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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: ANOTHER BPD in my life?  (Read 492 times)
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Posts: 304

« on: December 09, 2010, 01:56:34 PM »

To make a very long story short, I joined these boards 2 years ago when I was 22, going on 23. I am 25 now. I am still very young, I know. I was in a really bad relationship with my exBPDbf. I thought I had moved on and learned. Maybe I didn't.

Last year, I became involved with a former classmate in high school. He was (and still is) very soft-spoken, calm (on the surface), gentle, very soft-looking, nice, decent person with a very good education, also the same age as me. We had our ups and downs and arguments, but it seemed as if things always went back to the good times. When he was in a bad place in his life, I was always there for him, and arguably the only person there for him. We talked and talked every single day. We were best friends, technically. He always confided to me and I always confided to him. He always complimented me and told me nice things about me, how grateful he was there I was there for him.

Cut to a year later. He and I live closer to each other, much closer. Like 6 miles away. He seems to have changed into a totally different person. Last night, he tells me that he never liked me, never liked me back then, and never will. Although we have been intimate and his friends used to consider us a couple, he doesn't want us to be an official couple, and wants to tear me down. "I don't like you, I don't like you, I don't like you," he told me over and over. "I don't like talking to you". He then says that he has never liked talking to me, that things right now were the same back then. At the same time he tells me he doesn't like talking to me, he keeps on talking to me for another 30 minutes and acts as if he wants to listen to me. He appears to listen to me but he shows no remorse or empathy. He also tells me that he will never move on as long as he is connected with me, yet at the same time, he doesn't like me. None of this conversation makes sense. Things were seemingly bad just 3 weeks ago, but they were petty. We then reconciled again, made up for it, and he treated me like a Queen, and even staying over in my house just to talk to me for awhile before telling me he wanted to see me again. That was 2 weeks ago. This is now. I am still the same person. I have nothing new. His half-sister has BPD; his mother either has NPD or BPD, and they are estranged. I did not know this information until recently. He has never really had a girlfriend, but has never been promiscuous, either. In the past, he has chased two women who never ever liked him, who dated him briefly and then dumped him. But not me. I fell into the trap. I felt like he was projecting his own traits against me because the things he told me he hated about me were the exact same traits he has himself, and probably more obviously. I felt like he was splitting me back and forth.

Could this be another BPD-inflicted person in my life?

Part of me feels sane but part of me feels so weirded out by what just happened.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Widower
Posts: 5308

« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2010, 02:00:04 PM »

I don't knoww if he is BPD but from what you wrote do you really want to take the chance or be with someone that treats you that way?

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
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Posts: 304

« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2010, 02:01:36 PM »

I don't knoww if he is BPD but from what you wrote do you really want to take the chance or be with someone that treats you that way?


I don't want to be with him but I just want to validate my thoughts and remind myself that I am not crazy... .it was a strange conversation.
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Posts: 304

« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2010, 02:21:22 PM »

These are the traits I just figured out last night:

1) He judges me based on the very last encounter we had with each other, not even remembering the great times we had together or the fact that I was there for him.

2) He says he doesn't my personality because I "talk about myself way too much" and then "talk about the past way too much", but he himself talks A LOT about himself and the past.

3) He has hundreds of friends on Facebook, but 90% of them are people he doesn't even know, and they live in a state very far away from where we live. He only has about less than 5 real friends who are there for him through thick and thin, and on a personal, real-life level.

4) His mother often splits him, she views him as either all good or all bad and favors the other children over him although he is arguably the most hard-working and determined, and she mostly splits him black.

5) He tells me he has liked me for a long time, then later on tells me that he has NEVER liked me- to him I am either great or the scum of the earth.

6) He talks to people who obviously don't show any interest in him.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 808

« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2010, 04:42:11 AM »

6) He talks to people who obviously don't show any interest in him.

His interest and your interest are linked together based on his behavior. His interest in you is to put you down. Your interest in him is to wonder why he puts you down.

When you wonder why someone does this to you and you keep returning to ask questions- it gives the abuser permission to continue to abuse you. The only way to treat people who abuse you is to take your power back and walk away.  You dont have to explain yourself, you just need to give yourself permission to be treated fairly and that begins with establishing what you will and what you wont stand for. Allowing a Narcissist to determine the outcome will only prolong your objectification as a target of aggression. Dont allow it.  Hold your head high and disengage.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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