Is this closure? Please read his email. Responses much appreciated.

[Honeybee]

We have been down so many roads, avenues, and journey's.  Many of our travels are filled with wonder full memories that will never be replaced, or eclipsed. Unfortunately other adventures are marred by bad decisions you and I both made that can not be taken back, or changed.  Yes, I still harbor allot of anger and hate, It doesn't take much to get me fired up over what should be old news that is behind me and forgotten about.  At the same time, I do a great job not letting it bother me, then on rare occasion something little will arise, and spark that anger.  People do not bring you up, nor are you a topic of discussion.  To those people, it is all old news, and not mentioned.  I would like to know what's going on in your life, and miss you greatly.  At the same time, I feel we can not re-connect like we have in the past.  It is too easy for us to fall back into our same pattern.  Not saying I don't want to, but we both know at this point it would be very short lived, and extremely turbulent.  (fun for a little while though   I'm not sure if I have addressed what you are asking or want to know.  Or if I only rambled.  If there is something you would like to know.  Feel free to contact me via emai.  Love Always, Satan

[Honeybee]

To be clear, I went against better judgement and sent a closure email. This email was his response.  I clearly told him it was for the purpose of closure and not to re-engage. In my email I apologized for a crappy thing I did to him. I really did it for myself and not for him. Of course he doesn't acknowledge the apology and never apologizes once for the abuse and bullsh!t he pulled for five years. I do one thing that hurt him and have been painted black, but that's fine. Not sure if I got closure, but it all feels very permanent. And I'm glad.

[Mgn]

Satan, eh?

[atwittsend]

to me he is trying to keep a foot in the door there.  we'd go down the same turbulent path but it would be fun though?  also the people dont ask about you cause its old news bit... .   

I guess my advise would be to use your own email as closure.  You have apologized.  You can try to move on.  He will never (based on my experience) say ok this is it forever and give you the ultimate closure.  Only you can give yourself that.  Accept that this is what happened and these are the results.  Its super hard.  But after a while he will become "old news".  Now I can see flags from a mile away.  I dont care what my ex is wanting from me anymore.  She cant have it. 

His email was pretty together and less cryptic then I have experienced.  He actually talks about his quickness to anger being a fault.  If that is unusual or confuses you at all I would consider that this is him just playing games as usual. 

feel free to contact me via email... .so i can cleverly craft my next manipulative response... .

that feeling of permanence is a relief.  I hope it stays with you.  hang in there my friend

[Benny]

Doesnt sound like closure to me,reading between the the lines it seems he is keeping you as an option in case he needs you in the future and if you were to question the exact meaning of his email he will have all kinds of manipulative language to befuddle you with.

Take care

Benny

[Honeybee]

Thank you so much Sometimes and Benny. In what way do you think he is trying to keep his foot in the door? We have been through this countless times, but I felt a lot of permanence coming from this email and like he is hellbent on moving on. No? Sometimes, I didn't perceive him as taking fault, I perceived it as him simply stating that he still gets angry but is fine most of the time.  But yes, this email was far less cryptic than I expected too. I have heard the "roads/avenues/journey" BS before, but he has never ever come out and said a reconnection would be shortlived. Its true, but in the past, he would never openly say something like that...

[2010]

Yes, I still harbor allot of anger and hate,

When someone says they hate you- Believe them.

What they really mean is that they hate themselves, and need to cast that off onto someone else.

Ask yourself why you want to be with a hate filled person. And why you think you are to blame? And if you really think you have a reason for someone to hate you, and you've apologized and they still hate you- then let go. That person is using you like a rag doll to destroy. Walk away if you can- because if you don't, you'll eventually become hate filled yourself. And you have no right to do that to yourself. Neither does he.

[Honeybee]

2010, the reason he hates me is because after one of the many times he dumped me, I dated a guy who lived in the same neighborhood as Satan's best friend. This was an issue because he would have to hear details about my relationship at get togethers and also get razzed by his friends because this other guy was kind of a young punk.  I did genuinely like this guy but knowing that it pissed Satan off was a bonus. Yes, I admit it. While I was dating the punk, Satan decided he wanted me back and did all kinds of things to prove it including stalking me, banging on my door at 7am to propose to me, threaten suicide etc.   I eventually caved and went back to him which is when all the real fun started.  I had seen little pieces of his dark side in the past, but never like this... .Black drunken rages, hitting himself in the face, screaming at me asking detailed questiions about my sex life with other guy. He really hated me for doing that. And yeah, it was crappy of me, but I was always faithful to him. I never once cheated, but the waay he hates me, you would think he walked in on me or something. I did apologize and meant it. But if. That's what it took to get me out of that cycle, then so be it.

[OnceConfused]

Honeybee:

First of all, closure or not is something you cannot depend on BPD, you have to depend on you. BY emailing him, you gave him another chance to take a jab and inject more venom into you. Of course, he will be unloading his garbage back onto you. You can write a letter to him but then take the letter to the lake, burn it and let it disintegrate into the water. That is how you have FULL CLOSURE.

THis is like trying to stop a dysfunctional dance. You have to disengage on your own free will, otherwise by staying close you will step on his toes and he will yours.

Your ego is trying to tell you to have the last word and so does his. The punch trading would never stop. Just simply walk away, look at the whole relationship as simply an experience (no failure, no success) that will help you in the next relationship. You then will grow and guess what, by growingto be better person, you will attract the same.

You don't have to apologize to him for what happened, should happen in the relationship. You can forgive yourself by just telling yourself that things are OK, and you don't need his forgiveness.

[innerspirit]

Honeybee:

First of all, closure or not is something you cannot depend on BPD, you have to depend on you. BY emailing him, you gave him another chance to take a jab and inject more venom into you. Of course, he will be unloading his garbage back onto you. You can write a letter to him but then take the letter to the lake, burn it and let it disintegrate into the water. That is how you have FULL CLOSURE.

THis is like trying to stop a dysfunctional dance. You have to disengage on your own free will, otherwise by staying close you will step on his toes and he will yours.

Your ego is trying to tell you to have the last word and so does his. The punch trading would never stop. Just simply walk away, look at the whole relationship as simply an experience (no failure, no success) that will help you in the next relationship. You then will grow and guess what, by growingto be better person, you will attract the same.

You don't have to apologize to him for what happened, should happen in the relationship. You can forgive yourself by just telling yourself that things are OK, and you don't need his forgiveness.

Well said.  Even the debate inside you, whether the email is closure or not, is a means to keep the door open to more drama.  I'm not saying to pretend the relationship ever happened -- I'm encouraging you to continue the process of disengaging, to slow down the "hamster wheel" that's trying to figure things out with him

He may have meant it as closure, he may have not, he may not know, he may change his mind a dozen times and either follow thru on it or not.

It's on you to carve your path now.  Not easy steps to take but I promise it gets better.  Without the burden of looking over your shoulder to find out what a hateful Satan may be thinking or planning.

It will be closure for you when you allow it to be.  Easier said then done, I know.