Lonely.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just feel lonely. Would like to have someone I can give lots of kisses and hugs.

I'm about to cry. Argh, I hate this empty feeling.

[Koro]

I just feel lonely. Would like to have someone I can give lots of kisses and hugs.

I'm about to cry. Argh, I hate this empty feeling.

[anker]

I've been pretty lonesome lately myself. Here's some virtual hugs for you oo

[sarah1234]

Thinking of you   

I am pretty bored and lonely too x

sometimes the best human interaction I get is chatting to friends on facebook! and then that makes me feel worse!

[GCD145]

Yeah, but no matter how lonely you feel, it's better than being with your BPDex!

Right?

Chins up, folks 

GCD145

[sarah1234]

Yeah, but no matter how lonely you feel, it's better than being with your BPDex!

Right?

Chins up, folks 

GCD145

oh so right! 

I say this, 2 mins after he just called me at home. Again. Then those things make me glad to be alone

I often think I feel lonely and then think about all the things I really didn't like about him, and how glad I am not to be stuck with him anymore, with all the annoying things. Its hard to occupy your brain sometimes but my house has never been so clean!

[Koro]

My mind and my emotions are apart. I know what's best for me. But I just feel lonely. I'm just wondering why a person have to be so nasty to someone who was so caring and full of love. And maybe, just maybe is because there's nothing to love about me. But I'm okay with that, I guess. No anger, no screaming. Just emptiness, loneliness and sadness.

[sarah1234]

I want to just say  that they do not know how to appreciate it.

I find that really sad. Maybe they will never really ever be able to feel love the way you do, and will do again with someone  x

[goldenblunder]

Sure its not the law school that's got you down?  

One way for me to feel better is to remember all of the bad stuff, and get angry about it.  Either that, or you feel lucky that you don't have to deal with the bad stuff any longer.

[Koro]

Sure its not the law school that's got you down?  

One way for me to feel better is to remember all of the bad stuff, and get angry about it.  Either that, or you feel lucky that you don't have to deal with the bad stuff any longer.

I hate anger. Anger is something I left behind. Anger can be healthy sometimes, I know. I remember the bad things and I just feel sad and sorry everything went the way it did. And yes, I DO feel lucky I don't have to deal with anything bad again. Still, I just feel lonely.

[Cath]

Hey Shiro.

Hang on in there. It's natural when you're lonely that your thoughts go out to the ex. I know mine do, even after all this time apart. But then I remind myself that the loneliest I have ever felt was when I was in that relationship, knowing there was no real way to connect with that person anymore. Small comfort, but at least you know your heart's still working. It will get better; life never stays the same for too long. 

Take care  x

Cath

[dilbert]

im with ya man, ive been feeling lonely for a long time and it sucks. good to know someone else is sufferin too 

[workin@it]

 

I'm lonely too,

It's officially 366 days since i broke it off. yesterday passed with a whole lot of emotional ups and downs.

some really good happy or giddy feelings, and some lousy ones like sad and furious.

read something on here about "she can go for a year standing on her head before she goes off" here.

when we were a couple, it was like clockwork, every 5-6 weeks she'd explode. not feeling heard, i'd mirror back to her what she was saying sometimes, and still i'd get ' your hearing what I'm saying but you're rolling your eyes saying "here she goes again" so there was some awareness it seems. classic no-win situation. I stayed,  just like my dad,   because the good would sometimes outweigh the bad? waiting for things to get good again was a gamble.

I had an urge to expose, and humiliate her on a blog i have that was for an online project we had together in Second Life. It would make me feel good for a short time, but in the end wouldnt register with her in any meaningful way. I'd be the crazy one, the bad guy

some comfort in she's probably putting my replacement through the same stuff. we were long time friends,

but that's not what a friend does, even if she'd bad mouth me and say things were bad.

step up and be my night in shining armor

lool he'll find out I'm sure.

shudder

[WayneB73]

i understand how you feel. there is hope. it's called time...

from time to time i do still miss my ex and feel lonely. i guess i have been a loner for a while, i think the trick is to be happy with our selves and then we can start to love our selves again...

[veryconcerned47]

Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely. Be good to yourself. Do something that will ,make you feel great. Remember your ex- does not create happiness in you, rather other can activate feelings that are already within you. Heartbreak sucks no question, but you remember it's not that we miss the actual ex bod- person, we miss what we imagined they were like. When I long for her and think about how much i miss her, I think about all the lies and how unsafe my heart was in her hands. Why trust someone with our heart that does not know how to feel empathy? Someone who loves us should be able to provide a soft place to land. A person who is borderline will let you land on a hard place head first and not even care. My ex- didn't even have the decency to say happy birthday. She shows her true colors. There are so many good people out there to meet, the choice is yours... .

[DAS]

I want to just say  that they do not know how to appreciate it.

I find that really sad. Maybewithout help, certainly they will never really ever be able to feel love the way you do, and most definately will do again with someone  x

There. Fixed that for you.

Shiro, I'm there with you, mate... .

[anker]

I don't get lonely for my x. I get lonely for the kind of person I thought he was at first. I get lonesome for a partner I can get to know and enjoy time with.

My x would never have been that so its not him I'm lonely for. Its someone who hasn't arrived and isn't here yet.

[dilbert]

im right with ya anker. it sucks, after my kids go to bed, all i have is me and my walls... .

[sarah1234]

for some reason I am still up at 1am but I am watching silly things on youtube. I really wished for someone to talk to this evening, but remembered that my X was always up late playing on his xbox or out drinking and I went to bed every single night alone. I was lonely then anyway it seems!

thanks for fixing that DAS, you know I meant that anyway  ;p

[misterfire17]

I have to say I am still in the relationship with my BPDw and am lonely. It is also important to remember these feelings, if you had them, after it ends. I sometimes long for a complete feeling. Knowing I won't get hit with all kinds of garbage when I walk through the door. Wonder how it would be not to walk on egg shells and try to anticipate the next nuclear explosion of blame and emotion.

I just know I am lonely and still "in".

[Koro]

Guys;

tnx to everyone that posted in this thread. We are not alone in our loneliness, it seems. When I am at school and learning new things, and get out of my personal world and start seeing other things, it definitively helps.

[2010]

Anything you want to do that you've never done before? Get out and do it. That's the first step- get out the door and back into life.

[turtlesoup]

I have to say I am still in the relationship with my BPDw and am lonely. It is also important to remember these feelings, if you had them, after it ends. I sometimes long for a complete feeling. Knowing I won't get hit with all kinds of garbage when I walk through the door. Wonder how it would be not to walk on egg shells and try to anticipate the next nuclear explosion of blame and emotion.

I just know I am lonely and still "in".

This is a super important point and one I forget too often. I remember what the exBPD said to me but I often forget those 3-4 weeks of silence on her part when I had no clue what she was doing or where we stood, those were lonely confusing times and I don't miss them at all. Now I have lonely times but Im not confused, I am able to concentrate on jobs at hand, Im not snapping at people around me, I';m not lost in fog. Sure Im lonely and I will be for some time until I feel happy completely with myself and my situation but my god, nothing compares to those staring at my phone, religiously checking my email/facebook for clues about what the hell was going on.

That is messed up, this is just a bit painful and lonely but I wouldn't trade it for being back there again. Thanks for reminding me!

[GCD145]

I have to say I am still in the relationship with my BPDw and am lonely. It is also important to remember these feelings, if you had them, after it ends. I sometimes long for a complete feeling. Knowing I won't get hit with all kinds of garbage when I walk through the door. Wonder how it would be not to walk on egg shells and try to anticipate the next nuclear explosion of blame and emotion.

I just know I am lonely and still "in".

Misterfire17, I was in exactly your position.  I think you bring up a good point that I would like to expand upon.

Many of the posters here were in there relationships with a pwBPD for a relatively short time- months, maybe a year or two.  For those people, things may have ended badly and it may have really messed with your heart and your mind.  You are in pain, and many of you long to have your partner back.  What you didn't get the joy of experiencing, though, is what happens when you stay with that person for decades.  Let's use my experience, and give you a glimpse of what your life might be like if you were to get your secret wish and get that person back.

It's a cold and lonely kind of hell.  You walk on eggshells for so long that your essential nature changes.  You give up hope for any kind of true happiness, and accept nothingness instead; hey, it's better than a melt-down, right?  The good times that got you into the relationship in the first place are so far behind you that you can't even remember what they were, or if they really happened.  You become so fully enmeshed that your partner rarely makes any kind of effort any more- none is needed: you're on the hook.  Remember that great sex that so many posters pine for?  You may find that a thing of the past, too.  Over time, your perceptions have been shaped so completely by the pwBPDs warped view of reality that you come to see yourself as mentally ill, to doubt what you know is true.  You may have become so isolated from friends and family that your pwBPD may be the only person in your life, further increasing their control over you.  After enduring verbal and emotional abuse for so long, your self-esteem is shattered.  You've probably given up hope of things ever changing for the better.  You may wish for your partner's death, or sometimes your own.  I know that I did: it would have been so easy, I thought sometimes, to just let the car drift right into an abutment, or to keep peddling the bicycle right through a busy intersection.

There are a lot worse things than just being lonely, folks.  Being lonely but not actually alone is one of them.  At least if you're alone and lonely there is the possibility of something changing for the better.

GCD145

[Manon46]

I agree with GCD

I never felt so alone while i was married to him...

As if i was invisable, so unseen, unheard, unloved, than during the marriage.

I felt very lonely when he was gone, but at least i was alone...

It is much harder to be ignored than to just be alone.

The devaluation, the humilation, the indifference, makes you more lonely.

Makes you sad, it made me a shadow of myself, i walked with my head down,shoulders down,wasn't even feeling alive or worth living... trapped,prisoned,just wondering where all the good went...

I'd rather be alone and lonely than lonely in a relation...

[GCD145]

Manon46:

  x

GCD145

[Manon46]

Thank you sweetie, you get some too  

[sarah1234]

I stayed up far too late last night and something about doing that gives me panic attacks thru being tired.

I could not sleep until gone 2am.

I was laying in bed going over my last relationship, not what happened but how it made me feel. I started thinking about whether I was lonely now, or lonely then.

When everything fell apart on xmas day 2009, I was not feeling very well and had a cold. When all my family left I could not get warm. My feet were really cold and blue and my asthma was really bad. As the evening went on I was waiting for him to come home from work, but about 7pm I realised he wasn't coming and had broken his promise to me to come home to be with me on xmas day. At that point something in my brain just clicked and I sat and cried. Xmas day, I was sitting there all alone, lonely while he was with his workfriends drinking, and would come home drunk. What made it a bit worse was that previous to that, I had had a miscarriage and the baby was meant to be due around xmas time and I wanted him to think about this and give me some support. I realised that it unfortunately and sadly for the best due to the state of the relationship (contraceptive failure).

I remember calling my sister and feeling so down - 3 hours before I had been sitting with my really happy kids and trying to have a family xmas, but at the back of my mind I knew he would ruin it for me - and he did.

I had a series of horrible panic attacks that night, the worst I have ever had.

I think this is why when he did come home that night I called the police. I started to realise just how dangerous the situation was, but the fact I was sitting indoors crying, lonely and having panic attacks alone all due to this relationship probably culminated in me realising 10000 thing all at the same time. Leaving him was the scariest and hardest thing, I had to leave all my kids presents at the house - he threatened to sell them all, or leave them out in the street unless I came home.

But now, I may be lonely but I dont feel anything like ^ that. And I can take the loneliness a thousand times over. I will be happy again with someone one day as will all of you, but for now I must be happy alone xxx

[goldenblunder]

Many of the posters here were in there relationships with a pwBPD for a relatively short time- months, maybe a year or two.  For those people, things may have ended badly and it may have really messed with your heart and your mind.  You are in pain, and many of you long to have your partner back.  What you didn't get the joy of experiencing, though, is what happens when you stay with that person for decades.  Let's use my experience, and give you a glimpse of what your life might be like if you were to get your secret wish and get that person back.

It's a cold and lonely kind of hell.  You walk on eggshells for so long that your essential nature changes.  You give up hope for any kind of true happiness, and accept nothingness instead; hey, it's better than a melt-down, right?  The good times that got you into the relationship in the first place are so far behind you that you can't even remember what they were, or if they really happened.  You become so fully enmeshed that your partner rarely makes any kind of effort any more- none is needed: you're on the hook. 

GCD145

We were married for 3.5 years before she left.  Not decades but it was still enough to do some pretty good damage.   I can attest to the fact that my nature has changed in this time.  It's a bizarre feeling when you can finally relax.  But to tell you the truth, life is somewhat too relaxed without the constant sense of being on high alert.  Don't get me wrong, its nice to finally be free, but it does leave a large gap to be filled.

I have compared it before to being sentenced to life in prison.  You learn to deal with it, you give up hope, you just try to make the best of a bad situation.  Then, all of a sudden, you are set free.  You are glad to be out, but you had adjusted your whole mindset and expectations to having to deal with the hell of prison for the rest of your life.

What do you do now?  You almost miss prison.  Almost.

[GCD145]

I have compared it before to being sentenced to life in prison.  You learn to deal with it, you give up hope, you just try to make the best of a bad situation.  Then, all of a sudden, you are set free.  You are glad to be out, but you had adjusted your whole mindset and expectations to having to deal with the hell of prison for the rest of your life.

What do you do now?  You almost miss prison.  Almost.

In the last years of my marriage, I found the Shawshank Redemption almost too painful to watch, and your post reminded me of it.  Morgan Freeman's character's reaction to being let out of prison was heartbreaking.

But in the end, his friend was waiting for him on a beautiful golden beach, and you could just tell that the cerveza was cold and tasty, the ceviche was garlicky and delicious, and the senoritas were sweet and very very kind!

Hopefully, that's a metaphor for all of us on the leaving board.  Whatever happens next has got to be better than what we left.

GCD145