Re-engagement/Recycle - Help me understand this?

[Lynnie586]

... .Like the subject line asks.  Can anyone tell me how this works?  What do they do when they are trying to re-engage or recycle?

I am almost 5 months out.

My uBPDexbf keeps calling me.  Just to say "hey".  Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't.

We were together for 4 years, did not live togeher, but spent all our free time with each other.  I walked out, literally, in early August 2010.  Couldn't take the drama any more.  Still love him, but just can't live like that any longer.

NC for 6 - 7 weeks.  In that time he has found a new girlfriend and is still with her now.  But he keeps calling, I have seen him a few times, but he does not want to talk about us or any of what happened between us. 

He just wants to talk on the phone and shoot the s+*t and/or just hang out.

I have told him numerous times that I DO NOT want to be friends and I will not sleep with him since he has a girlfriend.  I have been very clear about this.

I even told him to please leave me be for now so I can heal and we can both move on.  He understood that for about a day or two and then started calling again.  And like I said, he really has nothing to say to me, it's just "hey", how are you?  What are you up to? Blah, blah, blah... .

So what the hell does he want from me?

[maraki]

My guess is that his current r/s is no longer to his liking.  So he is reaching out to someone he thinks will give him the attention he needs.  Our BPDs are needy creatures after all.

Just tell him you're fine and hang up.  Keep it short and to the point.  Do not give him anything that could be used against you.

I suggest the painful NC option.  Block his number, email, etc.  Do you really want to waste 5 months of healing by re-engaging this person?

[Lynnie586]

No.  No I don't want to waste the 5 months at all.  I am just wondering what the hell is going on.

I understand the mention of the other relationship ending or petering out, but as far as he has told me, he is still with her and does not want to break up with her because he feels she may be the one for him.  The one he has been waiting for his whole life.

He already said she was better than me in so many ways.  He was specific about how.  So, that was freakin' damaging enough.

I just can't seem to imagine from what he says about her that he would ever leave her.

Why would someone stay with someone else and profess love to another party?

Is that not self torture?

I mean if my ex came back, professed love for me and I was happy with someone else, would I not be glad for NC?  Would I call them and continue to want to see them?  That wanting to stay really would get to me if I still had feelings for my ex.  I would not want to stay with the new person if I still loved my ex.  I would go back to my ex.  As hard as it was to the new person I would have to tell them and leave.

I think if I was happy I would tell the ex to go away and leave me alone.

Not to mention;  If I have been split black, smeared all over the place and the new girlfriend introduced to family and friends already, why would he even contact me at all?

This does not seem typical to me.  And neither does the re-engage tactic.

Wouldn't he just go away completely and forget he even knew me at all since I abandoned him in the first place? 

Thats all he ever says about it;  "How do I know you won't leave me again like that?"

So his abandonment is showing.  Would he not run for the hills from me if he thought for one instant that I could get away with leaving him?

Is this not their greatest fear come true?  Why would he come back to that?

[Im.okay.now]

Hi Lynnie586

He's probably just saying those things to hurt you in some way. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It would probably help to not have contact with him for a while to give you the space and time you need to sort out your feelings.

Best wishes

ION

[Lynnie586]

Well, I figure he wants to hurt me.  Thats all he ever seemed to do to me towards the end, even when we were still together.

So I guess this isn't even a re-engage/recycle?

Its just pain he wants to inflict on me.  Makes sense I guess. (Well from his mind, it makes sense).

Like I said before, I have asked him to leave me be so I can heal and move on.  And I also told him he was hurting me with all of it (the contact).  I was trying to be civil and maybe even talk stuff through with him early on in this process.

But now I am starting to really see the person I am dealing with.  There is not one single thing he will take responsibility for in our demise and in these last few months.  Not one single thing.  He can't even acknowledge the facts I state about how he makes me feel.  If I tell him how I feel he becomes mad and turns the tables on me, that I caused all this.  Even if I did, even if it was me that walked away, why not just move on and be happy with this new relationship he is in?

Of course its all my fault, (the way he sees it) so what is the point of even talking to him.  I realized this weeks ago and now am trying to just put a stop to it.  Which shouldn't be too hard really.

I just have to ignore him and his calls, messages.  He's not one to just show up at my house anyway, so he may just go away after a while.

Its just so painful when he does try to talk to me because it opens up the old wound all the time.  I wish it would just scab over, dry up and fall off already !

Well, its New Years and I doubt I will hear from him for a bit, busy with new person I'm sure, last call was yesterday, nothing really to say again in that interaction. Why he even bothers?

I'll keep you posted if he trys again, but I think I will just ignore it now.  It does no one any good, especially me!

Thanks for your thoughts.  Happy New Year!

[Im.okay.now]

I just have to ignore him and his calls, messages.  He's not one to just show up at my house anyway, so he may just go away after a while.

Its just so painful when he does try to talk to me because it opens up the old wound all the time.  I wish it would just scab over, dry up and fall off already !

You can not count on him to make this happen for you. This responsibility belongs to you. No cnotact weill give you the space you need to help your scars heal.

Happy New Year to you too.

[breakingpoint]

No.  No I don't want to waste the 5 months at all.  I am just wondering what the hell is going on.

I understand the mention of the other relationship ending or petering out, but as far as he has told me, he is still with her and does not want to break up with her because he feels she may be the one for him.  The one he has been waiting for his whole life.

Of course he tells you SHE is the one... .blah, blah, blah... .but I would be willing to be like the other posters have said... .his r/s isn't working out and if he is a typical BPD he doesn't want to end it until he knows he has another one to go straight in to. I would be willing to bet that if you gave him any indication that you would take him back he would end it with her... .he just wants to make sure he has you hooked again first... .they can't stand to be alone.

Mine had another in the wings... .within a week of us having a fight he was dating her. We got back together and he kept on seeing her... .we finally broke it off for good and now it looks like he is engaged to her... .and we only split for the last and final time on November 17. He's a smooth operator.   

[Lynnie586]

Man BP !  That is horrible.  I am sorry you are going through that.  ((HUGS)).

Well my bpdfamily.com friends.  New information is at hand.  He called me last night and told me he broke up with the new girl recently.  I asked him why?  Thought she was soo WONDERFUL ! Everything he was looking for, etc, etc.

Apparently she was not, he said things had soured and it looked as if it was ending for some time anyway.  WEIRD.  Since last time we spoke, around Xmas, he said he could not break up with her before the holidays were over and he wasn't sure if he even wanted to break up with her.  I actually feel sorry for her, she probably had no idea what she was getting herself into 3 months ago.  Oh yeah, did I mention that, it lasted 3 to 3.5 months.

Isn't that classic?  Yeeshh.

So this looks like a re-cycle now.

What should I do?  Any thoughts?  I feel like running away to another country right now.    |> |>

[breakingpoint]

Man BP !  That is horrible.  I am sorry you are going through that.  ((HUGS)).

Well my bpdfamily.com friends.  New information is at hand.  He called me last night and told me he broke up with the new girl recently.  I asked him why?  Thought she was soo WONDERFUL ! Everything he was looking for, etc, etc.

Apparently she was not, he said things had soured and it looked as if it was ending for some time anyway.  WEIRD.  Since last time we spoke, around Xmas, he said he could not break up with her before the holidays were over and he wasn't sure if he even wanted to break up with her.  I actually feel sorry for her, she probably had no idea what she was getting herself into 3 months ago.  Oh yeah, did I mention that, it lasted 3 to 3.5 months.

Isn't that classic?  Yeeshh.

So this looks like a re-cycle now.

What should I do?  Any thoughts?  I feel like running away to another country right now.    |> |>

Well, I hate to sound all pessimistic (but I AM all pessimistic ), he will now paint her black... .he will tell you how terrible she was, maybe too clingy and needy... .maybe she lied and cheated (all things that are really his traits)... .I am sure that he lied about you to her, I bet he has told her awful things about you... .so that she would never suspect that he still has an interest in you... .so how can you believe a word he says? It's hard... .oh believe me... .it's HARD... .but don't fall for it when he says it's different now and he wants to try it again with you. Ask yourself what has changed... .all he did was move on quickly from you... .and now he wants to move on quickly from that relationship too. I would steer clear, there are plenty of men out there would would be willing and able to treat you with the respect and kindness that you deserve... .the good ones are worth the wait... .they don't hop from one relationship to the next.

[Skip]

We can't really know the specifics, but the general reason people reach out is:

   * Inability to deal with acute loneliness

   * Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

   * Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

   * Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

more here

Possibly the most important thing right now is to realize that 1) you are vulnerable. 2) the relaionship is over (he is not contacting you to sincerely rekindle), and 3) people with BPD don't have good boundaries and will want things from past partners that really aren't appropriate. Remember, he didn't have good boundaries in the relationship - not likely to have them now.

I even told him to please leave me be for now so I can heal and we can both move on.  

The less interesting the interaction, the more likely he will move on.  The statement above is far too intimate and passionate - and it shows that he still has pull on your heart - its not helpful to tell him your vulnerabilities.  NC can also be seen as passionate - like you are so emotionally caught up you have to fight yourself to keep from being draw back in.

If you can't just ignore him, sometimes just answering on occasion with boring disinterested statements works well - if you are strong enough to do that -  "How is your mom doing? How is your friend Jim doing. Glad to hear that. I have to run, I have plans".

[2010]

the general reason people reach out is:

   * Inability to deal with acute loneliness

   * Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

   * Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

   * Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

Excellent post which applies to both parties involved.

[Lynnie586]

Thanks guys.  NC is the best way.  I appreciate all your comments.

Hope you all have a GREAT 2011 !

[JonnyJon42]

Ya when me and my ex split she said she could never be with me again and im the one that made her crazy and other guys wont but then a few weeks later we where having sex again and now a few weeks later again its im a monster this is all my fault ive doing NC and she told me in her last rage she wants nothing to do with me and will never contact me again.

We will see i think she has a new toy now but im sure that wont last and she will be looking back at me with sad eyes asking me to take her back and fix this whoe mess she got into. always happens

[brenbabe]

I wouldnt believe anything my ex had to say. He was with someone before me, came back to me saying he wasnt with anyone before he returned to me. then he tells me he was with her a very long time ago and he ended it. Was all a lie, he was with her one day before he returned to me, and she was the one that dumped him. Immediately he called me after not speaking to me for three years. Lies all lies, he didnt return to me because he loved me. He returned to me because he cannot be alone. I was used until he found another. He texted me a few weeks ago. I didnt answer. I am sure it was just to see if I was still available in case he needed to use me. I do believe this man cares nothing about me and never has. The word Love should be banished from his vocabulary.

[Robhart]

My exBPDgf starting ramping up the calls around New Years.Hmm

The guy she was fooling around with during the time " she perceived we weren't together" had gone up north till January .She said she no longer had any interest in him. His plane hadn't touched down and she was leaving him voice mails.

She met him in a bar they both go to.Turns out he realizes how out of whack she is and blows her off.Thus the calls.

If he's calling you it might be because his new gf isn't taking as much of his behaviors as you did and he's preparing for her exit.

[brenbabe]

Rob I agree. Things must not be working if they try to contact us. I refuse to have any contact with him . Hed have more luck finding a unicorn then me answering him 

[Lynnie586]

Yeah, I hear ya.  He is STILL calling ME.  Now it's just making me angry.  2 days ago was the first message in like a week. 

Him stating he was sorry for not calling for a while, (OK? whatever.).  He named a bunch of excuses as to why.

I guess he is not seeing the girlfriend, but who knows.  Asks to see me and then nothing.  Until last night.  3 more messages, about I want to see you tonite and then as the evening wanes on, more messages of anger because I am not answering him.

Up until the last message saying "ok, I won't call you anymore, I get the message".  NO HE DOES NOT!  HE NEVER DID AND HE NEVER WILL!

Ends the message saying this (wish I knew what the hell it meant, btw)

"I know you are mad at me and I guess I feel the same way.  But I don't want to forget either".

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  REALLY?  What does it mean?

I know we will NEVER know, but just the same, why do they say things like this to us, WHY?