When to start dating again?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

OK.  Gut check.  I'd appreciate your direct, honest feedback on this one.  Something I've been thinking over.

I've been separated from my ex. for over a month and a half now.  When the ex. gave me the big push-pull I thought things over for a while, and decided that enough was enough.  It was really difficult at first.  I had a few really low weeks, and had ups and downs since then about how I felt about the whole thing.  It's been tough to get through it, but where I'm at now, I feel like I'm at peace with my decision to leave the r/s.  Things are over.  Sad to realize what the real dynamics of the r/s was, but I hope to learn from it all.  I know there is some work I need to do around choices I made, and how I got into that r/s.  I don't think I'm completely healed from the whole experience, but I know that I am moving on. 

So this weekend I ran into someone I knew, and liked, from before my last r/s.  We had a nice chat, and I thought about asking her out for a date.  I'm not looking for another long term relationship yet, but I thought it might be nice to go hang out and do something together. 

Then I doubted myself a little after all I've been through.  Is it too soon?  This whole last relationship has made me doubt my past relationship choices.  I even wondered, does this make me BPD-ish to be considering going out on a date with someone so soon after leaving a long term relationship?

What do you think?  If you are already dating again after your BPD ex., how long did you wait? What did it take before you felt you were ready to date again?

[Foggy]

OK.  Gut check.  I'd appreciate your direct, honest feedback on this one.  Something I've been thinking over.

I've been separated from my ex. for over a month and a half now.  When the ex. gave me the big push-pull I thought things over for a while, and decided that enough was enough.  It was really difficult at first.  I had a few really low weeks, and had ups and downs since then about how I felt about the whole thing.  It's been tough to get through it, but where I'm at now, I feel like I'm at peace with my decision to leave the r/s.  Things are over.  Sad to realize what the real dynamics of the r/s was, but I hope to learn from it all.  I know there is some work I need to do around choices I made, and how I got into that r/s.  I don't think I'm completely healed from the whole experience, but I know that I am moving on. 

So this weekend I ran into someone I knew, and liked, from before my last r/s.  We had a nice chat, and I thought about asking her out for a date.  I'm not looking for another long term relationship yet, but I thought it might be nice to go hang out and do something together. 

Then I doubted myself a little after all I've been through.  Is it too soon?  This whole last relationship has made me doubt my past relationship choices.  I even wondered, does this make me BPD-ish to be considering going out on a date with someone so soon after leaving a long term relationship?

What do you think?  If you are already dating again after your BPD ex., how long did you wait? What did it take before you felt you were ready to date again?

[2010]

I even wondered, does this make me BPD-ish to be considering going out on a date with someone so soon after leaving a long term relationship?

To be honest with you, you'd have to be honest with me. Are you through with your ex? In your post you say you are "separated."

Go onto any dating site and see people who are "currently separated" in their profiles. These are people that haven't quite made up their minds about getting divorced- and instead choose to "rummage" through other people's lives while they figure things out and put the ex on the back burner. In the meantime, the people they date may become triangulated.  It's now three people in an ongoing battle of clinging/distancing behaviors between two people that aren't quite finished with one another. And because two people aren't finished with one another, they engage in reward/withdraw behaviors, leaving the third person on the triangle to get pulled into the mix as a rewarding object that creates withdrawal for one partner- that third person is now being used, either as a hapless bystander or a fully engaged attacker against the ex. Either way, it's exactly what most of the people on the board have had to deal with when finding out that there partner is still seeing their ex or has moved on without their knowledge to a new rewarding object.

If you can consider this past relationship of yours officially dead. If you've determined what your Achilles heel was -and why you were so drawn to this disordered dynamic, if you can safely say you understand what happened and why and what your part was in it all - then you are ready for a new, rich and healthy relationship.  One where you can see your behavior, and others behavior as well. Determine what is healthy, recognize red flags, discuss them with your new partner and failing to come to an agreement together, put boundaries in place and walk away for a healthier life.  

If instead, you cannot do that- and are seeking another representation of a rewarding object in the form of a different human being than yourself- one that supports your idea of yourself as good- rather than allowing yourself to feel separate and alone- then you are using another to make yourself feel better- and that's how you got here in the first place.

[Foggy]

We parted, and the relationship subsequently ended.  It's over, and I've been NC since. 

I can't say I've worked out my Achilles heel yet.  I haven't figured out all the reasons I got into my past relationship, why I ignored or missed red flags, etc. 

I know there's things I need to do here, but I'm not sure how to start working out all of the above.   

[PADriver]

Go onto any dating site and see people who are "currently separated" in their profiles. These are people that haven't quite made up their minds about getting divorced- and instead choose to "rummage" through other people's lives while they figure things out and put the ex on the back burner.

Wow, that's really harsh and generally inaccurate.  I consider myself to be "currently separated" but only because my divorce isn't totally complete yet.  We've been separated since mid-July and the papers are in the works, so I can safely say it is over. I'm just "technically" not divorced yet.

To the original poster, only you will know when it's the right time to date again.  A month and a half seems kind of soon to me, but I don't know your full situation.

[Mystic]

Go onto any dating site and see people who are "currently separated" in their profiles. These are people that haven't quite made up their minds about getting divorced- and instead choose to "rummage" through other people's lives while they figure things out and put the ex on the back burner. In the meantime, the people they date may become triangulated.  It's now three people in an ongoing battle of clinging/distancing behaviors between two people that aren't quite finished with one another. And because two people aren't finished with one another, they engage in reward/withdraw behaviors, leaving the third person on the triangle to get pulled into the mix as a rewarding object that creates withdrawal for one partner- that third person is now being used, either as a hapless bystander or a fully engaged attacker against the ex. Either way, it's exactly what most of the people on the board have had to deal with when finding out that there partner is still seeing their ex or has moved on without their knowledge to a new rewarding object.

Yep.  Welcome to my (former) nightmare.  My exbf swore up and down that it was over with his (psycho) ex gf.  Uh, not by a longshot.  Made my life a nightmare with their sick chaos. 

I'll be watching *very* carefully in any future dating to make sure that anyone I'm seeing is not still attached *in any way* elsewhere... .not emotionally, not legally, nothin'.  I would not date anyone "currently separated" even with divorce in the works, nor do I really want to be anyone's first date out of the gate after divorce.  BTDT, and it's not generally a good thing.  That might be considered harsh by some, I consider it self preservation.  And I'm in that place now. 

[Crystal Ball]

Go onto any dating site and see people who are "currently separated" in their profiles. These are people that haven't quite made up their minds about getting divorced- and instead choose to "rummage" through other people's lives while they figure things out and put the ex on the back burner.

Wow, that's really harsh and generally inaccurate.  I consider myself to be "currently separated" but only because my divorce isn't totally complete yet.  We've been separated since mid-July and the papers are in the works, so I can safely say it is over. I'm just "technically" not divorced yet.

Sorry PADriver ~ I believe you are one of the exceptions to the general rule.  From my experience 2010 is correct for the bulk of the "currently separated" on dating sites.  The majority of the 'separated' men I met were married men cheating on their wives.  Amazingly enough, most of the admitted it on our first meeting (or sometimes even before) ~ of course with a few tricky questions where their responses don't add up.   

Foggy ~ for many just because you are separated and NC doesn't mean the relationship is over.  You could still be emotionally attached (the reason for the debate on 'currently separated'.  You say you are over her, but you still have some work to do on yourself.  It makes sense to get your self straightened out before entering a new relationship.  It'll be better for you and better for your new partner.   x   

[anker]

Ive had two relationships with pds. The first I was with for a couple yeas and it took me a year roundabouts to feel ready.the other I was only with for six months but it took me six months to start dating and I now feel maybe I should have waited a bit longer. I was still kind of raw.

Its been a year now; I've dated a bit and just this month went on the first "repeat date"

In other words I dated but didn't date somebody. If yougetmy gist. Til now.

[anker]

Also... .here's the real question.

Are you available? Or are your emotions still wrapped up with the last relationship?

I only date people who are publicly SINGLE and legally so. If you're not single, you're not really available for a real partnership with another, are you?

[Foggy]

Foggy ~ for many just because you are separated and NC doesn't mean the relationship is over.  You could still be emotionally attached (the reason for the debate on 'currently separated'.  You say you are over her, but you still have some work to do on yourself.  It makes sense to get your self straightened out before entering a new relationship.  It'll be better for you and better for your new partner.   x   

Hey, Crystal. 

"Separated" might have been a poor choice of words on my part given my situation.  I intended to communicate that there were stages to the relationship ending.  This was just to try and provide timing.  It's been over a month and a half.  Part of that was her pushing me away, trying to pull me back, and then me trying to figure out what I wanted to do.  We've been apart the whole time, and officially ended somewhere early in that time frame.  So in my case, it is over.  Permanently. 

It's too soon for me to start dating seriously again.  I know that.  I'm also concluding maybe I'm not even the best company to keep right now just for a coffee, given what I've been through.  It was nice to meet this old friend who seemed interested in me, but it probably isn't fair for me to ask someone out yet, even just to hang out, if I don't have my house completely in order yet. 

Part of my original post was directed to other peoples experiences, because I'm wondering how long it's going to take to move on from this past r/s and work through some personal issues.  For previous long term r/s I've been in, sometimes it's been months or years before I dated again.  That was just getting through the aftermath of the r/s.  With this last r/s, I'm recognizing there are some patterns, and some things I need to work on myself.  I'm a little discouraged, because not only do I not know how long this self work takes, but I'm not sure how to identify and address all the things I need to do. 

[PADriver]

Also... .here's the real question.

Are you available? Or are your emotions still wrapped up with the last relationship?

I only date people who are publicly SINGLE and legally so. If you're not single, you're not really available for a real partnership with another, are you?

Wow, I've been blasted for my statement.Fair enough, a lot of us on this board have been seriously hurt in the past so a fair amount of caution seems appropriate.  For the record, I've been separated for 4 months now (exactly today) and I am not dating yet.  Not really even considering it.  This is not because I am still emotionally attached, not sure I even have been emotionally attached for the past several years as the marriage was dead long ago.  But I am enjoying being free and I just plain don't want a relationship at the moment.

Just as important, though, I would be legally single right now if she would just sign the papers or at least respond to them, but I have no control over what she does or doesn't do.  In just 9 days, if she doesn't sign or respond to them, I will be able to move for a default judgment, which I have already instructed my lawyer to do.  The point being, it would be legal if it was solely up to me.

On the other hand, I have to be honest with myself, too.  I have a history of being a rescuer, ignoring red flags, getting myself into bad situations, and generally picking the wrong women.  Bottom line:  I have a broken "picker".  At the advice of trusted friends, I have agreed that if I do meet someone I think I might want to be serious about, I will bring them around and listen to the advice of my friends before taking any steps to advance the relationship.

Simply put, I have screwed up enough to be willing to do what it takes to be sure I don't screw up again!  In the meantime, I am single and loving it!

[The_411]

Also... .here's the real question.

Are you available? Or are your emotions still wrapped up with the last relationship?

I only date people who are publicly SINGLE and legally so. If you're not single, you're not really available for a real partnership with another, are you?

Wow, I've been blasted for my statement.Fair enough, a lot of us on this board have been seriously hurt in the past so a fair amount of caution seems appropriate.  For the record, I've been separated for 4 months now (exactly today) and I am not dating yet.  Not really even considering it.  This is not because I am still emotionally attached, not sure I even have been emotionally attached for the past several years as the marriage was dead long ago.  But I am enjoying being free and I just plain don't want a relationship at the moment.

Just as important, though, I would be legally single right now if she would just sign the papers or at least respond to them, but I have no control over what she does or doesn't do.  In just 9 days, if she doesn't sign or respond to them, I will be able to move for a default judgment, which I have already instructed my lawyer to do.  The point being, it would be legal if it was solely up to me.

On the other hand, I have to be honest with myself, too.  I have a history of being a rescuer, ignoring red flags, getting myself into bad situations, and generally picking the wrong women.  Bottom line:  I have a broken "picker".  At the advice of trusted friends, I have agreed that if I do meet someone I think I might want to be serious about, I will bring them around and listen to the advice of my friends before taking any steps to advance the relationship.

Simply put, I have screwed up enough to be willing to do what it takes to be sure I don't screw up again!  In the meantime, I am single and loving it!

PAdiver,

I don't think people are being harsh so to speak. I think people are suggesting that getting involved with a pwBPD means that there are things that we haven't addressed in ourselves to tolerate their behavior and stay in the realtionship for so long.  We're trying to suggest that dating soon after ending with pwBPD can easily lead you into another BPD relationship if you haven't taken a good look at yourself and realized why someone with BPD was let it and allowed to stay.

However, with all that being said we can't decide for you and it's up to you to make those decisions. 

[anker]

I didn't mean to sound harsh.

Just pointing out that if you're available, you're available, and no excuses or explanations are necessary. I learned the hard way that people who have to explain. Their situation are typically unavailable and therefore, not people I personally will date.


But I'm not really interested in light hearted shallow relationships either. Some people may be just fine with dating and nothing more ever coming of it. As long as you are very honest and clear about that.

[PADriver]

I didn't mean to sound harsh.

Just pointing out that if you're available, you're available, and no excuses or explanations are necessary. I learned the hard way that people who have to explain. Their situation are typically unavailable and therefore, not people I personally will date.


But I'm not really interested in light hearted shallow relationships either. Some people may be just fine with dating and nothing more ever coming of it. As long as you are very honest and clear about that.

Not sure if you are addressing your comments to me, but if you read my posts I clearly stated I am not dating nor interested in dating.

[JoannaK]

I did start dating and met my (current) husband shortly after I separated from my exh.  I knew I was done and there was no chance we'd get back together. 

I did, however, meet many men who claimed they were "separated" but were living with their wives with no apparent intent on separating or divorcing. 

About dating when you have been separated for a few weeks, even though I did it, in retrospect, it was a bad idea.  I really, really wish I had given myself a full year to be completely by myself.  I wound up moving from one relationship to another (even though we didn't live together for years, and we didn't get married until this year.)

[nick212]

Whenever I start dating,it's like my ex senses this, and she starts all over again.

[Mystic]

I'm looking forward to getting out again, just want to make sure that I'm feeling whole and ready and not needy and vulnerable.  And again, I will be very cautious with "nextguy".  He's going to get some serious scrutiny, bless his heart.  Not that I'll be making him pay for someone else's past mistakes, but I will be examining what kind of person he is very closely.  

[ArtistGuy70]

I  hit the three month point. I have started to date here and there but am being very cautious.

[3rdID]

Im still at home with my uBPDw. Divorce in process. She's telling me there are many women who will want me and I will have no problem finding someone. Is this normal BPD? or is this a way of dealing with possible infidelity on her part?

[Rubies]

Even though we've only been separated since the end of August and the divorce won't be final probably until February, I've been detached for a long time.  17 years of lies and broken promises does that to a person.  I have no desire to get sucked back into his BS.  I've set the boundaries, he crosses them, he gets swatted with the newspaper.  He can go piddle on someone else's carpet.

I have to build a new life for my daughter and myself.  I haven't worked outside the home in 21 years, I've been a professional mom for 25 years.  :)D15 is autistic and has never been left home by herself.   For now I have spousal maintenance to pay the mortgage, but that won't last long.   I have an interview at the community college, I am trying to qualify for displaced homemaker grants so I can get an education to get a job to pay the mortgage on this small dilapidated farm.

When DH and I were separated 8 years ago, by time we reconciled, there were 6 men lined up waiting for me to start dating.   I have radar.   In the last month, my radar's been pinged 3 times.  The last ping, it felt like I was being pursued by pure evil.   What surprises me is that my radar works and men are still interested in me.  Of the 3, there is one I would consider a date with, and that is because I've been aquainted with him for 9 years.  Both of us need more time.

[lostoc]

I've been emotionally out of my relationship for 11 months, and distraught/helpless for 3 years. Divorce pending for 24 days. I can honestly say I would be completely fine dating right now. I have been ready for sanity and moving on for a long time.