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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: What is the definition of "abandonment"?  (Read 424 times)
ramble on
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« on: August 13, 2010, 05:48:21 PM »

Just curious what the definition of abandonment is. Is it I'm leaving forever and not telling you until the last minute, or this is it we are done and need to go separate ways, or can it be leaving the house for a couple of hours to browse in a home improvement store, went golfing with buddies, stopped for a couple of beers on a hot day and was a half hour later than normal?

Would like to hear from others on what they think and their experiences. Would also like to hear what the medical definition is as well.

Thanks
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schwing
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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2010, 06:20:20 PM »

Just curious what the definition of abandonment is. Is it I'm leaving forever and not telling you until the last minute, or this is it we are done and need to go separate ways, or can it be leaving the house for a couple of hours to browse in a home improvement store, went golfing with buddies, stopped for a couple of beers on a hot day and was a half hour later than normal?

Would like to hear from others on what they think and their experiences. Would also like to hear what the medical definition is as well.

Thanks

I think I know why you're asking this question.  Are you trying to understand the nature of people with BPD's (pwBPD) fear of abandonment?

In my opinion, abandonment occurs when one is given up by someone who one trusts greatly.  It is a kind of betrayal of trust; such as a child might feel towards a parent.  And in its raw form, it is a kind of trauma.  You can be abandoned by someone, but if you do not depend upon them emotionally or otherwise, it might not feel like an abandonment.  How one FEELS, and whether one FEELS as if they are abandoned is purely subjective.  And for pwBPD, they often might feel as if they are about to be abandoned even if reality does not bear this out.

People with BPD (pwBPD) due to several aspects of this disorder (ie, their lack of object constancy) will FEEL as if they are being abandoned even if you are just "leaving the house for a couple of hours to browse in a home improvement store, went golfing with buddies, stopped for a couple of beers on a hot day and was a half hour later than normal."  And in fact, for pwBPD, my understanding is that feelings of intimacy trigger or aggravate their fear of abandonment; so in essence, the closer they feel towards you, the less they can trust you.  And this is a disordered feeling, you cannot "convince" them or "talk them out of" feeling this way.

The sooner they come to the realization that the reason why they feel this way is because of their own internal issues and not the behavior of those around them, the sooner they can accept that they need help to stop being this way.  Otherwise, it is likely that they will choose to believe that their only problem is that they cannot find the "right" person who will not make them feel this way.

As far as I know, there is no "medical" definition of abandonment.  Just AFAIK there is no medical definition of a "traumatic" event.  Two people can go through the same event, and one may not be terribly emotional effected, while the other is "traumatized" by it.  Rather the issue is not qualifying what makes an event "traumatic" but instead identifying the nature of the reaction of the person experiencing that event.

Best wishes, Schwing
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2010, 06:45:38 PM »

Just curious what the definition of abandonment is. Is it I'm leaving forever and not telling you until the last minute, or this is it we are done and need to go separate ways, or can it be leaving the house for a couple of hours to browse in a home improvement store, went golfing with buddies, stopped for a couple of beers on a hot day and was a half hour later than normal?

Would like to hear from others on what they think and their experiences. Would also like to hear what the medical definition is as well.

Thanks

Think of a toddler that loses sight of mom at a store causing emotional dysregulation even though mom might be one aisle over.  A pwBPD would likely experience similar feelings.  Now if the toddler is happily playing with toys and didn't notice mom grab something from the next aisle over and return... .no worries, abandonment fear wasn't triggered as toddler was distracted.  Now suppose the toddler had their "security blanket" in hand (which serves as a temporary stand-in for mom)... .then there is a chance the the abandonment fears will be delayed in kicking in until mom returns.

A child is born into the world dependent on adults to survive.  Being left alone in such a dependent state means almost certain death therefore primitive survival fears kick in.  The child panics and screams to attract the attention of its caregivers to not be left behind.  

As a child cognitive develop continues he/she becomes self-sufficient, independent, having an ego and identity for him or herself, .  It is thought that with a pwBPD, thier cognitive development becomes arrested in childhood due to genetic predisposition or environmental traumas.  Therefore a pwBPD can still ruled by their primitive abandonment survival fears.  The arrested development also explains the black/white thinking, poor emotional regulation, lack of an identity, problems with object constancy, poor impulse control that are holdovers from childhood.

Research child cognitive development for more background.
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« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2010, 07:10:55 PM »

Excerpt
In my opinion, abandonment occurs when one is given up by someone who one trusts greatly.  It is a kind of betrayal of trust; such as a child might feel towards a parent.  And in its raw form, it is a kind of trauma.  You can be abandoned by someone, but if you do not depend upon them emotionally or otherwise, it might not feel like an abandonment.  How one FEELS, and whether one FEELS as if they are abandoned is purely subjective.  And for pwBPD, they often might feel as if they are about to be abandoned even if reality does not bear this out.

Very true. And if I could add anything- it's that the fear of abandonment (to a Borderline) runs concurrently with the fear of Annihilation. Abandonment is fear based and Annihilation is fear based and on the other end of the spectrum is the longing for the self- and the freedom to be the self without abandonment and without annihilation.

Annihilation is a feeling that arises out of abandonment. The fear is calmed superficially by the appearance of a partner. But the fear doesn't go away- it latently sits waiting to be triggered by the partner's control and the Borderline's perception of control. Annihilation arises during an argument over control with the partner. It is different from abandonment issues, because it's not about being left behind- it's about being without control in the World.

For instance, you could be driving a car with a person suffering from BPD in the passenger seat, and if the perception of your driving is poor (real or imagined, it doesn't matter)- a BPD will freak out because they feel a loss of the self. This leads to annihilation fears that they have attached to you and now regret that attachment. Their want increases their frustration of being their own person- which they cannot be without YOU. Unable to be in the driver's seat, their reaction is one of intense, locked pain. The learned helplessness has turned them into caged animals- and they must erupt in rage to lash out at their own inability to get free.

Later, when you're home and things are calm again- the abandonment depression creeps in and causes tears over being worthless and worthy of being abandoned. (It really is a horrible way to live.) Most of what presents as fear is actually projection of their subconscious- and the clinging behaviors begin all over again... .It is a cycle- until the one person (that's you) begins to understand the triggers- and given a bit of understanding under your belt you can see clearly what's going on.


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« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2010, 07:38:42 PM »

Schwing,

that is one damn fine post!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Very spot on both in terms of theory and practice.

I too, have abandonment issues - and they all stem from childhood experiences.

So for me it´s about being discarded and dumped, not found lovable or being left by someone I trust and love.

My exGF leaving triggered ALL those issues and made the breakup seem SO much worse than it actually "should" have been.

I gather for a pwBPD the triggers are different and even more subtle and completely "backwards".

But remember, there is no reality - only PERCEPTIONS of reality.

The realites of pwBPD are simply diffrerent from ours, and from the look and sound of it VERY scary indeed.

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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2010, 08:09:58 PM »

Not sure if this is a dumb question ... .but isn't NC playing into the pwBPD's worst fears? It makes me feel guilty sometimes, like I am making my ex suffer. Yes, he made me suffer, but I am not him - he didnt feel guilty b/c he felt I wasn't suffering - only he was ... .

Anyway, is NC in some ways cruel?
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2010, 08:47:45 PM »

Great topic and great responses!

For my ex wife, abandonment meant, "Any time you don't do exactly what I say and comfort me exactly as I need you to."  Just me going out to eat with a friend caused her to get out of bed and put all the lights and the TV on until I got home.  If I slept in a separate room, sat on the love seat reading while she sat on the couch, didn't go shopping with her, she felt totally alone and abandoned.  "When you wrap your arms around me, I feel held together, but as soon as you let go, I feel alone, even if you're sitting right next to me."

They idealize you at the beginning and think your love and attention will be unconditional and never-ending.  When you start to put boundaries in place and refuse to be manipulated, even in the kindest, most loving way, they feel spited and entitled to instantly idealize a stranger and have sex with them, saying thi stranger loves them more than you because you aren't there for them like they thought.  "I don't love you anymore" really means, "I've enlisted someone else to make me feel safe and loved because you don't do it anymore."  This is why, as hard as she tries, my ex never felt guilty about her affair.

No contact will justify for them that you truly are an abandoner and allow them to split and demonize you.  You can't stop this.  No contact is for your benefit and safety, so you can get out of the spiral of no-win situations and endless heartbreak.  The greatest gift you can give them is to stop enabling through codependence and encourage them to get help, no matter how they react.
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2010, 09:30:27 PM »

Think of a toddler that loses sight of mom at a store causing emotional dysregulation even though mom might be one aisle over.  A pwBPD would likely experience similar feelings... .

A child is born into the world dependent on adults to survive.  Being left alone in such a dependent state means almost certain death therefore primitive survival fears kick in... . 

Very true. And if I could add anything- it's that the fear of abandonment (to a Borderline) runs concurrently with the fear of Annihilation. Abandonment is fear based and Annihilation is fear based and on the other end of the spectrum is the longing for the self- and the freedom to be the self without abandonment and without annihilation.

Annihilation is a feeling that arises out of abandonment. The fear is calmed superficially by the appearance of a partner. But the fear doesn't go away- it latently sits waiting to be triggered by the partner's control and the Borderline's perception of control. Annihilation arises during an argument over control with the partner. It is different from abandonment issues, because it's not about being left behind- it's about being without control in the World.

@Firefighter and @2010

If I am to understand this correctly, I believe these two phenomena are related.  That people with BPD (pwBPD) fears abandonment because it to them abandonment symbolizes annihilation.  This is the anxiety that we have all felt as infant/toddlers.  But with appropriate parenting, we developed beyond these primal anxieties.  And this is not the case for pwBPD.

I have often wondered why pwBPD seem to abhor being without someone to whom they might attach.  This answers my question.

Thanks for your insights FireFighter and 2010.

Not sure if this is a dumb question ... .but isn't NC playing into the pwBPD's worst fears? It makes me feel guilty sometimes, like I am making my ex suffer. Yes, he made me suffer, but I am not him - he didnt feel guilty b/c he felt I wasn't suffering - only he was ... .

Anyway, is NC in some ways cruel?

@Freckles14

It is cruel that they should have to feel such fears.  But we did not cause them to be this way nor are we the cause of this suffering; to stay with them does not abate such feelings.  Unrecovered, they would blame you if you leave, just as they blame you when you stay.  Moreover, no contact (NC) is for your sake, not theirs.

You may feel guilty that he is suffering. But I think those feelings are misplaced.

Best wishes, Schwing

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« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2010, 10:29:35 PM »

And for a borderline that suffers the trauma of being sexually abused by a sibling as a child or pre-teen, I believe these issues are especially acute:  anger at the missing parent who "abandoned" her and allowed this to happen; substitution of their nonBPD partner for both the parent and for the abusive sibling once the non becomes so close to the borderline and aware of these traumas and thus becomes painted black.  Even a twisted thinking about the non as abandoning (not around or aware of) the BPD partner's idealization and seduction of others to the extent that the BPD betrays and cheats on their non; in the BPD mind the non has abandoned them and that becomes rationalization for their cheating
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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2010, 12:48:36 PM »

Thanks to everyone who responded. I think I have a better idea of "abandonment" now. My SO won't even go to visit her relatives which requires a plane trip across country. Her reasons are its summer: too expensive, winter: can't count on the roads to get to airport, blah, blah, blah. But then she has mentioned that WE should go visit. In other words its alright if I am there, but a big no-no if she leaves me and goes alone.

That said I am still very confused about the whole thing of BPD. It blows my mind on a daily basis  that I have allowed myself to be so deeply drawn into it.

Just had another taste of it a few minutes ago. She was leaving to go out shopping. She comes back and asks me to listen to her car. It was making a funny noise. And remember " I told you about this" she says. News to me I thought. So I go out to the laneway and have a listen. She starts to tell me how to do it, where to sit, etc. I get her to do some things like take the RPM up to 2000. She is now starting to get that pissed off look in her face and eyes. "well how can I tell" She has been driving this car for 8 years now and does not know what a tach is I am thinking. The more I did and had her do like open the hood, rev it, put it into drive and reverse the more po'd she becomes.  I finally said " I don't know" its safe to drive but take it to the shop on Monday.

Arrrgh

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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2010, 02:12:59 PM »

Just had another taste of it a few minutes ago. She was leaving to go out shopping. She comes back and asks me to listen to her car. It was making a funny noise. And remember " I told you about this" she says. News to me I thought. So I go out to the laneway and have a listen. She starts to tell me how to do it, where to sit, etc. I get her to do some things like take the RPM up to 2000. She is now starting to get that pissed off look in her face and eyes. "well how can I tell" She has been driving this car for 8 years now and does not know what a tach is I am thinking. The more I did and had her do like open the hood, rev it, put it into drive and reverse the more po'd she becomes.  I finally said " I don't know" its safe to drive but take it to the shop on Monday.

Arrrgh

Sometimes it helps to realize that your BPD loved one is upset about something that has nothing to do with you or your behavior towards them.  They are upset about something, but they are unable or unwilling to communicate to you, or admit it to themselves.  And so they need and look for an excuse to be upset for an acceptable (to them) reason.  This is where we come in.  

And you just let them be upset.  :)on't try to convince them that they don't have a good reason to be upset.  They don't need a "good" reason, they just need a reason.  And you can't talk someone out of their own delusions.  They may choose to blame us, and that is their choice.  Just don't make yourself feel responsible for their feelings (even though that is their intent).
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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2010, 07:34:39 PM »

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Anyway, is NC in some ways cruel?



There is a Workshop on this question, I believe.

NC is not about them; it is about us.  It is usually better to try to back away if you are really intent on getting out.  But you may not be able to back away... .the pwBPD may keeping calling, texting, dropping by, and you may feel very guilty.  But if you have made up your mind to leave, then you may have to resort to No Contact.  No Contact is really a tool for you...   a tool for you to get your life back.
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