than my X, in high school), it was easier to dismiss the whole idea.  They pretty much deserve each other.  Frankly, easier to ignore than if I felt I had something to be really jealous of.  And to top it off, when X and I were still together, she was "just friends" with him -- if that's so, that was cool with me -- but she took him out shopping so they could freshen up MY wardrobe.  Gee thanks.  Ughh.  

It kind of sucks to be the bigger person  -- who's not going to win the struggle with the BP significant other.  And who knows, if you found yourself in a committed relationship soon enough to beat him at the game -- chances are he'd find some way in his own mind to put the spotlight back on himself.

You're the person who can stop your own sense of one-upping each other, for your own sake.  Bottom line, it's about taking back your own power, that your self-esteem doesn't depend on him or a comparison with him.

Your subject line (Help!) indicates that you know that and you're healing.
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Beast98
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« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2010, 07:24:04 PM »

Shopgirl, I say this with the most sincere intentions, because I'm the king of residual contact and I understand... .

The most troubling thing I see in your writing is the incessant use of the word 'heartfelt', when referring to his words. Get that out of your mind. Heartfelt as we understand it, doesn't exist in their mindset. It's all manipulative BS designed to take you to an emotional place that services their immediate needs.

Now, if you want to take the attitude that you want to be BS'd more and better than the other victims, well that's cool too. Just make sure you know what it really is.  x
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innerspirit
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« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2010, 07:50:19 PM »

Hi Beast -- and hi again Shopgirl --

Your point about "heartfelt" resonates here.  I found myself ratcheting up X's sincerity and depth of feeling for me, to help justify myself.  It was to excuse or cover up how messed up the whole thing had gotten in my head, that I frankly had stayed too long.  Somehow if I said "heartfelt", I was trying to portray things as "normal" and I'd be less embarrassed.  I was confiding to my close friends, over and over -- the details would change but the sick situation was the same.   Several had told me "it was all about him" -- I didn't want to believe it, so I was trying to find ways to convince myself that it wasn't so.

I read somewhere that the subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality, that the chemicals aroused are quite similar.  So the sense of "residual contact", I think, sticks around in our heads, regardless of whether the contact is real or not.  And if the In-Person Drama has been pulled away, I think our addicted heads create fantasies to compensate for it.
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Cath
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« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2010, 08:23:34 PM »

Hi Shopgirl,

Sort of following on from what Beast98 said, the way pwBPD experience emotions and read the emotions of others really is so different it's hard to get our heads round it sometimes... .Our inclination is always to interpret their words and actions according to our emotional norms. So we imagine that because they re-use words we have said to them, they must be thinking of us when they say them or that when they present us with conflicting emotions we concentrate on the ones we want to believe in, not the ones we don't. And because we are given so much conflicting information, we keep sorting it and sorting it into different patterns ('He loves me' 'He loves me not' ad infinitum... .) It's natural for us to think like that, because the relationship is so confusing, but that way madness lies. You won't get any closure by analysing his messages, but you'll feel better if you work towards closure for you.

If it helps, I was in your position for several months, feeling jealous of the new 'victim' and huge loss of self-esteem as a result. I spent a long time wondering how real his feelings for me were compared to his feelings for her; still find myself thinking about it sometimes... .I really feel for you right now, going through this. But be assured that his new relationship won't last unless she sacrifices her sanity to his. Neither of them can make the other happy in the long run. She's not better than you (he probably doesn't think in those terms anyway, except in so far as his own needs are being met, as 2010 suggests). He won't get better through any relationship unless he gets significant professional help.

If he's keeping you as a fall-back relationship, you only stand to lose. You know he can move from one person to another in a heartbeat when his disorder dictates. The one advantage you have in having checked his networking sites is that you *know* he's playing you. Don't speculate too much on the reasons for it, but on the fact that he is. He can't be constant to you, or anyone else, enough to have a healthy relationship.

I know it's tough, but you probably know all this already in your heart.

Stay strong and take care of you,

Cath





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DAS
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« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2010, 09:11:07 PM »

Honey, you must stop. You must remove/block him from your facebook etc etc because there is no possible good outcome to this.

This. The temptation of seeing what they are up to is strong. But, since it will never reflect the thing that you want - that they are being loyal to you or that they are just as distraught as you - it will probably just end up hurting more... .
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innerspirit
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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2010, 09:26:43 PM »

This. The temptation of seeing what they are up to is strong. But, since it will never reflect the thing that you want - that they are being loyal to you or that they are just as distraught as you - it will probably just end up hurting more... .

Yeah and it's hard to say this but sometimes it just felt like craving the pain.  Maybe some reaction, any reaction would hurt less than being ignored?

This is powerful stuff we're getting over.

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rosebud
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« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2010, 09:50:10 PM »

This. The temptation of seeing what they are up to is strong. But, since it will never reflect the thing that you want - that they are being loyal to you or that they are just as distraught as you - it will probably just end up hurting more... .

Yeah and it's hard to say this but sometimes it just felt like craving the pain.  Maybe some reaction, any reaction would hurt less than being ignored?

This is powerful stuff we're getting over.

So true.  It's crazy making. 
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« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2010, 07:42:02 AM »

Shopgirl, I discovered the same night that my uBPDh asked me to move in with him over lunch, he asked another woman out on a date. Can we spell L-O-S-E-R? Fortunately, that smart girl strung him along for weeks, must have been suspicious, and never did go out with him.

As the 'honeymoon' phase died out for me (as it would consider ingthe horrible revelations that kept smacking me in the face,) I read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft (you can check it out free at any library.)

I discovered my uBPDh considers himself a player. And the thing about the player personality is that they WANT you to be jealous of all the other women (I'm wondering, does he know you have his passwords? And, if so, why didn't he change them?) They WANT you to be insecure -- because it's just massive ego strokes for them.

They WANT you to be jealous and verbally and viciously attack the other women (which is exactly what would happen if you got back with him, right?) Ego strokes, ego strokes, ego strokes. It's mental masturbation for them, playing with your mind. What stuns them is when a woman actually calls them on it. But believe me, calling them on it does NOT, will NOT, cure them of their complete BS nature.

Start reading now. Save yourself from being some guys mental porn. Good luck.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2010, 07:53:33 AM »

Shopgirl, I discovered the same night that my uBPDh asked me to move in with him over lunch, he asked another woman out on a date. Can we spell L-O-S-E-R? Fortunately, that smart girl strung him along for weeks, must have been suspicious, and never did go out with him.

Wow, so it wasnt just me. I found out my ex asked me to move in with her then after that went onto Gmail and sent an email to her telling him she was in love with him

I hate these people, sorry, but i do,
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shopgirl
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« Reply #15 on: March 25, 2010, 04:45:26 PM »

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your responses. They've been so helpful. Iwill respond to specific comments later. I'm just getting ready to leave for work. One thing I want to clarify is that I do not want to be with him. I know I deserve better. I've known it could never work out for us within about 2 weeks of us breaking up. I would never go back to him. I know it would only  be good for a while before he just devastated me all over again. I have my own sense, this board, and my great friends and family to thank for that. I know my continuing this obsession is not healthy, it just keeps the contact, it makes me compare, makes me feel bad, and is not healthy. One of the reasons I had to confide  in you all with what's been going oln is because I want to move forward. I want to heal more and be rid of this obsession. The reason I say she is better (new victim) is that there are things about her that are better for him. The qualities that I lacked that I felt really bothered him, she posesses. I don't actually think she is better than me, she is different not necessarily better. I know he is an attention whore and that part of the reason he's into her so "deeply" now is because he discarded her and she seemingly moved on. And he has worked desperately to "win" her back. I've even mentioned to him how he is a fan collector. I've brought it up on more than one occassion (much to his annoyance  Smiling (click to insert in post))

I just want you guys to know, I am trying. I'm looking at the self esteem issues I have, and the things I need to fix in my life. I feel the urge to move faster with the new guy but, we've been taking it slow. We've been dating for 3 months. I didn't date anyone for 6 months after my uBPDxbf dumped me. I spent a lot of time healing. I can see now from your responses and my post that I still need a lot of work. I don't feel like I need a relationship to be happy. I really need to focus on this guy for the right reasons though. It needs to be about us and how we gel. Not about my ex and competition and not about my age (my 29th b day is next month). I just also don't want to give up on the new guy because, he is a great guy and I really like him. He is someone I've had a thing for, for a long time (we have mutual friends but he was in a relationship before).
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« Reply #16 on: March 26, 2010, 06:11:14 AM »

This was on the "Getting Past Your Past" blog yesterday. I think it's really helpful to think of this anytime we start to feel jealous of the new victim, especially in instances where emotional or physical cheating took place:

www.gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2010/03/25/fidelity-again/
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« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2010, 07:57:40 AM »

ShopGirl, thanks so much for your honesty.  I see a lot of myself and my relationship and my handling of it in your post.

Like you, I am still obsessed with him.  I don't want HIM, but damned straight, I want to know what is going on with him.

I ask myself why, and I am not sure I have all the answers, but here are some of them:  I want to see if he crashes and burns in his new relationship, I want to know that he is okay, I love him to this day and care about him regardless of how disordered he is and how much he hurt me, I am still addicted to the drama.  It is a way to distract myself from the rest of my life, good or bad as it may be at any given moment.

I'm working on all of this, and I know you are too.  I look forward to the day that I don't check on the discussion board he frequents for some clue as to what's going on in his personal life.

But for now, I do, and I'm not quite sure how to stop.  And to think I always thought that I'd be the one better equipped to walk away, because he seemed so over-the-top into me.  Maybe not so much.   

Hang in there.

VanessaG

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WayneB73
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« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2010, 08:05:37 AM »

i can understand any one feeling like this, try not to though, one day  the same will happen to the next victum...

i'm home early from work yet again and started on the bozz, and this is 4 months after the split... don't feel bad because you feel upset, just try and be strong for you...
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innerspirit
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« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2010, 09:03:26 AM »

It is a way to distract myself from the rest of my life, good or bad as it may be at any given moment... .

I look forward to the day that I don't check on the discussion board he frequents for some clue as to what's going on in his personal life.

Great post!  Thanks.

I think a lot of us probably want to be a fly on the wall, to prove to ourselves that the disordered behavior kicks in (eventually) with anyone they hook up with.  It's confirmation that 1) it did happen; and 2) it will happen.

And the distraction comment is right on target -- it's the flip side of losing ourselves in the relationship I think.  So much of our attention had to be on X to stay above water, but at least for me, it became something of an obsession which distracted me from me.  So just as I looked for clues in his behavior to try to figure him out and find a way to make things change, the same habit could absorb my psychic energy now.  It's why I simply don't want to hear about him at this point but it's taken a while to get there.  And that in itself feels different -- it's not "whatever you do, don't think about an elephant" anymore, there's not energy being poured towards that resistance.  It's letting go and getting back to the present.  A process, that's for sure -- and awareness helps us get there.  When there's some news thru the grapevine, I can feel my mind start to "crank" on it again.

Meditation has helped -- the image of thoughts as clouds that pass, not to be judged but just to observe them from a more neutral distance.
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« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2010, 09:14:21 AM »

Gads, Innerspirit, you're so right.  All of it.  Thank you.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yoga captures me so (although I confess that when our yogi asked us to set an intention for yesterday's practice, I came up with "disengagement" and "letting go" and that was about youknowwho) that I really should try meditation in a more formal way.

Do you recommend any books/websites?

(Sorry for the mini-hijack.)

This healing comes in waves for me.  Doing fine for several days, steady upward climb, then bam, a couple of days of nutty googling and thinking and lying awake.  Then more healing, then a backslide.  I have a ridiculously busy mind and it will latch on anything to be occupied. 

Boy, I have some serious work to do on ME!

VanessaG

PS  Was it Socrates who said the unexamined life was not worth living?  Hell, he'd be so <bleeping> proud of me!  And let's not limit it to OUR life; I'm happy to examine other peoples' too.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Relationship status: (after 19-yr. marriage) separated 12/08, divorce settlement reached 1/11, NC
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« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2010, 09:22:01 AM »

It's funny that the words PAY IT FORWARD are printed just below the unexamined life quote.  Damn, I can put the brakes on examining for quite a while!  That psychic energy could power up a small town.

Seriously though meditation has helped me get out of my working-overtime head.  I realize that when I type meditation, I often do a typo -- mediation.  Mediation would have helped -- it's meditation to recover from the lack of it.

I have a friend who teaches meditation and she gave me some insight yesterday from a book called BUDDHA'S BRAIN.  The thesis of the book is meditation as a means to change the neural "wiring" of habitual emotional response -- sounds like it would be right on target --

Gotta get to work now, but will write more later... .

Thanks for posting
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innerspirit
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« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2010, 09:31:42 AM »

Am celebrating a bright sunny day here with the crocuses coming up in the neighborhood -- one of my favorite times of the year.  It's like they're saying "we're small, we're mighty and we're BACK!"  And I like the parable, that the flowers coming up from bulbs so naturally push thru what remains of previous years.  Business as usual for them when the time is right... .
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sandyb
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« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2010, 09:43:02 AM »



Innerspirit


I too am staring through the window, the view of Mount Leinster shrouded in cloud is amazing.

It has been there every day, I forgot how to look and appreciate what was there all this time.

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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shopgirl
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« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2010, 01:05:16 PM »

Thank you thank you all. I'm so glad I've become more active here. I wasn't coming here as much becuase, for a while I wasn't spying as much (it goes in waves). Not to say I wasn't spying, it just goes in waves where it's more obsessive, and also times where there is not a new victim, the info I find isn't so interesting. Anyway, the comment about distracting from my own life rings so true. I have a lot of work to do. Work I had to do before him. I have another confession... .my room is a disaster. I actually have my BA in psych (which makes me shake my head even more at my situation. I learned about BPD in class) however, I'm not really using my degree. I'm working a bunch of part time jobs. I love my main job, which is childminding and teaching dance. They are not enough money though, and they don't really incorporate my education. Of course I use skills I learned in school but, it doesn't use my education on a meaningful level. Plus, I am in my very late 20s and I'm not financially stable, I live at home where I pay room and board. So in a lot of ways I feel like a failure. I have acomplished a lot but, there's also a lot I haven't that at my age I'm behind (in terms of societal norms). So I defintely had issues before him. Yet he motivated me. He inspired me to want more, to be more. He is very driven. When we first got together we both seemed so inspired. I remember when he was breaking up with me, he felt like he was so inspired and then wasn't anymore. And that we hadn't accomplished what he thought we would have by then. I actually see his point. He inspired me so much to make changes, move forward, and yet I didn't really. He lived two hours away from me. So I devoted a huge chunk of my energy, myself, my thoughts into making it work. Through scheduling shifts (big challenge since I work 3-5 diff jobs), driving down there, phone calls ect.

So I totally get what people mean about the energy and the distraction. I also get where you are all coming with the weather. It is a beautiful Spring day here. Full of clowds and blue skies. I woke up inspired today. I have the day off so, I slept in. I had to come on here right away. I feel so good today. I am ready, I've felt ready before, but, i know I must kick this habit. I decided to do my final spy. My feeling of needing to was validated. My uBPDx and his new victim are both on seperate vacations. Based on what I just read, things are going to go to the next level where they will become official. For my well being, I need to not be privy to this info. I have to move on for my sanity. I'm not going to change his password though. I will feel so proud of myself if I can do it without changing his password.

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shopgirl
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« Reply #25 on: March 26, 2010, 01:11:27 PM »

I decided to break this into two posts. I'm very long winded, and I know reading long posts can be daunting.

No one needs to apologize if they hijack this thread. Feel free to hijack. I've noticed that is a common theme on this board. I don't mind the hijacking. I look forward to it. It helps hearing everyones stories and what they are going through.

Also I don't remember who asked but, I have the access because, when we were together he gave me his password to his laptop. Once in a while he also had me check his school email for him. I remembered having a convo about passwords and telling him mine, and us laughing about how we pretty much use the same one or variation for everything. So that is how I gained access. Someone also mentioned maybe he knows I look. I've wondered about that too. There was an email he sent  to someone. It was almost too perfect. It completely validated me. It was what I'd been looking for. Someone who hadn't talked to him for a while was like I heard you were pretty serious with someone. He told that person was no longer with me but, went on to talk about how great I am, and his reason for breaking up with me was what he told me, the distance, and also mentioned not wanting to settle down because he wasn't sure where he was going to end up (as in after graduating). So that email was what I was looking for. I think it was after that email that I went on a stint where I wasn't spying. If only I stuck with it, continued to do me, and avoided his s, and not self ed.
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KHat
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Relationship status: married as of Jan 2012
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« Reply #26 on: March 26, 2010, 01:34:34 PM »

After I began reading this forum I realized that an exbf from years back was probably NPD.  Certain threads like this one recall stuff he said to me.

There was a time when he tried to  me (although we weren't involved romantically for a long time, I was happier with NC and yet would still meet him for lunch every 6 months or so.  Having been over him, I saw no harm in it but my friends who understood better than I did how damaged he was would give me hell for not completely excising him from my life).  Anyway, this time (he married for the fourth time after we ended) he told me he had an affair with a stripper in Vegas "ONLY because" she reminded him of me.  He genuinely thought that somehow that would get me back with him.  Who can follow that logic?

He seriously thought that marrying someone - and someone he met while I was in his life and he claimed to love me - was not an impediment to my dating him.  I found him so amusingly disturbed.  It was like, back when his true nature started to show, something that felt anything for him flipped in my head and I was over him ... .although getting over the attention was admittedly harder.  It was fun to be pursued so much after such a dead marriage.

I haven't heard from him in about six months and haven't spoken with him in about nine.  The last  was too hard to resist:  years ago, when his father fell ill, I promised to write him a eulogy, and when that happened last spring, I felt obligated to come through.  Maybe he's successfully moved onto his next victim, or maybe he finally respects my relationship (or maybe a little of both).  He's the only person from my past that my current BF has any issue with, and I'm happy to be out of contact.  Reading all of this post makes me grateful I didn't know what else was going on with him - he was VERY secretive and dominant (think the Godfather). 

But somehow I reached a point where it just clicked - his damage did not in any way make me less worthy of love and commitment.  That moment that he went from an object of longing to an object of amusement was wonderful.  I wish it for you too.
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shopgirl
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« Reply #27 on: March 26, 2010, 01:55:31 PM »

Thanks KHat for your post, especially the  definition. I'd read it when i first joined but, I guess some how I thought it also meant trying to gain your affection/attention whether through direct contact, or indirect things such as fb or ms status changes to get a reaction out of you.

Hmm maybe I better take a look at the project I did on NPD some seem to think he's NPD as opposed to BPD.
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poppybb
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« Reply #28 on: March 26, 2010, 02:38:05 PM »

i think if you obtain access to their emails etc it can be helpful in really dissecting the BS we get subjected to . i had a similar situation , my ex bf left his gmail open on my mac . for a week i monitored and read through all the emails , and as  shopgirls experience , i to saw similar emails to other women , usage of my words etc , it broke my heart ... .but it was exactly the confirmations  i needed to start the journey to learn and help myself out of the web of toxic chaos that was he .


i pulled back and have been pretty good for 3 mths , he suddenly gets back in touch and spills undying love to me last weekend ... .i just wonder if its because he finally saw i had really started to emotionally disengage , their very smart like this , scarily so sometimes , i could feel the pull , its so dangerous , i ran to therapy this week , knowing i was getting sucked back in , its so painful ... .

i was actually starting to feel calm with him this week , thinking wow , he is making so much effort etc , but of course day 4 and he starts been tricky already , he wanted to break my spirit , he told me the girl he was seeing after me ( well during ) he constantly cheated , got pregnant, though she choose to not keep the pregnancy , it was like someone punched me in the stomach , i was so shocked ... .and that changed my mood entirely , anger , then tears , part of me thinks he wanted this , he wanted to see me sad and vunerable ... .as id been so damn tough this week prior and it was unnerving him . cruel cruel cruel ... .i hadn't considered this motive until my therapist pointed it out . it of course has brought back a lot of emotions .

i was jealous of her , having gone thru this with him may of brought them closer etc , after he had said it was me he loved etc , left me so confused . ugh .

so much of the getting sucked back in is really my need to be loved , my desire to want to feel worthy , that is the part id like to fix now , not him .

people here say that no contact is the only way to truly help yourself , that  you have to be away from the chaos that is BPD to reflect and help yourself get stronger . im trying to go back to this tactic .


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poppybb
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« Reply #29 on: March 26, 2010, 02:50:56 PM »



But somehow I reached a point where it just clicked - his damage did not in any way make me less worthy of love and commitment.  That moment that he went from an object of longing to an object of amusement was wonderful.  I wish it for you too.[/quote]
i love this quote , on a day when i have my soh in tact , i'll share with my GF's  and talk about the madness , other days i still get very sad . hopefully soon i will follow the former more than the latter .
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