WE have become the trigger to their bad behaviour... . I forgot who posted it, or where it was posted... . but wanted to query other people's thoughts / opinions on this... how do you think it gets to be that way, where we, by our mere prescence etc, starts triggering their bad behaviour?
<<~Apologies for the length of this- hope you can get something useful out of it~>>
Your entire relationship was a triggering *switch* event. (Unknown to you at the time until it ended and you began to think about specific instances) But all along, a disorder was running concurrently within the psyche of this person you loved.
The triggers that you look back on and try to make sense of are actually none of your fault- and may make more sense if you think of them like light switches to the Borderline personality construct. The switch goes on (reward) and off (withdrawal.) The triggering events are not of your making- they are acting out behaviors from the Borderline personality.
In Masterson’s case studies- he found that The Borderline individual has transference to others in “acting out.” And the acting out behaviors are due to Borderline splitting people (including themselves) into two part time halves-(not whole) with rewarding and withdrawing identities at either pole (that’s the either/or splitting) These either/or identities are at odds within each and every person the Borderline sees as well as in what they see in themselves.
A “whole” person is something foreign in the Borderline psyche. They do not see themselves as whole- nor do they see other people as whole. Being “whole” requires the independent existence of a well defined SELF. Being Whole allows for separation and individuation from others, which allows for empathy for others as separate and individual. The Borderline Self was not allowed to become “whole,” the outcome of a failure to separate and individuate from Mother during that pre-oedipal time- the curious, crawling, walking, discovering infant. Masterson felt that the genesis of Borderline disorder is the infant getting stuck between two outcomes of separation and individuation. The result being transfixed on Mothers reward (the on switch) and withdrawal (the off switch.)
The Borderline sees a withdrawing maternal part-image who enjoys the Borderlines helplessness and dependency. (Borderline Women and Men consistently replace this part-self image in marriage with Men and Women who foster dependency and infantilize them.)
The outcome of this withdrawing maternal image part is the idea that this person exploits- and is deliberately cruel. Triggering the fear of engulfment, and activates abandonment depression. (The Borderline says: where will I go? How else will I live?) Often the result is a Borderline who rails against abandonment but who harbors sadistic/masochistic fantasies which lead to acting out in self harm to get back at the Master for spite…
The rewarding maternal part-image is a strong, wonderful, idealized (all good) Mother who would save the Borderline from certain death. The outcome of the rewarding part is the *feeling good that never stays* that is, the Borderline never forms the ability to self soothe without Mother- and a subsequent depression arises because that part of the self image that allows the self to feel protected is also being a helpless, clinging, needy child.
This is the failure to separate/individuate.
Dueling between these underground part time objectifications is the stay on the surface EGO.
This ego is the personality construct that struggles to make sense of the back and forth switch between maternal reward and maternal withdrawing in life’s circumstances. This ego can only come up with behaviors to rule against the anxiety it fights against.
Anxiety 1) Individuation. Ego defense: Avoidance of individuation by finding someone else to cling to.Anxiety 2) Separation. Ego Defense: Denial of separation by subsuming someone else as an objectification.Anxiety 3) Clinging and helpless behavior and the rewarding object relations part-unit. Ego defense: sex or other rewarding behaviors to ensure they are valued and not abandoned.The poor reality perception of this ego pathology results in extensive fantasy. Fantasy that if the rewarding part is done right- all will be well and life will be good. Replacements (objectified stand-ins for the original object- Mother) are “not utilized as real, whole objects, but displaced objects upon which unresolved infantile fantasies are projected.”
The transference relationship is not a conscious one to a Borderline.
For the most part, the early phases of the romantic relationship with a Borderline activate the “rewarding part-time unit”- that goes for both of you actually, as you each mirror the other. Since Borderline transference is “acting out” behavior- it is already very active at the beginning of the relationship. (Unknown to you of course.)
What you, your SELF, has accomplished as a successful “separation and individuation” in your own life experience is now perceived as working behaviors of rewarding and withdrawing by the Borderline. The Borderline is highly attuned to the separation and individuation success of others and the failure of their own. What Masterson calls an “idiosyncratic sensitivity.”
Combined with poor reality perceptions, Masterson felt that this hyper-sensitivity led to some surprising and seemingly bizarre responses to initial questions about their Borderline belief system. In other words, did Borderlines know that they were not really seeing whole persons- but rather parts to be used in the *formation of the switch* between parts? - And was there empathy involved in the understanding that this compulsion to switch between the two might be utterly confusing to their partner?
Masterson found that the Borderline response was to *not* take full responsibility (how can a person without a SELF be responsible for the Self?) thereby avoiding the depression that this self discovery entails. The Borderline instead tried to induce in the therapist (as well as others) a response with either the rewarding part or the withdrawing part of the self object. The rewarding part would exist as a fantasy partner (either promiscuous or child-like) while the withdrawing part would provide a convenient target for rage. The ability of the therapist to not be drawn into resonating with either part self was the only course of treatment. Masterson felt that the awakening of memories set the stage for the working through of them- and on to the true self. But this was an arduous task because the Borderline acted out against self awareness.
The developing ego becomes mistrusting of others. “The capacity to tolerate anxiety, depression and frustration is minimal.” (Masterson 1981) The ability to differentiate between past, and present, reality and fantasy, and mature and infantile aspects are all blurred.
The disorder splits the transference into “acting out” behaviors of withdrawing and rewarding either or’s but never whole and together in the same person. And that includes their perception of you too. They are unaware of their distorted perceptions and denial of reality- which concludes that they are unaware of their self- destructive cycles.
So to answer your question, (which really is a dilemma about the acting out behavior- and which part self you’ll encounter if you do pick up that phone and call her)
You may be greeted by the rewarding part self- that sexually flirtatious rewarding self with its reunion fantasy and its longing for true love… this is probably what you liked the best about her and what she liked too. It may have felt good, but under the sway of a pathology which is acting out in a regressive, self destructive manner. (That is, she’s still not being responsible for separation/individuation and you’ll be turned into the sadistic withdrawing unit in no time.) This was probably what you need to come to terms with about the relationship the most- and she’s not going to have any insight about this that helps... .
The Borderline perceives love as punitive and harsh and leading to abandonment. It’s the denial of the benefit of love. They will continue to act out the withdrawing part of the self in engulfment response***OR*** activate the “rewarding unit” as a defense against the abandonment. Hence the puzzling back and forth, push and pull which makes no sense to anyone other than the disorder itself.
Most people have childhood memories. When we bring them into therapy, we project our feelings on to the therapist and “transfer” to him our triggering events. The therapist then curbs his own counter-transference and helps us to resolve our issues. We re-live the trauma by bringing it to the surface to process. This “transference” relationship requires that each person is their own self “object.” There isn’t any part self in split collusion or toxic enmeshment to get in the way. That requires two independent people with independent thoughts. Something the Borderline has no experience with unless she's confronted with her reward and withdrawing behaviors, becomes separate (you let her go,) and she gets to feel the subsequent abandonment depression (just like you're feeling.) Eventually, as we all have to, we come to the realization that life means responsibility to one’s Self and that we are our own person- alone. And it's O.K.
