The End and The Rebirth (trigger warning: death and suicide)

[Letloverule]

My last post was soaked in fear. It was just before New Years and I was lost on how to handle the New Years weekend. My SOwBPD was going to be home for 4 days before going back to work..how was I going to survive it. Days before, I formulated my exit plan, agreed on code words to one friend to send help if I needed it.

She promised she wouldn’t pick a fight with me. The first day or two were up and down, I could tell she was trying. She asked me what was wrong, I didn’t say I was afraid of her, how I wanted out….it wasn’t the right time. I needed to put more things in place. Instead I said I was depressed. She said I should try and talk to someone……and she even said, if any of your depression is because of me, then you need to leave. Just go. She was right…but  How was I going to tell her that? Without being thrown back in my face or worse? I kept quiet. She hugged me and said some reassuring words. I actually took in her hug…I did believe her.

I tip toed trying to keep everything in order so as not to trigger her. I took a nap for too long on Friday…I got hell for it. She calmed down and I made a nice New Year’s Eve dinner. We popped the champagne early. We toasted to figuring it out, to not be each other’s enemies….
We ate. She even wrapped her plate so she could have leftovers the next day. We relaxed on the couch. It was turning out to be a calm night. Only 1 more day and she will go back to work. We both finished the champagne but she kept taking shots of vodka. She even said she hadn’t been sleeping well so she was going to take a sleeping pill. I agreed

At 10pm, I said I’m going to call my brother. I was on my patio…and she kept drinking. An hour later, I heard her snoring in the guest room. Ah. She’s asleep. I will go to bed too. 1 more day.
I slept in the master bedroom. At 11:30, she erupted.
How dare you be asleep and not spend time with me on new years. I don’t care that I’m asleep. You don’t care. You’re evil.
I didn’t know what she wanted. She kept taking shots.
I went to the patio where she was sitting. I didn’t know what to do. It was a hopeless fight. I called a break and said I’m going to the front yard to smoke. She followed me out and continued berating me. She then said our dogs are stressed out inside, go inside at least to be with them.
We went inside and she started playing with the dogs. I went to the bedroom and bent over to find my shoes. I felt a sharp cold sting on my back. She whipped me with a wet rag. I stood up, and she whipped the side of my face that my glasses fell off. I growled and shoved her back…and went to the kitchen. Was it time to text the code word?
She followed me smiling…lifted her shirt and proudly showed redness on her chest where I shoved her. Like I provoked her. She insisted I hit her first. The clock struck 12…and she started clapping…happy now? Happy?
She was not making sense anymore.
She went back to the guest bed and laid down. I was pleading that she just needed to sleep…she accused me of forcing her to take a sleeping pill. She got up again and screamed and cried that she is better than me, that she works harder.
I started feeling sick…I said I’m going to throw up, and then I’m going to lay down.
I was in the bathroom….and I started hearing beeping noises. What was it? Was it really the gun safe? She’s too drunk to know the code..it’s not.
I came out and she’s again sleeping on the bed. Finally. I put a blanket over her……and laid down. She got up again…saying you have no right to do that. To make me sleep.
She quickly moved on top of me. I was on my back. One of our dogs came and laid close to me trying to protect me. She said I turned the dogs against her. She started growling the most nasty things in my ear….I closed my eyes and turned my head. Even feeling one inch of her on me caused me to wince and pull back. She said one more thing about me that I can’t remember. What I do remember is my eyes shut, head turned, saying loudly “I AM NOT. I AM NOT WHO YOU SAY I AM”
She sat up. She calmly said..okay.
She left the bedroom…..I sat up….I thought she was going to drink again. Instead, I heard a drawer open…I dialed 911 ready to call….i heard a click, and I heard one shot.

I ran to the kitchen and there she was on the floor. She shot herself.

The police pronounced her deceased at 1:22am on January 1st.

 My life as I knew it, shattered. At the same time, I am surrounded by love and support from my friends and family. I got a therapist almost immediately.

I carry no responsibility. Not even one ounce. She was far too gone. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Even if I somehow intercepted her train of thought…..the abuse and cycle would continue….like it had for years. But did it have to end this way? Regardless  I am lucky to be alive…she could have in her state of mind killed me, then the dogs, then herself. I felt Divinely protected. And I felt free….battling thoughts of guilt that I felt that way….but kept coming back to freedom.

My rebirth happened that night. It has been one week….and it has been a roller coaster already. I am angry, I am relieved, I am so many things.
My work ahead is to find myself again….I lost myself for 10 years, trying to radically accept and love my SOwBPD.
My work ahead is to reconcile the times I felt so loved and cherished, with the times of emotional turmoil fear and abuse.
Having your abuser die my suicide feels like a final act of control and manipulation. This grief process is different.

I urge you all to keep yourselves safe. That nothing you experience from your abuser is your fault.

This will likely be my last post. But I will come by now and then during my healing journey to support you.

Kindness, courage and peace
LetLoveRule

[kells76]

Thank you for trusting us with your story.

We'll be here whenever you need us.

[WhatToDo47]

I have nothing to offer other than my sympathy. Seek out help like you are, you are loved and have better days ahead.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for taking the time to share and displaying the courage to share your story. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and kindness moving forward.

Vaya Con Dios!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Phoenix910]

Thank you for the courage to share your story. I read it yesterday and have been thinking about it still. Your story has allowed me to put a lot into perspective. I am encouraged to work through my own healing as well.

Again thank you. Best wishes on your rebirth.

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry that you had to be there for that, but I'm glad that you and the dogs are safe. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to be with someone so tortured inside (and causing pain outside). I only dealt with SI, but what happened is the tragic, real deal.

Best wishes to you Letloverule, stay strong.

Turkish

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry about what you’ve been through.      I dealt with a lot of suicide threats in my previous relationship, but the reality of it actually occurring is altogether different.

[Woolspinner2000]

Letloverule, I grew up amidst continual SI from my BPDm. I've never forgotten it. To be there when it happened in your situation, how awful. I am so sorry. I am thankful that you and the dogs stayed safe for you were all in great danger. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. 

 
Wools

[MeandThee29]

Oh my, thinking of you. Get whatever help you need to work through this.

Mine was a "gray" divorce after decades together, and that end was certainly a possibility when we were together and remains so, in my opinion. He was formally diagnosed but never treated. There was a nearly successful attempt (he barely survived) and more threats when we finally separated and during the divorce (his attorney told mine). We are not at all in contact.

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you ((hugs).