I thought that if I rode by her house on the bike that it might envoke some emotion or memory of us on the bike. Instead she went to the police and filled out a stalking/harrassment complaint. Sure I am still bothered but I still have access to her email and watching her notes to her now new lover.
This is a problem disguised as a solution. The solution is to continue taking hits of pain and the problem is that your solution feeds an addiction to pain.
Every sexy piece of clothing she owns I bought, does she feel nothing when looking in her closet?
Buying her clothing was about you- not her. In order to understand personality disorders, you have to understand object relations. People are the most useful objects to give life to subconscious fantasies. Those fantasies in Borderline are persecutorial- so male or female borderline, they pair up with people who will try to dress them as objects- and then erupt in anger and frustration when the clothing doesn't do it's magic as it should. And a part of that is the frustration at not being able to be their own object- with the freedom to be and do and wear whatever clothes they like. Borderlines have never been able to detach from others to become their own person- so they become adults that need hosts in the World- And those hosts give them life as well as personalities of the host. Borderlines mirror in order to feel they can control the host and they do that with controlling behaviors that look an awful lot like true love, especially since they are mirroring your deepest desires.
You could have looked at her longingly for the rest of your life- but she's going to turn you into a sadistic control object because of your desire to see her as an object. This is also why sex is used as well. Neither of those have anything to do with acceptance and genuine love. A Borderline does not know the difference because she's never had those- she's only had to please a cruel and sadistic mother object that didn't allow her to be herself. Hence the eruptions of frustration which can include any of the compulsive buying, exercise, eating, drinking, cutting, sex, piercings, tattoos, anger, etc. solutions.
So off she goes to attach to a new person. "I hate being alone" is code for "rescue me." But until she becomes aware that the need to please (clinging) means she objectifies herself and loses her freedom *again* to be truly loved for her SELF (without the clothes, without the sex) she will continue to feel annihilated as a Human being and persecuted (which turns into self- hate) and this triggers the Borderline impulsive behaviors of seeking out replacement hosts (hopping off one Man to another.)
Expect that the new relationship will be the same as yours- and given 4 months, will begin to show signs of push/pull. She may return to you or she may not- at this point the more you stay involved in watching her every word, constantly checking the email and never leaving the computer because it's your last connection with her- the longer it will take you to assume some responsibility for your own direction in life and HEAL.
Sometimes this voyeurism is what people need to let go of the objectified fantasy of who they thought the person was. But it really includes letting go of what you thought you were in her eyes. That mirroring is pretty heady stuff and very addictive. Now that it's gone, you'll need to understand it for what it was.
If you're going to use the access to her email to prove that she is mirroring someone new - be aware that seeing your name will make you furious and damage you further unless you understand the Karpmann drama triangle and why she needs to appear victimized in order to find a rescuer.
Be aware of the irony that your spying on her email is playing right into how she is painting you- as a persecutor. So in a way, you are proving her right to the new guy that she needs protection. Also be aware that one day her password may change and you'll be symbolically cut off and feel horrible all over again. Until then, do what you must, but eventually you'll need to turn away from them and focus on rebuilding your self rather than using the email as a hit of the blowtorch. Every little burn will take you further and further away from rebuilding and letting go.
