An additional question to NC vs. Silent Treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

I thought about replying to that question, but it already appeared answered, so I thought I'd ask another question on my mind about something similar, but from a different perspective.  My question relates to the actions of a Borderline that forces us to go into NC in the first place.

So, what I'm wondering is why do you think, or rather when and what circumstances occur, that cause a pwBPD to contact us in the first place after weeks, months, or even years of being NC.  The reason I'm asking this question is due to what I've learned about BPD recently, in that a pwBPD is actually stuck emotionally as a 2-3 year old (this is inconceivable by the way until I remember some of the tantrums I watched my exBPDgf throw).  And, because they are stuck emotionally at 2-3 years of age, they have no or just plain lack "Object Constancy" similar to a 2 year old crying uncontrollably because they feel abandoned by their Mom even though Mom just left the room for a minute.  So, because of this great fear they have of being abandoned, I've learned that they basically live under the omen "Out of Site, Out of Mind".  Therefore, what I've struggled with is the fact that my exBPDgf has basically placed me in the Bad Person Box, forgetting completely all the good things about me and our relationship because she has "Split" me into this person, and therefore, has been able to forget about our relationship since the pain would be too great for her to accept it.  And thus, she moves on without a thought in her mind that I even existed.  This may be an exaggeration, but it is how it feels when I hear this is a typical scenario of a pwBPD, and knowing her actions have already shown how fast she can move onto someone else, and profess love to them within a month. 

So, it comes down to the question above, in that if I am "Out of Site, Out of Mind", then why would I have to worry about her contacting me in the first place.  Is it basically only when her new relationship goes bad, as we all know it eventually will, that she will contact every known person in her life to try to fill the void?  Am I exaggerating this reaction, in that, she does remember some of the good things about me and our relationship?  Is it clear to assume that since I have not heard from her in over a month, she has once again moved on?

I guess I ask these questions because it is so hard for me to fathom someone is like this, especially because I tried so hard to believe what she was telling me was truth, when now I feel like I was actually in a really bad dream for two and a half years, and nothing that was said to me was true.  I need to find closure from her, and I realize now more than ever I am going to have to do it on my own, by asking some really tough questions about myself as to why I was with her in the first place, and why I was so willing to overlook all the stare me in the face   over and over again, hoping that my instincts were wrong and she truly did care for me.  I figure trying to find answers to better understand her may help, but then again, maybe I will never be able to understand this.

[16floorsup]

I thought about replying to that question, but it already appeared answered, so I thought I'd ask another question on my mind about something similar, but from a different perspective.  My question relates to the actions of a Borderline that forces us to go into NC in the first place.

So, what I'm wondering is why do you think, or rather when and what circumstances occur, that cause a pwBPD to contact us in the first place after weeks, months, or even years of being NC.  The reason I'm asking this question is due to what I've learned about BPD recently, in that a pwBPD is actually stuck emotionally as a 2-3 year old (this is inconceivable by the way until I remember some of the tantrums I watched my exBPDgf throw).  And, because they are stuck emotionally at 2-3 years of age, they have no or just plain lack "Object Constancy" similar to a 2 year old crying uncontrollably because they feel abandoned by their Mom even though Mom just left the room for a minute.  So, because of this great fear they have of being abandoned, I've learned that they basically live under the omen "Out of Site, Out of Mind".  Therefore, what I've struggled with is the fact that my exBPDgf has basically placed me in the Bad Person Box, forgetting completely all the good things about me and our relationship because she has "Split" me into this person, and therefore, has been able to forget about our relationship since the pain would be too great for her to accept it.  And thus, she moves on without a thought in her mind that I even existed.  This may be an exaggeration, but it is how it feels when I hear this is a typical scenario of a pwBPD, and knowing her actions have already shown how fast she can move onto someone else, and profess love to them within a month. 

So, it comes down to the question above, in that if I am "Out of Site, Out of Mind", then why would I have to worry about her contacting me in the first place.  Is it basically only when her new relationship goes bad, as we all know it eventually will, that she will contact every known person in her life to try to fill the void?  Am I exaggerating this reaction, in that, she does remember some of the good things about me and our relationship?  Is it clear to assume that since I have not heard from her in over a month, she has once again moved on?

I guess I ask these questions because it is so hard for me to fathom someone is like this, especially because I tried so hard to believe what she was telling me was truth, when now I feel like I was actually in a really bad dream for two and a half years, and nothing that was said to me was true.  I need to find closure from her, and I realize now more than ever I am going to have to do it on my own, by asking some really tough questions about myself as to why I was with her in the first place, and why I was so willing to overlook all the stare me in the face   over and over again, hoping that my instincts were wrong and she truly did care for me.  I figure trying to find answers to better understand her may help, but then again, maybe I will never be able to understand this.

[T2H]

It's very confusing - and tough for us to deal with.  Some things will never make sense no matter how much you try to analyze it.  :)o your feelings/emotions always make sense?  :)o you ever feel fear when you're not in danger?  This is their world - 24x7x365.

If she feels like contacting you, she will.  If she doesn't, she won't.  It's basically that simple.  The reasons behind it can be many and complex though.  Not only can she do it because the new relationship is bad - but also because it's too good (fear of losing oneself completely).  A pwBPD doesn't ever want to feel abandoned - so they will put things in play in an attempt to avoid that - continued contact with ex's, backups, whatever.

Continue reading and learning.  You won't understand it all - but it will help you be ok with letting go the need to.

Bottom line: the more you focus on her - what's going on with her - why she does the things she's does - etc - the longer it'll take you to heal/grow/move-on.  But some self-reflection - as it relates to things you said, did, ignored in the relationship - is a good thing.

[DAS]

I don't think they "forget" their significant relationships any more than we do. My ex talked about her high school boy friend. And her most recent ex. And a few in between. What changes is their rememberance. That's where the black and white painting come in. What they "remember" could have no basis in reality.

Remember, it's not a rule that they will try to reconnect. Mine certainly hasn't.

Crazy comes in all varieties in pwBPD. The only consistency is that there is no logic, rationale or even common sense that describes what they do.

I guess I ask these questions because it is so hard for me to fathom someone is like this, especially because I tried so hard to believe what she was telling me was truth, when now I feel like I was actually in a really bad dream for two and a half years, and nothing that was said to me was true.  I need to find closure from her, and I realize now more than ever I am going to have to do it on my own, by asking some really tough questions about myself as to why I was with her in the first place, and why I was so willing to overlook all the stare me in the face   over and over again, hoping that my instincts were wrong and she truly did care for me.  I figure trying to find answers to better understand her may help, but then again, maybe I will never be able to understand this.

As I may have said to you before... .If it helps, she probably believed she cared about you. When she did. The problem is that those feelings aren't consistent enough to build a relationship upon. She couldn't commit to being the same person day after day.

[2010]

Is it basically only when her new relationship goes bad, as we all know it eventually will, that she will contact every known person in her life to try to fill the void?

It's very important to consider the cycles of BPD. They are people with holes in their bucket, so anyone or anything used *will not be kept or contained* in the bucket. Until they plug their holes in their own bucket- they will never be filled up. The search is on -for constant sources to fill the bucket. This endless search keeps them from feeling unworthy of living. it also distracts them from fixing the holes.

What easier source to derive from, than a person that has already been subsumed? Like a contract worker in the phone book- you will be called upon to resume your unfinished job. The same job that cannot be fixed by anyone other than the BPD them self.

Like an emergency vial left in the medicine cabinet, you serve as a source of BPD self. You hold a repository of energy that was once directed toward the BPD and that energy is unresolved.

Meaning that- you (the contact worker) aren't quite sure what is going on with them (the unfinished job,) because you're entire relationship (actually, an interaction) was based on a constantly moving goal. So the game never finished, the job was never done- you just took a break. The halftime show was the BPD "acting out" in behaviors that perplexed you, but kept you transfixed on the sidelines, waiting and watching, for one more chance to jump in the game and try to fix the problem again.

Look around you there on the benches- at the sidelines. You'll see quite a few people all waiting to get back into the game. All waiting to try and end this mess.

But that's not what the BPD wants. The more people who lend a hand and return to play again- the more to keep the BPD from realizing the consequences of his/her behavior. And the consequences of his/her behavior is mental illness- unless the BPD can realize what the problem is and why they do things and then make a start toward a better defined self and responsibility to self.

A long tough road, Realistically, not a reality without direct therapy and an impartial therapist that allows for transference without counter transference.  (Counter transference is the bane of existence in a therapists dealings with BPD.) The BPD'r is seductive and immoral and needs to be moved down a path and toward a goal of self-determination without using others. Using others is what BPD is really all about.

[SoMuchPain]

Look around you there on the benches- at the sidelines. You'll see quite a few people all waiting to get back into the game. All waiting to try and end this mess.

what a great analogy.  i look around on the sidelines.  she is in the game right now with current gf.  on the sidelines (and these are only the ones I know about), are myself, along with 6 women and a man from within the past 3-4 years.  and the worst part is, i run into my other "teammates" ALL THE TIME.  such a weird team i wish i never joined.

[2010]

and the worst part is, i run into my other "teammates" ALL THE TIME.

IMO, this is the most insidious part about being in love with a BPD.

People with BPD *seduce* They elevate people to respond (action) by mirroring their best representation and by saying, "you're the only one who understands me, you're the only one who cares... ." then one day, when you're not available to them- their frustration that you *do not exist* solely for their needs-splits you into a bad object.

With incredible core shame activated, they must recover, the only way they know how- by clinging to a new source, to get a sense of "self." They swiftly begin recruiting a new target by the same methods of flattery and seduction. Or... .they return to an old source to re-engage in seductive behaviors and with a sack of sorry's camouflaged in blame. What's important to note- is the shallow emotions they have in order to do this- while appearing quite deep.

Soon, there are a "team" of cast off bad objects who still remember what it was like to be "good." Each person is certain that they are the only one who really understands the BPD; the only person -who really cares. The elevation and adoration is like a drug. The FOG brainwashing worked.  

Because BPD involves others to offset blame- it's a group of people- there are group effects.

A cognitive bias then occurs in the group- where each person is influenced by the perception of the other's in the group.  A cognitive bias is the human tendency to draw incorrect conclusions based on thoughts and feelings rather than evidence.  

Each person fights (in their own mind) against the belief that they *may not* be as good as they think- for the BPD, and begin to judge themselves against others in the group (this is toxic shame) They may fight against this by comparing and then declaring themself as the best person to handle the BPD- (this is denial of reality and self-serving)- and they begin to fight against the others in the group, believing that the others are not right for the BPD, or are the *cause* of the problems, not the Borderline. While this may have some truth to it- this is trying to control the uncontrollable- taking the abuse and trying to control the abused, as well as the abuser.

Acting under the theory, that, if only all the rest of these people would see the love you two have- they would realize they need to back out gracefully and go away, the stage is set for triangulation (read definition) and in-group fighting. Meanwhile, the Borderline person is still acting out, still finding new sources and really, getting allot out of the triangulation (read definition)- as it appears now that the entire group is crazy with each other- not the borderline... .

This helps perpetuate the splitting (because of the anger involved) and moves the desires of the Nons further away from the "good" representation they seek from the BPD, which really only existed in the NON's mind as a reality. In the BPD's mind it was just a fantasy. And each person was used to support the seductive, clinging, hating behaviors as necessary. The seniority in the group goes to the one person who prefers denial or just cannot get away because of legalities. In my group, that was two people who went back and had been triangulated with each other for 30 years. (I was a relative newcomer with only 5 years.)

With no legal ties and no further denial about BPD- I had to realize that my need for the (initial) adoration of my specialness and my uniqueness was only the BPD's choreographed seduction plan to keep me coming back for more. Overcoming the fantasy and letting go (detox) of the drug was painful and depressing, but the alternative was a healthy reality- as well as the ability to have a healthy future not dependent on the acting out behaviors of a character disordered brain.

Every day gets better, as I stand and wave bye-bye.

[turtlesoup]

Really interesting 2010. During our whole relationship there was always triangulation (read definition) either real and physical or she would be firing off emails. I always felt that I was fighting for this and had to prove myself and did feel that I was the only one who got her and that our rel. was special. There are a TEAM of exs and friends who she abuses to some degree.

Its really interesting to think of myself as a form of supply for her. Even our last communication which was basically a weekend of arguing of email only served for her to basically play down the entire relationship and now, i guess she has realised all hope is lost she actually admitted "you were drafted in to help the situation"... .that sentence flawed me, and I remember replying with what must be foreign or just gulliable idiot retort... ."no, I thought we were having a two way adult love relationship".

She doesn't even attempt to hide anymore than I am/was supply. Like the contract worker... .drafterd in to help a situation! This was 2 years of my life and devotion. Its such a put down and a slap and simply shows me that she was just playing a role/playing a game because during those two years at no time did she make out these were the rules! I was "the only person to understand her", she wanted us to have a life together and move in. I can't wait for the day when being used like that and then basically being told outright the whole rel. was a joke jut washes over me, but its a really bitter pill.

[VanessaG]

2010, that was extremely insightful and resonated with me based on my experience with my pwBPD.

And TS, not unlike you, near the end, when he'd found his new supply, he actually wrote to me that "my adult fantasy is that she will rescue me."

At some point I did tell him that only HE could rescue HIM, and that was one of many things that had him painting me black (I am sure.)

I have not heard from mine since I sent a final email with the words (among others), "please let me go."

I think a great deal of the reason I have not heard from him is that he knows that I am "on to him."  Not that he is evil, but that he is troubled, and that I am self-assured enough not to be pulled into the game again.  So what use am I to him? 

None. 

I do not for a minute think it was because I asked him to let me go, because there were plenty of push/pull fights in which I'd said similar words.  This time I think he knew that I really was finished, and the well was dry.

No supply, painted black.  Goodbye.  Dead to him, really, I am sure, other than a name to dredge up as another example of someone who had "let him down."  (I was in good 'n plenty company in that category.  Everyone had "let him down."

VanessaG

[T2H]

Wow, VanessaG - that was exactly the same as what happened in my case (from my side and my ex).

Kinda sucks but... .

[Normally normal]

I've not had a SO with BPD but I do have a mother who has it.  What I have observed with her when her relationships are terminated (for whatever reason), it is always the other persons fault. They didn't do any wrong so you have no reason in their eyes to rebuff any contact however far down the line from them.

In the case of my mother, she terminated a relationship with her brother over 20 years ago.  Although the decision to terminate the relationship was her decision and based on nothing more than an imaginary mistrust of his loyalty, she has at various points over the last 20 years, attempted to make contact with him.  She portrays herself as the victim, has no knowledge of the final conversation (as she has rewritten it in her head), and blames him entirely for the feud and keeping it going.

She has done exactly the same with my biological father - she divorced him, slandered him and made his life a misery but years later, she expects they can be 'friends'?

In my opinion, they have absoultely no idea of the devastation and hurt that they cause.  Things which would genuinely evoke emotions in normal healthy people are alien to them.  When things have been good between you previously, they cannot understand finality and they reserve the right to change their mind. 

[T2H]

But why would she want to get back together with someone who harmed her?  Because it's family?  Because she's "being the better person / taking the high road"?  I just don't understand how someone can say "you hurt me beyond belief by abandoning me (or whatever), but now I want us to be friends"... .

Then again, I'm assuming logic, when BPD behaviors often make no sense... .

[Normally normal]

I think alot of it has to do with their inability to remember things clearly and succinctly.  I also think that they are aware of more than we give them credit for.  My mother has emotions the same as you and I - hers just overwhelm her as she feels them so deeply.  I do think they feel shamed by their behaviour sometimes (unless they are NPD) and have an ability to rewrite the past when they are uncomfortable with the memories.

[VanessaG]

My thought on this is because their emotions drive the way they perceive scenarios have played out.

In other words, a non witnesses or is a part of an incident and feels an emotion as a result of how they perceive the events.

A pwBPD feels an emotion (abandonment or need or the desire to be admired) and then they perceive the scenario as fitting that emotion.  For example, the pwBPD with whom I was involved would suffer rages over jealousy.  Well, of course, his emotion couldn't be out of proportion, so he would have to twist my actions as inappropriate in order to fit the emotion that he was feeling in such an overwhelming way.  (Believe me, I got to see that one a lot.)

So if they feel the need to be in contact with you (for whatever reason), they will color the facts surrounding the current state of things to fit the notion that you should, in fact, also want to be in touch with them.  Or twist the way they saw thing go down in such a way to make it so.

Yes, sort of unfathomable to us nons, but once you sort of see and understand the pattern, their actions make a lot more sense.  In a nonsensical sort of way.   

[16floorsup]

and the worst part is, i run into my other "teammates" ALL THE TIME.

IMO, this is the most insidious part about being in love with a BPD.

People with BPD *seduce* They elevate people to respond (action) by mirroring their best representation and by saying, "you're the only one who understands me, you're the only one who cares... ." then one day, when you're not available to them- their frustration that you *do not exist* solely for their needs-splits you into a bad object.

Soon, there are a "team" of cast off bad objects who still remember what it was like to be "good." Each person is certain that they are the only one who really understands the BPD; the only person -who really cares. The elevation and adoration is like a drug. The FOG brainwashing worked. 

Each person fights (in their own mind) against the belief that they *may not* be as good as they think- for the BPD, and begin to judge themselves against others in the group (this is toxic shame) They may fight against this by comparing and then declaring themself as the best person to handle the BPD- (this is denial of reality and self-serving)- and they begin to fight against the others in the group, believing that the others are not right for the BPD, or are the *cause* of the problems, not the Borderline. While this may have some truth to it- this is trying to control the uncontrollable- taking the abuse and trying to control the abused, as well as the abuser.

Acting under the theory, that, if only all the rest of these people would see the love you two have- they would realize they need to back out gracefully and go away, the stage is set for triangulation (read definition) and in-group fighting. Meanwhile, the Borderline person is still acting out, still finding new sources and really, getting a lot out of the triangulation (read definition)- as it appears now that the entire group is crazy with each other- not the borderline... .

This helps perpetuate the splitting (because of the anger involved) and moves the desires of the Nons further away from the "good" representation they seek from the BPD, which really only existed in the NON's mind as a reality. In the BPD's mind it was just a fantasy. And each person was used to support the seductive, clinging, hating behaviors as necessary. The seniority in the group goes to the one person who prefers denial or just cannot get away because of legalities. In my group, that was two people who went back and had been triangulated with each other for 30 years. (I was a relative newcomer with only 5 years.)

2010, this is incredible insight.  I think this hit home the most, because I now see why I came back to her in the first place after a 4 month stent of being away--which is really the reason I struggle the most.  If I had only stayed away I would have been okay, but by going back to her I feel like I wasted an additional year and 1/2 of my life, and only increased the pain and abuse.  Now, I'm stuck with this feeling of rage, because  I can't let go of the fact that I was told all of these things, exactly as you put them, and I even allowed myself to believe them.  Being a physician, I did believe I could help her and was the best thing for her, but I have to realize this is my own self desire, and a false one at that.  Unfortunately, it doesn't take away the feeling of being used and abused, and thus my "Fight Back" instincts continue, and I have to constantly suppress them knowing that the only way to get over this is NC. 

I'm curious, 2010, how long have you been out of your relationship.  This insight is great, and I hope it will sink in for me soon.  Also, I see the use of FOG all the time, but I'm not quite certain if it has meaning to it or not.

As to the idea that she would eventually try coming back to me to use me as a friend, I just hope it comes at a time when I have fully let her go, and can be finally in a feeling of "Indifference" so as to not allow this cycle to continue.

[turtlesoup]

and the worst part is, i run into my other "teammates" ALL THE TIME.

IMO, this is the most insidious part about being in love with a BPD.

People with BPD *seduce* They elevate people to respond (action) by mirroring their best representation and by saying, "you're the only one who understands me, you're the only one who cares... ." then one day, when you're not available to them- their frustration that you *do not exist* solely for their needs-splits you into a bad object.

Soon, there are a "team" of cast off bad objects who still remember what it was like to be "good." Each person is certain that they are the only one who really understands the BPD; the only person -who really cares. The elevation and adoration is like a drug. The FOG brainwashing worked. 

Each person fights (in their own mind) against the belief that they *may not* be as good as they think- for the BPD, and begin to judge themselves against others in the group (this is toxic shame) They may fight against this by comparing and then declaring themself as the best person to handle the BPD- (this is denial of reality and self-serving)- and they begin to fight against the others in the group, believing that the others are not right for the BPD, or are the *cause* of the problems, not the Borderline. While this may have some truth to it- this is trying to control the uncontrollable- taking the abuse and trying to control the abused, as well as the abuser.

Acting under the theory, that, if only all the rest of these people would see the love you two have- they would realize they need to back out gracefully and go away, the stage is set for triangulation (read definition) and in-group fighting. Meanwhile, the Borderline person is still acting out, still finding new sources and really, getting a lot out of the triangulation (read definition)- as it appears now that the entire group is crazy with each other- not the borderline... .

This helps perpetuate the splitting (because of the anger involved) and moves the desires of the Nons further away from the "good" representation they seek from the BPD, which really only existed in the NON's mind as a reality. In the BPD's mind it was just a fantasy. And each person was used to support the seductive, clinging, hating behaviors as necessary. The seniority in the group goes to the one person who prefers denial or just cannot get away because of legalities. In my group, that was two people who went back and had been triangulated with each other for 30 years. (I was a relative newcomer with only 5 years.)

2010, this is incredible insight.  I think this hit home the most, because I now see why I came back to her in the first place after a 4 month stent of being away--which is really the reason I struggle the most.  If I had only stayed away I would have been okay, but by going back to her I feel like I wasted an additional year and 1/2 of my life, and only increased the pain and abuse.  Now, I'm stuck with this feeling of rage, because  I can't let go of the fact that I was told all of these things, exactly as you put them, and I even allowed myself to believe them.  Being a physician, I did believe I could help her and was the best thing for her, but I have to realize this is my own self desire, and a false one at that.  Unfortunately, it doesn't take away the feeling of being used and abused, and thus my "Fight Back" instincts continue, and I have to constantly suppress them knowing that the only way to get over this is NC. 

I'm curious, 2010, how long have you been out of your relationship.  This insight is great, and I hope it will sink in for me soon.  Also, I see the use of FOG all the time, but I'm not quite certain if it has meaning to it or not.

As to the idea that she would eventually try coming back to me to use me as a friend, I just hope it comes at a time when I have fully let her go, and can be finally in a feeling of "Indifference" so as to not allow this cycle to continue.

Hi

But knowing this now, as you do, that it would just be using you for supply will surely make it easier. Like you, I really didnt want her to contact me... and I still don't, because Im not strong enough but I really think seeing things as they are, knowing in my case at least, that we were just being used as supply, wouldnt be kinda sweet to get that mail and just delete it. I certainly feel stronger now i understand motive and i have 2010 to thank for that. I will come back to this thread and read it again and again. For me at least its really important.

And like vanessa, yes, as soon as i was onto her (even though i didnt see it quite the way it was laid out here), she knew i was "spent" and not coming back... .all the I love yous disappeared... .quite!

[VanessaG]

Wow, VanessaG - that was exactly the same as what happened in my case (from my side and my ex).

I was NC for a couple of months with my pwBPD before I found this website.

Yes, I knew something was wrong with him, that he was mentally ill, he was an alcoholic, but when I came hear and read about the patterns of behavior, the rages, the emptiness that he felt, and how quickly he moved on when he'd used me up, I was just absolutely gobsmacked at the similarities between my story and so many others.

It has helped me greatly in healing to be able to better understand.

And I am so relieved (but yes, a little sad from time to time, even now) that he decided I was unable to give of myself any more.

TS, you have come a long way, baby.  We were both at an ugly place, a similar one, when I got here, and for me, it's always grand to hear how well you're healing and moving on.   

VanessaG

[turtlesoup]

Wow, VanessaG - that was exactly the same as what happened in my case (from my side and my ex).

I was NC for a couple of months with my pwBPD before I found this website.

Yes, I knew something was wrong with him, that he was mentally ill, he was an alcoholic, but when I came hear and read about the patterns of behavior, the rages, the emptiness that he felt, and how quickly he moved on when he'd used me up, I was just absolutely gobsmacked at the similarities between my story and so many others.

It has helped me greatly in healing to be able to better understand.

And I am so relieved (but yes, a little sad from time to time, even now) that he decided I was unable to give of myself any more.

TS, you have come a long way, baby.  We were both at an ugly place, a similar one, when I got here, and for me, it's always grand to hear how well you're healing and moving on.   

VanessaG

Thank you. - Yep them were some ugly days alright... .so many tears for that woman its not even funny, they say one day you'll look back and laugh... .not laughing yet more shaking head in disbelief, maybe the laughing will come when we find decent partners? All the best Van x

[2010]

16floorsup... ."you're the only one who understands me, you're the only one who cares... ."

The pitfall to this, is the almost psychopathic green light go-ahead to further involvement. It can suggest appreciation, longing, comfort, salvation that they have found you, their soulmate. It can also be misconstrued by you, as a shared understanding of who *you* are.

Doctors, Nurses, Firefighters, Flight Attendants, all have “protect and serve” philosophy- in a professional capacity with responsibility at the core. If you are in the healing profession- or consider yourself to be a good, kind, caring person- the healing behavior will be like a beacon to the Borderline. The Borderlines Waif or "unsung hero/heroine" behavior will also appear very attractive to the professional rescuer/healer, so the two go together, as a functional dissociation of amygdala-modulated arousal and cognitive appraisal. In other words, they appeal to you in ways that have immense value that supports who *you* are.

(It's also important to note that a Borderline can be a chameleon, appearing as a self-sufficient, independent person. This chameleon behavior is only to attract you as a host.)

VanessaG... .other than a name to dredge up as another example of someone who had "let him down."

Turtlesoup... .I can't wait for the day when being used like that and then basically being told outright the whole rel. was a joke just washes over me, but its a really bitter pill.

I know exactly how you feel- scapegoated. I purchased James F. Masterson's book on The Narcissistic and Borderline Disorders written in 1988 and my jaw dropped. A few of these revelations were important enough to free me from the severe effects and toxic shame of splitting- so I'd like to pass them along below:

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Borderlines are people in psychological bondage.  Their earliest source of human interaction (the Mother, i.e; parental object) may have also been in psychological bondage- and clung to others.  The easiest person to cling to- is a person who cannot say no, i.e., her child.

The Mother may have idolized the infant at birth as a reflection of herself but never allowed the child to separate (autonomy.)

Instead of raising her child to be authentic and with a solid concept of self, she subsumed and objectified the baby as a permanent part of herself. Mother adored the baby as a reflection of herself, causing the baby to mirror and then cling to her - in response to Mother’s fears. Mother then began to suspect and fear the child’s separateness which triggered her own separation anxiety and she began to scapegoat the child for having its own mind.

This taught the infant to hide the true self and provide a false self instead, one that was the perfect mirror to prove worthiness and to survive the whims of the hypercritical Parent. The child learned that to become something other than an “object,” a mirror… was wrong.  Any attempt to become something other than the objectified mirror triggered the Mother’s separation anxiety. The Mother, and perhaps Father in turn, said, “Who do you think you are?” scapegoating the child for its efforts to detach from them.

According to James F. Masterson, scapegoating is the cause for the Borderline’s failure to learn the necessary *adaptive skills* to free themselves from bondage. Their frustration turns inwardly directed and results in “generally some form of sado-masochistic sexual adaptation, which reflects the earlier level of aggression and conflict.”  (Pg. 135 The Narcissistic and Borderline Disorders. Masterson author)

If you’ve ever wondered why sex is so incredible with a Borderline- it’s because they use it to serve you while fulfilling their bondage compulsion. Does the borderline love?  Yes. Does that love equate with freedom to be and live the way they want? No. Love has been taught to be a choreographed pattern of response to their objectification (nullification of self)- with servitude, mirroring, and clinging to ensure that they survive. To a Borderline: “Love is Bondage.”

You will be admired, adored and then clung to and when you attempt to peel them off and expect them to be self sufficient- they will use the only thing they were taught - SCAPEGOATING.

See how this works?

What was once a masochistic self-sacrifice to attach to you and use you as the (good) carrier- now requires a sadistic split.

Problem? The person they perceive to be both worthy of serving and holding them hostage (the current replacement for their Mother) is now telling them they are free to go and be whomever they want to be in life (known to Nons as authentic love and trust.) The Borderline does not understand this and perceives it as a withholding of approval at their compulsive clinging and this eventually turns to the perception that YOU have left THEM. (Love subsequently turns to hate.)

If none of this makes sense, try to think of it this way. Borderlines are not dumb, although they appear to do stupid things.  They are like Remora fish that attach themselves onto sharks.

The original Shark relationship (their very first attachment) was the Mother Shark. It was the Mother Shark’s job to raise the infant shark and send it off as a fully functioning and self reliant Shark. But something occurs in the process, based on the Mother Sharks separation anxiety. Rather than allow the baby Shark to grow up and leave, she begins to cling in fear of letting go- and the baby shark responds by making itself smaller and weaker, effectively turning itself into an attachment on the Mother Shark, (like a Remora fish.)

The two then begin to swim around the Ocean together, with the fake Remora eyeballing every other Shark that swims by as a possible source to cling to other than “Mother Shark.”

Spotting a new “Mother” source, the fake Remora must detach and puff up in stature so it appears to be a Shark, swimming alone. (Borderlines know that to detach before a new Shark can be found is very frightening- so they don’t detach from one source unless they are certain that they can attach to the new source successfully.) Mirroring the new source is done with a candied hook of adoration and valuation (this is the truth- they really do need you to survive.) without appearing too eager or undeserving or too pathetic.

Once you are successfully coupled, (based on what is an *incorrect* mutual perception that you are both sharks) Borderlines begin to switch back to being clinging Remoras, as this is what their perception is of an "intimate connection": i.e; one of bondage and servitude taught in childhood.  

The new “Mother” Shark (that's you) becomes annoyed, and begins to coax, calm and cajole the once free shark *to stop -Please- stop!* being a Remora- trust that everything is OK and will turn out fine and relax and go back to being a Shark again- like when you first met.

With the new “Mother” shark (you) encouraging detachment and the Remora (borderline) discouraging detachment- the behaviors (a dual mix of servitude to each other) begin to clash. The Borderline mind rails against the thought that they are able to swim as Sharks on their own (impossible!) and they panic and act impulsively to seek a new Shark to attach to- while scapegoating the former Shark. (Scapegoating= a taught behavior from childhood)

The impulsive Behaviors and scapegoating are their brains way of working over the same reactions to intimacy in a repetition compulsion- but they fail to see the futility of their failed efforts. Logic is not the Borderlines strong point.

If they had been taught logic in their childhood- rather than be at the whims of capricious caretakers, they would have understood long ago that this pattern of self-sabotaging behavior is reflecting on their programming in childhood and their parents were wrong.

All of this programming operates so far under the surface of things- the subconscious- that it’s like a hidden bug in the operating system.  There isn’t a pill or a virus scan that will cure it.

A new program has to be installed and that cannot be done until the owner of the computer agrees that their hard drive has crashed and they need a new system install.

Until then, consider it defective until the owner takes responsibility.

[szia]

Word, 2010!

And this is a really great analogy; really, really great:

All of this programming operates so far under the surface of things- the subconscious- that it’s like a hidden bug in the operating system.  There isn’t a pill or a virus scan that will cure it.

A new program has to be installed and that cannot be done until the owner of the computer agrees that their hard drive has crashed and they need a new system install.

Until then, consider it defective until the owner takes responsibility.