What now ?

[brenbabe]

I sit here reading and realize I held onto hope for three years that he would return and we would continue to have the relationship I thought we once had and he said was the best ever, before he walked out on me without a reason or a word. Not even a goodbye. Three years of loving him and thinking of him daily , being so depressed and losing intrest in everything that made me who I am. Three long years of nightly crying and hope for his return. He returns out of the blue, like magic hes at my door . I welcome him with open arms not even thinking about how he left me without a word and all the times in the past he hurt my feelings. He captures my heart again with words of love . He touches me and I feel like someone in the desert thats gone without water for eons. At the very same hour the girl he left me for and had just left her for me is killed in a terrible car wreck. Gladness turns to sadness in the next days. He tells me to be there for him during this hard time, I am. So much sadness , I cry for her loss of life even though I never knew her. He doesnt shed a tear, how odd I thought. He comes to sleep in my arms late in the night, and asks me to hold him and take care of him. promising me he loves me and we will have a relationship, he tells me all the places we will go and things we will do. In the morning he leaves and I dont hear a word from him for days at a time. He doesnt keep one promise, not even going for morning coffee. A few weeks go by and hes around more, telling me I am his girl and calling me but yet he doesnt want to go anywhere with me, all kinds of excuses of being to busy. Then the whammy of him barging in my house and announcing I cant have any friends or talk to anyone on my cell. Screaming at me , calling me names , raging angry. After three years of silent waiting for the man I love this is what I get. So I end it right there and say NO MORE ! 7 more days I sit in silence and cry missing an illusion of a man that cannot love . What now ?

[fogbound]

What a painful story to read.

Nothing hurts as bad as the emotional betrayl and the hopes, dashed. We've all been through it in one form or another.

Please know we're here for you.

You must move on. I tell you this but I also say it for my own benefit. I've been through a decade of the BPD craziness you are experiencing and I've had enough.

Don't squander anymore of your life with him. There simply is no future in it.

[TonyC]

first im sorry to hear about the death...

second... in the three years... together... .how much did you give up... while waiting for a change...

you are there for the "hold mes" but he isnt there for you... .cause you probabaly hide what your feeling... so that you dont trigger him... .


you need to focus on yourself...

you cant fix him... .you can help yourself... .and make decisions... like is this want i want out of life... or do i want better...

and you know your heart can still love someone... .but it reaches a point where you brain... .overtakes and decides this is toxic...

[RealEyes]

They love pulling us back into creepville right after having sex with them ,accepting them back into our lives... .it never fails, always this drama after the love making, at least thats how its been for me with the XBPDbf. Stay strong, Sis, and maybe try to see that this man isn't meant for any sort of healthy r/s as i so now know my X can not have. Seeing it this way may help you in moving on with your life but at the same time seeing him as only a friend you once loved while making yourself available for a real healthy r/s.

take care

[lifeisgoodx10]

in the three years... together... .how much did you give up... while waiting for a change...

You cannot help him one bit by giving up your own life. Come back to yourself and look in a different direction.

I'm very sorry to hear of the death of the other woman.

[brenbabe]

Thank you all for your kind words  . I ended things with him permanently last sunday. There has been no contact from him and I have NO desire to have any contact with him in any way. I see now that he is a sick person that cannot love. Nothing will change that. I cannot exuse my part in things because if I didnt have issues I wouldnt have waited for him for three years , and when He came back I would have said " get lost ". But all I can work on is myself , atleast with me I know there is promise of improvment so the effort of taking care of me and my issues isnt futile. I am working with a very good T for the past three years, she is so helpful. I am stubborn and wouldnt listen to her about him being BPD. I had to see him rage before I accepted what the T said for so long. From what I read on these boards I am lucky I nipped it in the bud as soon as I did. Trying to take care of me now. I am lucky to have always had good friends and family to be there for me especially now. Tomorrow I have planned a dinner party to lift my spirits, lots of good food and good company. Its a beautiful crisp fall day here in Vermont, maybe a walk is in order. I havent cried today, wow making progress 

[2010]

There has been no contact from him and I have NO desire to have any contact with him in any way. I see now that he is a sick person that cannot love. Nothing will change that. I cannot exuse my part in things because if I didnt have issues I wouldnt have waited for him for three years , and when He came back I would have said " get lost ". But all I can work on is myself

Good for you!    I know it sounds terribly hard at this point, but there is no other way. You will have to face the pain that has been caused, and take a long hard look at the reality of this relationship. And then, after a while, and a lot of grief, you will heal.  First, you have to stop living with your false hopes that he’s “the one.” He’s not. One life has already learned this tragic lesson.

You say, “He doesn’t shed a tear.” Someone who psychologically wounds a romantic partner by leaving her for another woman and then the romantic partner tragically perishes- yet he has no remorse? Do you really want someone like that in your life?

You cannot sweep this behavior under the rug ( It is a huge red flag that he is an avoidant coward.)  And consider this: even if he’d SEE his own behavior and what he might have done to her, unless he acknowledges it and fixes it, he can always repeat the same behavior and do that to YOU. I am not sure you would want to live with this possibility.

It’s absolutely horrible what happened. And I dont care if he’s not in touch with his emotions, his failure to shed a tear, his behavior…  His behavior DOES NOT MATTER unless you recognize your own responsiveness to it.

What is it that you need from this non-caring person?  Why is it your choice to live with the consequences of his avoidance behavior- that a woman has died and no tears are shed.  Are you willing to overlook his lack of compassion?  And if so, are you thinking that you are the one he loves and he would certainly shed a tear for *you*?

For some unknown reason, he left her not an hour before the moment she died- and I’m certain they had been arguing- but like the coward he is, he had a back-up plan to see you, because he needed validation that he wasn’t a worthless sack of meat. So he drives right over to your house because he knows you’re going to give him the reward (attention) that he needs.  Is that because of true love? Meanwhile, she’s so distraught that she crashes her car. She was distraught, sad, anxious, in despair. Just like you were before he came to your door – but, She DIES.

This is a hideous thing to have to accept, but it is reality:  Your relationship was triangulated like most self absorbed personality disordered people love to do.  The more people the less likely they are to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong. What a mess.

You were used. She was used too. Both of you were used to offset each other. Your relationship was not real, and he is not real.  He is a big mess of mirroring, irrational thinking, projection, blaming, disordered thinking, lack of self, self-hatred, hatred of you, hatred of her, hatred and blame for everyone around him. The list is endless.

Listen, I know it FELT real - but it was not.  At some point you will see that and accept it for what it was, as incredibly painful as it is.  Please, do not end up dead for this Man like she did.

Three years ago, the person you “loved” walked out of your life and he probably did so for selfish reasons.  Was it for another woman? Was it for her?  And when he came back to you, it was also for selfish reasons. This time, the timing of his return coincided with her physical death. Take NOTICE. This could also be your outcome. And yes, I’m serious.

I’m certain this was after her spiritual death- similar to what is also going on with you. Fortunately, you’re not dead yet. Reality check: he doesn’t seem to care about the quality of your life- why should he care about quality of her death?

Do you really want someone like that in your life?

Stop being a convenience for him. He is using you. He is not suffering. You are.  He’s toxic.

You will never get to where you want in life if you are waiting for this cheap, plastic, mirrored imitation of a Soul. It’s your Soul that he mirrored. Get it back. Take it and fix your own house. Live in it well. Be accustomed to doing your own repairs. Take care of your own issues. Those are the holes in your bucket that need to be filled by yourself. Not someone who comes in and out of your life like a virus.

Eventually you will find a man with real emotions who loves you in the true sense of the word. Why jeopardize this for a poor imitation?  Especially one that you can't rely on for anything.  Any time spent being involved with this guy at any level is a set back and a waste of your precious life.  Your anxiety will always be on high because you never know where you stand.  His personality disorder demands your attention. Look away. Get away.

Your hope for reconciliation had nothing to do with whether or not this psycho is good for you, whether or not a relationship would work or whether or not you are meant to be together (newsflash: you’re NOT) You’re not going to magically transform into a couple who got along or belonged together. It has to do with your own spiritual wounding, your issues, your emotional upheaval that you just wanted STOPPED with the distraction of potential reconciliation.

Please don't waste your time.  No story with a Borderline ever has a happy ending, so get rid of the fantasy that he will come and rescue you from your own anxiety.  It's not going to happen.  They are the biggest cowards.  Find a way to journal your thoughts when they arise- over time you'll see what you really are searching for-what you *thought* was found within this person- is actually your own best qualities. Maybe then, with a little help and support, you'll see them- and perhaps you can then figure out a way to give them back to yourself instead of projecting them on to a personality disordered human substitute.  

[brenbabe]

No he didnt leave her or speak to her before she died. He had left her weeks earlier and moved in with his grandparents. She moved in with her parents . the parents said there were no calls to or from him on her cell the night the car accident happend. the police gave them the list of calls I guess. I talked to her parents. it did happen that the hour he contacted me she was killed. that is a total coincidence i think. odd but coincidence. I am not with him. Seven days ago at the first sign of rage, I ended it with him for good, he has not contacted me nor me him. He was physically abusing that girl, and her parents had tried numerous times they say to take legal action against the BPD, but the girl was not a minor and wouldnt follow through. I didnt know any of that until I spoke to her family. He had never raged at me  till last weekend, and he has never physically harmed me, so this poor beautiful girl an angel in heaven had it alot worse then I can imagine.

[brenbabe]

I want to clarify , she was hit by a drunk driver that went out of control and slammed head on into her car.

[swmdBPbfofuBPDgf]

2010... .easy tiger, easy now... .breathe... .breathe again... .and let's just take a big ole timeout and reorient ourselves please... .

I stumbled across a post of yours that resonated with me re many of my own beliefs about my ex... .so I read some more of your input and found you quite informed and passionate about wanting to help us fractured ones make sense of things that frankly just don't make any logical sense... .but if I may...

Your "message"  was getting lost in your method... .now your message is getting lost in what I find to be  highly irresponsible rushes to judgments and conclusions that are egregiously not sound in foundation. Concurrently, you are giving very biased unsolicited life changing life advice  to an extremely vulnerable group of people .

We are all dying to  have someone tell us what is going on... but that someone should be someone who knows us intimately and our situations thoroughly, and that person is not you...

I'm writing this to you publicly for I'm certain many are being influenced by how knowledgeable you are about PD's , but somehow the moderators are giving you a free pass on when reigning you in a little is what is called for...

If I  may proffer to you some completely unsolicited advice as a reader of these boards as to how to better present yourself... .

In your post above here is just a small sampling of many very extreme statements made that are a) vastly overstated and b)  just flat out wrong.

there is no other way.

yet he has no remorse

You cannot sweep this behavior

I know it FELT real - but it was not.

Talk about seeing everything as black and white... its very easy  using third person abstractions to make strong declarative statements... .but these are real people living through highly complex emotional situations that are no where near as cut and dry as you portray them... this is where nuance, finesse and bedside manner are crucial... Your pedantic professorial tone leaves one feeling lectured to or better yet, that you are not speaking to them but at them... which is further enhanced by your anonymity and the fact that of what I have read of yours, has had not one single self-reflective comment.

But boy are you quick to reflect outward

He’s not. One life has already learned this tragic lesson.

he is an avoidant coward.

What is it that you need from this non-caring person?

but like the coward he is,

He is using you. He is not suffering. You are.  He’s toxic.

whether or not this psycho is good for you,

waiting for this cheap, plastic, mirrored imitation of a Soul.

and on and on you go... Darn 2010, imagine what you would think of him if you actually  met him and knew what his name was?

What is most distressing about this portrayal is how off base you are about the basic facts of the situation... .there is no triangulation (read definition) here, he has been gone for three years, and he wasn't with the deceased an hour prior to her death (likely arguing)... .and on and on...

Not to pile on, but conclusions are reached by a process of one proven premise at a time... .The fact that you would draw such strong conclusions about a situation/person while hearing just one side of the story  on a message board from someone you likely don't know the first thing about, compounded by an extreme bias  you have against those with PD's (not that they don't deserve it, but we here on this board could keep a small  city of therapists employed for years to come too), and that you are applying very broad abstract strokes to an extremely complex disorder experienced very subjectively by those of us here, well, thats a long sentence,  but it does call your conclusions into question...

Which is frustrating, for your conclusions and advice are likely correct most often , but are too easy to discount by the methods upon you arrive at them... .All for  the best... .you have a passion to help which is obvious, just realize we are living life for real and not out of a textbook... .knowledge without wisdom is useless

[2010]

swmd... .If you have a problem with my post- contact me through pm or ask the moderators to contact me about it.

I'm sorry if my post to her upsets you- but at the moment she is afraid of her BPD boyfriend and needs support. If you had taken the time to read 6s posts, you'd see that she's in a crisis.  When there's a threat of domestic violence at stake, sometimes a strong opinion is needed.  I apologize if what I wrote seems callous to her boyfriend. My intent is to suggest that the only person who 6 can control is herself. Plain and simple, I am writing in 6's best interest- not in her abusive, raging, angry BPD boyfriend's interest.

As written:

"My recently exBPD boyfriend was going back and forth between me and another for a number of years. I also recently found out he was severly physically abusing her. her family had taken legal action against the BPD many times. Three years ago he returned to her. he walked out on me without a reason or a word. Not even a goodbye.

A month ago I got a call from him out of the blue, saying he wanted to see me and had left her to come to me. he told me the girl he had left me for and then left her to return to me was killed in a terrible car accident at the very time he called me the night before. yes i verified this was true.

At the very same hour the girl he left me for and had just left her for me is killed in a terrible car wreck

He doesnt shed a tear. the night before she was buried he came to me and was in a rage, screaming at me and demanding attention . for the first time i was actually scared of him. he kept screaming

I dont hear a word from him for days at a time. He doesnt keep one promise

he doesnt want to go anywhere with me. Then one night almost a week ago he barges in my house and starts raging at me, screaming at me that i cant have any friends or call anyone and that I am his and will do what he says, I had never seen him like this, calling me all kinds of names, very scarey.  Screaming at me , calling me names , raging angry.

I am scared to see him.

What now ?

6, I apologize for reading "At the very same hour the girl he left me for and had just left her for me is killed in a terrible car wreck" and getting the idea that he *had just* left her.  It is a broad brush- but that's a good thing. Eventually it gets whittled down to specifics. Keep posting and I'll try to get it right.  Take care and hope you feel better soon.

[brenbabe]

I was thinking about something. He had physically abused this girl and never me. Now that she is gone thats when he started raging at me for the first time. Do they transfer rage from one person to another not realizing its not the same person?  Or does it even matter? is it just who ever is close to them at the time ? I have re examined his rage incident and heres what I came up with :

the first time he raged : he had come over to my apartment , walked in the door and i was on my cell phone texting my best friend. he asked who are you talking too, thats not a guy is it?  I said no its my friend krystal, which it was . I do not have male friends and I was never involved with anyone but the BPD and he knows that. So all of a sudden he blows up at me saying " F YOUR FRIENDS" " GET OFF THAT PHONE NOW" " I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT US, YOU ARE NEVER TO DISCUSS US WITH YOUR FRIENDS" which I wasnt, he conjured that up in his own head. I didnt answer him . I stayed quiet. I was very scared of him for the first time ever.

Next day of a rage incident : he calls me and says : Ill bet you have plans today with your friend krystal. I said no she is busy. He says lets do laundry today together. I say what a great idea. He says I have some things to do then I will call you, I say ok. He calls me and talks all about things he would like to do, like going to the mountains to see the leaves change color and take me fishing. was actually a beautiful convo. he said he loved me several times and seemed to be in a great mood. he says ill be over soon I say ok. he calls me again and says hes here and not to bring my laundry down, hmm I thought odd but ok. so I go down get in the truck and he looks terrible and out of it, like hes on dope, which I noticed the night before also when he raged. I dont mean pot, cause he doesnt smoke. I mean like heavy stuff like coke heroin or oxys meth, not really sure which but he has a history of drug abuse with those things. anyway we start drivin and we see a car of a friend of mine, he says " isnt that your boyfriend" I was like no its not, thats my friend ashly's boyfriend. Then he loses it and says" ARENT YOU MISS OUTGOING WITH ALL THE FRIENDS" I didnt answer, he was very billigerent and yelling. So then he says " WE ARENT DOING LAUNDRY" so I said " huh?" and he flipped out and said " DONT YOU EVER SAY HUH TO ME" then i said just drop me off , Ill walk back home. he says no ill drive you. All the way home he raged at me , calling me names  and saying I was a drama queen, he even acused me of calling him retarded , which I said " i never called you that". It was like he was in a different world at that moment not in reality. thats when i said enough, its over. I didnt explain. just said" its over" and that was it. I ran in the house and he texted me , it was one word "SICKO" . I didnt respond and havent spoke to him since and I wont. its been one week today.

    I see that these rages started with him thinkin about me in relation to other men . not sure what thats about cause I am completely faithful and always have been. the thing he said about me calling him retarded is bugging me. could it be he is transfering stuff that happend with someone else onto me?

[2010]

Do they transfer rage from one person to another not realizing its not the same person?

 

Yes. Anyone can be a stand-in to receive misplaced rage, but they tend to find people with whom they can twist perceptions on.  They want you to be confused and fully invested in the fight.  The fight is really about mis-perception of reality that you are to blame for everything that's gone wrong in their life. If you are fully invested in the fight to redeem yourself in a disordered person's eyes- you are hooked, line and sinker into a never ending loop of blame. You will be projected on as an instigator and the cause of the problem and you will lose your mental and physical health.  This is known psychologically as a “transformation of transmutation of aggression.”  And it is a way for a Borderline to keep people off balance and away- so that the Borderline can isolate themselves as a victim.  The Borderline does not want the fight resolved. They want to be a victim and that means they need to keep blaming.  Blaming others prevents them from falling into a depressive state. This is why it is called a character disorder.

Or does it even matter?

Yes it matters. They choose soft targets.  

is it just who ever is close to them at the time ?

Yes and No. Depending on the severity of the rage and the awareness of the consequences.  They can read people quite well but they also choose people they can manipulate.

he blows up at me saying " F YOUR FRIENDS" " GET OFF THAT PHONE NOW" " I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT US, YOU ARE NEVER TO DISCUSS US WITH YOUR FRIENDS"

Paranoia and drugs go together. Borderline is a persecution complex. Again, it has nothing to do with you.

so I go down get in the truck and he looks terrible and out of it, like hes on dope, which I noticed the night before also when he raged. I dont mean pot, cause he doesnt smoke. I mean like heavy stuff like coke heroin or oxys meth, not really sure which but he has a history of drug abuse with those things.

Please dont get into his truck again. If you do decide to break contact- drive your own car and meet at a public place, but do not get in the truck and let him have control.  :)ont be in his truck while he's high behind the wheel.  (You can always drive your own car or bring along a friend if you need to talk to him.)

he flipped out and said " DONT YOU EVER SAY HUH TO ME" then i said just drop me off , Ill walk back home. he says no ill drive you. All the way home he raged at me , calling me names  and saying I was a drama queen, he even acused me of calling him retarded , which I said " i never called you that". It was like he was in a different world at that moment not in reality. thats when i said enough, its over. I didnt explain. just said" its over" and that was it. I ran in the house and he texted me , it was one word "SICKO" . I didnt respond and havent spoke to him since and I wont. its been one week today.

There are people in the world who rage against others. They do so in order to cleanse themselves from toxic emotions so they don’t fall into a depressive state.  Rather than imploding inward, they direct their rage outward in explosive venting (anyone who gets in their crosshairs is fair game.) That’s why the term walking on eggshells is an appropriate description of living with someone who is Borderline.  Much of the time it's like a walking around an active Volcano, you’ll never know when it (or they) are going to erupt. The best way to give him help is to allow him to suffer the consequences of his bad behavior. That means expecting yet not allowing yourself to be his scapegoat.  Expect the "sicko" text.  The only way you can turn this around is to not reply to it and also not take it personally- but also put your foot down and say, no more. When a cleansing rage is minimized, or swept under the rug- that means a green light for future abuse.  It gives him an O.K., because his behavior has no consequences.  If the behavior has no consequences, the behavior does not give the same high and it escalates. You have to nip that escalation in the bud- and the best way to do that is to say this behavior is bad enough for me to walk away from. This behavior is unacceptable and I am going to stop engaging in it.  Count the days if you have to. Sit on your hands. But try to let go of the outcome of disengaging- which is doubt and shame.  He needs to take care of himself and not blame anyone else- not her, her parents, not you =- no one.

You'll read about Borderline personality disorder and find that it is a persecution complex. It has nothing to do with you other than you playing a character part that's not you.  A scapegoat.  The only way to win is not to play the part of the scapegoat.

could it be he is transfering stuff that happend with someone else onto me?

Rageaholics rage to get at the people that they are *really* pissed off at- and those people aren’t even in the room. Those people could be deceased, but are still living inside the Borderline mind as persecutors.  These are the people who they *feel* have abandoned them, or tortured them or even maliciously attacked them from the past. This, they feel is a reason to sadistically attack anyone and everyone in the present- and they choose people who are kind hearted enough to come back again and again (people like you and me that the Borderline feels are representative of their own masochistic upbringing)  A Borderline doesn't think of themselves as a cruel sadist, they think of themselves as a victimized masochist- so you are effectively a stand-in for the borderline while they become their own sadistic parent. Unfortunately, the behavior of the Borderline follows this projected sadist/masochist cycle.  That's why this is a hidden disorder that comes out in wonky, shape shifting, disturbing behavior that breaks the heart of the people trying to help.

   www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shunning

[brenbabe]

2010,

Thank you so much for the above post  . Its day 9 and no contact. I am actually doing much better and still have no desire to speak with him.