i just recieved an apology after a over a year... could it be sincere

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i used this board quite extensively last summer when i had that lightbulb moment and realized there was a name for my ex bfs crazy behaviour. to make a long stry short... .he left me at 8 months pregnant in feb 2009 and immediately moved in with an ex gf. it was like i had never existed and when my son was born in march... .he pretended as if he did not exist as well. i did not realize how he could behave so coldly and i went through hell because of his actions. the relationship wasa textbook BPD relationship... .extreme highs and lows a real rollercoaster... .the incessant blaming... .unpredictable rages targeted at me... .i thought i was going crazy by the end of it when it felt like he hated me for no apparent reason.

. so after 4 minor breakups within this year... .the new gf decides shes had enough and kicks my ex bf out for good this time. this was 3 months ago and he has since moved cross country. he still contacts her or at least tries too... .but she went no contact 2 months ago. today i get a facebook msg from him after 15 months of no contact stating... .im really truly sorry for everything i did to you guys . how should i read into this... .i want so bad to beleive that he really thinks like a normal person that he is really owning up to everything he did to me and my baby... .but am i just wishful thinking here... .i hate that this man has the ability to still get a rise out of me after all this time... .its really crazymaking  please advise! thanks!

[jupiter]

i used this board quite extensively last summer when i had that lightbulb moment and realized there was a name for my ex bfs crazy behaviour. to make a long stry short... .he left me at 8 months pregnant in feb 2009 and immediately moved in with an ex gf. it was like i had never existed and when my son was born in march... .he pretended as if he did not exist as well. i did not realize how he could behave so coldly and i went through hell because of his actions. the relationship wasa textbook BPD relationship... .extreme highs and lows a real rollercoaster... .the incessant blaming... .unpredictable rages targeted at me... .i thought i was going crazy by the end of it when it felt like he hated me for no apparent reason.

. so after 4 minor breakups within this year... .the new gf decides shes had enough and kicks my ex bf out for good this time. this was 3 months ago and he has since moved cross country. he still contacts her or at least tries too... .but she went no contact 2 months ago. today i get a facebook msg from him after 15 months of no contact stating... .im really truly sorry for everything i did to you guys . how should i read into this... .i want so bad to beleive that he really thinks like a normal person that he is really owning up to everything he did to me and my baby... .but am i just wishful thinking here... .i hate that this man has the ability to still get a rise out of me after all this time... .its really crazymaking  please advise! thanks!

[NIO]

He is contacting you for one reason only... .him. jeez , he walks out on you and your unborn child and contacts you after 15 months via facebook ?

     He will crush you again, please don`t let it happen.

[jupidah]

If you do... .be ready for more hurtful days as he is NOT NORMAL.  It would take yrs and yrs in therapy for this to heal.

Don't get reeled in by him... .It's just a ploy.   Please... .NC  all the way!

Hugs

Jupidah

[Lizzie]

NIO and Judipah are spot on.  I don't know much first hand about reengaging, but what I've read it seems to usually be about them, not you.  If he has BPD he probably isn't able to sit back, like you or I would, after making a huge mistake and understand the magnitude of it and feel remorse the same way we would.  I think it's important to realize, no matter what you want to do with this, that if he has BPD he's not viewing things the way as a person w/o a mental illness.  This makes it difficult for us to know what to do or how to respond.  In most relationships with others, you base some of ur behavior toward them on the premise that most people generally think or operate the same.  It is crazymaking, to try and deal with it, when you realize that they are operating on some whole other, different way of thinking, even tho it sounds and looks pretty much the same.  It looks normal that someone would say "I'm truly sorry for everything i did to you guys" but who knows with a pwBPD.   

That you have a baby with him, makes it all the harder for you and I'm sure more emotionally charged.  What do you think?  Would you like him to be in the babies life?  Has he specifically said anything about the baby?  Asked how the baby is?  Do you think he would move back?

Be careful, especially with a little one involved.  Keep taking care of yourself and baby  x

[Kenneth]

He may very well be sorry, but you know how it is with BPD. He'll say he's sorry, maybe even mean it, but he'll eventually fall into the same predictably unpredictable behavior. It is so difficult to realize and accept this fact. But the other post-ers are right: without a lot of freaking therapy, he ain't gonna change.

I'm very sorry he contacted you and placed this apology in your lap. It's odd. It's as though they tug again at our guilt. As though by saying they're sorry, we're now to blame or something.

I wish things could be different with the BPD-person, that they could actually own their apologies and demonstrate emotional stability. But it's unlikely. And whatever it is inside him that can abandon you and his child is still there. And it's what we all have to accept--that that irrational, mean-spirited and selfish behavior is part of them, a part that they are unable to keep from acting upon.

Hang in there. Stay NC. Do the best thing for yourself and the baby.

warmly,

Kenneth.

[Skip]

One possible way to look at this…

A person that he cares about has rejected him to the point of not even caring to communicate with him. He cares about this person. This person could care less about him. He hurts. It feels bad.  He can't understand how someone could be so cold.

It just dawned on him, that this is what he did to you. He now understands your pain.

Is this an apology?  Or is this an acknowledgment?

Possibly the latter.

Skippy

[szia]

After walking out on you at 8 months pregnant he sends you a one line FB MESSAGE? 

[2010]

One way to quit this guy quick is to call the OW while she's (temporarily) on the outs from him and listen to all of the things she'll project upon you as the bad object he's told her that you are.  |> Instead of actually doing this- how about we do a little reverse psychology and pretend she's calling you? What would you say to her? The two of you are in the same boat- both being used and abused by a disordered mind.

Whoever wins this game is in denial. Denial that the triangulation (read definition) can go on and on until everyone is in old age.  You see, while she's on the outs- she's really thinking that he's going to come back one day. She'd probably be furious if she knew he went back to recycle you after all the bad things he said about you.

So let's suppose you do take him back. Now there's going to be a major blacklisting on her in order to prove to you- that you, indeed, are the true love and she isnt. Meanwhile, she's on the back burner, thinking he just needs some space. Tick, Tock, there's the clock- everyday you'll wake up and wonder if he's going to return to her. You see, if he actually had the fortitude to be a responsible parent- he'd be one. Right now all he has is his guilt.

And that just means he's guilty, not that he wants to be the honest and responsible head of your household.

[ShredHead82]

I got the apology text message 2 months ago after 8 months of NC... .she thanked me for helping her after she treated me like garbage... .said she was the crazy one all along- we talked about BPD- she cried and said 'that's what I have' and said she was going to get help. I was hopeful. But, it's just a cycle. She cycled back into rage within days. I disconnected. And it has gone downhill since then. These are all cycles- remember you are their Angel then the Devil- forever. Do they love us? Who knows- apparently she holds a perfectly fine relationship with the guy she 'has no feelings for'.

[T2H]

Don't react like he would want you to (something along the lines of forgiving him completely, forgetting everything, etc - you have a better idea of what this might be) - just tell him you need some time.  Wait a week or two, and see if he reacts with rage.  If it's sincere and about you, he will allow you what you want/need (for more than two weeks).  Otherwise, it's all about him.  Unfortunately, it's virtually always the latter.

[david]

When my BPDw ran away 2.5 years ago I was devastated. A few months later she called and said I was the best thing that ever happened to her and her leaving was the biggest mistake in her life. She wanted to reconcile. I said we needed to go to counseling. She made the appointment. Two days before the appointment she canceled and sent a nasty email to me telling me she sees clearly now that I am the problem and she will never get back with me. I hadn't talked to her since she called about getting back together so it was nothing I did. If this is your first child you will see when he/she turns around 4 he/she will act the same. Children are not emotionally able to cope with stress very well and will do whatever they need to to relieve their stress just like someone with BPD. It is amusing when a child does it and it is clear. The problem is when adults do that it is unexpected and catches you off guard.

[jupiter]

thank you so much for all of your insightful replies... .its so comforting to know that i always have this board to turn too and vent... .i really thought it was over... .until that msg comes and throws me off balance again. i would love so much to just forget he is disordered and forget all the hurt and pain and just go backto that nice happy blissful place in the very beginning... .where i had never felt such intensity directed at me by another human being... .i still think of those beautiful times where i felt so happy with him... .the happiest i have ever felt... .then i go back to when he eventually became obsessive... .then eventually so so so cruel... .that he ripped my heart out on a daily basis... .and i was in a state of depression... .crying constantly and so tired of defending myself when i know i did nothing wrong. i think Skip you have a valid point there... .the ex gf did to him exactly what he did to me. maybe he does realize now the magnitude of the pain he caused me because he feels it now. 2010... .i have been in contact with the ex... .and i tell you our heads spun when we had our first conversation after he left (he does not know we are in contact with one another) He told her everything was my fault... .i was lazy... .never worked... .etc... .that i was crazy... .raged at him etc... .when it was all the other way around... .i supported him finanically for the majority of our relationship... .so when we both realized that while he was with me... .she was the root of all evil and then when he got back with her i was made out to be the root of all evil... .it really blew us away!when she broke it off with him he was calling her cell up to 30 times a day! like he was and probably still is crazy obsessed with her! he still calls every now and then but she stopped taking his calls two months ago... .she knows he is severely disordered and i know that too... .but in some ways i want the validation from him of all that i went through because of him because he never gave me any closure its was he loved me one minute and the next he was shacked up with her like i had never existed ... .but in the end my logic kicks in and i know he will eventually retreat back to that predictable pattern of crazy behaviour... .i know this in my head... .but my heart just wants to deny that... .it took me forever to get over him and i did... .i still think of him on a daily basis but i do not feel the intensity of the hurt, pain and anger that i felt once before... .i guess no contact is the best way to go i can't afford to let him destroy me again... .that's too big of a risk for me to take and i know my son is better off without his toxicity in his life.its just i get trapped in to thinking that he thinks like i do... .and i have to be more aware of the fact that he just doesn't and he never will. thanks so much for all of your comments... .it really means alot to have this place at times like this. much love!

[szia]

jupiter, you are one smart lady. Good on you! Just stick to NC and you'll be fine. What's also helpful is to disregard the disorder and just look at the nasty behavior for what it is. Totally inappropriate for the father of a young child and TOTALLY inappropriate for the HUSBAND of the mother of his young child.

And you don't want your kid to witness that kind of abuse. It will only perpetuate the cycle. Keep that kid out of range, show him what healthy living is all about, and he will be a strong, self-assured, responsible, vibrant little man. If he sees that rage in his home on a sustained basis, he will take on that rage and pass it along himself. It's the continuum of abuse.

One thing, very minor:

... .the ex gf did to him exactly what he did to me. maybe he does realize now the magnitude of the pain he caused me because he feels it now.

The "ex" gf did NOT do to him what he did to you. He walked out when you were 8 months pregnant. I can think of few things worse (I don't want to think of anything worse - it's too diabolical). Your ex wasn't in his third trimester with this woman's child. This woman has zero responsibility toward your ex. She can do whatever she wants. What probably happened is he raged and she recoiled and he is spinning the story to make him look like the victim. Or something along those lines.

He does not feel magnitude in anything. What he feels is panic because his current validation supply is low-to-empty. So he's fishing for new supply. Magnitude would come in the form of this guy getting his patoot into therapy and behaving like a father and husband. NOT sending a one-liner FB message. I have to admit this one makes my blood boil. After all he's done to you and your child, A ONE-LINER. On FACEBOOK!

Stay away from both of them. Like 2010 describes, it's a toxic triangle. You only win by extracting yourself and staying far, far away.

[havana]

im really truly sorry for everything i did to you guys

I read this & my first thought was that he sent it to you & the other girl. Not to you and your child.

[DAS]

im really truly sorry for everything i did to you guys

I read this & my first thought was that he sent it to you & the other girl. Not to you and your child.

 I think so too.

[thisblonde]

You have emotional debris floating to the surface, you will get over it, again, with n/c of course.  However, though none of my business, I hope he's paying child support!    Take care!

[NoWonder]

   Someone once said "sorry is for A#$holes" .  If ya care for someone you protect them ,their heart and their feelings.You don't need to say it, you just make it right and try to not hurt them again. ... If you do need apologize ... .facebook ? please.A genuine apology is face to face,no excuses .   Mine said sorry 10,000 times... .it meant nothing. Because it was usually "I'm sorry ,but ... .(insert excuse or why it's your fault here) "

                            take care.