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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Why do they insist upon... (delicate question)  (Read 1735 times)
OverBoard
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« on: December 08, 2010, 11:18:01 PM »

I am just curious, especially after reading the boards all the time to help me with my ... life... why do BPD and NPD insist upon "unprotected sex" when cheating? Do they have a death wish? I mean, they are NOT stupid and for most of us... WE are in or were in a committed relationship with them. Did they NOT even consider, not only what they may contract, but the harm they would do passing that on to a partner?

Mine cheated and NOT a stupid woman by any means... when I found out whom she cheated with, and it was several at one time... .she said, "I will prove I didn't cheat! YOU call them and if they say we used a condom, then THAT is a lie because I am allergic to latex!" I said, "WHAT? Then all that means is YOU had unprotected SEX!"... She claimed it meant they had NO sex. Of course, I followed up with these guys before hand and they confided they did, she was drunk and she said to them she was not cheating, she was single (in which life?) and drunk sex really didn't count (remember she is 49!).

Any light on this subject or sense?
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Chipmunk
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« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2010, 11:50:48 PM »

OMG, I went through the same thing.  I got tested and found out I'm clean.  But mine slept with women he met online.  One of the girls he slept with contacted me via email and told me about the entire thing.  He begged me back and I went back... .I was suspecting his cheating ways again so I ended the relationship.
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2010
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2010, 02:06:31 AM »

BPD is different from NPD. NPD is about attention. BPD is about E-V-A-L-U-A-T-I-O-N - It's not about sex for the Borderline. It's about valuation. It's about action. VALUE = valuation = REWARD. It is a choreographed drive process that turns potential reward into kinetic action - it does not allow a moment for common sense. Borderline is an attachment disorder. It is a compulsion that derives satisfaction from the emptiness that is soon to be forgotten with the merging of another body.

There is no way that a BPD woman is going to sell you her peaches and ask that you put on gloves before you handle them. That would be impolite to you (she doesn't want you to think she thinks you're dirty) and also chance losing your business.

Now, having said that- this works both ways, and it's not just personality disordered people that forgo using protection. There was a study about politeness and unprotected sex, and most admitted that they were too embarrassed to suggest protection to their partner.  But with Borderline, many people are seduced into the idea that a relationship is deep, and therefore committed- so the need for protection from std is not necessary. Unfortunately, this thinking involves and infects the multiple partners that are revolving around the Borderline who are unknown to each other. 

Borderline people are driven to seek valuation- sex is the easiest way. If they can get as much valuation cleaning your house, they'll do that too.
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FoolishOne
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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2010, 02:13:51 AM »

Hey 2010:   That's poetry!
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fogbound
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« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2010, 02:41:21 AM »

This is the one trait that my BPDw did not exhibit. It took several weeks of "phone interviews" before she's even go out with me and she was very adamant that I have a STD screen before we dated. She a germophobe. I just can't picture her hopping into bed with a stranger whether she need validation or not.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2010, 06:16:18 AM »

This is the one trait that my BPDw did not exhibit. It took several weeks of "phone interviews" before she's even go out with me and she was very adamant that I have a STD screen before we dated. She a germophobe. I just can't picture her hopping into bed with a stranger whether she need validation or not.

Mine was a germophobe too, but I KNOW she had unprotected sex. Why? Because the first time we had sex, she never brought up a condom. Hmmm. Come to think of it, she never did. When she had her one night stands in the past, I doubt she and her drunk partners thought about that. I know she was not going to ask her boss of 10 years to wear one. Geez. When I found some old polaroids from years ago, he sure wasn't wearing one. Borderlines really don't think ahead. They live for the moment: that instant gratification to feel good and valued.
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officer1618
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« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2010, 07:50:22 AM »

Mine is a hypochondriac... .but in both of her sexual affairs she did not use protection.  She also told one of them I left her and was never around (I worked the midnight shift) and I beat her and abused her.  Gosh I wish I knew then what I know now.
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OverBoard
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« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2010, 09:27:07 AM »

Mine is a hypochondriac... .but in both of her sexual affairs she did not use protection.  She also told one of them I left her and was never around (I worked the midnight shift) and I beat her and abused her.  Gosh I wish I knew then what I know now.

Mine must be an "overload" of mental health issues... .she was also a hypocondriac but I KNOW she did not use protection when she "cheated" on me. That whole bizzare "ask them" crap like it was some college fraternity and NOT a relationship. To her, it was "no big deal" to cheat and then she wondered why things got rocky ontop of everything else. Almost like she WANTED ME to devalue HER so SHE would have a reason to DEVALUE me.

Oh... hey... same here: I was this wonderful, loving, kind, generous, love of her life that in the end... when she painted me black and that began IN the relationshp: I held her prisoner, beat her, wouldn't "ALLOW" (that was her new word for everything) to work, have a social life (meaning cheating), and abused her. Then she took it one step further: after the break up I was a drug addict, alcoholic, and had a prison record so SHE left Smiling (click to insert in post) Wow... .how the hell do they look themselves in the mirror everyday?
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Empowered
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« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2010, 09:53:03 AM »

There is no way that a BPD woman is going to sell you her peaches and ask that you put on gloves before you handle them. That would be impolite to you (she doesn't want you to think she thinks you're dirty) and also chance losing your business.

Thanks for that analogy it is priceless!

Risk taking behavior is part of it the riskier the better... .in addition to countless risk taking behaviors in bed my BPDh also took risks with our dog who liked to chase cars and walked her without a leash after we told him not to and she was run over by a truck... .to this day he still puts the hamsters on the floor with the cat... .thinks they need to be friends... .it is like Risks-R-Us there is no logic except when you look at the suicidal tendencies that most have, not mine but most, it kind of makes sense that they don't have any value so they don't worry about getting hurt.  Mine has a superman complex which I wonder if it comes from their child like behaviors because in childhood most kids think that they are invincible... .if you think about it that does seem to fit into the profile of BPD
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needPeace
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« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2010, 10:27:38 AM »

I think it is part of that 'risky sexual behavior' symptom.

And probably part of the issue that they think they are better than others, therefore immune to stds?  Or maybe to admit they need to use one means they are flawed, and god forbid they think they are flawed.  2010 said it perfectly Smiling (click to insert in post)
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FoolishOne
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« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2010, 11:32:08 AM »

Here's a little tidbit for those that may still be on the fence... .I broke up with my pwBPD (she was my girlfriend at the time)... .after I caught her cheating twice... .she later married the guy but divorced a few months afterwards... .Of course, she came back... .and like a genuine FOOL... .I took her back and we got married... .a few months later I discover she gave me Herpes.  Another wonderful side-effect of being with a BPD... .unprotected sex is the way they want it... .a way to feel closer to you... .She swears on her life that she didn't know she had it... .she said she was tested for every other STD under the sun... .but not that one... .(the reason she had those tests done was that she was pregnant with his baby and later aborted it)... .Anyway, if you are even contemplating leaving, strongly consider wearing protection... .it's decision that has far-reaching consequences... .
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OverBoard
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« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2010, 11:43:52 AM »

This is a serious matter... of course NOT to them. I never in a million years did not trust her... she was so convincing. But when push came to shove and I spoke with a few of her ex's I found she was notrious for cheating, lying about and destroying everyone in her path. The ex of 5 years recently tested for "everything" and was glad to report he is "clean". I have done the same and am fine. But, the fact is, my ex did NOT take into ANY consideration she may contract something... and still may (NOT my problem now). The fact she was cheating with strange men from bars... not ex's... STRANGE men... several at one time, 21 yo. and up to 65 yos (God this makes me sick to even type it and remember the raging on MY part about all this)... without ANY regard, remorse or anything.

The ex said prior to him, after he did HIS homework he found she had men in and out of her place when living alone to financially support all her needs... and yes, sleeping with them. *Just my luck I find a friggin HOOKER* what else do you call it?

And, that is what she was attempting to do here with me. Meet men, get money for whatever and hopefully keep it hidden.

When you find emails from men online stating, "When are you ready for a "hot" lunch again? Are you free?"... .8 months into the relationship where she is saying she is so in love with me, pulling the wool over my eyes... .jeeeeesh... .

Trash. That's all I can say. TRASH.
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fogbound
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« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2010, 12:05:13 PM »

As I think of this, I can't really come up with a conclusion.

Before the final recycle, I was gone for about 6 months. When I returned home she told me that she'd gone off her birth control pills because there wasn't any reason to take them and she'd been on them for at least a decade. She went back on them when I moved back in and we had sex within about 2 weeks of her starting the pills. She said she needed to be on them for a month just to be sure so she insisted that I wear a condom. It was the first and only time in 11 years with her that I did. I wonder what the real reason was.
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officer1618
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« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2010, 12:09:56 PM »

Overboard... .My famous phrase I said about 3 weeks before I found out about my stbxw's sexcapade with a 22yo boy... ."I could put her in a room full of male models and it wouldn't bother me a bit... .my wife would NEVER cheat."  MMMMM... .Boot leather tastes like chicken if you chew it long enough.
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OverBoard
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« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2010, 03:27:01 PM »

Overboard... .My famous phrase I said about 3 weeks before I found out about my stbxw's sexcapade with a 22yo boy... ."I could put her in a room full of male models and it wouldn't bother me a bit... .my wife would NEVER cheat."  MMMMM... .Boot leather tastes like chicken if you chew it long enough.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Mine use to brag about doing a 18 yo when she was 40... with me, she (49) cheated with a 68 yo. man in a hotel... I tracked this guy down, figured he'd be more open to discussion. And he was. Prominent Editor for a "Mens'" magazine at that, married. He was shocked when I confronted him... did my homework, asked around... found him. I was professional and polite and when I told him who I was... he was really almost in tears. Gave me the dirt, couldn't apologize enough. She said she was single and all the BS that comes with it. He told me she spent two days with him and used another last name: it was one of her previous marriage last names... she cried all the time, said she was so lonely, hurt, didn't have any money, the whole nine yards. One thing led to another and UNPROTECTED sex and that she almost done him in she was so demanding and unstoppable. This guy ACTUALLY gave me his work and cell number and said, "If she denies it YOU put her on the phone with me. I've never been to "had" before... and beleived everything she told me. YOU didn't deserve this and I'm so sorry"... .imagine. She supposively became angry at this guy and hit on two-three young dudes in a bar they went to ... got drunk and left with them, was gone 5 days have group sex with God knows what and comes back home acting like I knew nothing. The rest is history. To this day she will deny it ever happened... and if it did, as she put it... .I made her do it. This was they same woman that told me during dating over and over and over again, "Please don't cheat on me... that is a deal breaker to me. I never cheated on anyone... and everyone that told me they didn't... .did"... .Slut. Period.
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officer1618
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« Reply #15 on: December 09, 2010, 03:44:08 PM »

Overboard, I don't know if you read my post before... but that boy had the nuts to call me when he found out she was married and told me about it.  Said she practically stalked him and wouldn't leave him alone.  Said she told him she was divorced and that I left her... that I beat her... .and the deal breaker was she asked him if he liked our children.  Of course any 22 year old out for a free encounter did the norm... .tucked tail and bailed.  But she wouldn't leave him alone... .kept calling... .even said... "but we slept together... I gave you myself and this is how you treat me"... .WOW... .from what I know now this is classic BPD... .but at the time I was knocked off my feet.
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