09. Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr, MA

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks Rapt! I'm almost finished with my co-dependent book 'Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself' by Melody Beattie and then onto my BPD book titled 'I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus.

You are doing really well by reading the books you are reading; I read "Co-Dependent No More" in 1987 (yeah... . I'm that old   ) during a very trying time in my marriage, and it helped me actually save that marriage, so I recommend that book to anyone who has a relationship with anyone else~~which means everyone alive... . I've heard very good things about "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" and, of course, "Overcoming Borderline Disorder" is almost like taking a college course in the subject. Sounds like you are getting your ducks in a row here... . Things will look up   

[LoneWolf768]

You are doing really well by reading the books you are reading; I read "Co-Dependent No More" in 1987 (yeah... . I'm that old   ) during a very trying time in my marriage, and it helped me actually save that marriage, so I recommend that book to anyone who has a relationship with anyone else~~which means everyone alive... . I've heard very good things about "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" and, of course, "Overcoming Borderline Disorder" is almost like taking a college course in the subject. Sounds like you are getting your ducks in a row here... . Things will look up  

Thank you, Rapt. It's been difficult to deal with how and when my co-dependency started to get out of control. I can remember as far back as 2001 the only time I was really, really happy. Confident. Dependable. I think somewhere between then and now I fell into that mindset of ':)o good... . and good will come back to you.' and 'You reap what you sow.' - those sorts of things. Sometimes, these little messages can make anyone into a co-dependent!

I told myself when my ex BPD'er and I got together that I'd do what I did in 2009 and jump ship if anything with her seemed 'off'. Well, I guess with all her love bombing and mirroring, I was blinded and wasn't perceptive to the manipulating that was happening. I mean, for almost 3 months after I last saw her I made effort after effort to see her. She wanted us to get long by texting before she made the effort to call me. She used us not being together as a means to not return my calls and texts and agree to see me. A woman, who I've never even met in person but met via social media (this woman lives in TX, my ex and I live in Pa), was a threat to her for some reason... . guess it's that rabid jealousy BPD'ers feel. I added this woman on my FB friends list. My ex freaked and threw that in my face as me screwing up any chance at reconciliation. She didn't see that I'd been making efforts well beyond what I should've been making and all I heard was 'We aren't together.' If that's the case, why are you upset at me adding a woman, who I've never met and won't ever meet, on my FB friends list? FRIENDS being the operative word here! I kept hope in my heart that my efforts would be recognized, appreciated and rewarded. All it did was frustrate me and anger me, which in turn led to text arguments, insults, put downs, and everything else that can happen when someone becomes so exasperated with someone who is taking advantage of them. All that did was further her argument that I'd screwed up any chance at reconciliation. So what did I do? Make stronger efforts to prove myself!

After a while, I changed my # and made NC my priority. She contacted a close lady friend and asked for my #, and this woman did not give it to her at my request. She explained to her I needed to get myself together for the benefit of the relationship... . which it wasn't at that point. I get 2 days worth of emails basically DEMANDING I give her my new # and 'YOU KNOW WHAT CHANGING YOUR # DOES TO ME! GIVE ME YOUR F***** #!' So what does Braveheart768 do? He tries to negotiate a deal with the ex BPD'er: I give you my new #, you make the effort to call me more often than once or twice every 2 or 3 days and see me. I was recycleed into the demands this woman made and it was all in vain. The calling lasted for 2 days. I never saw her again. Had I just kept with NC, further fighting would've been avoided, more arguments, accusations and damaging words and insults would've been avoided. Perhaps we could've maintained something social. It's beyond fixing now. There was, and still might be, so much hate and anger coming from her end of town the mere mention of my name would probably have her blood pressure skyrocketing.

I read a lot of what people have said about their ex BPD'ers. Some BPD'ers abruptly leave, some people leave their BPD'ers... . and it sounds like there's always some type of contact between them and the BPD'er at some point. I won't have that problem. She left me because I apparently drove her crazy. SHE did NOTHING wrong! I started all the arguments; I didn't want the relationship to work; I was the jealous, insecure and controlling one; I was the psycho. All the things I said she was she projected onto me. How can I defend myself against people she knows? Guess I just can't worry about what her friends and family think about me and she can't worry about what my friends and family think about her.

But I want to specify something: I acknowledged my part on the demise. She didn't and won't even. She thinks she did NOTHING to warrant me getting upset. Did I go overboard with the insults and name calling? I did. She did also. I gave what I got. Plain and simple.

Being a co-dependent can really, really put a damper on ones life. We go above and beyond, most times it blows up in our faces and we're kicking ourselves for letting it. 'Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself' can hopefully get me to see life through a different set of glasses. Thanks again, Rapt. I'm slowly getting my ducks together, one duck at a time.

[heronbird]

Oh sorry, I havent been on here for a few days. Yes yes my favourite book that helped me so much. So compassionate and empathetic understanding of BPD.

Its not easy reading, but Valerie knows that we all have a brain and probably likes to stretch us. Well that was good for me because I did find it hard going, but I knew I had to study it in order to be able to help my dd. I did and it did help me.

After I read her book, I tried to read another BPD book but I found it too simple.

I did find that I agreed with most of what Valerie said and I just think she completely gets it. Ive read loads of books on BPD, but this was so exact.

Then I realised recently that it is the only book that is written by someone who has a loved one with BPD, she is not a clinician only.

psychiatrists and other clinicians are detached, family members are in it for the long haul, we have a vested interest in the future, clinicians dont. We are emotionally attached, and that can make caring for someone with Bpd really much harder.

The book is written more for dds or ds Id say, but I think you can use it for dh or dw s. It teaches compassion, refraiming things too.

I think she covers everything actually.

My relationship with my dd would not be as good as it is if it wasnt for this book. I know Im not the only one who says this too.

[qcarolr]

It has been awhile since I have read Valrie Porr's guide on BPD. I do remember the first time I tried to read it there was a lot of resistance in me. I think her focus on the needs of the loved one with BPD conflicted with my own unresolved pain, sorrow, denail, etc... . at that time. I was not in a place where I could hear what she had to say.

As I have worked to heal myself - to recovery from the traumas of loivng my BPDDD27, then so much of what she has to say does connect with what I need to know and do to be in connection with my DD. And how to protect my core values with appropriate boundaries along this path.

Just as we parents adapt so much that is out there for couples with a BPD partner, this family focused book can be adapted to the partner wanting to love their BPD other.

Also, this book is current. It is based on the neuological research based understandings and treatments being published in past couple years. So much of what was written prior to about 2007 may be outdated. This makes this book by Porr that much more valuable as a tool in our struggle to maintain a connection to our pwBPD. A heart to heart connection.

qcr  

[Reality]

So many people on this board find Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming BPD, very helpful.  I thought I should let any NYCers know about this 8 week workshop.

Reality

[Reality]

The TARA webinars start October 26th for three weeks on Saturday morning.  The final one is December 14th called Coping With The Holidays:Heading Off Disaster. 

Sound helpful... .

Reality

[More than sad]

yes, the grieving ceremony is so powerful.  I've shared it with others who don't have BPD in their lives because it is so powerful as a grief ceremony.

[Rapt Reader]

When I first learned that my loved one was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I had no idea what that meant, what we should do, and what he was going through (and what the rest of the family would need to do to deal with all of this). This book has become my Bible of BPD; I turn to it often for specific situations with my loved ones that need my attention. It is thorough and honest, but positive and encouraging in dealing with all symptoms and behaviors associated with BPD.

The information is invaluable to me, and has literally helped my whole family live a more balanced and less stressful life.

[RobinR]

We were wondering if anyone has done the trainings with TARA Association for Personality Disorder and how you felt about it? Was it helpful? How were the workshop facilitators?

[six]

I took the Tara training.  I found it helpful.  The trainers are very experienced.  Valerie presents a lot of scientific research about BPD.  Over all, I would say it was worthwhile and educational and started me thinking differently about my role in my son's recovery.

[Reality]

Hello there:

Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, is indispensable.  The concept of the TARA Tiara, the metaphor for the life experience of someone with BPD, is brilliantly illustrative of the complexity of the problems faced by the person with BPD.  It helps one to understand why pwBPD do recover when given the skills to regulate their emotions and tolerate distress.  

As well, the chapter on Mentalization is exceptional, as this therapy moves from a technique, formulaic approach to an individualized conversational, less esoteric way of understanding.  I think different therapies are very helpful, as there is a cultural context for the various approaches.  

People with BPD are complex.  Typical parenting is often not useful.  Often one of the parents is a highly sensitive person, as well. It makes the family dynamic very difficult.  I think that is why family therapy is so helpful.  Rather than pathologizing, I think it is wise to see the dynamics as extraordinarily complex; thus, outside help is very necessary.  

Understanding the person with BPD releases endorphins, changing the brains of everyone involved.  This is a problem of hyper-delayed maturity often with substances in the mix.  

Very difficult situations. Dr Maria Sirois, in her workshop on resilience, highlights the importance of support and compassionate help.   That is why support of all kinds is necessary.  When someone supports the parents, endorphins are also released and the parents can think more clearly.  That is why this supporting board is so helpful.  Just knowing that someone listens is a very powerful cognition booster.  Neuro-science supports this dynamic conclusively.

Bottom line, from neuro-science, is  that kindness, compassion and understanding heals the brain and body.  Kindness to oneself first as in the time-worn reality-check: Love your neighbor as yourself.  It is assumed in the Greek understanding that one loves oneself.  In our modern culture, it can no longer be assumed.  We are programmed to look good and sound good.  Take care of your body, mind and soul.  Ask for help from whomever you can find.  

Musings from Reality

[More than sad]

Valerie Porr's book is the best thing I've ever found.  My son spent 6 weeks at Menninger and made great progress and is getting his life back.  Porr's book is recommended by them and I have found so many ways to communicate with my son that are so much better than I was using.  Amazing book; can't recommend it enough. 

[Panda39]

Once I found out about my boyfriend's BPD ex I began to read many books on the subject.  I really liked this book I felt it was very clear, organized and sympathetic to the person with BPD.  A good resource.  I have recommended this book to others.

[malibu4x]

Hi all

I started reading this book this past week and it has made a HUGE difference for me.

It has given me more of the biological insight into why my uBPDw does what she does, and to really not take things personally, as well as have much much more compassion for her.  

Skip reviewed a while back, but wanted to bring it to light again.  Such a great resource. I found it much more helpful than "Eggshells".
bpdfamily.org/2011/03/how-to-support-someone-with-borderline.html

The book gets into the details on DBT, and I'm finding it extremely insightful as I get ready to go into it myself.

[Skip]

1

[Resiliant]

This book was my first introduction to BPD.

Like other posters in this thread, I also highlighted texts, tried to read more slowly and thought of it as my "second Bible".   Everything the author Valerie said resonated with me.  Things that I felt in my heart for years but couldn't put words to.

This book has helped me tremendously.  My only regret is that I didn't have this book years earlier.   I feel like if I had been armed with the knowledge from this book I could have prevented events in our family that have caused my uBPD son crushing pain and serious damaging depression and obsessive rumination since then.   

I do respect everyone's posts about this book, however in regards to the first post I got a much different perception from the information given.  In the analogy of "saving a drowning person" I personally felt that Valerie Porr was throwing me the life preserver, the rope, and all the tools that I needed because an actual professional lifeguard was simply not present.  She did so without the promise of being able to save the drowning victim, but with the hope and also with the safety equipment not to drown myself.

This book actually inspired me to want to start a local support group, and then that is what led me here. 

I feel that this is a book for people who still love the person with BPD and want to understand them and improve their relationship.   It is an ideal book for parents of children and adult children with BPD.

Highly recommended.