BEHAVIORS: Rage

[BPDFamily.com]

My ex-bf hasn't been diagnosed by anyone but, from all I read here and in other places, and in my counsellor's view, he has it.

He doesn't rage, however.  When he's triggered (stressed, something I said or did, or didn't say or do, a day ending in "y", whatever the reason), he sulks, then goes awol as "punishment".   Really good at the silent treatment.

Whenever we've had words he doesn't rage but we did bicker.  Everything was my fault (of course), he is a master at never answering any accusation levelled at him, but rather deflected them back on me "but you did... .,  or you said ... .), then he might act like he's sort of OK, but when I left the next day or that night, I wouldn't hear from him for a few days.  Or he'd sms me with something bland.  If I called, he wouldn't answer the phone even though I knew he had it there as he'd just sms'd me.  When I sms'd back he'd say he didn't feel like talking, was too tired etc and this would go on for a few days until he missed me again.

Every holiday we've had has started great, then one or two days in, it started.  First he blamed feeling guilty he'd left his kids, then it was because I went quiet, then it was because I said something wrong, then because the confirmation for the accommodation was addressed to "Mrs" and my surname (ex-husband's) name rather than Ms (- not that that had anything to do with me, rather an assumption on the booking agent's part).

He gets snide and sarcastic - but all done with a smug grin so that if I called him on it he'd just smile and say that I was taking it the wrong way.  There was no physical contact at all, even trying to hold his hand was like I was poison.  If I tried to hold his hand he would but then he drop[ed it to scratch his nose, adjust his sunglasses etc and didn't make any attempt to pick it back up. And, as for anything else, forget it - unless we'd go to dinner and he had a few drinks.  Then he'd be ok but in the morning it was back to the weirdness.  If I forced the issue or confronted him on his behaviour, he would admit he was dirty but it would then be something I'd done.

On one occasion when we came home, not speaking - and didn't speak for 5 days - he sms'd me asking for a catch up.  When we talked about what happened he said that he felt the need to "pay me back" for making him feel rejected. He asked me if I thought something was wrong with him and if he needed help.  I said yes to both but he never followed through.  Anyway, I digress.  

My question:

Do BPD's always rage or is this whole passive-aggressive thing standard fare for some of them?

Anyone know?

[pbles]

My ex-bf hasn't been diagnosed by anyone but, from all I read here and in other places, and in my counsellor's view, he has it.

He doesn't rage, however.  When he's triggered (stressed, something I said or did, or didn't say or do, a day ending in "y", whatever the reason), he sulks, then goes awol as "punishment".   Really good at the silent treatment.

Whenever we've had words he doesn't rage but we did bicker.  Everything was my fault (of course), he is a master at never answering any accusation levelled at him, but rather deflected them back on me "but you did... .,  or you said ... .), then he might act like he's sort of OK, but when I left the next day or that night, I wouldn't hear from him for a few days.  Or he'd sms me with something bland.  If I called, he wouldn't answer the phone even though I knew he had it there as he'd just sms'd me.  When I sms'd back he'd say he didn't feel like talking, was too tired etc and this would go on for a few days until he missed me again.

Every holiday we've had has started great, then one or two days in, it started.  First he blamed feeling guilty he'd left his kids, then it was because I went quiet, then it was because I said something wrong, then because the confirmation for the accommodation was addressed to "Mrs" and my surname (ex-husband's) name rather than Ms (- not that that had anything to do with me, rather an assumption on the booking agent's part).

He gets snide and sarcastic - but all done with a smug grin so that if I called him on it he'd just smile and say that I was taking it the wrong way.  There was no physical contact at all, even trying to hold his hand was like I was poison.  If I tried to hold his hand he would but then he drop[ed it to scratch his nose, adjust his sunglasses etc and didn't make any attempt to pick it back up. And, as for anything else, forget it - unless we'd go to dinner and he had a few drinks.  Then he'd be ok but in the morning it was back to the weirdness.  If I forced the issue or confronted him on his behaviour, he would admit he was dirty but it would then be something I'd done.

On one occasion when we came home, not speaking - and didn't speak for 5 days - he sms'd me asking for a catch up.  When we talked about what happened he said that he felt the need to "pay me back" for making him feel rejected. He asked me if I thought something was wrong with him and if he needed help.  I said yes to both but he never followed through.  Anyway, I digress.  

My question:

Do BPD's always rage or is this whole passive-aggressive thing standard fare for some of them?

Anyone know?

[T2H]

No, pwBPD don't always rage (eg. waif).  Neither do pwNPD - although most do.

Many are passive-aggressive.  But not all people who are that way have BPD.

[js friend]

My expwBPD is a typical rager but also does the passive-aggressive thing too.

He would get soo mad on the phone that he would hang up on me,walked out many times at vairous times during the night and day and driven off like a mad man,and told me to get away from his car or he would run me over!

He also did the passive aggressive stuff by rejecting my calls,not replying to texts often for weeks at at time,making plans with me and then not showing up and then switching  his phone off until like you said "he misses me".He decided to go awol 1week before my birthday after telling me to make a list of the things I wanted/wanted to do on the day.I didnt see or hear from him again for 18 months!All he would say to him disappearing was that it was something that I had said to him that had upset him.He never said what it was I was supposed to have said.(ive since found out that the woman he was shacked up with during this time,threw him out)

[T2H]

He decided to go awol 1week before my birthday after telling me to make a list of the things I wanted/wanted to do on the day.I didnt see or hear from him again for 18 months!All he would say to him disappearing was that it was something that I had said to him that had upset him.He never said what it was I was supposed to have said.(ive since found out that the woman he was shacked up with during this time,threw him out)

Dah, that's terrible - but unfortunately fairly typical.  xoxox

pwBPD (and NPD) will often do whatever (they think) works on the person they want to use.  I got the silent treatment from the latter but never the former (although many do).  I was never raged at by my ex, but she raged at others.  They don't have their own identities - so they will mirror, shift around behaviors, etc.

[Randi Kreger]

No, he doesn't have to rage. Many people with BPD don't. They tend to be the kind who go into treatment. Randi KregerThe Essential Family Guide to BPD

[pbles]

Hi Randi

Do you mean the non-ragers are the ones that tend to go into therapy?

I wish my ex would.  I worry about his - no friends, alienates everyone.  He a genuinely unhappy person, lots of pent up anger, fixated on his family breakup when he was a teen.

He did go to a T for a while (not for BPD - as yet he's still u) and he seemed a lot better but then let it slide again and was back to the same.

[goldstar]

My exBPDh -- rage was/is a huge symptom. He's a big guy, so it worked into his game plan by being a bully and controlling. But the guy I dated after, who seemed so opposite and so nice, he prided himself on staying calm. He said that in his past he would get into fights and he self-evaluated himself and worked on never doing that. Turns out he lied about himself though. He said he was a hard worker (he got fired again and hasn't worked in over 2 years) and how giving he was (he wouldn't even let me borrow a tool, so that I could fix my water heater) and how he worked out (nope, doesn't) or how he's never lost a game not a baseball game or board game  (so every team he's ever played baseball on, never lost, wow!), or how his old friends think he's the greatest (um only met one of them and he lived out of town and come to find out had only known him for a few years, he lost a lot of friends over the few years I knew him, even his poker buddies kicked him out and called him an a$$hole. .) So, it wasn't only the poker buddies, but co-workers complained, a pastor from a church, a previous boss said he took a truck of his, a previous landlord sued him for nonpayment of rent -- but there was always an excuse or a reason for why it was the other person being unreasonable. No real raging involved though.

So it would seem like I was the one with the problem, because I would become angry. So he could say all these outrageous things, but as long as he stayed calm, all was good in his eyes. So here you have someone who accuses you of things you don't do or accuses you of not loving them or supporting them or encouraging them and pretty much remaining calm.

He did however, pout and sulk like a 3-year old and do this sigh thing along with a disgusted look, like you disappointed him. wahhhh.

He would also get on his soapbox and rail on you about what a good man he was and how you fell short in his eyes. But he would turn around and say he never said anything ugly to you.

If you disagreed or called him out on something, then you were judging him, but he could bring up stuff that happened, like talking to a co-worker and go on and on and on how you treated that person better until you wanted to pull your hair out.

It was that constant waffling they do between -- I'm the greatest, I'm a good man! to "I wasn't good enough, even though I did my best." So if you called them out on something, like asking if he's been drinking because he smelled like beer (my exBPDh was an alcoholic and I said upfront that I don't like the whole drinking/getting drunk thing) it was -- "you're judging me" or "poor me." You could never win and it's so frustrating to never get your issues validated or cared about.

He was really good with the flowery bs words and if you didn't acknowledge how wonderful he was for saying something nice, then it was that you didn't care enough. It all came back to his thoughts and his feelings.

So there are things just as bad as raging, there are other forms of harassing behavior and they don't even have to raise their voices. So there are other forms of behavior that are just as off-putting, degrading and alienating to others.

[Randi Kreger]

Hi RandiDo you mean the non-ragers are the ones that tend to go into therapy?

Yes; they are the more lower-functioning, "conventional" BPs. Randi KregerThe Essential Family Guide to BPD

[pbles]

Hi Randi

Do you mean the non-ragers are the ones that tend to go into therapy?

Yes; they are the more lower-functioning, "conventional" BPs.



Randi Kreger

The Essential Family Guide to BPD

Randi

I'm interested in this.  My ex-bf was definitely the non-rager however I wou'dn't say that he was low functioning (unless I don't understand the meaning).

Can you clarify this for me?

He held a very responsible executive job, was extremely well paid and seemed to be able to operate OK in it (not that I had actual evidence except that he managed to hold onto it and seemed to get the job done).

His personal life was a bit of a mess.  Ex-wife who he didn't/couldn't confront on anything, family who sided with her (now I know why), fought with him etc.  They all seemed very dysfunctional to me - but then I had a very stepford upbringing - albeit there wasn't a lot of affection. 

Can you clarify what you mean by low-functioning?

[anker]

Does silent rage count?

[T2H]

My ex was also a non-rager but very high-functioning.  (no silent treatment either)

She was extremely waify in relationships - but quite effective/productive at work.

She was in therapy for 4 years.  Didn't help at all.  She stopped going after we met.

[Randi Kreger]

Hi RandiDo you mean the non-ragers are the ones that tend to go into therapy?I wish my ex would.  I worry about his - no friends, alienates everyone.  He a genuinely unhappy person, lots of pent up anger, fixated on his family breakup when he was a teen.He did go to a T for a while (not for BPD - as yet he's still u) and he seemed a lot better but then let it slide again and was back to the same.

Something called impulsive aggression is behind both rage and acting in behaviors like suicide and self-harm. I have a lot about it in my new book, EFG. Randi KregerRandi @Author, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells"Available at www.

[lady sass]

Isn't it normal for everyone to feel anger and rage occasionally? I'm just wondering. Sometimes people get overwhelmed with the BS in their lives. Especially the BS (silent treatment etc.) that they get from the BPD people in their lives. It seems like and endless circle.

So my ultimate question is do regular people rage?

[T2H]

Yes, non BPD's sometimes rage.  But for them, and others, it's not good.  Expressing anger in a healthy, non hurtful, manner is best for everyone.