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Author Topic: "Merry Christmas ... Please do not respond."  (Read 580 times)
fogbound
formerly "reevega"
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« on: December 27, 2010, 02:39:19 PM »

Ok, my turn to weigh in.

As I posted over the weekend, I broke NC by sending the following "Merry Christmas to you and the kids. Please do not respond." Within a 10 minute period I got 4 calls (not answered) and 4 texts pleading with me to talk to her. Had I not been with friends who "persuaded" me not to respond I think I would have called her.

If I going to be honest with everyone, I wanted just that response from her. It made me feel empowered and at the same time confirmed that she still gave a s**T about me... .or the financial support I have always provided which is slackening off.

Was it a dangerous game of emotional chess? Yes. Did I need to do it? Yes.

The legal battle is heating up and I think I have won the first move. I wanted the emotional edge too.

I really miss the better attributes of this woman but despise her disease and what it's done to destroy my Fantasyland.
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Skip
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2010, 02:54:13 PM »

If I going to be honest with everyone, I wanted just that response from her. It made me feel empowered and at the same time confirmed that she still gave a s**T about me... .or the financial support I have always provided which is slackening off.

A question we all need to ask ourselves if we are serious about healing and going on to live a better life... . Is my action the action of an emotionally healthy adult?

If you told us that your received a text from her saying "Merry Christmas to you and the kids. Please do not respond" - what would we be saying about her today?



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fogbound
formerly "reevega"
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« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2010, 03:05:06 PM »

You would say that she'd cast a heart-shaped lure unto my pond expecting me to swallow it.

Am I correct?
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Skip
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2010, 05:29:19 PM »

You would say that she'd cast a heart-shaped lure unto my pond expecting me to swallow it.

Am I correct?

Not sure I understand the metaphor  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I would that she was trying to relieve negative hurtful emotions that she fells by hurting you.  It's typical BPD emotional immaturity and dysfunctional coping.  She doesn't know a healthy way to process her feelings so she tries to replace them (avoids them) with the pleasure/satisfaction of hurting you/beating you.

Other's here in recent days have accused people with BPD for being evil or selfish, or being emotional vampires for doing things like this.  I don't really prescribe to any of this - I only mention it to point out how wrong we see it when our partner does these things - yet how we sometimes feel justified to do these things ourselves.  If we were to ask our partner, they would have a rationale just as we have a rationale.

I think we would all agree that it is dysfunctional if she did it - but what about when we do it?
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have gone nc
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« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2010, 05:30:00 PM »

i can see both sides of this coin... .

I totally agree with skip... .if they break nc do we all rant about how dysfunctional they are etc, have no boundaries and all the other traits of a pwBPD. And it is all true. These people are mentally ill and it does not justify the way they treat people most definitely... .but... .its kinda like asking a lion to not act like a lion, or a shark to not act like a shark.

These people have this illness (not out of choice) and there is no pills or injections or other ways to medicate and make it go away. They react as a defense mechanism, which basically is a selfish way to stop themselves hurting... .unfortunately it destroys everyone around them ( i was one of these people! ), I dont think they ever stop to think of the outcome of their actions... .and just bounce around like a pinball off different "caretakers"... .

BUT... .I can also see why fogbound had to do this... .I have been following your posts and you really got torn a new one!

I was there about 7 months ago and reading about your pain was so similar to mine. I wont bore you with it all as its the past for me, and what happened, happened. I can see why you needed some sort of validation, and seems you got it. I don't think this is dysfunctional, its a defense mechanism to validate you was worth something... .and i can see that, the same as she has her defense mechanisms.

The only thing i would say would make you dysfunctional would be to chase this up further. It would be like someone saying " if you look round that corner someone will shoot your head clean off" and then having a look Smiling (click to insert in post)

And in all honesty after reading your posts if you was to come on here and post that you went back after the new "boss" kicked her to the kerb and then she ruined you again, i would expect everyone on here to tear you another new one!

But as much as skip makes a very very true statement ( have read any of skips posts and he has helped me a lot, without even knowing it Smiling (click to insert in post) ), i can say i am happy you got something back from her... .only something very small, but it may help you on your recovery which would be worth that text a thousand times over!

Good luck to you... .
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« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2010, 05:31:19 PM »

Well look, this is done. The battle is for control, but it must remain in the lawyers hands at this point. Your job is to take care of yourself and allow your ex some dignity.  

I'm in agreement with Skip. "Merry Christmas to you and the kids. Please do not respond." This wasn't so much a heartfelt greeting as it was an ultimatum about control. It's completely understandable to feel this way during a divorce- but when a partner lobs a rock (with a Christmas note tied to it) over the fence and into the yard of the other partner- and then the note tells her not to throw it back after you've been lobbing rocks back and forth for years- well- it's unfair not to expect a reaction to your action.  In fact, I cant think of a better set-up for the reactive phone calls to question your actions.  Not taking her calls was a way to punish.  

Since Borderline personality disorder is about punishment and persecution, you're playing right into your role here and proving her thoughts about the partnership to be correct. Funny how this persecution complex is a common ending to Borderline relationships.  Almost as though they were proven right, while turning their partner into a wrong.

If it was your intention to both engage her and then silence her reactions, this is a "transmutation of aggression." We all do TOA's -some of us do them passively, some of us do them aggressively.

Passive aggression is a roundabout way to get your feelings across- feelings that you are upset, at Christmastime and frustrated- alone and a little bit angry. Getting this abandonment stuff off your chest to your partner probably makes her think you dont want a divorce and are missing her terribly.  Borderlines swing on a pendulum back and forth with longing for love and fleeing of control.  A Merry Christmas message of love and a "dont respond" message of control. Back and forth, the pendulum swings. One thing is certain: if you want a divorce, then you must feel the abandonment depression and let it sink in that you will be alone. The only way out of the marriage is through this abandonment depression. You will get through it- you've done it before when you were a kid. One day at a time. Take it as it comes.

The beauty of these failed partnerships is their uncovering of our childhood fears. This passive aggressive stuff comes to the surface where we can inspect it. I bet with some digging, this anger you feel comes from earlier days in childhood where you weren't heard or respected.  That's the real relationship that drives every present day behavior and this is a good time to investigate its origins. When everything is falling apart during a divorce and you've got your life all laid out on the tarp filleted - you can really see what's yours and what's not. Throwing away what you don't wish to own anymore is freedom from the reactions needed to house it.  Until then, one or the other of you are going to have to put a stop to the lobbing of rocks that are landing on your tarp that is distracting your sense of purpose.

I think it's safe to say, once the divorce is over- you'll find all of this easier to handle. Think about it now for a little bit- then put it all away. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be kind and patient with your reactions. In time it will get easier, I promise. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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