how come people with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

look and seem so normal when you see them?

[unknown]

look and seem so normal when you see them?

[turtlesoup]

sadly they don't come with devil horns or pitchfork I agree... would be so much easier!  ;p

[unknown]

but why do they seem so normal? its like you only learn the darkside when your in a relationship with them

[DrPhil]

but why do they seem so normal? its like you only learn the darkside when your in a relationship with them

Has to do with their problems with commitment, abandonment etc.

Those are the elements that trigger their behaviour - and in most everyday situations, they won´t feel a lot of pressure in that regard, and hence you won´t spot the tell-tales.

[pinkcloud]

but why do they seem so normal? its like you only learn the darkside when your in a relationship with them

Yep. Very annoying to say the least, because we look like the crazy ones trying to fathom and explain their strange behaviour. And end up the crazy ones for a little while.  But we can get better, hoorah! 

[2010]

Give it some time- you'll be able to spot them with eagle eye precision. They are the people who are extremely attractive, charming, considerate (if only to get attention and their hooks into you) then their behaviors start to go wonky. It's the wonky part that's given less consideration because the charming part is so damn good.

Cluster B people (Histrionic, Narcissistic and Borderline) always gaslight you- because if they can make you believe the behavior isn't that bad or it never happened, they can hide it from themselves. The end result is the character disordered person hides their disorder and the other person wishes and hopes that the disorder doesn't exist.

Most of us ignore the behaviors -until we try to fall asleep at night. That's when we need to tattoo "Actions speak louder than Words" on the insides of our eyeballs.

[T2H]

That's when we need to tattoo "Actions speak louder than Words" on the insides of our eyeballs.

Know any places that do that?   

A lot of people/issues get triggered in romantic relationships but not elsewhere.  I have a friend who is SUPER codependent but with friends, coworkers, etc - he's quite social, balanced, etc.  However with his (now ex) gf - he was like a totally different person.  Even his voice would completely change when he would answer a phone call from her!

It's the "one special intimate relationship" thing.  (I just made that phrase up - hopefully you get the idea)

Sucks tho - that time needs to be put in to identify pwBPD - but that's just the way it is... .  you can't really get to know someone any quicker/easier.  But if it seems too good to be true... .

[VanessaG]

A lot of people/issues get triggered in romantic relationships but not elsewhere.

So true, so true.

I also think you can sometimes see these things with FOO too.

I mean, I cannot think of any environment that brings out the worst, most me-on-a-bad-hair-day behavior than when my dysfunctional family of origin gets together in the same place.  And you add alcohol.  It's like a ticker tape parade of triggers ... .

I think my pwBPD's FOO knew he was pretty messed up.

Superficially, a very together guy.

Perhaps once one has been positively identified we could tattoo them on the forehead?  I know, I know, all the ACLU types will be up in arms, but it would be a bit of a public service, no?   

[Lizzie]

There's a possible way to ID,  a board called don'tdatehimgirl.  They made some spin offs for the guys also.  I've checked to see if my 2 ex crazies, or current crazy and none of them on there. 

[innerspirit]

look and seem so normal when you see them?

Because they have made both conscious and subconscious efforts to be so good at it.  It's taken that seriously -- it's a survival mechanism, they have to convince themselves and others.  So, typically when you encounter a person you suspect to have a PD, he/she has had years of practice.

[unknown]

so all the crazy traits they have mostly come out when they enter a relationship?  even if there not totally in love with the person there with?

[NIO]

It is because they are in the relationship that the behaviour comes out. For a while they may believe in the fairytale they have conjured up, believe it is love as they see it, but it isn`t sustainable. The disorder gets in the way.

[innerspirit]

so all the crazy traits they have mostly come out when they enter a relationship?  even if there not totally in love with the person there with?

I don't know that there are rules -- if there were, the pwBPD wouldn't abide by them.  But it's said that this is a disease of intimacy -- so such behavior may be visible only by close family members, close co-workers and/or Significant Others.  Even if not totally in love with the S.O. they are with.  That's hard to generalize -- it could be a pwBPD's frustration of NOT feeling the fairy-tale love that he/she wants to feel.  Or the ideal family or the ideal work environment.  Or with frustration that bounces around from one close tie to the other -- as with my X.  And ideal was a problem too -- X said he wasn't comfortable with peace-time.

When any new friendship, professional or romantic relationship is in its newest stages, it's for them an exaggerated honeymoon stage of sorts.  It's as the circle gets closer in that the problems start surfacing.  As N10 says

it isn't sustainable

For my X, there's a zillion people out there who have only seen the Golden Boy side.  He is apparently able to maintain that status by having closer people to manipulate and dump on, and in private.

It's on a continuum -- everyone has bad days, everyone (I would think) feels freer in showing a bad mood to those closest to them, even taking it out on them sometimes.  But with a pwBPD, it becomes a rollercoaster ride of acting out and back-pedalling.  With all kind of smoke and mirrors to cover up.