Welcome to the Board. I'm going to give you my two cents- but please understand that everything I write is based on my own perception. Yours may be different.
Paranoia and Borderline personality disorder combine into Hermit Borderline. Hermit's are usually second generation (or more) because of Witch Mothers. Witch Mothers are abusive, erratic, dramatic and generally out of control. Because of this, her child becomes traumatized. As the child grows into an adult, there is no safety and security except in hiding, so the frequent bouts of post trauma stress have created a barrier at developing the self and getting on and out in the World. Eventually, the young adult turns into a Hermit and rarely feels comfort at mingling with the rest of Humanity. Instead, it's Paranoia he feels.
Hermits will want to feel walled-in and safe from predators (which he believes his Mother is.) According to Christine Lawson, "they retreat into the blackness that threatens to consume them." Hermits are terrified of not having control- and suicide is the ultimate form of control to them. They feel robbed and violated as children- and live in fear of domination as well as desertion.
"The Hermit is a perfectionist, a worrier, and like most Borderlines, an insomniac. Their anxieties can keep them awake at night" (Lawson pg.80) IMO, this is generally the basis for the incorrect diagnosis of Bi-polar.
Gerald Adler (1985) explains that borderlines constantly seek out others to provide a sense of self, to "keep separation anxiety in check and to avoid annihilation panic." Hermits want to be left alone, not abandoned, just not bothered. Their inner experience is persecution. Hermits expect to lose what they need; consequently, they are possessive and controlling. They can also punish those they loved by shutting them out. When angry, they confront family members with a stony wall of silence. They are also intensely jealous and can accuse their spouses of infidelity despite having no evidence to support their beliefs. They may also be superstitious and overreact to pain and illness.
The worst trait of a Hermit is to evoke guilt and anxiety in others. This is used to control and project anxiety. Hermits will become their own worst enemies and the greatest threat to their *own* survival. They may grow weary of feeling constantly threatened and decide that dying, paradoxically, is their ultimate act of protection against the dangers of living.
What to do?
1) Reevaluate rather than react to the Hermit's fear. Anxiety is contagious while living with a fearful, paranoid Hermit. You must learn to rely on your own perception, intuition and judgment.
2) He can't give you something that he doesn't have- namely peace of mind. A Hermit cannot provide you with emotional support. The Hermit will catastrophize insignificant events and make mountains out of molehills. Do not let him undermine your self confidence.
3) Panic prevents a Hermit from thinking clearly. This is a subset of PTSD and has nothing to do with you. Believe in yourself and your basic goodness.
4) Expect rejection to follow closeness. Warm interactions are often followed by paranoid accusations. Protect yourself by keeping the interactions brief and by ending conversations following positive interactions.
5) Calmly maintain your perspective.
6) Being alone is his choice, not yours.
7) Respond to paranoia with reason, not ridicule. Do not tease or exacerbate the fear.
8) Point out the consequences of irrational fear but do not minimize or ridicule. Point out the consequences of actualized fear instead. Why are you anxious? What is the problem? How can I solve the problem? Answering these three simple questions can keep a Hermit calm.
9) Set limits to preserve your own sanity. Step 1: Confirm your separateness with "I" statements rather than "you"
Step 2: Create structure: "I will"
Step 3: Clarify consequences: "I won't"
You cannot sacrifice your life, your sanity and your health to protect a Hermit. Because the Hermit fears living, the only choice is to leave him alone.
Almost everything on this post has been taken from Christine Lawson's "Understanding the Borderline Mother." Do yourself a solid and buy the book. It's available at most booksellers and is one of the most invaluable reads on Borderline archetypes. Good luck and
