Ever so often I keep thinking she is getting better with new guy and I made a mistake by walking away
The implications of this statement are: She is getting better *with* the new guy.
Even with the new guy out of the picture *she* is getting better.
If only you had waited for her to change... .
What you are really seeing with the "new guy" is the beginning of a Borderline relationship, where all is well and everyone happy. There's the part-time self that exists "intrapsychically" inside her head that seeks reward. New guy is very rewarding as a reflection of her good. She needs that new guy to represent that good. That's why Borderline mirroring is so deadly- the target doesn't think that the mirror comes with an ulterior motive- Borderline splitting.
Unfortunately, that good has an evil twin and the bad exists very close to the surface. It's kept in control by the level of good she feels. The minute that the new guy doesn't return a phone call quickly or says something that she perceives to be uncaring or a slight criticism, her bad begins to take over- and when it does, a frantic search begins all over again for the needed replacements of good. You see, this isn't just a desire- it's a need. Borderlines live with two part time selves and they get much of their anxiety from trying to keep the pendulum from swinging back and forth. Now that the new guy cannot be counted on- he's considered a punitive, criticizing, withdrawing object away from good- much in the same way that was done to you.
Her reward is found in actions toward the seeking out of good. Are you going to be called into action again? Possibly. You were an old repository of good, but you were also wearing the cloak of bad quite well. Because you were so committed to her, you've suffered- and your reflection is now of pain. Perhaps it's time for her to seek out a completely new person who doesn't know she's been bad.
Now, think of the ways that she would get attention. What would allow for a rewarding exchange? Her Intellect? Appearance? Both require interaction for her to find rewarding objects. Easiest way to do this is to go on the Internet and line up some prospects. All this while new guy is wondering what the heck just happened and where he is to ex-bf_worried in the wings. (It's getting crowded in there.)
This way, she can have all of you hold out hope that she's "getting better." After all, she has obvious potential and everyone recognizes the potential. It is what binds everyone together in some sort of common purpose; in order to help her realize her potential. She uses this potential as a lure. This way she keeps her rewarding objects close while fending off the bad she feels (oh yes, she cast off her bad onto you like a net- and you're wearing it still) while she's still stealthily searching for new objects.
That search will be kept hidden. When someone has Borderline personality disorder, when someone is dependent upon something to feel better about themselves, they will not be and they cannot be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you. They are too busy within the workings of the disorder. It's a disorder. You have to respect that fact. It is stronger than you and it is located within their mind, hidden from view. You do not control it. You cannot cure it. You can only control yourself- and that starts with acceptance of the problem and acceptance of the fact that there is nothing you can do about it. So stop worrying. Everything is going to be OK. You will get through this once you find resignation. Then you can begin the process of looking at yourself. And that's the most important job you will ever have.
