Staying on this board=not moving forward?

[peace]

Hi all of you,

First let me say that I LOVE this board and it really has been a LIFESAVER to me during difficult times. There are just so many bright and brave people here!

That said - here is a thought that I have had lately: is staying on this board actually a way of not moving forward? Sometimes I feel like it has become like an 'addiction' to log in to this board skimming the unread messages and looking for new replies. So even if it has been tremendously important in a certain phase -realizing you are not the only one, getting advices,hearing similar stories,making sense of all the craziness, I wonder in the end if it necessary for us to 'drop out' of this board if we really are to move on? Any thoughts?

[2010]

There are several boards here.  Purge anger (L3,) discuss family (L3, L4,) take personal inventory L5 and then build a new life L6. Taking personal inventory L5 is definitely forward motion- but only if you feel comfortable with self-discovery. If you are feeling bound to the forum, take some time off for awhile- it's good to get some air and when you're ready and you have questions, come back and read a bit. Disengaging is a process- one step at a time.  

[Inspirationneeded]

Well I am on the staying board mostly.  Very few people quit anything cold turkey.  Even if people stopped coming to the board (or never came in the first place) they would still vent to their friends and family about that crazy person who screwed up their life.  

[RealEyes]

Hi peace,

Love the South Park Avatar. As you can see i love this board, hope i will be able to donate something this month bc i get 3 checks this month, yippee!

This board has helped me see my own pattern with the X and even others before him, especially my own child and X buddy of 28 years. Despite the trouble i get into here n this place, it keeps me away from him and to a point indirectly somewhat connects me to him too. I do get creeped out when i read Staying and Improving on our r/s with a SO BPD. Its lot to allow anyone to do to us what i've read on that thread.  I try not to read there anymore but im drawn nonetheless on some days. I'd rather be addicted to this place rather than to the X anyday and i cant afford a T anyway, so i choose this place that hears me out everyday.

This forum prevents me from dumping on those closest to me as i use to after i've dealt with the type men i am attracted to, thats Wild Cards!

I just feel like a free loader at times bc i cant donate yet while at the same time becoming a brat by getting sent to the corner of the room again here by the Mods because of my sometimes harsh replies.

I do get what you mean for sure, for i need to look at why i'm here too much after the break up again that didnt last that long but its been going on now for 7 months as it does apply to me, as well. I guess it keeps me in check to document my LC r/s i still have with him now today so i dont fully go back again. Basically i feel im moving forward being here but i must make sure thats why i remain here more than ever now, not because i think i miss him and want to rekindle the memories by writing about here too much as i feel i do at times.

[innerspirit]

I've thought about that too -- probably have posted about it at some point (haha.)  

Seriously -- since I'm purging and working thru more than 20 years of crazy.

The beautiful thing about recovery is that it re-engages our gut instincts, the voice inside that's been spun around, confused, brainwashed, numbed by BPD manipulation.  On this end it feels like a compass and in quiet moments, it's about learning to detect it and trust it again.  

Let yours guide you.  What's your predominant feeling about staying on the boards?  It may change moment to moment.  That's OK -- I don't think recovery is a straight line.  But it does mean finding an ongoing personal balance between reflective and active, and that's an instinct to honor in yourself.

[maraki]

Just got here, but yeah it probably isnt moving forward.  But people who come here need an understanding ear to unload on.  My friends and family just DO NOT understand how i let my this [the exBPD GF and her chaos] happen to me.  People here do.

It's like being really sick, and this board is is the medicine to alleviate the symptoms.  People need their medicine to make them FEEL better until they actually BECOME better.  So looking forward to the day when i am better and no longer need my medicine. 

[Empowered]

Peace - Really liked what you had to say   Although I am grateful to everyone on this website for helping to validate me in a place where for so long I felt like the crazy one I have to say has been a blessing and I am very grateful.  Like you said at times it becomes almost instinctual to come here but I think that it is a community that allows us to express the inner feelings that we have and many times it is the things that you help others work on that make you think the most.  I am still in the r/s but I can see a point at which it is time to move to a genuine healing state and out of the crisis state.  As someone has already pointed out L5 and L6 may be where you need to be spending a little more time.  I think that for all of us this is just part of the entire process and what I have noticed is that some stay off the boards for a few months and then pop back in occasionally.  Don't negate the fact that you probably also have a lot of insight to offer to others that you can share.  Healing is a lifetime process not just for those of us that are nons but for every person on the planet.  I do occasionally go to L5 to look more closely at me because I know that for every tantrum and rage my BPDh has had in the past 16 years there has been a me or a lack of me that has been along for the ride.  And while no one would sanction his actions I was still a willing participant.  That is what I want to look at the Whys... .and the Where Do I Go From Here? And I do think that maybe a shift to L5 or a break would help you to make the decisions you need.  Maybe you will come back and maybe you won't but ultimately if you think that it is time for you to move on then it probably is at least for now.   x

[Dustyguy518]

Honestly... .stopping obsessively reading these boards was one step that helped me move along.  However in the first 3 months these boards were absolutely critical.

it's been almost 5 months now and the wounds are definitely scabbing over.

Key steps in getting her out of my head:

-stopped focusing on her in all regards.   That includes bpdfamily.

-finding out she was engaged to the guy she left me for after 6 months of meeting him

-finding out that she was 3 months pregnant to the guy she took off with

-having my own rebound with someone who was her polar opposite emotionally


bpdfamily is an incredible board.  For me personally though, I had to step away from them for a bit because it kept my focus on her and the emotional wounds she inflicted.

[david]

You can always come back.

[eman01]

I've recently returned to this board after taking a break for a while. Yes I was "addicted" to it and felt that I was indirectly staying connected to the ex. I came back after a recent encounter with uBPDxgf and needed the support to keep me from re-engaging. The strong urge to re-engage with the ex was quelled by coming here. Thanks to the group.

[left4good]

For me it's moved past necessity.  I like the atmosphere here.  I like the support and similar thinking. And I like to bounce stuff off of others or offer perspective when I can.  I'm more than a year out of the relationship and my mindset has changed with time. 

I come to ":)isengaging"  a lot because that's where i feel like my roots are.  I go to L5 and L6 to throw ideas or thoughts around and to catch up with people that came on about when I did. 

I'll be honest it can consume,  but the great thing about here is everybody understands.  If you're here too much and need to break,  we get it,  if you move to another thread,  we get it,  if you come back after awhile,  we get it.  That's why I stay on for now,  when nobody understood,  this place and these people did. 

I really don't connect this place and the ex any longer.  This is for my own stuff now.  Where i've been and where i'm going.  It's a process and this is one tool helping me thru it.

Left

[breakingpoint]

Hi all of you,

First let me say that I LOVE this board and it really has been a LIFESAVER to me during difficult times. There are just so many bright and brave people here!

That said - here is a thought that I have had lately: is staying on this board actually a way of not moving forward? Sometimes I feel like it has become like an 'addiction' to log in to this board skimming the unread messages and looking for new replies. So even if it has been tremendously important in a certain phase -realizing you are not the only one, getting advices,hearing similar stories,making sense of all the craziness, I wonder in the end if it necessary for us to 'drop out' of this board if we really are to move on? Any thoughts?

I have wondered this exact same thing... .for myself personally... .I need to find balance. I have moments where I can obsessively be skimming the boards for new posts, looking for something I can really relate too... .often times all that does is stir up all my anger again and keeps him running through my head. There are times when I am feeling weak... .like I want to contact him and this board and the members here snap me out of it. It's balance though... .I need to come here when I need it and get out and re engage in the real world when I don't.

[Nopreconceptions]

Hi all of you,

First let me say that I LOVE this board and it really has been a LIFESAVER to me during difficult times. There are just so many bright and brave people here!

That said - here is a thought that I have had lately: is staying on this board actually a way of not moving forward? Sometimes I feel like it has become like an 'addiction' to log in to this board skimming the unread messages and looking for new replies. So even if it has been tremendously important in a certain phase -realizing you are not the only one, getting advices,hearing similar stories,making sense of all the craziness, I wonder in the end if it necessary for us to 'drop out' of this board if we really are to move on? Any thoughts?

Peace,

I was away from the board for some 12 months but had a bad hit in the form of news about my exBPDgf and have found the access here extremely good to lean back on as I needed it.

So don't feel that you have to be so black and white about it. Try your time without the board but don't feel you have to never come back to it, or that doing so is a failure. Reading some posts here really helped me get back from what was going to be a dark place, even after so long.

[ve01603]

Baby steps.

[Dantes]

That said - here is a thought that I have had lately: is staying on this board actually a way of not moving forward?

I've thought about this too.

The lesser reason is I do think it helps me not complain to those closest to me about the exBPD, who unfortunately will always be in contact since we have kids.

The bigger reason is I simply find the people on this board to be intelligent, introspective, and inspiring. I like reading about kindness and hearing about people's triumphs. I wouldn't wish the BPD experience on anyone, but it has pulled a decent bunch of human beings here together.  

[innerspirit]

The bigger reason is I simply find the people on this board to be intelligent, introspective, and inspiring. I like reading about kindness and hearing about people's triumphs. I wouldn't wish the BPD experience on anyone, but it has pulled a decent bunch of human beings here together.  

  Absolutely and a great antidote to X's fear tactics about "the World out there", how no one could be trusted, all that.  It was projection -- I was to be afraid of him, and I couldn't trust him.

There is amazing healing energy here, bonds to each other sight-unseen.  What a way to restore faith in people --- some of the most powerful messages have come from those 1000's of miles away, just because of shared experience and generosity.

I like the Quaker saying that someone told me --

"everything in moderation, including moderation."

[Mystic]

I'm straddling the fence on this one.  I don't think it's healthy to dwell on something that's obviously over or cry over spilt milk.  What's done is done.  I don't like that I've given far too much to him already (written off as a loss) and continue to give in time working through this. 

At the same time I've found it very beneficial to see that others have gone through often exactly the same experiences.  It's been helpful to scratch the surface of comprehending this illness and realize that "it wasn't me".  That has been particularly helpful because of the name calling, blame, projection, rationalization and justification heaped on me.  It's been helpful to understand that this is a component of a psychological disturbance that my former partner obviously suffers from. 

Been fighting to purge the hurt and anger and simply "let go" of it all... .and yet I've found that letting go is not something that can be fought for, it seems to come in its own time.  Spilt milk shouldn't be cried for, but the mess does need to be mopped up or it reeks.   

So I think this board is all about the cleanup process. 

I've made a vow to myself to as much as knowingly possible, drop negativity and reach for positivity.  I know he's gone, it's over and I don't want him back, so the only purpose for continuing any examination of the relationship is simply to learn from it, heal myself and recover. 

I'm looking forward to my new life.  I'm not worried about living well being the best revenge, because I don't want revenge.  I just want to live well and be happy. 

Although I often feel I could have done without the learning experience, apparently God thought it was necessary, so I am learning. 

[seeking balance]

I think I posted something similar a few months ago about this board - and I actually took a break.

For me, what I have learned about this specific board - is that depending upon where we are in the process it can serve different needs.  We all know about the stages of grief - bargaining, anger, denial, depression acceptance - they come in waves and not really very linear (at least for me).

Add to that some legitimate emotional abuse, our own codenpendency patterns and different stages of actual "life" this board offers more than meets the eye - IMHO.

Raw hurt and anger - this board gives a place to vent, feel heard and simply not feel alone.

Identifying the anger source starts to lead to personal growth and many of us bounce to other boards at this point.

Bargaining - this board lets us process the bargaining.  Many times we might vent here about something our BPD just did to us, but let's be honest - how much of that reengagement were we a tiny bit responsbile for?  How much of it is really us bargaining with "a they really BPD?" "is it really over?"

Denial - common questions or thoughts of the process here: am i the crazy one? is this normal? he/she is just mean. why are they always a victim? why do they cheat? mainly, a lot of why questions that help sink in the fact we just spent part of our lives with a mentally ill person.

Depression - when we are here, this board is a lifeline.  It is the constant and that alone is comforting.

Acceptance - when we move here we can see past the anger and into the hurt, accept our own flaws of how we enabled this relationship, accept we loved a mentally ill person and the effects that has had on our lives and psyche and it serves as a map of where we have been.  It helps us when we can help others make sense of the pain.

So is this board about not moving on?  Maybe, maybe not - guess it all depends on perspective.  Does that mean you should stay or go?  The great thing is it is here when you want it and other resources are there when you want them.  I think we nons look for hard and fast rules when disengaging from our BPD relationships because it provides some source of consistency.  However, in life - sometimes it is all amatter of perspective.

Peace, SB

[David Dare]

I don't participate on this board as often as I used to, but I do read through it on a regular basis.