Almost 3 weeks no contact and no drama - too good to be true?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all,

I recently broke it off with my BPD ex-fiancee almost three weeks ago, although I left the house a week before that to get some space.

When I told her that it was over, she was quite closed up and angry - went on the offensive a couple of times asking me why I was trying to hurt her. The next day she sent me a message asking to reconcile and I refused. She then went a bit nuts calling and txting me, telling me that she deserved a final goodbye or an explanation about why we weren't going to work things out. In addition to some other stuff, the basic idea is that she was going nuts trying to engage with me.

I disengaged and just replied very factually, telling her that seeing each other wouldn't help the separation and that I wanted to get my things in a couple of days.

She dropped off my things the next day or so, and sent a perfunctory text that it was outside my Mum's house. I thanked her via text and that was that.

Since then (and that was almost three weeks ago), I haven't heard a peep from her. I haven't contacted her in any way shape or form, directly or indirectly. And she hasn't contacted me - the only possible way would be indirectly through her blog, but I make sure not to look at it. She also hasn't contacted any of my friends or family that I know of.

I had my sister email her a couple of days ago, to arrange a time to get a few of my things that were still with her (important things like my business records). She hasn't replied to that email. I predicted that she wanted me to contact her directly and that she wouldn't reply to my sister, which so far has proven accurate.

I'm going to text her tonight, with something very factual to follow up the email. If she doesn't reply to that, I'll send her another text the following day, asking her to either reply or I'll organise it through her mother instead.

I'm just wondering, is this really how it's going to end? I'm just surprised that it's all over with a whimper, rather than a bang.

Being honest with myself, a large part of me is confused - it's been almost three years today, spending every single day together, and it's just going to fizzle like this with no contact? But the other parts of me are disappointed that there's no more drama, and concerned that maybe this is just the calm before the storm.

What do you guys think? It's not that I *want* drama. It's just that I'm surprised (and slightly disappointed, simply in terms of my ego) that there isn't. Should I prepare for anything else, or is this really going to be it? I want to get the last of my stuff, so that I have no plausible reason to contact her again and I can break through the glass ceiling and go through the rest of my healing.

[Lethyr]

Hey all,

I recently broke it off with my BPD ex-fiancee almost three weeks ago, although I left the house a week before that to get some space.

When I told her that it was over, she was quite closed up and angry - went on the offensive a couple of times asking me why I was trying to hurt her. The next day she sent me a message asking to reconcile and I refused. She then went a bit nuts calling and txting me, telling me that she deserved a final goodbye or an explanation about why we weren't going to work things out. In addition to some other stuff, the basic idea is that she was going nuts trying to engage with me.

I disengaged and just replied very factually, telling her that seeing each other wouldn't help the separation and that I wanted to get my things in a couple of days.

She dropped off my things the next day or so, and sent a perfunctory text that it was outside my Mum's house. I thanked her via text and that was that.

Since then (and that was almost three weeks ago), I haven't heard a peep from her. I haven't contacted her in any way shape or form, directly or indirectly. And she hasn't contacted me - the only possible way would be indirectly through her blog, but I make sure not to look at it. She also hasn't contacted any of my friends or family that I know of.

I had my sister email her a couple of days ago, to arrange a time to get a few of my things that were still with her (important things like my business records). She hasn't replied to that email. I predicted that she wanted me to contact her directly and that she wouldn't reply to my sister, which so far has proven accurate.

I'm going to text her tonight, with something very factual to follow up the email. If she doesn't reply to that, I'll send her another text the following day, asking her to either reply or I'll organise it through her mother instead.

I'm just wondering, is this really how it's going to end? I'm just surprised that it's all over with a whimper, rather than a bang.

Being honest with myself, a large part of me is confused - it's been almost three years today, spending every single day together, and it's just going to fizzle like this with no contact? But the other parts of me are disappointed that there's no more drama, and concerned that maybe this is just the calm before the storm.

What do you guys think? It's not that I *want* drama. It's just that I'm surprised (and slightly disappointed, simply in terms of my ego) that there isn't. Should I prepare for anything else, or is this really going to be it? I want to get the last of my stuff, so that I have no plausible reason to contact her again and I can break through the glass ceiling and go through the rest of my healing.

[BillP]

Good for you. I only hope that I can gain strength from what you have done. Be proud of yourself. I have only been out of her house for a few days, and from what everyone has told me, she'll be back. And my main concern is, when? I don't hate this woman, in fact, I can honestly say I will love her until the day I close my eyes for good. I wish she would get the help she needs. But if this is the life she wants to live, fine, but not for me. Never again!

[Devin78]

Lethyr,

If you do contact her and set up a time to pick up your stuff expect her to have another guy there already. Most BPDs have bad abandonment issues and move on very fast so as not to be alone. If she is alone then be prepared for absolute chaos. Crying, begging, and incoherant english was what I saw in my ex. Threats of suicide are common. Just giving you some insight as to what to expect so your not picking your jaw up off the floor. More than likely she realized you were out of her fog so she found someone else to fill the void.

[Lethyr]

God, not looking forward to that if it happens... .

I've maintained a very strict NC policy, so I got my sister to email her on a few days ago to sort my things out. No reply.

I sent her a text last night, just following up my email - still no reply.

I'm going to send her another text today saying that if she prefers not to talk to me, I can deal with her mother - but not sure what I'll do if I don't make any headway... .

[TonyC]

mail the mother a prepaid slip from one of your shipping companies, then call them and arrange a pickup at thier place you might even to able to do this online...

do it fast... .before she poisons her mother with tales... .

[Lethyr]

Yeah, I'm not sure what to do. The mother herself is mentally unbalanced. During the actual break up and days following, the mother went off her nut at me more than my ex did.

I've got the majority of my stuff - I just need a few important items like my laptop, which has my business records on it.

I'm trying to just sort this out cleanly and amicably, because after this I'll have no more reason to be in contact with her, which will help with my recovery.

I figure I'll send one more text tonight and then reevaluate whether I go through the mother or just sneak in with my spare key, take the data I need, and just let her have the laptop... .A clean break might be better than refueling any drama.

[RealEyes]

Its always a strange feeling when we stop cold turkey doing a bad or good drug... .try to feel relief in knowing it, her, didn't injure you for life!    

[Lethyr]

Hah, I certainly hope she hasn't... .

I'm quite frustrated at the moment. I've been doing really well with my recovery and the no-contact. It just bothers me that now I'm forced to reinitiate and she's not even replying.

I just want this last logistical thing to be over, so I don't ever need to contact her again and I can move on with my life. I just feel like she's stopping me from doing that. A few of my friends told me to remember that I'm in control of how I react to events and if I think this is stopping me from moving on, then that's what'll happen.

But damn it, she did absolutely nothing in the relationship, and now that we're not even in one, she's still useless! God, I hate her.

[RealEyes]

Sounds like you have good friends... .try to remember the initially reason for going NC was because this is what they do once we attempt to contact them for anything.  This is how they work but at the same time you had the same option to do the same to her then u went LC instead and now she is one up on you in her mind. She is working your nerves by not doing a thing as usual,, that's why you left her. What she is doing is what you need her to do to in an hit_ way but... ., to make you hate her, so just do that without acting on it,, then begin to heal by acting on taking care of who you were before you met her?

This is why we must remain NC, because we have souls and BPDS have only holes. x 

[Benny]

Be prepared for the unexpected, they dont all respond/act in the same way.

You might get the cold shoulder,you might get raging,you might get pleading,begging you to come back and then you might get all of this within 10 minutes.

Dont give in to any of it, stick to the point,get your stuff and go strict NC.

Stay strong

Benny

[TonyC]

dont go there... like many others... .here...

they call the cops... .and someone... slams their finger in a door. all by themselves... youll be doing an overnighter... .

[Devin78]

Is getting a police escort an option? If she has YOUR property and you need YOUR property back couldn't you have an officer there to facilitate the exchange?

[RealEyes]

Is getting a police escort an option? If she has YOUR property and you need YOUR property back couldn't you have an officer there to facilitate the exchange?

After dealing with this last X, i certainly have an escort with me as a witness while retrieving my personals, BPD or not.

[Lethyr]

OK - so I sent her a text in the early evening last night saying that I didn't get a reply to my last text, I understand if she doesn't want to talk with me, so if I don't hear back from her that night, I'll talk to her mother instead.

I predicted that she would reply because she doesn't want to get the mother involved, and that realistically she wants my attention.

I get a reply back in ten minutes, "Sorry am really busy right now. I will contact you in a little while to sort things out."

Umm... .great. So, is she busy that second, busy in general? Contact me how - call, text, email? And when is a little while - later that night, week, month?

I realised at that point that it's just a control game for her. I sent her another text saying that I needed my things urgently and in the next few days and that I've let her keep it for the last few weeks because I know she's busy.

No reply, so I sent another text 3-4 hours later saying "I never got a reply to my last text. I don't think dealing directly is working. I'll ask my sister to contact your mother tomorrow and we can sort it out that way."

No reply since then, so I'll go with what I said... .Doesn't help that the Mum is unbalanced herself... .

I don't want to get police involved because this will just escalate out of control. I'm hoping it will be able to resolve itself before that becomes necessary.

[TonyC]

you are playin the game... so now its your serve agian right?

send a registered letter... .with and official request... .for my stuff back and what the  items are are... listed... .

address it to the mother... .

if your doing a text...

i will have someone come to pick up my stuff... sat morning 10 am...

period... .drive a friend over

[Lethyr]

Haha, your serve... .That's so well put.

It's obviously a stupid power play. I reach out, she cold shoulders me. I tell her I'll take control by going to the mother, she takes control back saying that she'll contact me in her time. I tell her it's not working, so I'll go to the mother.

It's a stupid game. I was actually upset initially when she didn't reply to my email, thinking that maybe she's over me or she doesn't care. It's the opposite - it's a big power play just to spite me.

I don't know about the letter, because I need the stuff back really urgently. I'm getting my sister to send a text this afternoon: "Hi [name], it's Lethyr's sister. Can we organise a time to pick up or drop off the last of Lethyr's things? In particular, he needs his laptop back urgently for the IRS."

I'm hoping it just resolves, because I really don't want to feed into any more drama. Does that sound OK?

[TonyC]

personally i think thats fine... and advise your sister.

to say hello

hes doin ok

and good bye...

dont let her get caught in the game... shes doin you a solid on this one.

[Lethyr]

When I asked one of my sharp female friends to analyse the situation, her interpretation:

"I'll tell you I'm busy so you think I'm over the relationship. Now I'm going to take control by saying that I'll be the one that contacts you. And now I'll make the time period unclear, so you'll have to think about me the whole time wondering when I'll get back in touch."

I agree.

I think that the only way to "win" this game is to not play it. So hopefully I can just get in and get out. Then send a text reasserting no-contact, and hopefully never speak with her again.

[Lethyr]

OK - update in the situation.

My sister texts her Mum, who replies saying that she'll talk to my X.

My BPDx texts me almost straight away saying that she said she was busy and that she would text me today (which is a load of bull, her earlier message to me could've meant anything).

She asks me for a few things, I tell her what I need, and we arrange to meet outside our old place tomorrow at midday. She originally asked where I wanted to meet, and when I suggested a mall, she wanted it outside her house. So why bother asking me in the first place then? I hate her stupid control games.

I'm going to bring a friend just in case anything happens.

I'm so pissed off with the mother though. She then texted my sister saying that she wants me to pay the water rates over the last 9 months because I've been living there rent-free. Um, excuse me, I've been financially supporting her daughter for at least six months... .paying for absolutely EVERYTHING. God, I'm so pissed off. I bet she thinks her daughter's just a total sweet angel that's been left by the big bad wolf.

I wish both of those total psychotics would just wake up one day.

Phew, rant over.

[2010]

I bet she thinks her daughter's just a total sweet angel that's been left by the big bad wolf.

my BPD partner really enjoyed being "dominated", shall we say. In retrospect, we were into some pretty degrading things - mostly involved her being degraded. She'd cycle between telling me she loved it and telling me that she only did it for me. I'm a man though, so to be honest - I enjoyed it :P A part of me worries whether I'll find a partner who'll be sexually open enough to do some of the stuff we did, which I enjoyed.

People who “enjoy” dominating and people who “enjoy” being dominated have hidden agendas.  While there is an impression of romanticism, the reality is not so kind.  Both are deeply ingrained false beliefs.

Borderlines choose powerlessness (submission) with the “help” of another human being in much the same way they might take a drink to take the edge off.  Each submissive gesture by them is an attempt to disprove their doubt. Doubt causes anxiety. Anxiety comes from doubt.~ Doubt that they are good. Doubt that they are worthwhile. Doubt that they do not deserve punishment from others... .

Disproving doubt prevents them from feeling ashamed.  When they victimize and turn people to persecutors- they no longer have doubts about themselves. They do have shame (remnants from childhood and past relationships) which they try to cast off onto their victims.  The casting off of shame is done by creating doubt in the victim.  It is overwhelmingly satisfying to a Borderline to turn the tables and become the sadist, with no shame and no doubt that you are actually deserving of their punishment.

Call it a battle of wills if you must, but when you take a look at what’s going on- you have presented yourself as a dominant, controlling, punitive partner throughout the relationship. You did some things that “mostly involved her being degraded.”

Why wouldn’t her Mother think that you are “the big bad wolf?”

Borderlines seek out relationships with people who choose to deny their own doubt.  If you have no doubt at first, a Borderline will change that. You will either suffer shame for what you did or you will return to have no doubts about what went wrong.

Borderline personality disorder is about punishment. Some people deplore their own weakness, yet seek it out in others.  They do that by finding people that they can control and get a sense of power from.   This works both ways.  Borderlines are people in psychological bondage.  They need sadists in order to be masochists.  One doesn’t exist without the other, hence the conundrum: the Sadist needs a Masochist and the Masochist needs a Sadist. But really- they are one and the same, both taking turns humiliating the other to gain a sense of control in their lives.

You must understand that your fantasy of yourself as a controlling, punitive, dominant is now reality. It is also reality that you are no longer the dominant- but are now masochistically inclined with the Borderline as Master in control.

A Borderline will sadistically reverse the sado masochistic situation and get even.  You now exist as a sadist as well as a masochist to receive her released anger directed towards you. This will fulfill her repetition compulsion and stop her efforts at looking inward to herself.  She chose you because you dominated her-you were punitive and commanding- in turn replacing a sadistic inner tormentor in her mind and bringing the fear of unworthiness she mulls over and over in her head one step closer to reality. Borderlines do not compartmentalize their lives. Fantasy and Reality are merged for her- which leaves you with zero fantasy to play with.  Zero fantasy means reality.  You are now forever a sadist in the Borderline mind.

You see, these punitive master/slave games weren’t opportunities to spice up a love life- they were deep seated compulsions that attempted to fill up a wounded soul.

[Devin78]

OK - update in the situation.

My sister texts her Mum, who replies saying that she'll talk to my X.

My BPDx texts me almost straight away saying that she said she was busy and that she would text me today (which is a load of bull, her earlier message to me could've meant anything).

She asks me for a few things, I tell her what I need, and we arrange to meet outside our old place tomorrow at midday. She originally asked where I wanted to meet, and when I suggested a mall, she wanted it outside her house. So why bother asking me in the first place then? I hate her stupid control games.

I'm going to bring a friend just in case anything happens.

I'm so pissed off with the mother though. She then texted my sister saying that she wants me to pay the water rates over the last 9 months because I've been living there rent-free. Um, excuse me, I've been financially supporting her daughter for at least six months... .paying for absolutely EVERYTHING. God, I'm so pissed off. I bet she thinks her daughter's just a total sweet angel that's been left by the big bad wolf.

I wish both of those total psychotics would just wake up one day.

Phew, rant over.

Just have the friend with you, get your business done and get out of there. Then its done and over and you can forget she or her mother even exist. The threats of paying the water bill, blow it off. They can't make you pay anything. Were you in a contract to pay that bill? Nope. Then its not your concern. Enjoy the rest of your life out of OZ.

[Lethyr]

Update: I went over and got my stuff a couple of days ago.

In all honesty, she did have a real problem differentiating between games in the bedroom and real life... .I always found that a little strange. Although that analysis you've provided is actually incredibly disturbing - even though I can see the truth in it. I also cringe to say this (but I have a policy of being brutally honest with myself), sometimes bed was the only time I really felt any control in the relationship... .

Anyway I digress, after contacting the mother and forcing my X to contact me, we finally arranged a time to meet up at midday. She initially suggested the morning but I told her I needed more time to get some of her stuff (foreshadowing).

On the morning of the Saturday, I get a text from her saying "Haven't made my way back home yet, can we do it later in the day?" I know she's not a morning person, so she's implying she's been out all night and stayed over at somebody's... .I was really pissed off with this power game. She texted me at 9:30am, we're meeting at 12pm... .she has plenty of time to get home and she knows it. Hell, she was the one that originally wanted it in the morning, so I knew she'd set this whole thing up just to send me that text.

I reply asking if her mother will be free to do the exchange at 12pm instead. She says no. I text the mother and she wasn't sure what was going on herself. Eventually my X texts me back again an hour later after some back and forth with the mother and says "I can do 12:30pm, I just needed time to get back home." God, whatever. I get the message OK - you're out having fun on Friday night and stayed over at someone's. I get it. Jesus. And honestly, if she can make it home at 12:30pm, she could've made it home at 12pm... .

When I get there, I'm sitting across the road from the house in the car with my friend. I text to let her know I'm there. She texts back and says "just a minute". Then the mother goes to the window, starts staring at me and scowling. I give her a polite wave to let her know it's me. She keeps scowling and staring then disappears from the window. Then she comes back with one of my cats! Starts stroking it in front of the window, pointing it at me, and scowling. It's like she's saying "look at what you're not going to get back in this exchange". It was the most horrible, petty, passive aggressive thing to do - showing me one of the cats that I have to leave behind.

After 5-10 minutes of that, my X comes out with my stuff. We walk and meet halfway between the house and the car. We exchange a few words to the effect of "is that my stuff" and hand everything over. She doesn't even sound like herself anymore - she's so cold and bitter and angry. She turns her back to me almost instantly and I said to her "just before you go. After this, there's no more reason for us to talk to each other, and I want to keep it that way." She says "OK." and then I go.

We drive off and that's it. The mother texts me again asking if I can pay the water rates. I tell her to give me her bank account number and it'll be paid tonight. It makes me so damn angry but my friend told me to consider it a $200 cancellation fee to get the hell out of Dodge.

Well, that's that. I've got all the stuff that I need. She still has some of my things but nothing that I can't replace and she's welcome to keep it if this is the drama I get when I ask for stuff.

I had a bit of a weeping breakdown yesterday, but I feel better now. It just kills me that her and her psycho mother calculate all of their behaviour just to hurt me. It's like, what have I done to deserve this? My X screams at me at how I've ruined her life, she's the one that kicked me out. And yet somehow, when I do leave, I get all of this hate? God, I just want her to be consistent and move on. If it was that bad with me, then just be happy I'm out of your life.