Month 6: BPD d13 in residential treatment center

[peaceplease]

lbj,

How are you doing, today?  It does sound like you had a very busy day. 

It sounds like that your dd is in the perfect place for her. It sounds like the therapist is not too concerned about her label of sexual abuse.   Perhaps, you all needed a break from the sessions this week.  I am looking forward to read about the next session. 


peaceplease

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

family therapist session #19

session began with BPDd-13 talking more about training the new stallion at the residential treatment center "mijo" ( means my son).  the therapist used my BPDd-13's description of the "join up" as a way to talk about respect and boundaries and how they relate to our relationship.  BPDd-13 said "i can accept their boundaries, not be manipulative, see the good in their values.  BPDd-13 wanted to tell us how to help her not over react in an emotional way when we say "no" to a request...she had difficulty explaining to us what she means...her words were confusing.  she wanted us to respond with a statement like "i remember"... ?  we were quiet as we listened and tried to figure out what she meant...t said she was getting frustrated...encouraged her to keep talking and give us an example so that we could better understand her needs...what she was trying to say is for us to be more specific about our "no answers" as in "no, not right now...in a few minutes, no, not today..maybe tomorrow, no, that is not going to happen...ever,..."

we talked about the guidelines for the home visit in december...BPDd-13 stated she wanted to see some of her old friends that we approved of. therapist told her that her "little sister" (9 yr. old from next door) was ok but to limit the amount of time she spent with her, ok to see friends that are at church when you are, no other contact with other friends as this is time to be spent with your family.

dh brought up the computer...wanting the password from BPDd-13 to delete her ton of emails that have no doubt built up in her account...t asked BPDd-13 if she was willing to give it to dad...BPDd-13 said too complicated...many steps to get into her account... ? therapist suggested that when BPDd-13 is home for the dec. visit we sit down together as a family and clean out the email and facebook "crap"...BPDd-13 is not allowed on the computer unless mom or dad are RIGHT THERE with her.  then BPDd-13 asked if she could keep a few of the pictures of self that were posted on her facebook account.  t asked me what I thought of about that...i paused in order to choose my words carefully..."would you agree that the way we look on the outside tells the world around us who we are on the inside?" BPDd-13: "yeah" me: " how do you want the world to see you? who is BPDd-13?" BPDd-13: "i want people to see that I am a positive person who can accept them for who they are and still keep my boundaries".  t:  "why do you think your parents want you to clean up the internet stuff?" BPDd-13:  " because they care about me and want me to be safe.  they want to help me stay away from unhealthy stuff." t:  "last time we had to table this issue because there were lots of fireworks when we tried to discuss it.  there are no fireworks this time.  you have come a long way haven't you ?" BPDd-13: "yes.  i know that I deserve better than that (old way of being)".

we went on to talk about having a sense of entitlement and even when we start out well grounded it can be easy to fall back into that sense of entitlement when we are excited.  we also discussed expressing appreciation by saying "thank you" and "you are welcome" when appropriate.  t told BPDd-13 that her home visit is not a vacation...she needs to make it as much like it will be from day to day when she is home for good...doing chores, having responsibilities, etc..

we talked about respect.  t: "how do you get respect?" BPDd-13: "by giving it". t: "do you think  your parents like to nag you?" BPDd-13:"i used to but now I know better."  t talked about preparing a contract and working on that for the family therapist sessions until BPDd-13 comes home.

t brought up last weeks meltdown...BPDd-13 : " how did you fix it?" me: "i called nahli and told him what happened and asked him if he could help us figure it out.  he told me he would think about our session and speak with you.  i haven't heard anything back from him."

BPDd-13 :"i wanted accountability from you and dad." me:  "yes, I realize that and we would like to do that as well.  when we know what we did then we will be able to correct our mistake." t:  " you will need to work on that with nahli.  mom and dad are still up in the air on this. they need more information.  getting angry didn't help did it?  in the future when mom and dad ask  you to take a break and get into your Wise Mind will you listen?" BPDd-13: "yes. and I will do it".

i asked BPDd-13 how her request to go into the transitional unit came out. she said they all replied  "no" and I could hear the disappointment in her voice.  t told her that is typical...yet it is good to get the feedback in simple writing so that you can know what to work on so that your next request has a more favorable outcome.

we ended the session w/goodbyes and I love yous...talk to you on tues.

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

lbj - the contract for her home visit sounds like such a good idea - is this required anyway? I like how you stated this was not a vacation - practice for being back home for good.

So secretive about the internet stuff. And must be so frustrating for you and husband when she wants you to 'be accountable' about the previous meeting yet she cannot tell you directly what you have done 'wrong'. Do you think she is still looking for the words to express this - or resistant to saying to you - or testing to see if you can figure out how let her down in some way.

I know when things happened to me as an adolescent, part of what I wanted from my parents was for them to protect me without me having to say anything to them. Then again, seemed like times I really tried to communicate I needed help and they just sent me to school or changed the subject. You are trying really, really hard to hear what your d14 is saying to you - it is just not coming yet. Hope d14 can work thru this in her therapy.

Hang in there - you are doing such a good job with all this long distance stuff.

qcr   

[lbjnltx]

hi qcarol,

yes, the contract is mandatory for every girl at the residential treatment center before they go home...contracts have not worked well for us in the past...when I would remind my BPDd-13 of the contract and that she signed it and even helped write (some of them) it...in her anger she would just say "i lied". 

i hope this one is different...i think it will be 

Do you think she is still looking for the words to express this - or resistant to saying to you - or testing to see if you can figure out how let her down in some way.

i don't think she remembers what it was we said...she just remembers FEELING like we were "putting everything off on her"...she wants us to be accountable for that...still don't know what "that" is.  ?

perhaps we will be able to put a . at the end of this on tues. when we have our next Positive Peer Culture family therapist session.

the way I understand it...a person w/BPD, depression, negative self image runs everything through that filter...just because they feel a certain way does not mean their feelings are based on facts...if this is the case...i don't see a resolution to this...she wants more than validation...she wants us to hold our selves accountable...accountable for what exactly ... that is the root of the problem...this may be something we have to just let go of and hope that BPDd-13 can do the same.

lbjnltx

[melissa207]

hi lbj

wondering how your family session went this week and how your BPDd-13 is doing

hope you are well

thinking of you

mel

[lbjnltx]

thank you melissa for thinking of our family. 

scheduling of therapy lately has been inconsistent...Positive Peer Culture rescheduled, then cancelled because BPDd-13 had a dr. apptmt...Positive Peer Culture has been rescheduled for tuesday.

yesterday we had family therapy session #20

BPDd-13 was excited to tell us that she and the equine specialist put a saddle and bit on mijo...her new and 2nd project horse.  the equine specialist is training her first project horse little doc to be a roping horse and BPDd-13 drove the golf cart pulling the fake steer behind it for him to practice on.  therapist said she spoke w/the equine therapist about BPDd-13 and was told "she is doing fabulous in equine therapy".

t relayed the information from other staff that BPDd-13 had twice recently failed to control her emotions in 2 different situations because she failed to remember her coping skills. she asked BPDd-13 to tell us about one of those situations.

BPDd-13:  I asked anna if we could get our mail after lunch.  she replied "ok! that's it! everyone will have to wait until after dinner to get mail now!" I didn't know it but I was the 3rd person to ask.  I didn't hear the first person ask because she asked while we were in line to get our food and I was at the other end of the line.  the 2nd person asked at the table I think but I was in the restroom.  I started to cry because I thought it was all my fault and everyone was being punished because of me.  anna tried to talk to me but she was very stern and that caused me to feel even worse.  it reminded me of when my mom would tell me no at home because she wouldn't give me an explanation and I didn't understand why the answer was no.

t:  what would have helped calm you down quicker?

BPDd-13: if she had been gentle and calm when she spoke w/me while I was upset.  if she had explained and I understood I might not have had a melt down.

me: it sounds like you were treated unfairly.  when we feel we are treated unfairly it can really make us angry.  I can see why you would be so upset.  in this world we are often treated unfairly.  it is how we react to it that is most important. before you went to  falcon ridge when dad or I tried to explain something you refused to listen.  now that you have your skills you would like for us to say "i'm going to explain this to you".  I am going to try really hard to remember to use this phrase.

BPDd-13:  thank you.

me:  would it help when you are upset to remind you that "this is just temporary and reassure you that it will be ok"? 

BPDd-13: yes.  I think it will help me.

me:  and I am also supposed to remind you to use your visualization skills and get into your Wise Mind.

BPDd-13:  I need to ask myself "did I really do all of this or is this me over reacting?"  I need to be self aware and use positive self talk when I get upset.

t:  mom and dad can also say "i see this means a lot to you.  we will talk about it again when you are not angry."  if these incidents are not handled appropriately they have a tendency to happen more frequently.

during family therapy recently we had to stop the call because you had a melt down.  you were saying that your parents were not listening but they were.  they were trying to understand and you were having difficulty expressing your thoughts in a way they could understand.  the more frustrated you became the quicker and more shallow your breaths became which restricts oxygen flow to your brain.  if your brain isn't getting enough oxygen it will not function properly.  that is why I ask you to take deep breaths.  what would you do if you were to begin to have a melt down while you and mom were at the store?

BPDd-13:  I wouldn't do it at the store.  I would table it until we got home.

t:  if you can table it at the store why could you not table it at home?

BPD 14: because I would not want people to think I don't love my mom or that my mom doesn't love me.

dh:  what if you want to do something and we aren't sure about it?

BPDd-13:  I would get the details upfront and if there is no supervision I could try to find some.  maybe stepdaughter (21) or 1/2 brother or maybe one of you guys.

dh:  you are getting older now and we are going to depend on you to help us make wise choices for you.

BPDd-13:  ok.  I can do that.

dh:  when you get into school here there will be lots of sports that you will be required to play.

t:  BPDd-13 is smiling...she is happy about that.

me:  I would like to you to give some thought to making a list of priorities for yourself.  you can think about this a while and then we can talk about it.  you don't have to answer now.

BPDd-13:  my first priority would be family which would include extended family and pets.

me:  what would #2 be?

BPDd-13:  probably the Positive Peer Culture group I want to start.  then school and homework then sports.

me:  where is BPDd-13 in this list of priorities?

BPDd-13:  in all of them.

t:  all of these are good priorities and important to you and your life.  what your mom is trying to get you to realize is that you will be very busy and it is important to take care of yourself and make yourself a priority.  taking good care of your physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health needs must be a priority.  becoming overwhelmed and stressed can jeopardize you.  what could you say to mom to let  her know that you are becoming stressed?

BPDd-13:  I can just let her know I guess.

me:  if you have your priorities written down in the order of importance it will be easier to figure out quite quickly where to begin to cut back even if it is only temporary.

t:  next week we will work on the home visit contract.  responsibilities, rules, privileges and consequences are in the contract.  all of these are priorities for clear understanding.  BPDd-13 is making great progress.

me:  keep up the good work.  we are having company this week.  I have finished your rooms and hope you like them.  would it be ok w/you for your stepdaughter (21) and her friend to stay in your room over the holiday?

BPDd-13:  yes. that's fine.  thank  you for asking.

me:  you are welcome.  I hope you have a great weekend and I love you.

dh:  I am proud of you.  I love you so much.

we said our goodbyes.

next family therapist session is monday due to the holiday and the rescheduled Positive Peer Culture therapy.

thanks for traveling with me on this journey.

lbjnltx

[americanbelle]

What a wonderful session you had.  Your DD has made so much progress.  I am so happy that she has really listened to what she is being taught.  I am looking forward to her visit home and hope that it will be awesome.

[peaceplease]

lbj,

It sounds like your dd is making remarkable progress.  It really is uplifting to read about the journey in her residential treatment center treatment. 

Can you refresh my memory and tell me what Positive Peer Culture stands for? 

Thanks again for sharing.

Peaceplease

[lbjnltx]

Positive Peer Culture  positive peer culture

[qcarolr]

lbj - such a positive session. lots of work on your d's part here. working with the equine therapy is such a gift for her. You did a great job in finding this residential treatment center for her, and making the continuing sacrifices by your and dh.

Thank you so much for sharing your journey.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Family T Session #21

started the session by asking BPDd-13 how her weekend went.  she seemed agitated and said "didn't get to do anything", "staff said we could decide and then didn't let  us decided." therapist asked her how she handled that.  BPDd-13: "took no for an answer I guess."  therapist said how did you cope? BPDd-13: "ok I guess."  t:  what skills could you use in the future?  BPDd-13:  "i could call them out on it by reminding them of what they said.  I could tell them how I feel about it in a respectful way.  because I didn't get to do anything that required much energy I had a hard time going to sleep and woke up early so now I am tired."

i asked her how she was going to prepare herself for having to meet what was required of her throughout the day when she is already tired.  BPDd-13:  "go to equine.  that energizes me and wakes me up."

t:  what else might you do? BPDd-13: "rest some.  take some time to go to self.  I could write in my journal and tell my peers how I am feeling. I can try to stay in my Wise Mind and use visualization if I need to."

t:  so this requires planning ahead?  BPDd-13: "yeah".

next we talked about the home contract.  BPDd-13 did not bring what she had written down w/her to the meeting so she listed what she remembered.

Responsibilities

animals:  play with, feed/water, training her horse

self:        eat healthy, respect myself

home:     keep my room clean

others:    respect

education: get myself up and ready for school

i asked her how I could assist her in meeting her responsibilities...long pause...t:  mom wants to know how much  input you would like from her...before you felt like your parents nagged you.  BPDd-13: " well.  if you could just remind me." t:  having a family meeting on sundays can help everyone understand the upcoming schedule and responsibilities for the week.  how does that sound mom and dad?  husband and i:  sounds good.  t: writing things on a list on the fridge can be helpful too.  me:  would you like a calendar like I have on the wall? BPDd-13: "not big enough I don't think."  me:  how about a desk top calendar for your room?  BPDd-13:  "yeah that would work" me:  so we can look at it before bed and keep ourselves on schedule and know what tomorrow will bring to some degree. 

t:  the contract is a work in progress.  BPDd-13 will need to go by the contract on her home visit in dec..

me:  last week we talked about priorities and order of importance.  we have not discussed your continued therapy when you come home from falcon ridge.  where would weekly therapy be on the priority list?  how do you feel about continuing your therapy when  you get home?

BPDd-13:  "i think it is a good idea".

t:  last week we talked about having self at the top of the list.  self care does not mean selfish.  list your priorities from memory as best you can.

BPDd-13:  self, family, pets, school, sports, Positive Peer Culture group, friends

me:  where would therapy be on the priority list?

BPDd-13:  that is the same as self.

me:  if you think about each of these they all enrich our lives and help us grow and add to our happiness.  participating in and completing assignments for therapy needs it's own place on the priority list.  being specific can help us in times of stress know what to do and what to suspend as far as how we use our time.  sometimes we don't have enough hours in the day to meet all of our own expectations and those that others have for us. 

BPDd-13:  well I guess it would need to be second because it is important for me to go to therapy.

t:  I noticed that you put friends last on the list.  this is very different than when you first got here.  why were friends moved from first on the list to last on the list of priorities? 

BPDd-13:  "i thought they were the only ones who really cared about me and understood me."

t:  so you realize that was not so.  they were often a negative influence on you weren't they?

BPDd-13: "yeah"

t:  anything else that you can think of right now for the priorities list mom and dad?

me:  I noticed that church is not on your list of priorities. 

BPDd-13:  "well I like going to church and teaching the little kids.  I can still have a strong relationship w/God and not go to church all the time."

t:  what are your priorities mom and dad.

me:  my list of priorities is very short.  God self others.

dh:  mine is God and family then everything else.

t:  it is important to understand your family values and how they have helped mom and dad be successful.  being organized and setting priorities can help.  why?

BPDd-13: "because life can get hectic really fast sometimes."

t:  lets list some of the privileges that you would like to earn.

BPDd-13:  cell phone, computer time, video games, time w/friends, sports, tv, going places, earning some money for doing chores.

t:  since she is going to a new school it would be wise to have new friends visit at your house until mom and dad get to know them and their families.  for the dec. visit there are to be no friends over except the little girl from next door and that is to be limited.  ok?

BPDd-13:  "ok"

t:  mom and dad I want you to think about how she can earn these privileges and what that will look like.  we will work on this again on our next family therapy session dec. 2.

we said our good byes and look forward to having Positive Peer Culture family therapy tomorrow.

thanks for traveling this road with me.  I believe it is leading us where we need to go.

lbjnltx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

lbj - reading this today it really struck me how much work YOU are putting into your D at the residential treatment center. There seems to be a call 3-4 times a week that you need to prepare for. This is such a positive way to do this - to keep in an ongoing relationship with your D from such a long distance.

Thanks for sharing with us.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

we have family therapy once a week and Positive Peer Culture family therapy every other week along with a social call once per week...the therapy sessions have gotten off schedule due to illnesses and absence of the t's and twice because my BPDd-13 was off campus.  there is also the occasional private call w/therapists, case manager, and pdoc.

still I read and research and continue to think outside the box for ways to continue to help my cherished daughter.  I will not just accept someones' opinion...that is all it is...one person's opinion.  I encourage all moms to think independently for yourself and  your children.  if I had listened to the first therapist I saw I would still believe my daughter would just "grow out of it".  if I listened to the first pdoc I talked to about my d12...there would never have been any meds to help her through the hardest times.  those meds very well may have kept her alive...if I listened to even the majority of people who have had experience w/pwBPD I would not have sent my BPDd-13 to the residential treatment center because they are of the opinion that it won't do any good unless they are willing to go and work on themselves...my d was not willing and had refused to work on self for over 2 years...ask yourselves moms...what will get their attention...and what can we do once we have her attention and she becomes motivated to work on herself.  be prepared for that day. 

i pray for each of you daily and your precious children.  I hope that each of you will one day experience healing and progress in your children.  there are many here who have.  hikchic, tammy, vivgood, and others with BPDso and spouses.  there is hope and there is healing...keeping site of the good things is so very important during the hard times lest we engage in black and white thinking too.  take good care of  yourself qcarol...your precious little gdaughter needs you to be healthy, strong and well grounded to help  her maneuver through what is often a tough and ugly world.


lbjnltx

[lbjnltx]

today we had our Positive Peer Culture therapy on " don't change the world"...basically it is a very short tale about a frog/king who has soar feet from walking throughout his kingdom...he decides that all the roads should be covered in leather to prevent further pain...one brave servant suggests that he not slaughter all the cows in the kingdom and spend so much $ and labor...and cut a small piece of leather and make himself some "shoes".

q#1.  what life lesson can be learned from this story? 

dh,me:  change should begin with self, allow others to help  you,

             expecting change in others for your happiness will end in

            disappointment

BPDd-13:  work smarter not harder...don't take the easy way.

nahli:  if you want to work smarter is it beneficial to focus on honesty?

BPDd-13:  yes because I get help when I am honest with my group.  I can

            ask for what I need when I am honest.

q#2. why is it often impractical to expect others to change instead of

        you?

BPDd-13: because we don't want to look at our own problems.

nahli:  why should mom change and not you? 

BPDd-13:  I was entitled.  I thought that if mom did or acted like I wanted

           her too that I would be happy and that I was right and she was

           wrong.  but really I was just digging a deeper whole for myself.

nahli:  you were really caught up in being accepted and being loyal to]

          peers and going against mom and dad. 

BPDd-13:  I was fixed on that mom and dad wanted me to be unhappy,my

           friends would give me the love that my parents didn't.

nahli:  what was driving this misconception in  you?

BPDd-13:  low self image and being easily mislead.

nahli:  do you think some of your peers used you?

BPDd-13:  yeah.  that isn't going to happen again as long as I keep

           myself safe.

nahli:  were you out of control?

BPDd-13:  yeah.

nahli:  so when you were out of control your parents would exert more

          control to try to keep you safe right?

BPDd-13:  yeah.  we worked this out in family therapy though...about

          we can communicate as a family to help me stay calm when I

          am told no.

dh,i:  we don't have the power to control or change others.  asking

         others to do what we are not willing to do ourselves is selfish.

q#3.  in what ways can you make changes in yourself instead of

         expecting others to make concessions for you?

dh,i:  accept and take responsibility for our own faults and do the work

         necessary to improve self.  accept others as they are without

         owning their guilt or problems.  don't expect others to meet your

         expectations or standards..especially if they are unrealistic.  do

         not judge or evaluate others.

BPDd-13:  help yourself by putting yourself first ... don't be lazy.

nahli:  so being honest and doing  your part first.?

BPDd-13:  yeah.  it is always my goal to help others but I have to help

           myself first.  then I can be  affective in helping them.  I used to

           believe that if I need help then I can't be the person others can

           lean on.

nahli:  how do you become a good leader?

BPDd-13:  listen and offer help.

nahli:  why didn't the frog king ask others for their help or ideas?  what

          did it take for the servant to speak up with his idea?  courage.

          we have to have the courage to talk about difficult things.

me:  before BPDd-13 went to falcon ridge she would not listen or accept

        what I said.  she would tell me that I didn't love her.  no matter

        how hard I tried to convince her she would not believe me. why?

nahli:  if you were honest and courageous you could have said "mom,

         sometimes I feel like you hate me".  why did you think that?

BPDd-13:  i had a fear of getting to close to my mom and

          having her push me away.now I think we are on the

          right path.  now we can have a friendship/respect filled relation-

          ship.

nahli:  if we follow these steps we learned from the story we will learn

          how to work on ourselves.

next Positive Peer Culture session in 2 weeks.

glad to hear that my BPDd-13 has gotten to the root of the problem!

when dark secrets are exposed to the light they lose their power and can be overcome through hard work and love.

happy thanksgiving everyone.. ..thankful for His mercy and grace, His constant guidance and presence in my life/heart. thankful for His healing and His miracles...thankful for eternal life in peace.



lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

i pray for each of you daily and your precious children.  I hope that each of you will one day experience healing and progress in your children.  there are many here who have.  hikchic, tammy, vivgood, and others with BPDso and spouses.  there is hope and there is healing...keeping site of the good things is so very important during the hard times lest we engage in black and white thinking too.  take good care of  yourself qcarol...your precious little gdaughter needs you to be healthy, strong and well grounded to help  her maneuver through what is often a tough and ugly world.


lbjnltx

lbj - this is what I so love about you - giving hope. Thanks qcr

[qcarolr]

lbj - I want to print out the Positive Peer Culture session you just posted and make it a story I can send to my DD24. wonder how she would respond. These are so close to the questions/issues she brings up with me, that t's have brought to me over the years, that I know I was in denial about working on much of the time, and DD refuses to work on much of the time. You give me hope to not just sit back and let go of encouraging my DD to make different choices if she wants different outcomes. In fact, she seems to be making some new choices - I will be posting my own update and look forward to you reply.

As Always - thanks for sharing,

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

thanks qcarol 

it is such a short little story...would you like me to post the story here?

or would it be easier for me to pm it to you?

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

lbj - post the story here. I think it could be helpful in a lot of our bpdfamily.com families situations.

Thanks, qcr

[peaceplease]

lbj,

As always, I am grateful for your positive posts.  It is so hopeful.  I wish that my dd was an adolescent that I could get her into an residential treatment center treatment.  But, it's very nice to read about all of the one's who are being helped.  I believe that your dd has a bright future and a happy life ahead of her. 

Thanks for sharing.

peaceplease

[lbjnltx]

                           Don't Change The World

                       by Author Unknown, The Prayer of the Frog

Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a prosperous country.

One day, he went for a trip to some distant areas of his country.  When he was back to his palace, he complained that his feet were very painful, because it was the first time that he went for such a long trip, and the road that he went through was very rough and stony. He then ordered his people to cover every road of the entire country with leather.  Definitely, this would need thousands of cows' skin, and would cost a huge amount of money.

Then one of his wise servants dared himself to tell the king, "Why do you have to spend that unnecessary amount of money?  Why don't you just cut a little piece of leather to cover your feet?"

The king was surprised, but he later agreed to his suggestion, to make a "shoe" for himself.

There is actually a valuable lesson of life in this story:  to make this world a happy place to live, you better change yourself-your heart; and not the world.

[lbjnltx]

As always, I am grateful for your positive posts.  It is so hopeful.  I wish that my dd was an adolescent that I could get her into an residential treatment center treatment.  But, it's very nice to read about all of the one's who are being helped.  I believe that your dd has a bright future and a happy life ahead of her.

my pleasure!

lbjnltx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

this will be the last  update on this thread as tomorrow we begin month 7 at the residential treatment center.

had a social call from BPDd-13 on thanksgiving day.  she has been so very sick.  upset stomach for 3 days.  we had just finished the prayer for the meal and people were getting their plates to take over to the buffet when she called.  I put her on speaker phone and everyone said "hello, happy thanksgiving, and we love you lots".  I allowed her to speak to her stepdaughter (21)ter and then she gave the phone to dh.  I didn't get to say goodbye to her that day.

so today we had our regularly scheduled social call.  she is feeling much better and beginning to get her appetite back.  she asked how her bipolar cousin is doing...told her idk...he never returns grammi and pawpaws' calls or mine/dh...he is lost right now.  she says "i know", "i wrote him a letter.  do you think  you can get it to him?"  I replied "i can try.  we must be careful not to invite in what we cannot handle.  do you think you are strong enough to influence him positively without him influencing  you negatively?  she asked "does that mean that I can't talk to him?" I replied "i think the letter is a good start.  we will see how or if he responds to it."  she said she wrote him that he is heading down the wrong path and that he is messing up and nothing good will come of it...

i asked her to be thinking about what she wants to do during her home visit.  she said "i am going to see if I can bring home some of my school work so I can be caught up when I get back.  that is if I am not caught up already by the time family weekend gets here.  then I can apply for trans again."  say what?   she is wanting to do school work on her home visit?  who is this alien?   wonders never cease!


lbjnltx

[peaceplease]

  .  Sounds good!


peaceplease

[misfit101]

I have read this thread and not responded b/c it's way over my head..though I have appreciated your sharing and the insights SO MUCH.

AND...YAY! She's wanting to do her schoolwork! Progress!   

[lbjnltx]

so sorry misfit...is it the abbreviations that are confusing to you?

if so here is some info.

residential treatment center  residential treatment center

Positive Peer Culture positive peer culture...the group therapy model used at the residential treatment center

nahli  name of the Positive Peer Culture therapist

dh/i  dear husband and i

t     therapist/lorneta (BPD 14's individual therapist)

equine  horse therapy


it is kind of hard to get the feel of the residential treatment center experience if you come in on the later months I guess.  if you would like to read further back there are posts for each of the previous months on this board...pages 3, 4, etc...it is hard to believe it has been 7 months since I left my little girl in utah in the hands of these wonderful people who care so much about her and all the girls.  at the graduation in sept.  each of the grads had a counselor or staff member they were exceptionally close to speak about them and give them their diploma...only one of the 8 didn't cry when they spoke about their special girl...and it was a male counselor.

if there is anything I can help clarify I will be happy to...if it will help anyone in anyway.

lbjnltx

[misfit101]

 I've caught on to the abbreviations..it's understanding the dialogue during the sessions that I have to re-read several times. Sometimes. I've never been in therapy, so I'm trying to understand the validating of her feelings and how you progress from there. It has been an eye opener for me, I can tell you that. It's not that I don't understand what is said, more of how you manage to think of what to say when you're validating. Did that make sense? You get your D to think.

This really does sound like a wonderful place!

[lbjnltx]

dear misfit,

validation does take practice.  I tell myself before the call over and over and over...validate validate validate.  it must be at the forefront of my mind so that I lead with it no matter what.  I have the fortunate advantage that I know way ahead of time that the call is going to come and I will be engaging in a conversation w/my BPDd-13.

before my d went to the residential treatment center I used validation a lot too.  while my d was obviously moving in a negative direction...as I listened to her I told myself validate validate! it didn't work nearly as well at home as it does now...of course she has grown and learned a great deal in the last 6 months.  have you gotten your book "i don't have to make everything all better yet?"  it will help you i'm sure.

lbjnltx

[pennifree]

dear lbj.

So thankful you and your entire family that your precious D has been learning so much and doing so well.  I know that this has been a huge sacrifice in so many ways, but obviously you have been reaping so many rewards.

It is so wonderful to see the changes in thinking patterns, attitude and outlook.  Wow, what a difference these past 6 months have made.

Thanks for sharing this slice of your life. 

Take care,

pennifree   

[js friend]

So glad that your d is doing so well at residential treatment center.There really seems to be some great improvement.

4:

  I had a fear of getting to close to my mom and

          having her push me away.now I think we are on the

          right path.  now we can have a friendship/respect filled relation-

          ship.

I loved this part.