Getting back to examples... .can someone chose a scenario and try to form a emotional validating response.

#1 - you don't love me

#2 - I saw you looking at her

#3 - You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?

#4 - You make me so mad!

#5 - Why are you late?

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore

Remember. Don't defend, don't deny, don't justify

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Other resources:

• FEATURE: Validation - stop invalidating others

• Validation and Young Children

• Validation and Teens
• Validating Kids in Divorced and Blended Families
• BOOK: The Power of Validation (for Parents)
• BOOK: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

#1 - you don't love me

     Oh honey, why do you think that?

#2 - I saw you looking at her/him

          Yes, I did look over at him at dinner, what are you thinking?

#3 - You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?

       Oops, I am sorry. I know that I forgot and I will try to remember next time.

#4 - You make me so mad!

       I do? What is it that you are upset about? Want to talk about it?

#5 - Why are you late?

         (question - why can't you answer why you are late?)

        Sorry baby, I will call next time.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore

       What do you mean?

Validating Responses... .

#1- You don't love me

- Wow, you must feel terrible to think that way... .Hey, lets do something romantic tonight.  We'll order in and we can snuggle up in front of the fireplace.  Just you and me and no distractions.

#2 - I saw you looking at her.

-  Aaaww, you seem a little jealous... .You know I find you amazing.

#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?

- You seem really busy.  What do you have left to do?  Maybe we can work on it together and then we both can relax.

#4 - You make me so mad!

- Yeah, I can see that you are really angry.  Let's talk about it in a little while.

#5 - Why are you late?

- I'm sorry for running late.  I can see that you are feeling a little upset with me.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore

- Wow, you sound really down in the dumps.  What's wrong?  Something not go your way today?

Codependent Responses... .

#1- You don't love me

- That's not true.  I love you more than anything.  What can I do to prove my love to you?

#2 - I saw you looking at her.

-  You know that I only have eyes for you.  No one is as pretty as you are.  I am so lucky that you are in my life.

#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?

- I'm sorry I was just going to do it.  Is there anything else you need me to do?

#4 - You make me so mad!

- I'm sorry.  What can I do to make it up to you.  Want me to put a DVD in and I can give you a foot massage to relax you?

#5 - Why are you late?

- I'm sorry.  It won't happen again.  I was picking up a gift for you and it took longer than I thought.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore

- No don't say that.  What would I do without you.  I can't live without you.


Invalidating Responses... .

#1- You don't love me

- Pfffth.  That's not true.  I am still married to you aren't I?  That must say something.

#2 - I saw you looking at her.

-  No I wasn't.  I was just thinking about something and didn't notice her till you pointed her out.

#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?

- What do you mean everything?  I worked all day.  Besides I took the garbage out yesterday.

#4 - You make me so mad!

- How can I make you mad when I've been at work all day and just walked in the door?

#5 - Why are you late?

- Bah, whaddaya mean late?  Five minutes is hardly late.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore

- Go have a nap.  You will be fine when you wake up.

Deathwish Responses... .

#1- You don't love me

- You got that right.  You are lucky I haven't divorced you yet.

#2 - I saw you looking at her.

-  Yeah did you see the cans on her.  How bout you get a job and buy yourself a boob job.

#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?

- Who makes the money around here so you can buy your fancy clothes?  Bout time you did something around here.

#4 - You make me so mad!

- On the rag again? Isn't that like for the 3rd time this month?

#5 - Why are you late?

- I had to give a new secretary at work a ride home.  She showed me her new place and it took longer than I thought.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore

- Since you are up can you grab me a beer?  The game just started.

Just wanted to say, you did a great job of that, Firefighter. 

Figure out what the emotion is behind the statement and validate the emotion and only the emotion.

Peacebaby

During times when negativity and complaints from my wife spew frequently to me and our children- her tone sounding angry, frustrated, irritated, a louder than regular speaking voice or belligerent, all within the course of one evening when the day was pleasant- and creating stress for our 7 week and 2 yr old-

Is it invalidating to not validate every single comment? How should I handle this? I'd like to be able to help our kids feel less stress and ridicule. It just seems so unnecessary. Most of her irritations seem to be things that resolve themselves with little need for assistance or attention. Just to name a few:

“you dropped your airplane,

you're stepping on your airplane,

don't tilt your sippy cup so much,

if you don't stop dropping your food you won't get any Easter candy,

this rocking chair is in my way,

you're chewing too loud,

the grass needs to be mowed,

his clothes don't match,

none of my clothes fit,

you bought too much food and it won't fit in the cabinet,

you didn't buy enough food,

the TV is too loud,"

I can handle more stressors than most people but this kind of frequency makes me feel pretty freakin' crazy.

OK. After reading this I think I could say: "honey, you seem really overwhelmed right now, why don't I take the kids for a drive and give you some peace for a while" or "You're pretty overloaded right now."

But, when I have done this before, she gets more upset and the complaining and loudness and accusations become more intense when our children are already sort of freaked out. - especially when we are in the car together.

OK - I really need practice so this becomes automatic for me - and one of these is from something I posted so here I go!

#1  "you're always working. Why are you always working? Don't you realize that I need help around here too? If you were home more often you would see that I have a hard time handling things here by myself."

I know it's really annoying that I have to go to work every day and I know that running a household is a really tough job.  I think you do a really amazing job and maybe we can talk about some of the things that I can help with when I am at home.

#2  "That driver just cut me off! What an idiot! Some people shouldn't have drivers licenses! Let's see how he likes it when I do it to him!" Your BP is very angry and becoming an aggressive driver, scaring you.

Not mine, but might as well be!

Lessee... .

Honey - he's definitely driving like a maniac and it's totally obvious.  Can you please try to remain calm - remember when you got the ticket for driving just a little slower than the guy speeding in front of you?  You don't want him to drive like an ass and get you in trouble for it as well!

#3  "That kid is so lazy. Look at her room!  Stuff is just tossed everywhere. Why can't she learn to pick up her stuff? Why is it so hard for her to do the right thing?"

Her room is a total mess it's true and it's unsettling to look at it.  She's probably oblivious to how it makes us feel - teenagers are in their own world - but one day when she has people besides her parents to impress she'll get it together.  There may not be anything we can do about this now.

#4  'I can't believe you always make me turn down the 'insert noisy instrument here'!  I thought you were cool - yer just like everyone else who's always making me turn my music down!' 

OK - this one is mine... .

And I didn't get it right in practice.

So - let's try again.

Baby - I know how passionate you are about music - and that's really annoying that everyone always made you turn it down before and I might not have been clear about what I needed.  I'm happy for you to play, I really want to hear it - I just happened to be on the phone just then and even your acoustic guitar is pretty loud, so I needed you to give me a minute before you got started.  Please play me that song that I love, k?

#5  " I didn't sit with her on the bleachers at the game. she says:  I don't feel connected with you, "I don't know why you don't want to talk to me/be with me".

I'm not sure I get the whole scenario here, but lemme try... .

I'm sure it was annoying that I didn't sit with you.  I really do love spending time with you and I want to go do something, just the two of us, alone without all those people around.

#6  "My daughter calls and asks to spend the night and I say yes. I tell H she is spending the night. He is mad beyond imagination. Crazy mad.  He says, "how old are the brothers?, why didn't you ask me? I'm so angry with you."

OK - so daughter is spending the night at another place I'm guessing with boys there?

H may not be at a point where you can validate away a freak out - knowing how my h is when there is already anger... .but let's give it a shot... .

I understand that you are upset with me for not discussing this with you first - we should really be a united front when it comes to parenting.  I did have to make a decision right when she called because it was getting late and the parents are definitely home.  If you'd like to give them a call to check in I have their number.

That's my go at these - thanks for the practice!

lovelee

Doing all the home work by yourself must be exhausting. I understand you want me here more often to give a hand. How about a to do list for me in order to help you?


My Husband is dangerous when he drives and often starts raging at me or other drivers and turns against me so... let's try... .

What a crazy thing to do! He could have caused an accident! Sweetheart, please don't imitate him.


Kids are a bit messy sometimes. Indeed she needs to understand that it is her duty to keep her room clean. Any idea how we could solve the problem?


It is nice to listen to music out loud and I wish we could do it. The problem is the neighbours. How can we listen to music the way we like it and at the same time be respecful of our neighbours.

Not sure this helps, a little bit coward here as I use the neighbours... .


You feel i don't want to be with you and connect with you. This must be hurtful feeling. How about telling me more about your needs and see how i can respond to them so you feel less lonely.


Not sure I understand what's happening here.

You are terribly upset as I did not ask you. Sometimes I rush to take a decision and forget about how you might feel about it. Can we talk about this and see how we could manage things better in the future.

Here i have the time to think, even if i make mistakes, there is no one to yell at me... .

1  "you're always working. Why are you always working? Don't you realize that I need help around here too? If you were home more often you would see that I have a hard time handling things here by myself."
Are you feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated? Can you  tell me more about that?



#3  "That kid is so lazy. Look at her room!  Stuff is just tossed everywhere. Why can't she learn to pick up her stuff? Why is it so hard for her to do the right thing?"
Sounds like you are pretty frustrated with our son/daughter.  It is reasonable to want our child to take personal responsibility for his/her stuff. I am frustrated also.


#4  'I can't believe you always make me turn down the 'insert noisy instrument here'!  I thought you were cool - yer just like everyone else who's always making me turn my music down!'



Sounds like you are angry that I requested you turn your music down.  I can understand that the volume is an important part of your experience when practicing your instrument.  Would a pair of plug in earphones give you the same experience?


#5  " I didn't sit with her on the bleachers at the game. she says:  I don't feel connected with you, "I don't know why you don't want to talk to me/be with me".
Are you feeling lonely and unimportant because I didn't sit with you during the game? I"m sorry Hun.  I can see why you would feel that way. Would you like to meet some of the people I was talking to? We can go out to dinner before the game and talk about our day.  Would that feel like you are a priority to me?


#6  "My daughter calls and asks to spend the night and I say yes. I tell H she is spending the night. He is mad beyond imagination. Crazy mad.  He says, "how old are the brothers?, why didn't you ask me? I'm so angry with you."
Are you mad becuase I didn't consult you first or because our daughter is spending the night with this particular family?  You must really feel concerned about her safety to have such a strong emotion.  I can see how important this is to you.  Would you like to meet the family before she spends the night there?

Desperateone, as you specifically asked for feedback I feel obliged to help a little. As an excercise:

1) Can you try to start with sentences that do not refer to you at all? Totally focused on the SO? I know it is initially hard, my validation examples are also re-written a few times before they are posted - often for exactly that reason - need to shift into other shoes / angle of view.

2) Can you tone down or often better totally leave out the "nice" things you say about the SO? It is hard not to sooth, I fall also often into that trap in real life and on the board. But it is often invalidating. When I post fortunately the board has a backspace key so as explained above I'm cheating sometimes when I post i.e. work hard and rework and rework and over time - and this is what the exercise is for - I get better in real life too.

  a lot!  

This is from your original post and it is worth contemplating WHY it is so vital to take the "I" out:


The dangerous bit is that with the first sentence you align your emotions with his. This is EMPATHY. Nothing wrong, natural and very human. But aligning with dysregulated emotions is riding a roller coaster. So we use validation - total focus on emotions on the other side, leaving us in the calm zone.

Again, you got it right this time round 

Thanks for the feedback to this thread anOought.  I didn't mention wanting feedback but I would welcome it too (on any of my posts!).  I am so new at this.  It feels awkward and I know if will be extremely helpful once I get the hang of it.  My husband came up with something similar to the JADE acronym and gave me a cheat sheet to use but I never really grasped what he was saying. He would add minimize to the list.

I wouldn't mind some feedback either 

Not sure I have a handle on all this but I will give it a shot.  Any feedback is of course welcome and necessary if I am going to make effective changes to communicating with my SO.

#1  "you're always working. Why are you always working? Don't you realize that I need help around here too? If you were home more often you would see that I have a hard time handling things here by myself."

You are feeling that you need more help around here and that my absence is causing you stress? Is there something specific that you need help with?

#2  "That driver just cut me off! What an idiot! Some people shouldn't have drivers licenses! Let's see how he likes it when I do it to him!" Your BP is very angry and becoming an aggressive driver, scaring you.

Driving can be very stressful would you like to take a break and get a cup of coffee or would you like for me to take the wheel for a little while?

#3  "That kid is so lazy. Look at her room!  Stuff is just tossed everywhere. Why can't she learn to pick up her stuff? Why is it so hard for her to do the right thing?"

I understand that you don't like the mess but it is her room.  Perhaps we should suggest that she cleans her room once a week to at least keep it sanitary and that she keeps the door closed the remainder of the time so we don't have to constantly look at it. 

#4  'I can't believe you always make me turn down the 'insert noisy instrument here'!  I thought you were cool - yer just like everyone else who's always making me turn my music down!'

I understand that when you are creating it can be frustrating to have interruptions however when I am working it can also be difficult to be interrupted by loud music.  Perhaps we can try and arrange a time of day when you can play your music uninterrupted.

#5  " I didn't sit with her on the bleachers at the game. she says:  I don't feel connected with you, "I don't know why you don't want to talk to me/be with me".

Separation can be difficult however our connection does not diminish when we are apart.

#6  "My daughter calls and asks to spend the night and I say yes. I tell H she is spending the night. He is mad beyond imagination. Crazy mad.  He says, "how old are the brothers?, why didn't you ask me? I'm so angry with you."

I understand your concerns about where she is staying but I have met the parents several times and I know that they will be well supervised. 

Almost afraid to post this... . Let me know where I went wrong! Thanks! 

I will give this a shot... .there are some tricky ones here:

#1  "you're always working. Why are you always working? Don't you realize that I need help around here too? If you were home more often you would see that I have a hard time handling things here by myself."

I can understand why you are tired and frustrated, you have a lot on your plate.



#2  "That driver just cut me off! What an idiot! Some people shouldn't have drivers licenses! Let's see how he likes it when I do it to him!" Your BP is very angry and becoming an aggressive driver, scaring you.

I know that guy cut you off and it's irritating and rude that he did that, but now I'm begining to feel scared, please slow down.



#3  "That kid is so lazy. Look at her room!  Stuff is just tossed everywhere. Why can't she learn to pick up her stuff? Why is it so hard for her to do the right thing?"

Yes, the room is really a mess, it's hard to look at.   What are some things we can do as parents to help her learn to take care of her space better? 



#4  'I can't believe you always make me turn down the 'insert noisy instrument here'!  I thought you were cool - yer just like everyone else who's always making me turn my music down!'

It can be annoying to have to share space sometimes... .I do like your music but sometimes I need some peace and quiet.  What can we do to make this work better for both of us?



#5  " I didn't sit with her on the bleachers at the game. she says:  I don't feel connected with you, "I don't know why you don't want to talk to me/be with me".

That must really feel awful ;  what would help?



#6  "My daughter calls and asks to spend the night and I say yes. I tell H she is spending the night. He is mad beyond imagination. Crazy mad.  He says, "how old are the brothers?, why didn't you ask me? I'm so angry with you."

I can underderstand why you are upset, what can we do together that will make this better?

Thank you, ifso, for mentioning how hard it is to validate when you, yourself, are deregulated/frustrated/hurt/angry - having your own hard to handle emotions!

I had a really difficult week last week and was PMSing really badly, which always affects my uBPDh... .and was just too beat down to properly respond to H's moods and on at least two occasions handled it really badly and got an earful - at the moment it just seemed easier to fight back and have a fight than think about catering to his emotions.

It's really hard to take that time to get centered - and if I hesitate too much H will think I'm ignoring him or not paying attention, which doesn't help. 

But it is probably worth it - the less we are fighting the calmer things remain for longer, right? I guess just saying - "I need a second to respond to that" will work.

lovelee