excerpt from Letter never sent - recognition of BPD and my Bipolar father

[eng123]

I have read many books on bi-polar and borderline disorders because of your angry reaction in July.  What I have learned over the past two months has been a revelation.   I was reading the books in shock considering the past few years.  I realize now the specific buttons that got pushed to cause you hurt.  How could I have known?  I didn’t know and didn’t try to hurt your feelings. 

I want to approach things differently and be aware and not hurt you more.  If I had known I would have communicated my concerns, frustrations, needs, and feelings differently.  I did not know about how sensitive you felt, perceive some things, and react to me, and how it is different from depression.  This is my first attempt to do it right!

I thought that I knew all I needed to know about bi-polar from how my father treated me.  I never knew why he acted and said the things over the years, it was horrible, I hated being around him, I hated his weaknesses, I hated how he wasted his life.   I can without a doubt understand 50% of bi-polar disorder because I’ve been on the receiving end of the abuse.  It was abuse, anger, accusations, and hatred directed at me, my brother, and my mother.  I hate that he never got help or maintained taking medications.  I did not cause it.  I did not deserve it.

This presented me with a tough question.  There are two people in my life that I care about with similar disorder problems.  I stopped dealing with my Dad twenty years ago and I have few regrets if not outright anger.  I had to save myself – from the damage, abuse, and depression.  I don’t want to walk away from you even when I know the ways that you will treat me until you recover.  I was angry at my Dad and didn’t know any more, I never made any distinction between Dad and the bi-polar.   I clearly see the distinction between You and the disorder – I hate the disorder but love you.  I always like you – sensitive, sad, angry, hurt, whatever.

I don’t know whether you have a bi-polar or borderline personality disorder or not.  Either way I want you in my life.  I want to see you in recovery and recovered.  I do not want you to end up like my father.   I know he didn’t take the medication that was prescribed or worked at therapy to any conclusion.  Don’t end up like my father.  I don’t have any patience or sympathy for my Dad even after what I’ve learned.   I won’t shed a tear at the funeral, it will be a job to clean up the mess of his life, and deal with the people he is involved with.   I believe that you can make it.

I desperately wanted to believe that you were severely depressed and dealing with childhood abuse.   I did not want you to be anything like my Dad’s problems.  Up until now bi-polar disorder meant stay away from me.  I’m smart enough and tough enough to handle it now – I have my whole life ahead of me to prove it.  I hope that you can understand that so don’t have to be scared, or ashamed, or keep secrets about it from me.

My father was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was a junior in high school.  By then I was so frustrated with my Dad’s behavior that I never bothered to find anything out about it.  I had spent my entire life waiting for him and being disappointed.  I had watched him abuse my mother physically and emotionally.  He spent all his time with his new families.  He was abusive and mean to them too.  I believe that he abused boys and girls in those new families.  He never helped me with anything and was never interested in anything I ever did.  In the past sixteen years my brother and I have seen him for a few hours the day after Christmas every year. In the fourteen years before that it was a day every few months or so.  I get alternating pitiful and angry phone messages every few months that I never return.  Do you have any idea how much I would have liked to have shared all my accomplishments and been appreciated over all these years?  How much I missed out on?

What is done is done.  I thought that I knew all there was to know about bi-polar from how my Dad treated me.    It would be easy to blame everything I don’t have on growing up so poor and my abusive, pitiful, absent Dad.  There is nothing that my father can do to make things right or make amends.  30 years later my Dad doesn’t understand and wants to make this right.

I accept who I am.  I know my purpose in life and what counts.  I am not perfect.  I always try to be some kind of better.  I try to be kind and considerate.  I try to try to make this a better place everyday – treating everyone with respect and dignity.  I do what is right, and know what is right.

[Colombian Chick]

Hello  xoxox,

is this a letter to your partner?

If it is, then I would like to give you my honest opinion.

Your letter sounds more like a despreat cry to your father. There is a lot of childhood pain that you still haven't dealt with. Sometimes dealing with people with disorders or addictions cause codependency on their family members. And from what I read, it surely sounds like you can be suffering from it.

Just like your dad, you can't control another persons behavior. You can't sacrafize yourself for someone, in hopes that they will do what you want. If your significant other decides not to get treatment, it's his choice, not yours. You state you don't want him to end up like your dad, again, that is not your choice to make.

You are understanding of your SO disorder, but refuse to aknowledge your fathers. Why? A mental disorder is a disorder, no matter what you call it. BPD or Bipolar at the end it causes the same pain.

[eng123]

CC - Thank you

It is to SO, and she is a she.

She has told me that "I am not your Dad" when I told her about waiting around for my Dad to show back up

I understand what you are saying, the sacrifice statement really hit home.

I need to learn about codependency.  I don't think that I act like a doormat or give her everything she wants or enable - that was always my impression of codependency.   I am willing to learn and try.

I guess that I was going to try to communicate to her that I could relate to her pain. 

Fighting the you will never understand.

[Colombian Chick]

I guess that I was going to try to communicate to her that I could relate to her pain.

It's great that you are letting her know you can relate. But understand that you are both very different and your pain will have a different root cause. Like I said before, I can read a lot of childhood pain you still haven't dealt with. You can't save a drowning victim, if you have two broken arms and 2 broken legs. You will not be able to help her until you help yourself. Her problems will continue until SHE decides to get help. You can't force her to get help, it simply won't work.

Take focus out of her and put it onto you. The only person you can control and help heal is you. Focusing on what she does or doesn't do wastes time that could be focused on you. She will do what she wants to, why she does it is her business. Again, the only person you can control is you, the only person you can help heal is you.

[2010]

Hi eng123,

CC is right. This does have everything to do with your Father. Luckily (and I mean that sincerely) you have found a present day relationship that mirrors the past.  You'll feel everything that you felt as a child- but now you've got the ability to do something about it. (and I don't mean fixing your partner)

I don't think that I act like a doormat or give her everything she wants or enable - that was always my impression of codependency.

No, you're not acting like a doormat- but you are expressing yourself as a hurt child to her. She is now your cipher to release these emotions that have been kept locked up for years. The frustration you feel concerning your Father is now being transferred on to her. Many people in life do not have this tremendous opportunity to learn about themselves.  They bottle up and deny that the past was difficult. You have these thoughts right at the surface, which makes for a breakthrough. Sometimes it feels like a breakdown- when we get stuck in the tangle of web that the cipher weaves. But, it's not about her- it's about you.

At a certain point, we have to turn the letter writing to ourselves. The process is very painful, but if you could do it- you would find an abandoned child that could use some reassurance that he/she is loved. You'll also come to terms that the love you feel for your present relationship (in spite of the bi-polar) is also the love you wanted or did feel (at one time) for your Father (in spite of the bi-polar.)  

Coming to terms with both people being responsible for their own behavior (and the outcome which is out of your control) should help release the anger that you have stored for your Dad.  Eventually you'll need to grieve the lack of resolution with both parties.

When you can do that- safely- and away from your partner- with introspection that none of this was your fault- you'll feel a tremendous surge of understanding and calm. But it comes with the letting go... .and turning the focus on to yourself.  xoxox

[eng123]

Thank you so much 2010.

Maybe this is a blessing rather than a curse (that is how I thought of it).

I can not disagree that the maximum help can come from the strongest person.  I can do better.

I can help a lot now -  I have lived my life right - good job, home, followed the rules.

I have the normal range of emotions, resiliancy, introspection capability, maturity, sense of reality - I know it.

I am always trying to improve myself.  I have a lot to offer.

I am not trying to help her because I did not try to help my father.  It is out of love.

Expressing as a hurt child - sometimes I can't stop myself - it makes sense.

CC - I also agree that the work and effort should be directed at me - that is where the energy will be best spent.

I don't consider the time and learning up to this point to be wasted - it got me here.  I do feel that time, energy, learning spent on her from this point on would be so inefficient.  It should be like 90% on me and 10% on her right now.

[Colombian Chick]

2010 if I could, I would hug you so hard you wouldn't be able to breath  . I ALWAYS ALWAYS love reading your posts.

Since I can't hug you in person, what I can do is cyberhug you!   xoxox.

Eng123  xoxox,

There is a book I am currently reading and it's called "Longing for Dad: Father loss and its impact" by Beth M. Erickson. I highly recommend you read it. I read on one of your posts that you have read a lot of books because of your dads condition and your girlfriends. Although that is extremely helpful, I think it's time to read books about YOU. And how all of these relationships have affected YOU. So I also suggest you read "Codependent No More". Like I mentioned before, it's time to focus on you.

[eng123]

C C thank you for the suggested reading material. 

There was one other lesson you and 2010 taught me.

I did not perceive this at all.  It did not see it as a problem.  I have gotten along "fine."  She had the problems.

Maybe know I can see why some folks with BPD don't see the need to change or want to change.

Thank you again.

[juner]

She has told me that "I am not your Dad" when I told her about waiting around for my Dad to show back up

Dear eng123,

This line jumped out at me. I could be wrong, because I don't know how this conversation played out, but I'm wondering whether you could have used some validation or reassurance after telling her how were hurt by your father and she instead hijacked your words and turned the focus back to herself. Is it always all about her? If you find yourself talking to the illness (bipolar or whatever) that's a force bigger than the both of you. And if left untreated you won't get what you need out of the relationship. And you deserve so much more.

xoxox

I do feel that time, energy, learning spent on her from this point on would be so inefficient.

[eng123]

I visited several websites on codependency today - the only thing that I can say is that I am in shock.

It is very similar to the shock of finding out about BPD, there was a reason how I have been treated by her.

I know now how she felt when I first told her about BPD - embarrassment, suprise, unknown, angry at myself - many things.

I guess I had some pre-conceptions about the word - partners of alcoholics, abused women, caring for irresponsible kids... .

I have to dig into this, I guess that I am repeating myself from another post - I never saw myself this way. 

I saw myself as the anti-codependent (based on the pre-conception definition) and independent.

I don't feel like I should be spending my time here talking about BPDs, if I am not learning and understanding and figuring this out, then I am spending my time on the wrong things.

The I'm not your Dad line - it was after the 1st time she disappeared on me (locked herself away from the world and all her friends - "being focused"  - I took it as she wouldn't disappear - I did not see it as selfish - this is way before BPD ever crossed my mind.

[Colombian Chick]

Eng123  xoxox,

Like you, when I read and learned about codependence I was shocked  . I felt "damaged" and emberrassed. I refused it at first, but after after about an hour of two or reading I accepted it. I figured I had to face the music and start healing so that I could reach peace of mind. If you read "Longing for Dad: Father loss and its impact" by Beth M. Erickson, it will also open your eyes even more. It is all connected, our father loss, codependence, and how this all affected our relationships with our partners. It isn't easy, for me, I felt he had the problem, he needed to change, he caused all our problems. But after reading countless books, I had to realize I had problems too  :'(.

Keep reading and learning, I know this is a BPD site but it also helps us a lot.