Why won't he just leave me alone

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My now ex bf who is BPD continues to send me text messages and emails.   The latest one telling me that I was the worst gf he ever had and that I liked drama and making up stuff.   And that he is taking antidepressants because of me.  ( of course 2 weeks ago he told me he was taking it because of work) The stuff he sends is hurtful  and I have stopped replying to them.  But, I feel hurt by it all   we we on and off again for 3 plus years. I knew a month ago when I discovered he had posted profiles on adult sites again that I wanted out.  But, I wanted him to break it off this time.  I thought maybe he would leave me alone if HE broke it off.   He sent me a text told me he did not want me to be his gf anymore.   I felt relieved.  And then this week he sends me caustic texts saying he never broke up with me I broke up with him. His messages vary daily from how much he misses and loves me to today's nasty ones.   I know that if I reply it just will start the chain again and I do NOT want to be back with him he is toxic to my sanity.   I am thankful for this site and reading all the posts here make me realize I am not alone in my struggle. 

[MonkeyGurly]

My now ex bf who is BPD continues to send me text messages and emails.   The latest one telling me that I was the worst gf he ever had and that I liked drama and making up stuff.   And that he is taking antidepressants because of me.  ( of course 2 weeks ago he told me he was taking it because of work) The stuff he sends is hurtful  and I have stopped replying to them.  But, I feel hurt by it all   we we on and off again for 3 plus years. I knew a month ago when I discovered he had posted profiles on adult sites again that I wanted out.  But, I wanted him to break it off this time.  I thought maybe he would leave me alone if HE broke it off.   He sent me a text told me he did not want me to be his gf anymore.   I felt relieved.  And then this week he sends me caustic texts saying he never broke up with me I broke up with him. His messages vary daily from how much he misses and loves me to today's nasty ones.   I know that if I reply it just will start the chain again and I do NOT want to be back with him he is toxic to my sanity.   I am thankful for this site and reading all the posts here make me realize I am not alone in my struggle. 

[forestofemotions]

You are definitely not alone in your struggle!  I've had this same thing going on for over a year, and I keep giving in.  Good for you for realizing that is WILL just open all of this up again. 

My ex also told me she was depressed for various reasons and suddenly it was "because of me."  Since then she's kicked me out of the house and then begged me to come back.  Then forced me to move out and then back in once more when she called me sobbing (which she rarely does, which makes it seem important when she shows emotion), and saying that even if we break up she'll probably get my name tattooed on her neck and would never take off the wedding ring.  Then once I moved back in, she freaked out about nothing at 2am, disappeared until 5am, and came back to dramatically leave the wedding ring next to my head while I was asleep.  Every time it's "all my fault."   

Keep doing things for you!  Every time we engage, it does kind of start over in a way, but it's more hurtful for us than it seems to be for them.  Especially if it's only to either tell us we're horrible, or that they'll be in love with us forever.  Stay strong!  x

[MonkeyGurly]

thanks forest!  I know I HAVE to be strong.   over the course of our relationship took him back 3 times.  3 strikes now he is out.  I understand your struggle too.   Mine would disappear for entire weekends "playing" on line.  Just gets old.  Then he would accuse ME of making up stuff.  I don't want to engage him at all.  But human nature sometimes it pulls at my heart strings and other times I find myself angry.   Tonight just hurting  :'(  .  Thanks for listening

[atwittsend]

hey MG... .welcome to bpdfamily.com.  This place is filled with members who came here under similar circumstances.  I just wanted to say that what your feeling is totally normal.  Even when you rationally decide enough is enough it is still very difficult.  You are ahead of the curve adhering to three strikes.  I feel that it doesnt change.  whether youve been together a month or two decades the flags are always there glaring. 

I hope that when you feel weak you will post in here.  It helps. 

To answer your threads title "why wont he leave you alone?"  I feel these people, even once they have painted you black and seem to hate you, still refuse to disengage fully.  They need as many of us nons around them at all times.  After all... they lack a core identity and depends on their surroundings to define themselves.  I personally would like to gather as many awesome people as I could to emulate. 

Hang in there friend.  This gets a lot easier. 

[Lizzie]

Hi MonkeyGurly,

You're doing great with this.  I imagine it is really hard to be strong about these things after 3 years.  I'm trying to get disengaged after only about 2 months, and another month of little contact while I did research and put it all together and let it sink in.  It's hard b/c he emails with these back and forth things.  Sometimes being his old, nicer persona and other times in his newer, blames everything on me persona.  When I've tried to discuss the more nutty emails, he says he didn't mean that or he changed his mind or was joking.  Sometimes he can make me feel that real bad pity for him and other times he just makes me angry.

All of it is in the realm of funky, twisted mind games and unhealthy relationships.  Stay strong and stick to your reality, don't let him impose his distorted views into your mind.  They will try to blame you, make you feel guilty even in the face of obvious wrongdoing on their part.  Maybe you can delete the messages w/o reading them.  not replying to him is a really good start.  Not reading them, while hard b/c of human curiosity, might make it less hurtful if you don't know what he's saying anyway.   x   You are doing really well and aren't alone, it sucks having to be the only adult in a relationship, which means also being the only adult in breaking off the relationship.   

[DAS]

Block his e-mail and consider changing cell #s.

Ongoing contact hurts every time, right? You can't stop a pwBPD from doing whatever they feel like but you can (and must) protect yourself.

Strength and Luck  x

[MonkeyGurly]

Thanks guys... It helps to get your advice.  x

[carolt0604]

I left my xudBPDh in september of 06 and next month I have been asked by the court to be a witness for the prosecutors office to help them put him in jail for a while.  He broke restraining order one too many times.  I think he may have finally hit bottom if that is possible.

[turtle]

Hi MG --

My crazyx has been gone for nearly NINE years.  He stalked me very heavily for a very long time.  Even after all this time, I still hear from him from time to time.  The last time was just a month or so ago.  I remember so many times thinking that if HE'd just break it off, it would be more final. Nine years later, I wonder why in the (bleep, bleep) I didn't boot him out the very first time that thought entered my mind.  Bottom line is ... .it doesn't matter if they're the one that says goodbye.  Even if they do, they change their minds 10 seconds later and claim that you were the one that ended things. Then of course, 10 seconds after that, they change their mind again and decide that they DID end things. Their reality is completely twisted and that will keep YOU in a constant state of confusion - which is NOT productive for you.

NINE damn years later, I still hear from him and it's all the same nonsense he said NINE years ago.  Didn't make sense then and certaintly doesn't make sense now (especially now that I have nine years and a huge amount of perspective under my belt.)

The thing you have to realize is that they can only cause as much damage to you as you let them cause. If you can't block him (which I can't do,) then don't listen to the BS.  For a very long time, I didn't even listen to his BS.  I'd hear the start of the message and just delete it.  I still do that sometimes, but every once in awhile I listen just out of curiosity.  After all of this time, it truly does make me laugh because it is just soo twisted. I sit it the place I am now and wonder how I EVER put up with that for even one second. You can choose NOT to live in the twilight zone.

Your lack of response and silence is the only message that will reach him and if he thinks you're a horrible person because of it, who cares?  And... .if your goal is really for him to leave you alone, you can't care about how he interprets your silence. If you are silent, eventually he WILL go away because he can't play this game alone.  It might take awhile, but he WILL disappear and you can't care why.  Even if he's still contacting you after NINE years, it won't matter because you are no longer invested in what he thinks and in YOUR mind (which is all that counts,) his existance is not important to you.

-If he thinks you're the worst gf he ever had, so what?

-If he thinks you like drama and making stuff up, so what?

-If he's on antidepressants because of you, then he should have dumped you long ago.  I was on antidepressants because of my crazyx too, and that's my own damn fault. Noone is worth going on antidepresants for, so that's his own damn fault and... .SO WHAT?

If you're such a horrible person, why is he still contacting you?

Silence IS golden and it speak volumes.  Use it.

Hang in there.  It DOES get better - because YOU get better.

Turtle

[MonkeyGurly]

Turtle... THank you   hearing you say that you still deal with me makes me feel better.  I know that NC and NO REPLY to his bs is the best thing.   I am still reeling from last weeks caustic followed by how much he misses me bs.   I hope that with time and tenderness I will feel better.

I can't thank all of you enough for your ongoing kindness to me. x

[turtle]

 I am still reeling from last weeks caustic followed by how much he misses me bs.   

Don't forget that his caustic attacks (been there, done that) as well as his claims of missing you and his undying love for you (been there, done that too) are both false. Because all of their attention (positive and negative) is focused on us, we believe we have a much more integral role in their lives than we really do.  Remember that all of this has VERY little to do with YOU! 

You may be reeling from it now, but I promise you that the time will come where you just shake your head and wonder why you had your panties in a twist over any of this!  It just doesn't deserve this much of your energy or spirit.

If you're like me, I didn't want to believe his caustic - and oh so flagrant - attacks, but I was more than willing to believe his claims of missing me and loving me so much that it hurt.    Neither are true.  Remember, if YOU weren't in this game, someone else would be.  We don't like to think of ourselves as game pieces, but we are.  And the proof of that is... .if you quit playing the game, the game is over, and he moves on to find a new victim that WILL play the game.  And... .I am finally to a place where I love myself not to put up with crap like this.  I deserve way better and so do you.

After nine years, I don't care if crazyx loves me, hates me, or whatever.  Whatever he believes that causes him to leave me alone is perfectly fine with me.  And no matter what HE believes, the sun will continue to rise and set, I will continue to know the truth about myself, and I will continute to do a better job of deciding who does and doesn't get to be in Turtle's circle of trust.

Turtle

[Annamel]

Yeah that is definately something I experienced as well. Its like terrorising. Mine used to break up with me all the time for silly reasons and then after a few days he would come back and pretend nothing happened and when I pointed out that he broke up with me he used to deny it, if I didn't reply to his contacts he would go mad, absolutely mad with, accusing me that I never loved him, I only used him etc and that he would take revenge for that, that he would destroy my life etc, the threats were really scary and I have to admit that I very often went back with him because I was scared what he might do. As soon as I would agree to try again he would completely change to the wonderful partner (for a while) and the whole cycle would start again. I really think No Contact at all is the best you can do. I am broke up with him again and I really do not read any emails texts etc, I delete everything immediately and its as if I am waking up into reality out of that crazyness, also keep reading these boards here ... .its a tremendous help, everytime I get weak and start doubting if I can do it by myself I go on here and get a reality check.

[Dot3]

Hi MG, and all who replied to this so many years ago. I wonder if anyone will read this now. I broke up with my BPDSO of one year, over 6 months ago. He will not leave me alone. I am desperate for answers, and I truly appreciate MG for posting your story, and reading the replies. They help

Is it possible to create a friendship with the ex? Or is it best to cut off all communication completely? I am done and have zero intention of re-entering the fun house. But this guy has started to wake up and if it's one thing he has proved, its that he wants to grow and will do anything to change for the better (therapy, meds, support groups). I would like to remain friends with him because... .actually, as I write that, I'm not sure if I can finish the sentence. I am friend with all my ex's, why not this one, I guess. But he's making it impossible, and continues to add stress to my life. Just seeing his name pop up on my phone sends me into serious anxiety, knowing his up and down nonsensical BS is about to start all over.

I may have just answered my own question.

Either way, how do I make this stop? He has shown up at my place of work (which he had to research and find, BTW), he has shown up at my house (I live an hour and a half away from him, in the middle of the woods), I have repeatedly asked him not to come to my work or home, and threatened a restraining order but he did it anyway claiming he had no idea I'd be that upset and that he thought he was facing his fears. I honestly don't know if that was a manipulation or if he actually believed that. We've gotten to a place where he doesn't show up anymore but he sends me novels of texting, ranging from how horrible I am to how he'll love me forever. He insists on seeing me, demanding that I owe him that much. I keep holding my ground that I don't owe him ___ and I don't want to see him. The only thing that seems to work is me not having any strong reaction to anything, and simply saying "don't contact me for a week". Then, I get a few novel length texts, which I do not respond to, and then he leaves me alone for a week to the day.

Me saying I need space or time triggers his fear of abandonment so severely that he is then triggered to blow up my phone or show up at my work or home. I don't know how to make this stop.

Please help.