Need to vent on... "I'm dying"

[samsara]

My uBPDbf has been particularly dysregulated lately, but came up with a new one last night that took everything in my power to hold it together and not shut myself in my room and lock the door.

He said to me "I think I'm dying".

I asked him to clarify his statement, trying to figure out whether or not this was a suicide threat or another attention-getting game.

He then proceeded to tell me all about (some unsettling medical issue he's been dealing with ... .again).

He went on about who he would want to take care of his cats, and that he would sign "everything over to me" and that his "(sister) doesn't get anything" and "(daughter's) mom doesn't get anything either!"    

I told him that (I would make sure that his daughter got everything he wanted her to have and that) he should really consider going to see a doctor about this issue, because I am neither a doctor nor a psychiatrist.

He was up well into the middle of the night talking to himself and pacing, but thankfully now that we have separate rooms it makes nights like this more bearable.

Is the "I'm dying" routine a typical BP thing?  

This is the first I've seen him do that - obviously he must be upping the output on the F.O.G. machine because his usual attempts no longer work on me.

Of course everything is back to "normal" today, all hunky dory, not a peep out of him about this particular issue he was so bound up about last night.

[fogbound]

My BPDw has claimed to been dying from but not limited to: breast cancer, cervical cancer, severe allergies, skin cancer, malnutrition and neurovascular disease. There may have been others that I've forgotten about. It was always an excuse to  me in or get attention diverted from anything else back to her.

Don't fall for it... .that's easy for me to say.

[redrover]

my XBPD was supposedly being worked up fro MS ( althgouh when I listened to any phone messages- it was ALWAYS the MD office saying " everything came back neggaative, / clear" so I suspect she is still kicking around , at least it isn't near me anymore... .

[LTA]

Well from my own experience, last seaparation there was some type of blodd disorder and now this one with divorce papers signed, she is insinuating a type of cancer (don't want to be specific for anonymity sake). Its hard not to react bu as someone told me here on these boards---she doesn't need me she needs a surgeon. Sounds harsh but so much deception... .cry wolf... .the ononstop dramas. Can't be part of it anymore. I have my own health to deal with. Not easy though. But... .

[Sonnyboy56]

My wife says she's dying from time to time. I think it's just her way of making me pay more attention to her. I think it's more NPD then BPD.

[2010]

People with BPD can certainly feel like they are dying. It is as real to them as a near death experience. Whether it's from medical fears or feelings of worthlessness- mostly it's about feeling abandoned and scared.  Their initial parental response was one of neglect, or worse, shame- so these fearful feelings from early childhood were never given a chance to regulate. Nor were they taught to self-soothe- so naturally, they look to others to help process the discomfort as adults. Unfortunately, they choose partners that have the same responses to them as their parents (shame, disbelief, blame, etc.)

It's no wonder they choose people who represent the initial parenting style- whether discounting them or shaming them- the response does nothing more than throw both ends of a rope to person in sinking quicksand and continues their fear. Alas, two wrongs dont make a right and the BPD partner never learns to self soothe while staying with a partner who cannot help them with empathy. The BPD search for a savior behavior is a self-fulfilling prophecy unless they can stop looking towards the very people that continue the imprint of distrust.

If you cannot change your lack of empathy- then the best thing you can do is to let them go.

[AMust]

My almost exuH wishes death on himself because he is so miserable.   He lost his job recently and felt so abandoned and alone becaue we are divorcing, which he still doesn't want, that he tried killing himself recently.  He couldn't get a hold of me because I was in a meeting and was so desperate for attention that he called who he knew would be there - 911.  He was in the attic with a rope tied around a rafter and his neck, police broke down the door and he jumped just as they got there, so that he would save him.  Cops took him in for psych eval and released him the next day when he was his dr.Jekyll self.  It's their desperate need for attention. I just realized that that is the main reason why our marriage is over.  He wanted all my attention and when I would come home from work, fix supper, do dishes, help kids with homework and get them bathed and in bed while he sat on the couch watching tv and I would get resentful and pull away and not be attentive, he would call his family or talk to the neighbors and tell them that we were fighting and making up things about me to get their sympathy and have all of their attention.  Maybe if he would have spent that energy complaining doing something with the kids and me but it was easier to get it from strangers.  He needs attention that's why he wants to be a standup comedian so that all eyes can be on him and so that he can control people's emotions.  How about using all that energy on those who matter.  So sad for all of us.

[Unicorn]

My almost exuH wishes death on himself because he is so miserable ... .So sad for all of us.

Amust ... .I can only imagine that to have been such a hard experience for you.  I hope you're ok.  I see what you're saying about expending energy on worthwhile things, instead of negative things.  I wish my uBPH would do this too.

My uBPH has not gone to this degree, but many times has mentioned ending his life.  I used to have nightmares about it.  I also think its to do with how miserable he's feeling and not that he wants to end his life, but rather the pain.   And he has such little ability to organise himself, that rather than go and get help or change something in himself, he just resorts to excuses.  He's a total hypochondriac.  There is always some ailment to focus on to draw attention away from what ever I want us to discuss.  Its a sore back, sore neck, toothache, lump on his chest, going deaf, arthritis, cant see any more like he used to, and so on.  Mostly aging things, like I have, but I dont need to mention them every other day to everyone and sundry.  I dont doubt he has them, but they jsut get raised at the most ridiculous times.  Talking about separating when suddenly... .cough, cough,  I think Im coming down with something... .etc.  Now I just play it up as much as possible... .oh, you must be getting the swine flu, its really bad, someone at work got it and is in hospital... .haha it really freaks him out... .but hey, he asked for it.

[LTA]

If you cannot change your lack of empathy- then the best thing you can do is to let them go.

Can you elaborate on this 2010. i am not disagreeing its just that after countless acts of forgiveness for extreme irrational behavior ande continuous empathy it does not seem to make a change.  There did not appear to be any realization on my dBPD's part. In other words, I do not see how any more empathy could possibly help.  At this point it just seems like enabling. Perhaps it is not us nons that are incapabale of displaying sufficient empathy but us nons coming to the understanding that what ever efforts we make will not mean a hill of beans to the one suffering from BPD.

I don't believe it is more empathy they require but a free fall. If, after having moments of clarity, they continue their destructive behaviors, the next hope is waking up one day and realizing what a mess they have created. Following this is a choice-self-honesty or contiued pain.

I for one have made the mistake of allowing her to take, take, take without any real reprecussions. Sure she feels pain and it is very real to her but so were the times when she knew something was terribly wrong with her words and actions. As a matter of fact, the bookcase full of various self-help books and her seeking answers (looking for an easier and softer way as AA states) to me, is testament to her insight.

Wecan not do anymore for those who will  not do for  themselves. There is a point in one's life when excuses of childhood traumas no longer fly. Yes it  is awful and they should be given support but support is just that support of one dealing with problems. It is not being there as they continue a decent into dewstruction takking everyone with them. IMHO you are right they should be let go out of kindness and hope they will suffer enough to act resonsibly not because us nons are not capable of sufficient  empathy.