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Author Topic: Humiliating them  (Read 14797 times)
Mystic
formerly Livia
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1632



« Reply #30 on: December 27, 2010, 05:26:30 PM »

Well I'm not really down for humiliating others whatever the reason.

When you view her as a tank and you as a person throwing a small rock, then yes it seems like an unfair match.  The thing is, she's not a tank - she's a person.  And you have an equal number of defenses at your disposal as she has offenses.  

This bears repeating.  Stop giving her so much power over you.  You are in control of your life - she never held more power than you gave her.  Relationships are not wars, and it's time to explore your reasons for treating them  as such.  Even if the reasons for this "war" are obvious to you, there's a good chance you had similar, lower-level conflict in other relationships.

True strength and true kindness are intertwined.

Yep.  Mother always said "two wrongs don't make a right".  Having been harmed doesn't endow us with the right or need to harm in return.  In doing so, the harm is only perpetuated.  It may be hard to rise above, to get on the high road, but it's the better place to be. 

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BillP
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Relationship status: Single
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« Reply #31 on: December 27, 2010, 06:41:30 PM »

I want to make sure everyone understands what I'm thinking on this issue. I did (past tense) try to humiliate the ex. That was a few weeks after I moved out of her house. It doesn't matter if she or anyone else forgives me for that mistake. I will live with the knowledge of what I did. I was wrong, I apologized in an openforum, and I will never do that again. It came from a deep hurt, and new knowledge of understanding what the effects of living with someone who has this illness. And maybe, because I felt humiliated by what she had done to me. It's still embarassing for me to deal with.

Who hasn't, in the heat of the battlle (divorce, bad r/s, whatever), said or done something that in retrospect you wish you hadn't. It's the knowledge you gain from your mistakes to never act in that manner again. And I won't. I was an irrational person spewing venom at another irrational person.

For the record, I never said the ex was a tank. Simply an analogy that someone here had explained to me as to why humiliating someone with this illness is, at best, futile. And when I decided to send the ex an email, it was not to humiliate, but to let her know once and for all, I know who she is, and what the truth is, as it pertains to her life. And more importantly, that she is no longer welcomed in my world.

The power is with me, and only I control how my life will move forward. No her, or anyone else for that matter. Two wrongs may not make it right, but if you believe in the bible, there is such a thing as an eye for an eye. For me, that "revenge" if you wish to call it that will be because my life is better without her, than it ever could be with her in it.  The steps I'm taking these days are all about me and my wants & desires. Not hers!

I like to ask questions such as these only for my own knowledge & understanding. I will never break n/c. And I know you're not supposed to say never, but on this, I mean never! One last thing. I still am convinced that I will never hear or see her ever again! I went with my gut once before, and I was correct then, and I believe I am correct on this!
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Mystic
formerly Livia
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Posts: 1632



« Reply #32 on: December 27, 2010, 06:45:11 PM »

Who hasn't, in the heat of the battlle (divorce, bad r/s, whatever), said or done something that in retrospect you wish you hadn't. It's the knowledge you gain from your mistakes to never act in that manner again. And I won't. I was an irrational person spewing venom at another irrational person.

Sigh... .yep, I remember that day all too well.  These relationships can take us to places we never imagined.  =( 

I understand where you're coming from BillP. 
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kj1234
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Relationship status: Filed June, 2009. Divorced July, 2012.
Posts: 1626


« Reply #33 on: December 27, 2010, 07:10:27 PM »

I just wonder if what we post is more of what we see/think emotionally as opposed to what reality or the experts say is true. Reason why I say this is because I've had several ppl over the last feww days tell me, dude, she's not coming back due to you humilitating her, and her inabilty to humble herself to ever want to come back. Until someone can convince me, I believer this.

Am I wrong? Help me out here? I am just looking to find answers so I may understand. I get so many, what's and maybe's, isn't there any definites? Just curious.

BillP,

To call it humiliating may be oversimplifying and/or assuming attributes and ways of thinking she may or may not have.  My stbxw at times said she felt "very small" and said I made her feel like she was "nothing" before she left.  At the "very small" times, which had nothing to do with me, I was somewhat surprised because I didn't see why she would feel that way.  One time I remember was when she was being put on the spot in a political conflict at work and someone was calling her out for supposed failings in her job.  I coached her, told her she was very good at her job (which I believed), and advised her to turn the spotlight on the other guy, who had many offenses.  She did so successfully and it was a turning point in her career.

Stbxw is terrified of exposure.  My guess is many people with BPD are.  People who live lives of secrecy and deceit rely on false images of themselves to gain the trust and admiration of others, often so they can get what they want from others.  Stbxw may be comorbid BPD and sociopath.  The question is how much the fear of exposure is just coldly calculated from the knowledge that such exposure messes up their game, or not being able to face the shame of people knowing, and them having to face themselves, who they really are.

I don't think they go back to people who see through the veil and are willing to expose them.  When the FOG is gone, so are they.
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Mousse
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Channeling Lorelai...


« Reply #34 on: December 27, 2010, 07:23:12 PM »

Okay.  So what is done is done.  You are stating that you were wrong to attempt to humiliate her.  What are you asking of us here?  Validation of the feelings that drove your actions? Because we definitely do get it     There are few here who haven't struck back from pain, frustration, anger, and a desire to show our partner just how badly they hurt us.  

Are you asking if she is capable of feeling humiliation?  You are here presumably because you believe she has BPD.  If so, shame is at her core.

Do you want to hear someone say "Humiliating her was absolutely the way to keep her away"?  I don't think you'll get a convincing answer, because we don't know her, and because few here would endorse unkindness.  This site does not endorse it.  You are at a site that is centered around dealing effectively with loved ones with a mental illness - not demons.  Sick people.  There certainly is no honor in humiliating anyone, including a sick person, and no, it's not a clinically backed method of dealing with them.  Boundaries - rules for yourself - will protect you.  Insight into yourself will protect you.  

What do you want, BillP?  That answer really should not involve her actions at all.  That includes "I want her to stay away from me"  Smiling (click to insert in post)

You have already made great strides, and by keeping at therapy, taking care of your body, and staying connected with friends, you are doing well for yourself.  Keep at it.  Keep your focus off her.  Maybe start posting on Inventory, where it's about you.  Scary stuff - but so very worthwhile.  Keep pushing forward, like you have for the past few weeks  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Freedom begins with an act of defiance. Pain is part of life, but suffering is a choice.
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BillP
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 438



« Reply #35 on: December 27, 2010, 09:35:31 PM »

I'm not looking to validate my feelings so much as looking for others who may have been through this same/similar experience. Aslo to know if those with this illness can be humiliated.

I also was not looking for anyone to validate my actions at all. I take full responsibility for what I have done. That shame, belongs to me! And I'm not looking to know what her next move might be. No, it's all about me understanding more and more about the illness, and how it effects all of us, and what tools we can or should use to help ourselves during the recovery.

This is not about her, so much as it is about me understanding various questions that I have about a particular issue. My life is all about me. I am in control. I don't fear or worry about the Monster returning. I believe I slayed it once, and if need be, I will do so again! She will not enter my world again. I ask questions to help me. I really don't give a damn about her, and what she might do.

This has to be about what I will do to recover and move on to a better life.  Monsters don't scare me anymore!
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gentleman66
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Posts: 462


« Reply #36 on: December 28, 2010, 12:13:18 PM »

Humiliating them continues the cycle. Ie the longer you keep in contact with them or react to their behaviour and games they will simply continue. Aim is to break off contact, eliminate all ways they can contact you etc They then get bored with you and find the next target. Whom they believe are the beez neez until they switch, then the games behaviour mentally ill illness will kick in

I agree. Humiliation is antithesis to disengagement. Thus, this only reinforces the cycle both for you and them.
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