Is it cheating if you are "separated"

[goldenblunder]

I know that the main reason that my wife left was so she could sleep with the new guy with a clean conscience.  Who knows if she was sleeping with him before, I just don't know.  But in her head, once she "left" it was fine.

Now this got me thinking.  Surely this can't be the case, can it?  If all one needs to do is physically leave home, and then you free to sleep with whomever, then the marriage vows don't really mean anything, right?  If you can unilaterally decide to change your status to "separated" then why wouldn't every cheater out there just do this?  I think there might be two differing schools of thought on this.

None of this really matters much, but I was just wondering what people think.  I know that I still consider myself bound by my vows until the divorce.  It was a pretty solemn promise and all.

[2010]

Ethically- yes. Legally (legal Separation)- NO. Some states have a law that require couples to live apart for at least 2 years before divorce. Other states are no-fault and dont require this.  The difference is null in the heart, when it comes down to a piece of paper-

Triangulation (read definition) is one of the choice habits of a person who lacks self awareness and self determination. It's also a keen manipulation of others- playing one off of the other. Playing victim to a bad marriage can attract many rescuers- who don't get the full story and feel emotionally responsible for saving the victim. In the interim, the victim plays the rescuer off of the persecutor- giving the rescuer a thumbs up to get further caught in the web.

Why dont all cheaters do this? Because some are full blown narcissists, and those are people that are too self-centered to lose valuable sources of attention- therefore they cheat covertly. The difference is that the marriage is hidden / or it's not used in the triangulation (read definition). You'd be surprised at how many people don't ask details when they find out... .they just assume it's a bad marriage, or they have their own narcissism, whereby they think they are all that and a bag of chips- because of the mirroring.

Either way, you cant build a foundation on someone elses tears. There's always going to be a wake-up call later, hopefully before the next person shakes the rice out of their shoes... .

[turtlesoup]

I was never married but mine would go off for 2-3 weeks at a time, just disappear, and in the middle of this claim she had been "raped", what I believe happened is she went off, had sex with random guys, maybe had a pang of conscious about it and instead of admitting what she had done would come back and claim she had been assaulted. She would even tell me off for failing to protect her. "Everytime you go away (yeah cos it was all my fault) I get assulated". This was her sentence choice.

[TonyC]

my personal experience... and no i wasnt married thank god... .

my ex was living with a guy 3 months. after i kicked her out... .

she surfaces... after nine months at my house... and wanted to get back together but she had problems with moving out... and finding her own place... cause she wasnt movin back with me...

i was born at night but not last night... .

she wanted me to stop dating and seeing other women... .while she made her move or what ever... and who knows when this would be... .

i actually had to tell her she lived with a guy... why should i make such a promise...

so... what do you think?

if she is like my ex... .what you think and she thinks... arent the same...

you do what is good for you... once she is with another guy,...

whats left of marriage vows...

[squaredots]

I know that the main reason that my wife left was so she could sleep with the new guy with a clean conscience.  Who knows if she was sleeping with him before, I just don't know.  But in her head, once she "left" it was fine.

I got two bits into your post and thought 'OMG - that's what they do' . . .

In my recent, ':)ear John' eulogy, my pay off for putting up with two and a half years of crap, she ended up saying 'It's not because I want to want to be with anyone else'. The atmosphere juddered and I checked what she said.

Next time, ten days later, we talk she says 'I thought we already talked about this . . .' I had to apologise for not realising she had already moved on so fast- idiot me - it's what they do. The ground has already been laid (ahem!) - a lie ahead of time to salve conscience. Too bad.

For the record, she did exactly the same with her previous husband - precisely so she could preserve honour and sleep with the new guy with a clean conscience. It was hubby's fault he did not fight hard enough . .  . never the BP's fault. And they say history never repeats itself. Go figure . . . sad but true.