THe best way to get closure

[lieslieslies]

Hi all,

Here I hope we can help eachother to get what is hardest to receive from our BPD after the "relation"

has errupted.

I simply e-mailed her and stated as Meatloaf sings " I WANT MY MONEY BACK", haven´t heard a word since then... .

alternative... .

Give them the ultimate LOVE from you, and You know the outcome !

3L

[Matt]

what is hardest to receive from our BPD

Hi 3L!

I'm glad you found a way that works for you!

My thinking is different:

I decided that I can't get what I need from my BPD-ex.  But I can get everything I need - money, love, respect, etc. - from others and from myself.

My biggest move forward was when I quit thinking I will ever get what I want and need from her.

Matt

[Janell]

My biggest move forward was when I quit thinking I will ever get what I want and need from her.

Matt

Thank you, Matt.  I needed to hear that tonight.  I've been trying to get him to talk to me one last time so that I could get some kind of closure (it's been about 6 weeks since I saw him).  He won't talk to me, and I think I'm at the point where I need to get my closure another way.

[notadoormat]

This is an intriguing thread topic for me... .it's been 7 months since exBPD and I broke up. I haven't had any contact with her since she booted me to the curb that last time. I struggle with this issue of closure... .there is none. I keep saying to myself 'the closure is in the fact that she is deeply mentally ill,' but it's not enough for me.

The other night--as I was going to sleep--I replayed every single relationship I've had in my entire life (and there are a lot of them at 47!). No matter how small, how big, how short, how long... .and I found the moment of closure. In every last one--even with the last BPD I was with--I found the moment of closure.

With her, there is none. And it's profoundly disturbing. It's kind of getting to me these days... .keeping me from fully dis-engaging and moving on.

NAD

[foiles]

Hi all.

Closure... . 

I like to think of my relationship with my exBPDbf as something of an addiction.  How to come to closure with an addiction?  Remind  yourself...

this is NOT heathy.

this is dysfunctional.

how did I do this to myself? take responsibility for yourself.

FOCUS on the healthy.  Focus on healing.  Focus on how to turn away from the addiction. 

Yes, there is a time to grieve, to be angry.  But prolonging that period extensively means you're obsessing about something unhealthy.  Obsess about YOURSELF.  Then you can find closure.  If you can't do that, some serious books and therapy is in order.  It's the only way.  You can't change them.  You can change yourself.  Dig into that and after some time, you won't be worrying about closure.  You'll have found it.

Take care,

Foiles

[notadoormat]

FOCUS on the healthy.  Focus on healing.  Focus on how to turn away from the addiction.  

Yes, there is a time to grieve, to be angry.  But prolonging that period extensively means you're obsessing about something unhealthy.  Obsess about YOURSELF.  Then you can find closure.  

Foiles, I know you mean well, but it's really not quite that easy. Trust me--I know addiction. I've cold-turkied 3 addictive substances in my lifetime... .walked away from them all. The closure was in the walking away.

I've grieved. I'm no longer angry. I wish her the best. I do not feel I am prolonging this, or obsessing about it. I have a lot going on in my life--good stuff--and I'm trying to move on.

Every now and then, I wander back here and read the boards, make a random post.

I'm sure I'll find my closure at some point. I can truly say, though: I've never had a rs so profoundly mess with my spirit.

Drugs, they are easy to give up: you get the substance out of your system, and it's just a matter of one day at a time.

A BPD: they get into your heart, and do some serious damage. Yes, yes, yes... .I know, I know... .'therapy,' 'self-help,' 'obsess about yourself,' etc... .

will do.

[foiles]

Hi nadm.

Please, I do not mean that it is easy.  Not at all.  I too know how hard, how miserable addiction is.  And I in no way meant to seem flippant about it.  I can only speak for myself and the advice most often given here- to focus on yourself.  Not that it's easy.  No no no.  Unbelievably hard. 

No the heart isn't involved with drugs/alcohol/cig/etc., but with me, that was part of it- that aspect of focusing on myself.  To find out why my heart was addicted to someone and felt 'love' for someone so abusive and unhealthy.  I couldn't find closure until I found those things out about myself. 

I certainly didn't mean to offend and if you wanted to just vent, that's ok.  I just meant to throw a little advice in- for those that haven't heard that on here before LOL.  Take care.

I think for every person it's different.  But maybe for some, that will help, like it did for me.

[notadoormat]

Yeah, I guess I just needed to vent. All of the things you suggest--they are helpful, they are true. They are good things to do. I'm just feeling frustrated... .I'm doing all of the 'right' and 'healthy' things, and still having a hard time fully moving past this. It is really so frustrating. I keep looking back at what 'worked' with getting over other relationships... .and I feel like my 'tool box' is getting close to empty, and--still--I feel no real sense of closure.

Perhaps I just have to make my peace with the fact that there may never be closure with this. But it's frustrating to even think of it that way.

The weird thing is... .I've even have had a lot of people just up and die--just up and die!--and there was more closure.

It's that she is still alive and out there, somewhere. And a stranger to me.

Frustrating.

I just want some peace from this. Want it to be really far behind me. Want to be really far ahead of it.

Yup. Just venting... .Sorry. Thanks.

[lieslieslies]

hi posters in the hardest of all... .

nad, I copied your 3 last lines and... .

Frustrating.

I just want some peace from this. Want it to be really far behind me. Want to be really far ahead of it.

Yup. Just venting... .Sorry. Thanks[/col

and yes, this was it was meant to be, vent and frustrate, thats how we have to do it, by ourselfs as they

just move on asa we never excisted, I was in "the relation" for 8+ years so I don´t even expect any communication

as there were none even in good times, only her "_ _ _ _" insert whatever and in the bitter end, we ruined their lifes,

and thats their last projection. wicked whitches.  about

3Lbut keep on venting, thats what the thread was

[crystal]

CLOSURE:

The act of closing or the state of being closed: closure of an incision.

a. A bringing to an end; a conclusion: finally brought the project to closure.

b. A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.


the problem us nons face is that we put our BPD as the subject of the sentence-- we want closure from them.  But we can only control our own actions... so you need to give yourself closure. Become the actor. Become the subject of sentence. Become the central character in your own life and you will get closure.  Took me more than two years!  But I think I have a sense of closure now. 

Crsytal

[Koro]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JklC61iuIN4

If you insist on closure with a BPD, this are the kind of horrible things that might happen. (No, not really, just wanted to be witty and dramatic!) Enjoy the vid anyways!

[2010]

Shiro- that's the most mentally ill way to treat a borderline that I've ever heard.  

[lieslieslies]

hi,

I think MinM meant something diffrent, so hear again 2010, he spent a lot of time "cleaning up the closet, mama",

hard to hear, harder to have lived with... .

3L

[abstract709]

I finally got closure tonight! Sadly I did some Facebook stalking... which I know is never really healthy, but it worked out this time. Found out my ex is dating her ex-best friends ex.

At first I was extremely angry. But then after I processed it I felt an overwhelming sense of calm and relaxation. I think I have been hanging on to the hope that she would one day return ... if even if it was just for me to say no, which I had promised myself I would. I feel as though I can finally move forward now, as this has given me the closure she refused to give.

It's funny how you never know how you'll react to something until it happens

[phoebe]

I dont know the best way to get closure because everyone is so different in what their perception of closure is for them. I know I have longed for closure from my uBPD best friend and have received no response to emails I have sent, and I am surely not going to call her. But throughout the course of our friendship I noticed on her Face book friends list was a very sweet person who is a Christian as I am. So today after 3 months of agonizing over this whole mess I emailed this friend of hers and explained what had happened and asked for her prayers. She emailed me back and said that this friend we have in common has one of the biggest hearts she has ever seen in a person but in saying that she also noticed she has a few screws loose. She was very kind to me in her email reponse and very receptive to praying for our friend and for my recovery from all of the drama. I finally for the first time took a breath of relief because now I do not feel so crazy myself. I am not the only one who has seen this reaction in my uBPD friend and although her and this other friend are not very close at least I feel like maybe through the power of prayer my uBPD friend can get some help at some point in her life and I can let go of the agony and hurt because I am not deluding myself... .she is sick mentally and I'm not the only one who has seen it. Now finally I feel I can start to let go of the hurt and move past this to a better place emotionally. I am on the leaving/disengaging board because I have no choice in the matter, if I did I would still be in a friendship with this person, but here I am and here I'll stay and just continue to realize that we all need each others support because I know as well as you all do... .its a rough road, really rough

[kly]

3L's--asking for your money back. That's funny!  And effective.  I think you've found the holy grail. 

[lieslieslies]

thanks kly,

inspired from MEATLOAF´s great song with title I WANT MY MONEY BACK. listen to it on YT.

strange that two words like close and closure means so different things, but hey, invented by

a BPD, i.e. if you come to close , it time for closure, and as we are in similarities, the word for

a place where we puke, hit_, pee, etc the WC, WaterClosette, was invented by a french BPD,

I would say that they should try them and flush themselves down the drain... .

Now I was thinking of an even better song from the fat man, I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE,

BUT I WON´T DO THAT, have always wondered what he mean by that THAT, have You ?

[Stargirl]

This is something that have helped me to read and think about:

www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=4743#more-474

In a few months an anniversery concerning the relationship with my ex is coming along. I´m thinking on having some kind of ritual for that day (either the "getting-togheter-day" or the "splitting-up-day", they are close in dates). The ritual might include trashing a thing of his that I still have (it was a gift so I´m not doing anything illegal  ), and, maybe I´ll shed a tear or two (if I still need to at the time) and, the most importent thing, I will end it with some kind of celebrating and good thinking on me and the good things that lies ahead of me. 

[foiles]

For anyone interested,

There is a book called "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends".  It is used in seminars and weeks long classes.  I signed up for one of the classes, which was helpful to talk to others in a similar situation.  But it was really reading the book, answering the questions and doing the workbook that helped me.  It goes through all of the stages of ending a relationship and 'rebuilding'.  It was a major tool for me.

Take care everyone!  You can do this! 

Foiles

[Janell]

This is something that have helped me to read and think about:

www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=4743#more-474

In a few months an anniversery concerning the relationship with my ex is coming along. I´m thinking on having some kind of ritual for that day (either the "getting-togheter-day" or the "splitting-up-day", they are close in dates). The ritual might include trashing a thing of his that I still have (it was a gift so I´m not doing anything illegal  ), and, maybe I´ll shed a tear or two (if I still need to at the time) and, the most importent thing, I will end it with some kind of celebrating and good thinking on me and the good things that lies ahead of me. 

First, thank you for that link.  It helps more than anything else I've read.  I feel almost like posting one part of it on my Facebook page: It doesn’t matter what the answers are. It doesn’t matter what the questions are. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

I didn't have a ritual, but I did decide to walk away and stop trying to get closure from him on the anniversary of the day we first "met" online.  That was last Tuesday, and so far I haven't contacted him ... .it still hurts, but it's somewhat easier now that I've decided that it's up to ME when and how my closure occurs.

[Stargirl]

Hi Janell,

I´m glad that it was of help. Yes, we got to take the control of our lives back, and to understand what that means, in all aspects. For me it was good with the reminder of (even though I know it, sometimes I need to be reminded to really know it, if you get what I mean) that it´s me that owns my life and that it´s I that have the responsibility, and the privilege, to make it an as good life as possible. Lets take the power of our lives back to whom it belongs, ourselves.

You made a strong and good decision Janell, and good work with staying NC.

 

[WhyMe?]

I also updated a private thread we had on a local bulletin board - for 1.5 years now. he has not found that one yet either. Doubt he'll respond though.

[cjayz]

For me, my quest for closure "from" him ended when I took back the reins of my *own life* and decided to end the crazy-making.  

As much as I'd like answers to about eleventy-seven questions, it is doubtful that any "answers" would provide closure.  

I gave 'closure' to myself and decided what *I* am going to do with my life !  I've known for a long, long time that this marriage/relationship was not healthy for me.  :)eciding to put myself *first* was the first step in closing the door to the chaos.  The push/pull, black/white, in/out, blameshifting rollercoaster ride is just not good for *me*, even after learning 'radical acceptance' of the situation.  

There IS no reciprocity in the level of intimacy with my BPD/aspd/NPD husband, so why beat my head against a brick wall seeking it?  

Ending the desire to "see" change or improvement in *him* has allowed me to give myself the closure needed to begin living my life the way *I* want to... .including choosing companions/lovers/friends who are available and not detrimental to my OWN mental health!  I realized that *I* don't want a relationship that results in *my* feeling dazed and confused most of the time.

x

[ron7127]

About 2 months ago, I just wrote my XW a letter. We had stayed in contact for 15 years post divorce, co-parenting our boys. Now, our boys are adults.

So, I just wrote her and , finally, disclosed all the evidence I had of her serial cheating, names, dates, etc. She must have had no idea I knew all this stuff,as , for years, she denied physical affairs, only admitting to 2 emotional affairs(as if thaey were not as bad).

I just told her that I wanted no more contact, now that our boys were grown. Have not heard from her since.

It felt good to let her know that I was not fooled by all the lies.

[gatorgirl]

A book I was reading suggests a "funeral" for a relationship where you are struggling for closure.  Not something humorous but real.  You can invite anyone close enough to respect what you are doing.  Or you might have it alone.  You could bury a photo or a box of items from your BPD.  It's an interesting idea.

[C12P21]

No the heart isn't involved with drugs/alcohol/cig/etc., but with me, that was part of it- that aspect of focusing on myself.  To find out why my heart was addicted to someone and felt 'love' for someone so abusive and unhealthy.  I couldn't find closure until I found those things out about myself. 

This is very true and I have discovered a part of the addiction to him was avoidance of the emotional pain within me from residual effects of child abuse, an abusive marriage and a bad therapy experience. I decided to find closure I had to figure out what was lacking inside me, why did I require validation from this person?

A new therapist has recommended that book "Healing the Shame That Binds You", you see, I felt I had failed him somehow, that shame has guided my choices when I sensed a relationship wasn't right. This is how I found closure.

1. I write, journal, email and save the email to a file to review later. This helps to get it out of my head and on paper.

2. I listed all the good and negative traits of the relationship and review them when sad.Everytime I think of something new, I add it to the list.

3. I met with his sister and asked her questions about the family, him and their childhood. This conversation helped me immensely to recognize he is a liar and has done his song and dance routine to many women. I also understood how sick he is. It wasn't me. This conversation provided me the closure I needed. Validation.

4. I have a list of things I want to accomplish in five years, one year, three months, each week and every day. Every time I think of him, I mentally tune into the list.

5. I wrote him a very kind letter of closure. I addressed the things that hurt me without blame but explained why they hurt me. I thanked him for his efforts of trying to maintain the relationship, aknowledged how difficult it must have been for him given his responses to emotional triggers. I did this without romanticising his mental illness but a clear statement of recognition of why the relationship would never work.

6. I decided in order for me to heal, I needed to let go. I couldn't fix this.

7. I am working on forgiving myself for trusting a narcissist.

8. I think about the kind of relationship I want in the future. Focusing on a possible relationship helps me to see, there will be a future.

9. I visit my friends and family.

10. I exercise.

Hope this helps. In time they become less of a focus and you become the priority.

x

C

[ProfDaddy]

I think 3L may be onto something simple and direct here.  We do want our money back, and our support, and our patience, and our love.  The difficult and honest truth behind why I find it hard to move on isn't so much about what she has failed to give me but about what I have invested in her.  It was a stupid investment of effort and emotion into a hopeless cause.  Loving a borderline was like investing in Bernie Madoff's pyramid scheme -- people from the outside could see I got nothing back, in hindsight it was a worthless investment, but at the time I felt special. 

I'm wondering if we aren't seeking something that is impossible -- closure isn't something they can give to us from the outside.  Perhaps closure is really about stopping our own tendency to continue a hopeless emotional investment.  Our BPDxs are just instruments we have been using to avoid accepting some uncomfortable truths about ourselves. 

[kly]

I think 3L may be onto something simple and direct here.  We do want our money back, and our support, and our patience, and our love.  The difficult and honest truth behind why I find it hard to move on isn't so much about what she has failed to give me but about what I have invested in her.  It was a stupid investment of effort and emotion into a hopeless cause.  Loving a borderline was like investing in Bernie Madoff's pyramid scheme -- people from the outside could see I got nothing back, in hindsight it was a worthless investment, but at the time I felt special. 

I'm wondering if we aren't seeking something that is impossible -- closure isn't something they can give to us from the outside.  Perhaps closure is really about stopping our own tendency to continue a hopeless emotional investment.  Our BPDxs are just instruments we have been using to avoid accepting some uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

Damn Dad.  That hit the bull's eye.  Well stated.

[DAS]

I have never cried so much in my life as I have the last month. Thing is I've worked on myself and know I did things to make him worse and know I can rectify them - if given the chance.

Freakin hurts   :'(  I keep hoping he is keeping me engaged for a reason.

Wrong. You DID NOT "make him worse". You can't fix him. You didn't cause it.

The ONLY reason he is keeping you engaged is because YOU KEEP LETTING HIM.

There is no magic pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No happy endings. There is only a cycle of pain and hurt.

  WhyMe... .I didn't realize you were still so emeshed with him. I wish for you strength.

You will not get better till you get out of the relationship. You deserve so much better.

[WhyMe?]

I have never cried so much in my life as I have the last month. Thing is I've worked on myself and know I did things to make him worse and know I can rectify them - if given the chance.

Freakin hurts   :'(  I keep hoping he is keeping me engaged for a reason.

Wrong. You DID NOT "make him worse". You can't fix him. You didn't cause it.

The ONLY reason he is keeping you engaged is because YOU KEEP LETTING HIM.

There is no magic pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No happy endings. There is only a cycle of pain and hurt.

  WhyMe... .I didn't realize you were still so emeshed with him. I wish for you strength.

You will not get better till you get out of the relationship. You deserve so much better.

Many of his issues stem from the way I treated him.

Obviously the affair was hard for both of us

But after I got divorced I still wouldn't let him park the car in the driveway since my ex had "told all" including a neighbor who swore he'd "kill the bf". I let the ex bother me even as his relationship progressed.

I have my own faults and they just enhanced his.

I never thought I'd lose him. I took him for granted cuz he never leaves. When he stepped back I threw myself into me, my house and learning boundaries and tools.

I forgot to treat him like a human. Didn't talk when he said he wanted to as it was always late. Didn't pay attention to the mixed messages he sent. Kinda brushed him off with a vague "of course " when he asked mid-feb if there was hope for us.

By the end of Feb he withdrew emotionally

Early April, physically

Oh, I suppose there is a chance. But not if he is really "in a relationship". Unlike many BPDs he cannot deal with more than one rs at a time. He was incredibly devoted to me.

I wanted a chance to use the lessons I had learned here. I probably won't get that now.

Because for the first time in my life I put me first.

And since he obsesses, I never told him what I was doing.

I took him for granted. I figured he'd still be around. I held him a foot from me to help myself.

He is not dx'd. He has issues but who knows what they really are? He was loving and caring when not triggered. And all I did was push and push, even if he was a non he would have snapped.

I tried so hard to get my life in balance, and my work situation set so I wouldn't have to rely on him for support like he wanted. I thought I was doing the right thing for me and for us.


He told me early April when I wanted to talk, I tried to explain what I had learned and apologized for the way I treated him "I don't know what to say. My limits are reached." I know he got this strength from others. He could not do that on his own, we slept together just a week previous. Any other time, what I said would have brought him running right over (not that I was looking for that, but I didn't want him to leave)

I am stronger than him. I could have done ok it just would have taken longer.

Got what I asked for didn't I - space? Just didn't expect the broken heart.   :'(

I still hold on to the "I'm here"'s for now. Someday I'll have to let them go.

Thanks for your reply though. x