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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Did your ex appear happier after they got rid off you?  (Read 2528 times)
othello
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« on: December 30, 2010, 06:52:25 PM »



Hi...

Just been thinking about this one. Dont know why... . 

Did your ex appear happier after they painted you black and got rid of you?  My ex ended up telling me I was holding her back (and I replied the only person who ever stopped her from doing all the things she wanted and held her back was herself - eg dieting, eating healthier, getting fit - when I was pouring money into her life to buy her healthy groceries, pay her debts off and help her get her hair done nice each month so she would feel better about herself!)... .  seem she must have blamed and used me for everything, and as soon as she got rid of me, used me almost as motivation perhaps and started doing all these things herself that she never did when I was around...

And I hate myself for thinking of it all... I hate myself for caring why or how she is... .  I just cant get her out of my mind.

6 months NC on... am having a really tough day.

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OverBoard
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« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2010, 07:10:13 PM »

Othello... yes. But I moved my BPDNPDbi-polargf out of my home after two years. Her words 2 weeks later: "YOU did me the biggest favor!" and from what I know she is having the time of her life (49), dating everyone in sight, money being spent on her in droves, a want for nothing... .but with one exception. I left lines of communication open from July 12 2010 when I moved her out and SHE went NC on Nov 11, 2001 100%. Not a word. Then on Dec. 26 Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 12:24 am she calls, leave a msg ( I was asleep) "Merry Christmas XXXXX. I miss you. Bye"... and have not heard a word from her since.

Happier. Maybe. Maybe because now they can start new with others that are NOT privvy to all the BS and games, lies, deceit, cheating. Just as when they met "us"... we were new game, a new supply. They were "happy" and told us so... it's a cycle. It will never end no matter whom they are with. One day, as it happened with us, all the pieces will fall apart and they will look for yet, another.
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ve01603
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« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2010, 10:10:12 PM »

Hi...

Just been thinking about this one. Dont know why... . 

Did your ex appear happier after they painted you black and got rid of you?  My ex ended up telling me I was holding her back (and I replied the only person who ever stopped her from doing all the things she wanted and held her back was herself - eg dieting, eating healthier, getting fit - when I was pouring money into her life to buy her healthy groceries, pay her debts off and help her get her hair done nice each month so she would feel better about herself!)... .  seem she must have blamed and used me for everything, and as soon as she got rid of me, used me almost as motivation perhaps and started doing all these things herself that she never did when I was around...

And I hate myself for thinking of it all... I hate myself for caring why or how she is... .  I just cant get her out of my mind.

6 months NC on... am having a really tough day.

Yes.  I have a friend who is a teacher and is very well educated that had a bi polar, BPD husband that she had to divorce and she just said that they don't have what it takes to maintain a relationship.
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OverBoard
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« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2010, 11:46:20 AM »

Hi...

Just been thinking about this one. Dont know why... . 

Did your ex appear happier after they painted you black and got rid of you?  My ex ended up telling me I was holding her back (and I replied the only person who ever stopped her from doing all the things she wanted and held her back was herself - eg dieting, eating healthier, getting fit - when I was pouring money into her life to buy her healthy groceries, pay her debts off and help her get her hair done nice each month so she would feel better about herself!)... .  seem she must have blamed and used me for everything, and as soon as she got rid of me, used me almost as motivation perhaps and started doing all these things herself that she never did when I was around...

And I hate myself for thinking of it all... I hate myself for caring why or how she is... .  I just cant get her out of my mind.

6 months NC on... am having a really tough day.

Yes.  I have a friend who is a teacher and is very well educated that had a bi polar, BPD husband that she had to divorce and she just said that they don't have what it takes to maintain a relationship.

It all has to be "fantasy" with them. Once the reality sets in, bills, obligations, jobs, pets, kids, what have you... they are done. I know. I lived it. And I recall from her talking about her other marriages and relationships, ditto. They are only "IN" it to get what they want and then they are done. Sad, but true. Never again will I fall for this. NEVER. Even if I have to live alone for the rest of my life (which I don't want to) my atennas' are up and running!

She was happy with me... .she saw a home, car, money. As she was with every in her past. Nothing has changed. I'm positive. Once the sugar coated thins, she will be right back to square one.

They can act "happy" all they want... of course, they will. They are "free" to be what they want. Once they settle in... .then the trouble begins.
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2010, 11:57:07 AM »

I suppose the false self is 'happy', whatever that means to them.  It's sad to think about, like someone dancing on your grave.  Sometimes I'm a little jealous of that ability to just block it all out but it's better to grieve and heal.  They are like someone running over an animal in the road and then laughing about it.  So wrong. 
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restoredsight
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« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2010, 01:01:37 PM »

I suppose the false self is 'happy', whatever that means to them.  It's sad to think about, like someone dancing on your grave.  Sometimes I'm a little jealous of that ability to just block it all out but it's better to grieve and heal.  They are like someone running over an animal in the road and then laughing about it.  So wrong. 

Don't be jealous when you have the capacity to fully love both other people and yourself. Their lack of adult feelings isn't a gift in the least. They have no idea of what they've lost unless they get into recovery. And all of that depends on the temperament of the individual.

A half life filled with nothing but unfulfilled fantasy is what they have, and the truth is that they aren't really happy, no more than when they were with you. Perhaps even less depending on the quality and quantity of the rewards they are given, even then they have that endless interior voice nagging that nothing they do is good enough or right. Their core is filled with shame.   
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RealEyes
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« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2010, 01:22:52 PM »

I recently told my again xBPDbf i needed to meet someone that respects my mind and cares for my well being, for he's too self absorbed to be able to be that way for me. He acted like he was happy to read my text 2 weeks ago only to be now accusing me of vandalizing his truck. He wouldn't tell me thats what happened, just accused me of doing something to him and he didn't deserve it, then called me "low". This caused me to think for 24 hours what the hell was he talking about the first day (29th) of sending me these crazy text. I then sent a text thinking he finally got trespassed from The Library after work yesterday since he gets into trouble there too but not before actually saying i thought some new screw of his vandalized his truck the first night of accusing me of something. After i sent that text about maybe he was trespassed, that's when he admitted it was his "poor truck". I was relieved, nevertheless, but now suspicious of what he was doing to me. I told him he's angry that i left him and this is how he's treating me because he's not happy.

Not sure if his truck was again attacked, for he can be an hit_. I like his truck and somewhat love him but i do not like him at all!

By his recent attempts at stressing me out, he only revealed to me he is miserable!
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Mystic
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« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2010, 01:25:42 PM »

Dunno if mine appears happier or not.  Haven't seen him since the day he left.  That day he appeared disheveled and crazy.  Now there's a memory... .

The one contact I had since from him was an angry, cold, heartless and ugly response to an email I'd sent trying to make peace between us.  It was written after 2 am.  All I could think was... ."this is not the response of a happy man... ."  Like seriously, if you need to be spitting venom at 2 am at someone who loved and cared for you and was trying to extend an olive branch to you, it's time to take a hard look in the mirror.  :)ifficult as my struggle has been, I was sleeping peacefully with a clear conscience at the time that email was written... .

Whatever.  My happiness and that of my loved ones is what matters now... .his is his to own.  
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2010, 01:29:04 PM »

I suppose the false self is 'happy', whatever that means to them.  It's sad to think about, like someone dancing on your grave.  Sometimes I'm a little jealous of that ability to just block it all out but it's better to grieve and heal.  They are like someone running over an animal in the road and then laughing about it.  So wrong. 

Don't be jealous when you have the capacity to fully love both other people and yourself. Their lack of adult feelings isn't a gift in the least. They have no idea of what they've lost unless they get into recovery. And all of that depends on the temperament of the individual.

A half life filled with nothing but unfulfilled fantasy is what they have, and the truth is that they aren't really happy, no more than when they were with you. Perhaps even less depending on the quality and quantity of the rewards they are given, even then they have that endless interior voice nagging that nothing they do is good enough or right. Their core is filled with shame.   

Good points.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   But isn't that why they block everything stressful out, to avoid feeling that core shame?
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eastcoast

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« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2010, 02:54:33 PM »

It's something I struggle wit too in terms of is she happier without me... i have my good days and bad days, but I am looking forward to the new year to start a clean slate and starting to be selfish for once. When I wrote a final letter (it was respectful and the truth) to my exBPD to end contact, 4 days later she texted me saying she has never been shtted on so much in her life like she has in those 4 pages i wrote her (i assumed projection b/c she has shtted on me for the last 1.5 yrs. and all her past rel. have done the same to her and she always twists things around) and that she is happier now than she has been before... .she also moved on to a new relationship... .whether shes really happy? idk... .the only reason it still sorta bothers me is b/c im still working on my own true happiness... .i think her new rel. is convenient but whether im right or wrong doesnt matter anymore


i hope everyone on here has a great new years eve and can also start a clean slate     i love this icon Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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OverBoard
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« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2010, 04:10:57 PM »

It's something I struggle wit too in terms of is she happier without me... i have my good days and bad days, but I am looking forward to the new year to start a clean slate and starting to be selfish for once. When I wrote a final letter (it was respectful and the truth) to my exBPD to end contact, 4 days later she texted me saying she has never been shtted on so much in her life like she has in those 4 pages i wrote her (i assumed projection b/c she has shtted on me for the last 1.5 yrs. and all her past rel. have done the same to her and she always twists things around) and that she is happier now than she has been before... .she also moved on to a new relationship... .whether shes really happy? idk... .the only reason it still sorta bothers me is b/c im still working on my own true happiness... .i think her new rel. is convenient but whether im right or wrong doesnt matter anymore


i hope everyone on here has a great new years eve and can also start a clean slate     i love this icon Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Same here eastcoast. Got the same response... I sht on her telling her I was sorry and asking her to at least get help with her drinking, I wouldn't watch her die... nothing but venom came back at me. I was a liar, cheater, thief of material things (okkkkay), thief of her identity, coward, low, stupid, idiot, ridiculous, no balls... .etc. Then she has the nerve to leave that v msg on Dec. 26 wishing me a Merry Xmas and saying she missed me... then nothing to this day... zip.

I sure hope the New Year is better. I can't stand going thru the holidays like this again... alone and with all this baggage.

Im sure mine is happy... especially today or rather tonight. Party night. At 49 she will no doubt dress very provocative (slutty) and either go to several parties or bar hoping, clubs hitting on anything that moves.

I struggle with her happiness without me, us just like anyone else. But, then... .I also know nothing fulfills her; temporary at best. Very temporary. She will be on top of the world with a shiny new penny and fall just as hard as she will prove her track record even long before me.
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2010
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« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2010, 06:00:14 PM »

Excerpt
Did your ex appear happier after they painted you black and got rid of you?  My ex ended up telling me I was holding her back (and I replied the only person who ever stopped her from doing all the things she wanted and held her back was herself - eg dieting, eating healthier, getting fit - when I was pouring money into her life to buy her healthy groceries, pay her debts off and help her get her hair done nice each month so she would feel better about herself!)... . seem she must have blamed and used me for everything, and as soon as she got rid of me, used me almost as motivation perhaps and started doing all these things herself that she never did when I was around...

Every relationship a Borderline has been involved in -is subject to the Borderline's compulsive need to attach and then fend off the attachment. In order to launch away from the fusional attachment, there has to be an escape velocity requirement of separate bodies. Most of the time this means a few "go arounds" orbiting each other until the attachment breaks and both people are floating away.

Now that the break has occurred, the Borderline is better off because of it- if only due to the separation/individuation that needed to be learned all along. This came about by the teachings of the relationship and watching and fighting with you- which gave her the independence needed to detach.  When Borderlines suffer the abandonment depression from detaching, they really are forced to learn the skills to take care of themselves. This is something they were never taught as children.  It's the hope for adult Borderlines to finally get it- *through their failures* they cannot merge and fuse with a host without being annihilated- they must be independent.

The sad thing about this though, is that most Borderlines suffer from PTSD. The break-up of a relationship is a repetitious compulsion that they re-live in order to emerge victorious over their captors. If this is never accomplished, they can waste tremendous energy on blame. Borderlines who dont learn responsibility can remain detached, and go into Schizoid mode as they grow older. The PTSD that they've suffered is now debilitating and very frightening and they dont want to chance another encounter with a powerful host. They remain single and alone and usually become hermit like and imprisoned in their own minds socially.

Depending on the age of your ex, the Hermit stage may be far off or it can be occluded because of a new replacement relationship that she has attached to. (One that will suffer the same fate as yours.) Or, she may very well be learning self dignity and responsibility and be better off and living life with respect for herself that doesn't demand rescuing.

The beauty of being in a Borderline relationship is that you gave it your all- you tried to help someone who could actually help them self but they didn't know where to begin until they were on their own. There's something to be said in the positive of that.

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nick212
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« Reply #12 on: December 31, 2010, 06:39:38 PM »

They can never be happy so no.
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