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Author Topic: She's back - I'm "delicious", again  (Read 1284 times)
Chazz
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« Reply #30 on: April 05, 2010, 09:58:37 AM »

OK, here's the immediate situation... .

She's back, and back saying all the "right" things. Oh, dear!

I am ever so cautious. Hyper-vigilant is more like it.

I'm blown away by some of the things she's admitting to. I never thought she could do it, or that she had so much personal insight.

Did I mention I'm hyper-vigilant?

This morning she talked about going into therapy together. I prefer doing a solo act around therapy - some things need to be yours and only yours. But, if it gets her in the door, that could be a very good thing. She's been in therapy before with mixed results. The big stumbling block as I see it, is her ambivalence about exchanging her BPD defense mechanisms for new ones. (She talked about it openly?)  This is a choice she, and she alone, must make.

I asked her what made her decide to come back after 2 weeks of no communication. She said:  "I missed you terribly. This relationship is the closest thing I've ever had to true intimacy." Uh, Huh.

What I do think (or would like to think) is a hook for her about me, is that I'm basically a calm, consistent and grounded person without being boring. (This is how she characterizes me, anyway.) Also, I haven't in reality done anything to antagonize her insecurities or her all consuming fears of rejection. When she has one of her BPD "fevers", she loses sight of these things, but when the "fever" passes, she seems to be able to "hold" me, internally, again. You know that object constancy business.

What I think may have "worked" this time, was my not contacting her. I broke a pattern. I've also made it clear to her that, although I care for her, I cannot and will not live in chaos. The thing that still concerns me, is that she still displays the capacity to see the world from two competing realities. No one can be trusted - I trust you. I can literally see her struggling to reconcile these two disparate views - she admits to seeing them herself. Best of all, she must have said "I hate that I'm so crazy sometimes" at least 50 times. She also voiced concern about what her "crazies" may be doing to her 5 year old son. (Jeesh Honey, ya think?)

My plan right now is to spend as much, no more, time tending to myself than the "relationship". I still fear raw and uneasy. I feel compelled to take care of myself, including for the people who have been supportive of me through all of this. They need me to be there for them, too. This stuff can leave you high and dry with nothing to give to others. I'm not going to let myself turn into an empty husk behind this relationship. That was starting to happen before I walked out this last time.

We'll see... .

I'm going to stay very close to these forums. I need the wisdom, here.     



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Chazz
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« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2010, 10:26:37 AM »

I just posted the following comment in another thread. I'm repeating it here because I want to be held accountable.

The truth is, I now feel ambivalent towards her.

The closest I can get to explaining this is to say, something in me has shifted. I can't at this point see a future with her. I no longer have the ability to take a long view of the relationship.

I can't shake the feeling that this is a good thing. Self-protective. I honestly don't want it to go away. I can't imagine what it would take TO MAKE this feeling go away. I hope I'm not pursuing the relationship for some, as yet, unknown reasons to me - say like proving something to myself, ego needs, or a need for some sort of weird vindication. That would feel crummy, but I will keep an eye out for that. I will also speak to it, here, should something like that surface.

Here's what I do know:  I don't want this relationship to take up so much space in my head anymore. There have been things I have been neglecting. I just won't let that happen anymore. Maybe, God forbid, some healthy boundaries are snapping back into place.

 

 
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AnonNZ
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« Reply #32 on: April 06, 2010, 08:01:00 AM »

First some background and then some advice... .

Background

I walked out on my BPD fiance 12 months ago last week, so possibly have a different view to many on this board... .

I think it's possible she truly means it and she will try her hardest to, as my ex put it "stop the crazy coming out". However, without serious patience and understanding from you as well as long-term therapy it's also highly likely she will fail and you will end up back down the rabbit hole.

As my T and my lawyer, both highly experienced with pwBPD put it, "even if it does work out, you will be the one doing most of the compromising to make it work". I loved my ex more than anyone else I've ever known. She made me feel more special than anyone before in my 34 years.

I weighed up my options and decided I did not want to spend my life a) looking over my shoulder, b) watching everything I said and moderating my behaviour to avoid triggering her, c) constantly picking up the pieces, and d) taking the risk that regardless of what I did she would eventually cheat, walk out or harm me (she was a nurse with access to some fairly serious drugs).

The advice

Whether you choose to pursue the relationship or not, find a therapist who knows about BPD and start talking... .

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Chazz
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« Reply #33 on: April 06, 2010, 08:41:59 AM »

Thank you for the advice, AnonNZ.

I'm stuck on I can't see a future with her.
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VanessaG
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« Reply #34 on: April 06, 2010, 08:47:55 AM »

Excerpt
I'm stuck on I can't see a future with her.

Chazz, that was where I got stuck too.  From what I observed, and the dynamics of the relationship, I knew, my HEAD knew, that it was not a good fit, that it didn't have long-term potential.  For a million different reasons, and this was before I knew about BPD (or that there was a name for what I saw as a strange and sad pattern of behavior).  I knew that it.would.not.work.

But my heart, whew!, my heart was a different matter entirely.  I loved him.  I still do, knowing everything I know about him, having suffered all I did for and with him.

The head wins out, however.

And the NC has given my heart time to catch up (mostly) with my head.  Or at least so that they have detente most days of the week. 

Hang in there.  Tough times, I understand.  I liken it to having your head stuck in the blender while it's set on frappe.

x

Much great discussion on this thread.  I appreciate every word.

VanessaG
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Chazz
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« Reply #35 on: April 07, 2010, 11:26:43 AM »

Excerpt
I'm stuck on I can't see a future with her.

Chazz, that was where I got stuck too.  From what I observed, and the dynamics of the relationship, I knew, my HEAD knew, that it was not a good fit, that it didn't have long-term potential.  For a million different reasons, and this was before I knew about BPD (or that there was a name for what I saw as a strange and sad pattern of behavior).  I knew that it.would.not.work.

But my heart, whew!, my heart was a different matter entirely.  I loved him.  I still do, knowing everything I know about him, having suffered all I did for and with him.

The head wins out, however.

And the NC has given my heart time to catch up (mostly) with my head.  Or at least so that they have detente most days of the week. 

Hang in there.  Tough times, I understand.  I liken it to having your head stuck in the blender while it's set on frappe.

x

Much great discussion on this thread.  I appreciate every word.

VanessaG

Thank you much, Vanessa. It's reassuring to have you identify with the things I am feeling.

Over the past few days, I've entered a new phase with my situation. She's been around, and around a lot. As sweet and attentive as she's being, I still can't see a future with her. In fact, I feel like I'm looking at her, and the situation in general, through the wrong end of a telescope. I've been checking in with myself about this lest I'm doing some sort of depersonalization.    Perhaps I am, but it feels more accurate to say I'm (involuntarily) emotionally distant from her. I just don't feel the emotional "rushes" I use to when she was "on" with me. This is a significant change.

She's been baring her soul. This is new... .All sorts of heretofore unknown information is coming out about her life and her inner world. If I wasn't skeptical - if I wasn't so emotionally burned - I might think she was turning some sort of corner. But talk is cheap and I'm not going for the oakie-dope - certainly not on her say so. It's going to take a great deal more than talk for me to feel safe and open again. You can't unknow, what you know. I's been edumacated.

But here's the thing... .

I'm feeling a little guilty about her spilling her guts while I sit back, at some distance, judging her. It feels like an ethical issue. One part of me says:  This is you necessarily having good boundaries, Chazz.  ... .Another part says:  Watch it, Chazz, this is you being disingenuous and untrustworthy. (Untrustworthy in the sense that I'm not being entirely straight with her about where I am with her and what I'm feeling.) It's a bit of a dilemma because I tend to be a straight shooter and honest about what I'm thinking and feeling. Then again, I'm dealing with someone who isn't always either or both, so... .

I'm not yet sure about what to do with my change of inner venue. On the one hand, I don't want her to have changed me. (Is this my ego talking?) Especially in regard to things I have always "liked" about myself (being honest and a straight shooter). On the other, I've read just about every article on this site and I'm "getting it" that you have to deal with BPDs from a calm and centered place... .Fact is, what I was formerly doing with her wasn't working - fact is, maybe being more circumspect is a good thing for me to be in all things. Could this be one of the lessons this relationship was destined to teach me?

One more thing... .

I'm also feeling guilty about putting her stuff out in cyberspace. I debated about doing it before I ever posted here. It's a loyalty and confidentiality issue for me. Yes, we are all functioning from a place of presumed anonymity. And, I was desperate for information and support when I first joined up. But, but, but... .  I think this putting her business out there issue stems from years of following the 12 Step Principles about gossip and anonymity - and, rightfully so... .

I'm also looking at whether some part of this guilt is simply me being uncomfortable about asking for, and receiving, help/support. I can be a ridiculously prideful person.

(I'm also, now, feeling guilty about posting in the Disengaging forum when I should, probably, be posting in the Staying forum. I don't want to flaunt the fact that shes's back (sorta) at people yearning for their loved ones... .Also, the tenor of the advice I'm getting may be different. See what I mean (?), I'm all over the map, though all of this is raising personal issues that need attention which is good.

Process, not perfection, Chazz. And, keep workin' it, 'til it works. 

         
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