high functioning BPD:difficult finding closure..

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, after being painted black last August its now over a month of NC.

Im amazed at the impact my uBPDxgf still has on me. I mean, we were only together for 6 months. I read some stories here, and it makes me feel very selfish...   I can only imagine the impact after years(marriage/children) And here I am... Having trouble letting go after six months!

But it's still really affecting me. I have had 2 serious relationships before (one 5 years, and one 2 years) but after breaking up they didn't gave me this kind of grief. Crazy how difficult it can be to just 'let go'

Still wondering if I did things wrong. uBPDxgf was very high functioning and because she was a psychologist she was able to really point out my negatives.I think she was in some way very aware of herself as well. She told me once that she had this course about BPD (scheme therapy?) and felt very very uncomfortable. Also she said that in the future when she has more money she would go to therapy.

But I think here is my difficulty letting it go. She could have this amazing 'clear' moments. Admitting her faults. She could be very ashamed of herself when she realized her inappropriate anger outbursts. Or after a break up telling me how lucky she was to have me. Saying Im a gem of gems. Suddenly the clouds removed and it was all sunny again. (she used that line a lot) She painted me black now, so no other choice then NC.

But i have no id what I would do when she would contact me. The fact that this is bothering me means that Im far from over it. She moved on very easily (find that scary) But im still left without closure. I do know that I don't want a relationship in this way... but knowing and acting with that knowledge are 2 different things.

Still early days... I realize that.

It seems in a way easier to blame her BPD for the failure of this relationship. But deep down I know I put myself in this relationship. I let it happen... .But her high functioning really is confusing!

Any tips/advice something to share?

Would really appreciate it!

[Anami]

So, after being painted black last August its now over a month of NC.

Im amazed at the impact my uBPDxgf still has on me. I mean, we were only together for 6 months. I read some stories here, and it makes me feel very selfish...   I can only imagine the impact after years(marriage/children) And here I am... Having trouble letting go after six months!

But it's still really affecting me. I have had 2 serious relationships before (one 5 years, and one 2 years) but after breaking up they didn't gave me this kind of grief. Crazy how difficult it can be to just 'let go'

Still wondering if I did things wrong. uBPDxgf was very high functioning and because she was a psychologist she was able to really point out my negatives.I think she was in some way very aware of herself as well. She told me once that she had this course about BPD (scheme therapy?) and felt very very uncomfortable. Also she said that in the future when she has more money she would go to therapy.

But I think here is my difficulty letting it go. She could have this amazing 'clear' moments. Admitting her faults. She could be very ashamed of herself when she realized her inappropriate anger outbursts. Or after a break up telling me how lucky she was to have me. Saying Im a gem of gems. Suddenly the clouds removed and it was all sunny again. (she used that line a lot) She painted me black now, so no other choice then NC.

But i have no id what I would do when she would contact me. The fact that this is bothering me means that Im far from over it. She moved on very easily (find that scary) But im still left without closure. I do know that I don't want a relationship in this way... but knowing and acting with that knowledge are 2 different things.

Still early days... I realize that.

It seems in a way easier to blame her BPD for the failure of this relationship. But deep down I know I put myself in this relationship. I let it happen... .But her high functioning really is confusing!

Any tips/advice something to share?

Would really appreciate it!

[Benny]

Anami

Im sorry youve had to experience a BPD,especially a high functioning mental health professional, that must be so hard to deal with.

For now the best advice I could give is to remain NC,especially with someone like her and to keep posting,reading and learning here on the boards,its an amazing community and there are many here who will always do their best to give heartfelt and solid advice and ideas.

Dont feel selfish in thinking a 6 month r/s is nothing compared to what others here have been through,BPD's can have a very damaging effect in a short space of time but to be honest the best thing you can do is start looking at why you allowed it to happen, really confronting but absoloutely necessary.

Take care

Benny

[stateofzero]

Anami,

I was with my uxBPDgf for over a year.  It was a live-in relationship.  The most intense I have ever had.  I was truly in love with her (or at least who she acted to be).  I feel your pain.  I have been there and there are still remnants that I am working through.  Believe me, you have been hurt in ways you have not yet realized.  I used to think this was BS, but it's true.

BPDers will lie and manipulate you. That is what they do. Intentionally or not, they will do whatever it takes to alleviate their own pain. My uxBPDgf admitted she has issues, that she hated herself, hated her life, was trapped in a cycle, yet it was easier for her to run away from the man who loved her than seek the help that was offered.  Not even 3 months after our breakup she is living with her new victim.  This after telling me that she loved me and that her leaving had nothing to do with her not loving me.  I still remember her telling me, "you think I don't love you, but that's not true".  Words that pierced my heart and rattled my soul.  Yet she still left.  They move on very easily, that is what they do.  They have no sense of true love.  They are sick and need help and you are not the person to give it to them. They must want and seek it on their own.

It is painful.  It will test you to your core, but you must put yourself first.  I remember how unbearable it feels in the early stages.  Fresh after the breakup, but it will get better.  Implement no contact and don't look back.  You will probably suffer setbacks (see her out with her new man, hear about her from friends, etc.), but stay strong.  She will try to contact you, but you must not reply. My ex painted me black to her family and friends.  They are like children and can't stand to be held accountable for anything.  They are quick to blame it on you and lie if necessary.

You are right, we did put these people in our lives, we did overlook the red flags and held on. This may be because of unresolved issues within ourselves or because we are actually capable of real love.  Regardless, you need to remove yourself from the dysfunction in order to figure this out.  I can tell you that now, 8 months out of my relationship, things are finally making sense once the hurt begins to subside.  I know that leaving was the best decision I could have made and so will you.  Be strong.  Love yourself and let go.

[Anami]

Thank you Benny and stateofzero

I didn't caught her telling a lie(although she could sometimes say things that are not true in small talk), but she really was a master of manipulation.

There were these situations that she made me feel really bad about myself.

She was really good at explaining me why things hurt her. And as a result I found myself walking on eggshells.

But I really have to keep me reminded that there's a high possibility that she has BPD and there's nothing I can do about it!

Just read something on the internet here it goes:

High functioning are the ones who "fool everyone" into thinking that they are 'Mr. or Ms. Wonderful', and reserve the extreme BPD behaviors for their partners or children. On the surface they appear to  function well in the majority of areas their lives. They are frequently psychiatrists, social workers, clinical therapists, or otherwise involved in the caring industry.  A second sub-set do very well in the military/prison system or customs where they are in control of those around them, in positions like: military officers, police officers, prison guards or customs officers.

'Funny' part is that she's not only a psychiatrist but she initially wanted to work in a prison!

So I don't know why its that important for me to have that 'label' on her.

And it was actually her that introduced me with BPD. But once she did things sort of fell in place. And the way how she broke up with me left me with so many questions... .So somehow its even an comfortable thought that she really has BPD. But I really need to start looking at myself.

[eman01]

Also she said that in the future when she has more money she would go to therapy.

This sounds fishy. If she's a high functioning BPD psychiatrist why would she be short on money for therapy? They make a lot of money. I may be wrong here but I think going to therapy is also somewhat mandatory for people in this profession.

Any more details on your experience?

[Anami]

whoops... made a type error... (was reading on a site about borderline and psychiatrists) She is actually a psychologist (never the less she earns a good amount of money as well)

The story behind this is that during our 'relationship' we decided that I was going to move over(we were in a long distance relationship)

And she had for the first time in her life the need to buy a house. Partly because of our relationship (she finally wanted to settle)

So when she told me that she wanted therapy she already bought the house. But she wanted to wait till I had moved in and things were more quiet and financially stable. Thats the logical explanation... .

[NonBPDLookingForAnswers]

Anami, believe me when I tell you the high functioning aspect of it is what is most confusing and keeps you tied down even after experiencing the angry outbursts, mood swings, name calling, threats, emotional blackmail. I have been there... .

My uBPDxbf was a high functioning dentist with a spotless public image. As I have said in my previous posts, everyone who knew we were dating would tell me "I am the luckiest girl in the world. There is no one like "X" - he is a gem of a human being. Don't let him go!"

And from the outside I thought he was the perfect guy for me, he was very successful (i.e. graduated dental school at age 21!), highly educated, intellectual, incredibly funny, witty, caring, giving, considerate, respectful. The keyword in my last sentence is "outside" - this was his OUTSIDE image. No one would believe me if I told them half the things he put me through, the names he called me, the fact that I almost had a nervous breakdown because of him, the fact that I would drive myself to work, hoping that a car would hit me and put me out of my misery. NO ONE SEES THIS SIDE OF THEM EXCEPT FOR THEIR MOST INTIMATE PARTNER!

Don't let the fact that she is high functioning make you second guess yourself.

Good luck and be strong.  x

[Anami]

Thank you nonBPDlooking... .

And yes... sounds very similar.

My biggest problem is probably that Im still idealizing her.

I have to focus at the fact that I ALWAYS felt that she wasn't in the relationship because she loved me... She loves a concept

Im hoping that one day I will really feel it that way, and not only knowing it.

[seeking balance]

So I don't know why its that important for me to have that 'label' on her.

And it was actually her that introduced me with BPD. But once she did things sort of fell in place. And the way how she broke up with me left me with so many questions... .So somehow its even an comfortable thought that she really has BPD. But I really need to start looking at myself.

I understand your confusion - I actually married my high functioning, (phd sociologist, employed by school of medicine/psychiatry - yes really).

I, too, went through a time where I wanted a diagnosis - and someone on these boards pointed out to me, you lived it, you know.  I think a high functioning with a background in mental health is particularly dangerous as they know all the right things to say.  If it makes you feel at all any better, so many of us here stayed in these relationships and did the MC, T, P - all of it with our partners, but they were never able to take responsibility for their own actions.  This personality disorder exists to deny itself.

Good for you to start focusing on yourself now- because really, that is the gift from these relationships.  Also, I know it hurts and is confusing, but you will come to a place where you are grateful that it did only last 6 months.  Closure will come when you accept who this person is and not what they said they are - if that makes any sense right now.

SB

[sadtorealize]

Take care Anami, I am just out (4-6 weeks) of a nine month relationship with an undiagnosed probable BPD boyfriend.  He was also high functioning for the most part although is anger, ability to walk away led to job losses (he has a Grad degree and is a clinician).

Take care of yourself... .the second guessing yourself kills you... .

[2010]

My biggest problem is probably that Im still idealizing her.

I'm going to shock you with this- but there is no such thing as a "high functioning Borderline." There, is, however, a thing called projective identification- and that comes from you and is projected on to *them.* Your wants, your dreams, your ethics, your morals. Your "ideal" has been projected on to this person who so cleverly mirrored you to the point that you were first attracted to yourself.

You wanted to believe that the mirrored personage you saw actually believed in everything you believed in.  That they would never hurt you and they were upstanding, "high functioning" citizens.  Good people who would do no harm. That they would hold you safe and secure- knowing that they were very, very lucky to have found you and you would follow the path to happiness together.

It seems silly when you think about it- to say that high functioning Borderlines are different that low functioning Borderlines. They aren't. Borderline is an attachment disorder. It is a disorder of perception- their perception of you as well as your perception of them. Bottom line, MIS-PERCEPTION. There's no way of getting around this- it is what it is- so stop projecting YOUR ethics and morals on to someone who doesn't have them memorized and incorporated within their own self.

This "high ranking" categorization is only a way to create cognitive dissonance on your part. www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance "Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously." They didn't have problems at the start of the relationship, but after awhile, you did see some things, but perhaps that was swept under the rug as your way of selling yourself on the sure thing. A "low" Borderline, you figured, would have given you cause to run.  Maybe with a low borderline you would have never gotten involved. A "high" ranking was trickier... .But like I said, Borderline is Borderline- mirroring is mirroring.  This "high functioning" statement is only your way of holding on to hope. Cognitive dissonance is your way of being biased against Borderline because you wish and hope for the fantasy of this "high functioning" partnership to come true.

"The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance." So that means you'll do whatever it takes to reduce holding conflicting ideas simultaneously.  That means you will say to yourself, oh- this person couldn't possibly be Borderline- they are too successful. This gives you hope that whatever problems they may have are attributed to work stress. This dissonance keeps you allowing the behavior in non-questionable functionality.  Hey, they're high functioning at work, so it must mean they re successful? right? Wrong. (You don't know what goes on at work.)  What you need to give weight to is- how they behave with YOU.

This bias you have is another way for the malignant optimism (the cancer of hope) to eat you away until there's nothing left of you. You see, this person that you projected your own personality upon wasn't high functioning at all. But you wanted them to be. This person is actually a Borderline in a high functioning job, appearing successful- but upon closer inspection, not really successful. It was just your projective identification on to them- plus maybe a little bit of protective altruism on your part when you found out that they needed some help.

Borderline is a hidden disorder. You dont see it right away. It's hidden until it's outed in odd behavior that doesn't make much sense, especially for someone "high functioning."  That in itself is a huge red flag.  Unknown to you, that first or second time you saw red flags, you overlooked them- and you overlooked them because you had projected much on to your partner of a personality much like your own- because *that was what was mirrored back* to you.

If you looked closer you'd see a trail of tears left behind from other people who also were mirrored. That trail probably was kept hidden until it was unearthed by you in a fishing expedition. Then it was used to hook you in as a better, more qualified suitor, or worse, an armchair psychologist- but it's all choreographed.  Others have walked in your footsteps before you and failed- but do not feel a false sense of satisfaction from that. You will eventually have the same outcome. High functioning, low functioning- it's all the same disorder.

Borderline is the cause of every mis-perception to have about this idealization.  The idealization began with mirroring, your cognitive dissonance and your eventual projective identification of yourself on to your partner.  It is Borderline Cause and effect. This sequence you'll have to confront.  You'll also have to accept that your idealization was *of yourself* and who you were with the Borderline, rather than who the Borderline was- so you've got to quit displacing the good onto her (and repeating the compulsion to make it work between you.) and turn the displacement of good onto yourself.  The person you really need to consider high functioning is yourself.  Hopefully, you'll realize that this Borderline person was not who you thought they were (p.s. you thought they were you) and you actually were involved with a chameleon who mimicked you.  That may seem high functioning and clever, but it's actually pretty low.

Let them go. They are chameleons- they will move on and focus on someone else. This is your only hope for a new life and new day. Grieve and adjust to this loss and remember, much of this is of your own making. It is your hopes and dreams and dignity that were projected on to someone who wanted it from you, mirrored you- but hadn't a clue as to how to hold on to it because they dont know how.  These hopes, dreams and dignity cannot be shared with this person anymore without dysfunction (dishonesty) on their part- so it's time to take all of it back.  

Be safe and take care of yourself first.    

[brenbabe]

2010, thank you

I think I am going to make it . Your explanation is superb even for a newbie like me. I am learning it was all smoke and mirrors, a ghost I projected my hopes and dreams on.

[seeking balance]

As usual 2010 - this post was right on the mark.  I had not thought of it as my own bias or untangled the high functioning career with the actual disorder still being low functioning emotionally.  I think because some people cannot hold a job or the multiple suicide attemps we read about - I found myself seperating the disorder into low and high functioning whereas it is more like ability to cope in society.  The basics of the disorder are all the same - thanks for the reminder.

[Anami]

Yes, I totally agree... spot on.

Hard reality! But its what we need to focus on.

[hiddenlizard]

have a friend, she had a diagnosed BPD mother who was in and out of institutions, eventually committed suicide

I think I have used the concept of "high functioning" for my stbx just because no one has locked him up yet... .

[Anami]

'one funny' thing to mention: As I said she was working as a psychologist. All her female colleges/friends where in mid 30's/40's and single. one of them was also diagnosed bi polar and on meds.

Strange thing!

[Anami]

i know Im looking in this way too much... .

And Im not saying they're all weirdo's

It is just a statement for myself that because she's a psychologist that doesn't mean she's healthy herself... .

[Tired10]

Well my exuBPDgf is training to be a Psychodynamic Counselor. I often wondered how on earth she could be effective at counselling.

I hold a similar view to yourself, the mental health profession attracts the disordered. I have never been in therapy and it kind of puts me off the idea!

[amyt]

i know Im looking in this way too much... .

And Im not saying they're all weirdo's

It is just a statement for myself that because she's a psychologist that doesn't mean she's healthy herself... .

I am a counsellor and when I was training - alot of the trainees had had problems themselves which the tutor believed made us more suitable to be counsellors.

We also had to have 60 hours of counselling ourselves.


I don't remember learning anything about BPD but I studied here in England where I don't think BPD is recognised very much.


I did manage to get my ex seen but they said they didn't like labels and he had BPD traits but not enough to call it a disorder. (According to him).

After 5 years of me studying the subject after a therapist suggested it to us - I am in no doubt that is what he has but he won't have it and just bullied med me but didn't recognise it. And it was my fault because no-one else made him feel like it... :'(